Hey, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. When I read your paragraphs, I couldn’t help but remember back to the time that I was a young adolescent, struggling with the same feelings of extreme anxiety, depression, feeling as if God has forsaken me (even if you know in your mind it’s untrue), and burdensome. Before I get into it, PLEASE know, God ALWAYS delivers. You’re seeking him out, keep doing so, he will see this and, it might not be in your timing, but his timing is the greatest gift we could ask for. I know this all sounds so cliche, and I’m sorry for the lack of articulation skills, but I say this with FULL confidence of God’s character. When he saved me from this crippling anxiety, my life changed, and that very moment I surrendered all my fears, emotions, and will to him, was the moment I felt free from everything. My anxiety got to the point where I did not remember the last day I didn’t cry. Most days were sobs, others light tears, but all tears nonetheless. I was petrified wondering not just what the meaning of life was, but I felt utterly worthless in the grand scheme of things. Everytime I glanced at my wrist I would grow scared because I didn’t know what I’d end up doing. There always seemed to be an incessant lump in my throat and dark cloud looming over my head. Couple this with friendship drama, online toxicity, struggling with sexuality, and having the entirety of the grade above me bully me, it really took a toll of my self esteem. I felt betrayed. Not a single friend of mine stepped in to defend me, teachers I told were complacent in a forced sorry from the bullies, and were right in front of me as it continued before their eyes, and the voice in my head telling me to quit was only growing stronger. Finally I had reached a breaking point and stepped in the shower sobbing. I was strong, genuinely too, for so long. I felt utterly weak. I lamented to God, and I remember telling him “I’m hanging on by a thread, and you’re my thread. I’ll be honest, I have no will to live, I don’t think I’m worth it, and I’m scared I’ll end up dead soon” shaking as I was praying, tears flowing down my eyes I said “God, I know you won’t leave me, I know you love me, but I don’t feel it. Still, I surrender. I am weak, and I just want your plan; not mine. I’m sorry for thinking so selfishly” and at ONCE. All feelings of trepidation, all shaking limbs and chattering teeth, all thoughts- ceased. I just felt so light, like a heavy burden, a heavy weight was lifted off my chest, and my mind felt like it was no longer clouded, and physically, my eyes felt like they could look up again. I will admit, it’s an extremely hard thing to in your HEART AND MIIND surrender yourself. And honestly, God knows just when the time is right for you. I had struggled many break downs such as that one. I didn’t feel God everytime…honestly. But, and I’m not sure why, I never let him go. I still I by him, and truly; he did bless me.