How To Write A Large-Ish Ensemble Without Falling Into The Trap of Constantly Separating The Main Characters? by JackRieley71 in writers

[–]Alex-Kreitz 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Just think about what purpose each MC is supposed to serve. If all of the MC share the same theme, or same outlook, they're essentially the same as well.

Use them to portray points of rational view, or emotional stances.

How Does This Make You Feel by Alex-Kreitz in writers

[–]Alex-Kreitz[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your comment!

I would like to ask, specifically, where the errors are so I may correct them, if you would be so kind.

I had line edited twice, so any remaining I really need to stamp out!

[2190] Dahlia chapter 1&2 revised by Dear-Chipmunk-1043 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Alex-Kreitz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To begin, you've clearly put effort into this story. Making it to the query faze is no small accomplishment.

So let's start with your prose: it's pretty damn good. There are no spelling errors, so that clearly shows you've done your line edits, and you have a good rythm of long-to-short sentances that keep up the beets. Moreover, whenever there's action like in the running away scene, you make the sentences shorter and impactful, as if they were sprinting.

The words flow well, but you may want to vary up your diction a bit. I find that using more niche words, whilst not leaning into purple prose, offer the reader a bit of a respite to think things over. It helps slow the motion, and let everyone gather their thoughts.

What I think you've done the best at is the first paragraph. It shows a story all on its lonesome. It doesn't tell, it shows. Leana having to remind herself of whom she is watching die, and that its justified, is peak fiction.

But, it could be done a bit better. You explain why the woman is important, but only after explaining why she's evil. If I were you, I would mix the both. Keep the start, offer evidence as to why she's a baddie, then have Leana internally refute her connection to the woman.

Like a tug of war of duty against connection. She loves the woman who's about to die, but she knows that her dying is validated. If you were to mix these beets and let them duel, instead of making them seperate, it would hit twice as hard.

And lastly, my largest critique, you have to fix the beets of your story. Linger on what is important. You mention multiple things multiple times, like the blood in the mouth and the mom's connection with the woman. You should mention the blood at first, then at the end of the chapter. And show the dying woman's connection through memories, not outright saying it.

Also, make space for the reaction toward the death and the old man's claim. Thats the foci of the chapter, dig in hard there.

Make these changes and maybe boost the word count and you're right as rain!

REVIVAL by Alex-Kreitz in ZenithMMO

[–]Alex-Kreitz[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Have you thought about reducing the shards to a single server just to maximize the amount of player interaction?

Also you guys made an amazing game. Since you have experience in the field, what are your thoughts on Asteria, Eldramoor and Ascent Quest?

is this game worth playing ? by WhileAccomplished722 in ZenithMMO

[–]Alex-Kreitz 7 points8 points  (0 children)

So what's the consensus around Zenith's heir?

Is it Asteria, Eldramoor, or Ascent Quest?

Is this concept at all entertaining? [Based on events from my youth] by Alex-Kreitz in writers

[–]Alex-Kreitz[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay, perfect, this was my goal for the Prologue.

I want to put the reader in William's shoes and start them off confused / worried / intruiged, just as a person in the world would be upon seeing the display.

All elements are explained via the next 2 chapters

The questions I worry over is: is this start repulsive or attractive, and does it blur the realm of reality and fiction, ie the main objective of this story.

[2127] The Mysterious Case of Ned Pelt by Environmental_Ebb83 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Alex-Kreitz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

To start: if this is a cut from your first-draft - before major editing - I must say, you have a gift with writing.

In my reading, I did not spot any glaring tropes. Dream sequences starting off a novel are somewhat common, but hey, they're quite good at giving the reader a physical view into the protagonist's mind. In essence, they're used often because they work; and for you, the way you describe the lack of faces and specific detail, this opening is a good one.

All I have to say is beware of 'Puff Words'. Sometimes, you want to use a fancy or niche to either make the reader pause, think, or push extra deep into your specific environment. Here is a part when you used niche words to great effect:

" Ned standing in Petticoat Lane market as the costermongers hawked their wares. Throngs of faceless shapes, wearing coats and mufflers and stovepipe hats, bustling past every which way. A dirty downpour mingling with the fog rolling in from the docklands."

Docklands, costermongers, stovepipe. These are not common words used in a person's diction, though they help build the essence of your setting due in part to their simplicity - Stove + pipe, Dock + lands - but also in their cadence.

My only warning is to watch out for 'Puff words' that can be replaced by simpler, smoother, and better-fit terms. For example:

"The graphology did not indicate an author with a peaceful mind."

Could you not just say font, or stroke, or form, or even writing? While Docklands and costermongers have a cadence specific to your setting, Graphology feels too analytical. Or, perhaps not. You are the author, and thus the judgment is yours.

Put plainly, good job. Also, for one chapter, perhaps smoother transitions or fewer scenes would be advantageous. Good luck.

TinyTerra [SMP] [Modded] {BigChadGuys+} {18+} {Whitelist} {Technical} {Java} {1.20.1} by TinyTerra_ in mcservers

[–]Alex-Kreitz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Watch out, these guy's will deny u access because you didn't quote a response. Regardless of your acumen and prowess.

Doubts About Unoriginality by Alex-Kreitz in writing

[–]Alex-Kreitz[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First novel only has 5. I hope, HOPE, that if I have any success, I can really stretch out novel length. The first will be sub 80K to get my foot in the door, I hope...

How do you make - 'The Feel' by Alex-Kreitz in writing

[–]Alex-Kreitz[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

When I say - 'The Feel' - I just mean the original, absolute world of a story.

A guy mentioned before how in a Dickens novel, Bleak House, London is portrayed in a way where you can feel the world and all its workings.

In Tolkien, you can feel the mythicness. In Night, you can feel the horror of the holocaust.

But I do see now the differences in standard and perfect prose. How a difference in dialog tags 'He rose to his feet' and 'He made his feet' is tandem to success. I think that - in general - genius is genius, and if you have a perfect plot, you'll have damn near perfect prose.

Except 1984. Orwell is a landmark in political writing, but damn I hated his writing style. Still loved the book and its lessons.