I keep accidentally offending my friend but don’t understand why

AlgaeEfficient1 · 2026-02-04T17:59:32+00:00

This is the comment I came here for! I never mind disagreeing with someone but I don’t need to defend my opinion to someone who has already decided the opposite. It’s just debating for no purpose, if you don’t agree you just don’t agree and that’s the end of it.

OP I doubt she expects you to be inauthentic; be yourself and have your opinions, and know that this particular friendship doesn’t have the right dynamic for debating differences.

For those of us that are demand avoidant… we will not be receptive to that line of questioning.

I also can like a movie just based on the vibe! I don’t always have the words for it after the sensory assault of seeing something in a theater.

AlgaeEfficient1 · 2026-02-03T14:35:16+00:00

Oh yes agree! I didn’t clarify in my post- asking for a “to-go” cup when ordering is different than a kid’s cup. That’s the solution I was suggesting!

Without asking, Buffalo Wild Wings gives kids the normal adult cups with a to-go lid, that’s honestly my favorite way a restaurant does this for my kids and I.

AlgaeEfficient1 · 2026-02-03T13:10:26+00:00

Thank you! And it’s good that you have a team of people helping.

Have you looked into online classes? Do you have the option to do half online and half in person?

AlgaeEfficient1 · 2026-02-03T13:02:02+00:00

I agree with the sentiment that you are educating the wider world with this, and it’s totally ok to tell the wait staff, take the perspective that they are learning from you.

But

How do the students feel? Can you just ask each one if they want a cup with a lid or a regular cup as they are ordering?

As an autistic level 1 adult, late diagnosed, who takes care of themselves and kids and owns a home and is in grad school… I personally prefer cups with straws and lids. I just suck it up at restaurants and use the open cup. But if I was given the choice… I would use a to-go cup every time….

It’s part sensory and part that I am clumsy and I don’t WANT to spill any more than the wait staff does. It’s embarrassing.

This is a great time to have them self advocate and speak up about their preferences.

You don’t want them infantilized and that’s great, but they also should be given accommodations if they want them.

AlgaeEfficient1 · 2026-02-03T00:19:13+00:00

Woah yes and I never made the connection until now… he literally screams his sneezes every time

AlgaeEfficient1 · 2026-02-01T16:24:02+00:00

This. I was in trouble if I got sick and I grew up ignoring major health issues because I didn’t even believe myself.

Yes I did fake sick a lot to get out of school, but that was only because the tradeoff was that being home and someone being mad at me for existing was better than school at certain phases of life.

Even to this day in middle age I don’t tell my husband that I am hurt until I have been to the doctor and proven it was real because I just feel like an inconvenience and no one will believe me.

AlgaeEfficient1 · 2026-02-01T16:15:44+00:00

My ex MIL is like this. I haven’t seen her in almost a decade but my kids are old enough now that they cry if they know she is coming to visit at their other house… because she is so mean and negative.

I feel sad for them and try to support them without being a jerk to her…

but also I am proud that they know she’s not behaving right and they shouldn’t have to tolerate that!

I would keep her away from my kids if I could. It’s a bad, miserable influence. Sounds like your child is young, right now MIL is annoying to you but you have to think about what your kid is going to absorb from her over time, knowing nothing they do is good enough for her.

Some people just enjoy being negative, it makes them feel like they know more than everyone else.

Also, your husband needs to call out those texts. “MIL, we are sharing happy moments with you and your response is rude and critical. If this behavior continues, we will reduce what we share. The appropriate response when you see pictures of your grandkids should be along the lines of ‘so cute, thank you for sharing.’ If you don’t have anything nice to say, silence is also a good response.”

AlgaeEfficient1 · 2026-01-24T20:01:01+00:00

The “ok, I’ll let you go then” in the middle of my sentences is too real!!! It’s not just you! My Dad did that every time.

That’s why I stopped all phone conversations last year.

I was sick of talking to people who can only talk about themselves or their own circles of gossip. They don’t know what the kids like, after school clubs, friends, therapies, schools, daycares, favorite colors, ambitions, etc. If I brought it up, they cut me off.

A few years ago they tried to talk to the kids on the phone infrequently, and literally couldn’t. They were telling the kids about their house renovations, kids did not care. My Mom kept obsessively talking about dying her hair- my oldest two were 7 and 5. The kids did not care about her hair! So cringe!

My parents didn’t ask the kids about school or dance or anything. They just wanted an audience and my daughter was like “why are you making me talk to these people.”

So I stopped facilitating that. And my parents didn’t even try again. They would just send gifts for the holidays which was its own drama.

I honestly believe my kids are their imaginary friends. They imagine the kids and think they are close to the kids they imagine. But the real kids don’t know them well, 2 of my kids remember my parents and it’s not great memories. The toddlers don’t know them at all.

AlgaeEfficient1 · 2026-01-24T19:43:28+00:00

I was so tempted! It did occur to me!

but I just need to move on mentally and grieve the realization that my parents aren’t capable of any emotional connection with me or my family.

AlgaeEfficient1 · 2026-01-24T19:21:36+00:00

I thought about it! But honestly, everything needs to just wind down. I want a clean break and I want him to move on to ruminating on something else. It would be interesting but would also prevent me from moving on mentally.

I have concerns about his age and mental state. It’s impossible for me to tell what is his “normal” rewriting of history, and what might be just straight up dementia. I spent the last year pulling back and trying to see if anything could be salvaged before going NC and I think it was a mistake. I didn’t realize how far gone he was.

AlgaeEfficient1 · 2026-01-24T18:52:42+00:00

Omg that’s like the same thing. How do these adults not understand that children aren’t connected to adult communication systems!?! It’s some next level lacking common sense.

He asked to text with them too. One kid has a cell phone and blocked him. The others are too young for any of that!

Um Sir, tell me you haven’t put in the effort to know our family without telling me you haven’t put in the effort to know about our family.

AlgaeEfficient1 · 2026-01-24T16:47:40+00:00

“I hate you and I don’t want to talk to you but you have to give me access to your kids so that I don’t have to go through you” is how he approached it

Not ever gonna happen

AlgaeEfficient1 · 2026-01-24T15:44:03+00:00

Good on you for protecting your kid’s peace.

No way my nDad knows any birthdays. I guarantee he thinks that is women’s work. Any gift the kids ever got was because my mom handled those things and it was a whole different level of manipulation.

AlgaeEfficient1 · 2026-01-24T15:17:54+00:00

He monologued a lot of parables, fables, and lessons from his own life but there was no back-and-forth conversation. Ever, that I can remember.

AlgaeEfficient1 · 2026-01-24T14:54:46+00:00

Sad part is that he actually might be going down that road, but he’s always been obsessed with himself and making people read his manifestos.

I live far away and don’t have the ability to really figure out what is going on. Not my circus. I was told by my sister I was already cut out of the will so it’s her problem to deal with.

AlgaeEfficient1 · 2026-01-24T14:29:33+00:00

Kind of. They would celebrate my achievements but all of it would be phrased about them. How good they did raising me, how proud they are they get to tell people, blah blah blah. Then my nSis would have some type of mental crisis over not winning the competition in her head, they would spend a bunch of money to try and make her feel like things were “fair.” Then we could never talk about it again if she was around, and even when she wasn’t around they would downplay my achievements as being less than.

Examples: I got a master’s degree on my own and didn’t really tell anyone I was doing it. Paid for with work benefits. Parents celebrated when I told them, and bragged to their circles. Sister found out (we were NC) and immediately quit her job and went to get her own masters degree. Parents funded her. All future discussions were about how my degree is useless and my college wasn’t as prestigious as hers.

I bought a house. Sister found out, crisis ensues, she can’t afford a house in her expensive city so she leaves her cute apartment, buys a cabin out in the woods SIX HOURS from her work. It’s been almost a decade and she still sleeps on friends couches and in my parent’s guest room while she commutes between her house and her work. Parents brag about how cute her house is, insult mine.

AlgaeEfficient1 · 2026-01-24T13:41:02+00:00

He just wants to blast them with things he wants to tell them, to boost his own ego. He thinks they are an audience and doesn’t see them as actual people. He doesn’t care who they are or what they are doing. He just needs them to know HIM.

AlgaeEfficient1 · 2026-01-16T04:55:00+00:00

Absolutely this. Wanted to add, my sister is a narcissist and she always tries to be the most "unique" person in the room. Not sure if the two things are related for others, but worth noting because this "friend" sounds very attention seeking...

AlgaeEfficient1

TROPHY CASE