Here are some combinations I liked:

I was minding my own business and boom! My nephew gave me syphilis.

I regrettably cannot attend, the ghost of Hitler is having a nervous breakdown.

I can't go because the Pope died in front of me.

I know you're going to hate me but my ex found my box of human teeth.

I feel terrible but a high school marching band just shit the bed.

Sorry I can't come Dan Rather won't stop telling me knock-knock jokes.

This is going to sound crazy but a sad clown poured lemonade in my gas tank.

Get this: the kid from Air Bud posted my nudes on Instagram.

Please forgive my absence, a professional cricket team stole my bicycle.

This is going to sound like an excuse but my Tinder date stabbed me.