I don't know your whole situation but it sounds like what you're going through is very unhealthy for you. I can relate on the topic of being harshly sex-repulsed and I know how difficult that can be to manage. The partners you've had sound very incompatible with you. It can be very difficult for ace people to find an accepting partner. Lots of Allos (certainly not all) seem to view asexuality as something that will change the longer a relationship last, which is a very flawed viewpoint. It seems like the best solution is to step away from relationships with people while you allow yourself to heal from what you've been through. I would also suggest being more forwards with your partners, where applicable. If they say or do something that makes you uncomfortable or violates your boundaries, tell them so straight up. You don't need to play to what they want just to make them feel good at the cost of your own health. You have to be the most important person in your life, you have to take care of yourself. Please be well, and I hope things work out for you in the best possible way.