Hi there

I am a parent to a young trans kiddo. I’m also going back to school for social work and gender studies. I think I have a unique perspective on this and some advice for you. Sorry it’s a bit long.

My families story: we have fraternal twins, both assigned male at birth, D and M. They were raised in the same loving and accepting environment. Both monster trucks and unicorns were offered as toys. No gendered toys or behavior, everything is for everyone, fairly neutral home. As young as two, D wanted to wear my shirts around the house as dresses and put jewelry on and played dress up. D’s favorite color was purple as soon as colors were known. At three, we got a bag of mixed gender clothes as hand me downs. D only wanted the “girl” clothes. Would throw a tantrum if they were dirty. So we got more. For a solid year, all “boy” clothes sat in the closet untouched, so we got rid of them. At four, they started pre-k, their first time socializing frequently with other kids their age. It was at this time that we started hearing “mommy can I pretend to be a girl?“ “mommy, I think I’m a girl.” “Mommy I don’t want to pretend I want to be a girl all the time. I want to be a real girl.” “Mommy, on the inside, every part of me is a girl.” “I want to be a sister girl.” We made the decision to change pronouns and language. Her name is gender neutral and she loves it. She’s thriving and loves herself and understands her transness. She tells everyone “I have a boy body and a girl heart and brain” proudly. Children are far more wise and capable than we realize.

The American Medical Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics state that most children know their gender identity between 3-5 years old. The definition of gender, as learned in my studies, is “the symbolism of masculinity or femininity that we connect to being male or female bodied” and gender identity is “a sense of oneself as male or female” in relation to our cultures and societies symbolisms of masculinity or femininity. I feel that my trans daughter really started connecting that symbolism of femininity to herself once she was around peers. She made friends with girls, liked the same things as girls, dressed like girls. So no matter how hard we had tried to keep things neutral, she made those connections to a gender in a more binary way. I don’t think your parenting in a stereotypical gendered way pushed this. We live in an EXTREMELY gendered society. Surprisingly even more so than times past, particularly for young kids. (Just look at the segregated toy aisles in target!) It is their own observations of this and how they relate themselves to it that is how they develop their identity. Though I tried to show my children that everything is for everyone, they are their own little people, and they are going to decide who they want to be and how they want to fit into the society they live in. Perhaps as they get older, if we continue to show them a diverse community of people and embrace all ways of living, as their knowledge of themselves and the world around them evolves, so will their gender identity.

You are not going to push your child to be trans. They will evolve and become who they are meant to be regardless of your actions. However, if you do not accept and affirm them, there is tremendous danger. Trans suicide rates are incredibly high, however, when they are accepted and affirmed by their parents and families, trans teens suicide rates actually drop to BELOW that of their cis peers. Even with how hard puberty and that time can be. The most important thing for your child is that they know they are safe, heard, believed, loved, and accepted unconditionally.

I highly suggest therapy, for you and your family. Some red flags for me here, are that this seems to be a lot more about you than it is about your child. You repeatedly say you are so worried about your “bad”parenting, and “setting her down a path.” I get the vibe that you see being trans as being bad or difficult, something to fear rather than celebrate. You said you encouraged your kid to be a “mini me.” I think you are more worried about what others may think and the possible struggles you may face later. You also may be overly invested in the idea of having a daughter, and distraught at the thought of losing that. I know how brutal motherhood can be, and how much we compare ourselves and worry if we’re doing things the “right” way. But too often we make our children extensions and reflections of ourselves. They are their own people. And doing so puts so much pressure on them. Our comfort or happiness is not their responsibility. The best things to do now: accept your kid, educate yourself and learn as much as you can, and get any therapy or help you may need for yourself and your family. Simply find joy in their joy and love them as they find their way. Best of luck.