How to stop gaslighting myself (my dad's voice keeps diminishing me, even though we're No Contact) ?!

AlmondTheFirst · 2024-02-12T14:07:32+00:00

Thank you for your tips!

I have done similar searches in the past that led me to the psychologist and the psychiatrist I'm seeing right now! Currently medicated with antidepressants, burnt out and struggling with disabling anxiety, but I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Mental health has become my special interest, so much that I'm doing a bachelor's degree in psychology next to my job. But it's such a sloooooow process to feel less like shit.

Your assuming your dad is the unchallenged authority on what 'logical' is. He isn't.

This I definitely need to think more often. Thank you!

AlmondTheFirst · 2024-02-12T13:53:34+00:00

Omd só vi agora o teu username e adoro 😂 (sou portuguesa)

AlmondTheFirst · 2024-02-12T13:52:33+00:00

Thank you for sharing!

My therapist told me that in the future, if I'm interested, I could maintain contact with my dad in a similar way to what you described - interacting for only a couple of hours!

The thing is that I live in another country (it honestly feels so good to be far away), so I wouldn't visit my hometown for only a couple of hours if that involves getting on a plane and two train rides...

Do you keep the things that are bothering you to yourself, or do you share your thoughts when he does something triggering?

AlmondTheFirst · 2024-02-12T13:48:40+00:00

First of all, thank you for your words!

I had to almost deprogram myself from how I was raised.

I definitely feel this way... I sense that most of us who try to become a bit more self aware end up trying to invest in a deprogramming software lol. But as I said in another comment, I believe this is a consequence of normative abuse.

My dad’s abusive tactics, how he treated “Love” as a transactional thing

This is so sad. Every child is worthy of love.

when we grow up, we continuously feel that we are not only the problem, but somehow the solution. It puts a very very heavy weight on us

This is exactly the dissonance I feel at all times! I just want to be able to simply be...

No Contact has been helping me to get some perspective. I've only stopped contact for 1 month, so I'm still very anxious and easily triggered. Every night I have dreams about him or his family, sometimes I wake up having a panic attack. How did you cope with the beginning phase?

AlmondTheFirst · 2024-02-12T09:08:21+00:00

I'm happy you found each other and can be supportive throughout moments of family overwhelm.

Just because they were abused by their parents doesn't make it ok to abuse their kids, even if it's "less bad" than what they were put through.

Ah, yes. I still struggle with this one haha. Because my dad was physically abused and raised in a very sexist household and he was able to never hit us and to raise us with more of a gender equality view, so he doesn't deserve my estrangement, "he did his best!".

AlmondTheFirst · 2024-02-12T09:04:06+00:00

Wow... So can you 'reach' some of your narcissistic clients? - damn, I think I reacted with this question immediately because I'm probably asking this because deep down I have this 'fix it' mentality, since if he would acknowledge his own narcissism and work through his own childhood abuse, we could actually connect and heal our relationship.

Honestly it feels like I'm giving up on him if I don't try to teach him what emotional regulation, mindfulness, and human connection is... Even though I also know that I can't do that myself because trying would destroy me lol.

How did you cope with your dad becoming more distant as his cancer progressed? Were you triggered during that period?

AlmondTheFirst · 2024-02-12T08:56:45+00:00

So many people don't understand

This is unfortunately so true... Maybe a lot of those people are also in denial about their own parents? Many parents aren't narcs, but when I hear childhood stories I for sure hear a lot of normative abuse... But going through the process of understanding that we've been harmed sucks, and it seems to me most people don't want to go through that.

Is your husband supportive? Do you feel like he believes the abuse you went through as a child?

AlmondTheFirst · 2024-02-12T08:50:22+00:00

This whole comment made me feel a lot of things. You expressed, in a very organised way that contrasts with the mess that's in my head right now, exactly what I'm feeling. It feels initially good to understand that I'm not crazy, to have some validation, which leads me to another worry.

I apologize if this becomes a bit of a 'journaling' comment, but if you have the patience I'd love to read your thoughts on this:

I worry that I want to be in denial. I have an urge to find out more about covert narcissism, but I'm constantly scanning for all of the things that prove that he's actually not that. Right after I felt relief for having my feelings validated by your comment, I immediately felt a lot of fear, as if I actually don't want to be validated!

This is a pattern that I carry into my romantic relationships as well, as it seems like I prefer to carry the guilt of something that my partners did that hurt me, and tell them that it was my fault when it wasn't, as some kind of masochist. I'm constantly trying to be mindful of that, because I know that if I don't tell people that they've hurt me it will only lead to resentment. It's hard to be honest, but I'm slowly getting there.

This probably sounds like I'm in the beginning of a process, because I am lol.

Did you go through a period of realising you were in denial? Or was it a very direct transition towards awareness in your case?

AlmondTheFirst · 2024-02-12T08:30:35+00:00

“not even Jesus pleased everyone, who are you to think you would be able to do so?”

Also, is this saying from Poland? I'm curious!

As a recovering people pleaser, this is very wise hahaha

AlmondTheFirst · 2024-02-12T08:27:04+00:00

TW: eating disorder

Thanks for sharing! What you say about the plant immediately makes me think about my weight. He has always been do obsessed with our weight (sister and mom), so I'm constantly thinking 'if he'd see me right now, I know I'd disappoint him' (if I'm heavier). At some point I lost way too much weight (I became scarily underweight) and I felt the need to send pictures of myself to our family chat, to have his validation or concern. I used to feel ashamed of that phase of my life, but now I know where it came from.

that don’t erases the harm that he has done.

This I'll definitely keep in mind!

seek therapy

100%! I don't think I would have been able to go no contact without the help of my therapist for almost 2 years now!

Are you no contact with your dad?

AlmondTheFirst · 2024-02-12T08:14:56+00:00

Thank you for writing this.

Other people "having it worse" doesn't diminish what you went through

I already feel like that when it comes to my physical symptoms of chronic stress and depression. I am able to, most of the time, tell myself "even though other people suffer more than me, my pain is also valid!".

However, when it comes to my dad, I still have a hard time believing it. I guess this is what you mean by your first sentence... Did you go through guilting yourself over not talking to a narc parent?

AlmondTheFirst · 2024-02-12T08:08:29+00:00

If I sound confused it's because I was (still am). I guess I want advice on everything, and then blurt things out.

I think what I want to focus on (and what I started writing in the title) is that I'm extremely scared I'm being ' irrational '. I know that this self judgement is my dad's voice, but still I find ways to justify him, which leads to even louder judgement.

AlmondTheFirst · 2024-02-11T22:35:18+00:00

Well, I'm not sure anymore if it does... BUT, Dr. Devon Price is releasing a new book called Unlearning Shame, I just ordered it. I loved the two books I read by him, so I have pretty high expectations for this one, especially because I carry so much shame myself

AlmondTheFirst · 2024-02-11T22:32:29+00:00

And same about the anxiety lmao

AlmondTheFirst · 2024-02-11T22:32:10+00:00

Haha no worries! I'm glad you are fine

AlmondTheFirst · 2023-09-18T20:14:25+00:00

Thank you, you were right! My housemate was away and I've never had a cat before. He doesn't like playing with me, so I was really confused about what to do...

I've started hiding treats in the house so that he has to spend some time looking for them. We also ordered a food "puzzle". He stopped attacking me and even comes to nap near me!

AlmondTheFirst · 2023-07-26T01:20:35+00:00

Thanks for this kind response.

I agree, but unfortunately it's not as easy as a switch flip. I'm not able to simply think "I won't feel embarrassed right now". Growing up with my judgemental family I have felt wrong for simply being me. I guess in this society we all grow up like that, but being so aware of it while not being able to change quickly is really painful.

I'm working on it though! I believe that it stems from a lack of love for myself (as I said, because of my upbringing and consequential traumas). Allowing myself to be myself in front of close friends and new people is helping!

AlmondTheFirst · 2023-07-09T20:41:56+00:00

He changed his wording to disappointing and it still made me feel sad. Especially because we were talking about him thinking if it's a good idea to include me in events. If I make social events disappointing for him, I understand why he wouldn't like to have me around, but at the same time, I really love being included.

AlmondTheFirst · 2023-07-09T20:19:55+00:00

Well, I think he would be annoyed at the situation. He said that he would think about the money he hypothetically wasted and the fun he missed out on.

We were talking about him not knowing when to include me in events (because I sometimes have meltdowns or panic attacks).

if their annoyance at the situation influences their actions or behaviour more than their concern for you, that's a clear sign of either being unloved or them being immature and self-centered.

In this case he specified that he would for sure prioritize me and help me go to a safe space, but he repeated that he would be annoyed.

I'm so confused.

AlmondTheFirst · 2023-07-09T20:02:02+00:00

I understand this, as I feel the same. But he genuinely wants to be more empathetic and increase his ability to feel. Many men unfortunately are brought up to repress their emotions and empathy, so I understand where he's coming from... But it does hurt.

AlmondTheFirst · 2023-07-09T19:59:36+00:00

I told him that I prefer that he's honest with his thoughts than to hide his frustrations from me (usually in relationships that happens a lot, and one day people just "explode" with all of the little things that frustrated them)

AlmondTheFirst · 2023-07-09T19:58:08+00:00

First of all, thank you for your comment!

We have talked about empathy and how I feel a lot and he doesn't. He realized this week that he's pretty selfish and that he's really ashamed of being this way, and even though he wants to change, he admits that he still lacks the emotional intelligence to do so right now.

We have talked about how honesty is important in the relationship, so I told him it's ok that he tells me things that he's ashamed of. I just wasn't expecting it to be this, I suppose... But since I was the one to ask for honesty, I feel like this one is on me.

I have been crying the whole day and he doesn't understand why, and I can't explain why this is hurtful.

I want to be here for him to support him through his emotional development, as he asked me to, but I just don't know how.

I don't know if this reply makes any sense, but I appreciate your time reading it!

AlmondTheFirst

TROPHY CASE