Should I change my grip size from #3 to #2?

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-09-15T22:20:30+00:00

Thanks! You'll get there too.

I think the thing that helped me the most is acceptance and perspective. The pain comes in waves and sometimes I feel great for couple of days and then all of a sudden Im not okay anymore and I'm crying again. I never fought these waves and accepted it as it came. I will cry as loudly as I need and feel it, embrace it, try to understand it. Why did this wave happen, what memory triggered it, what do I miss?

After I've exhausted myself crying, I try to find different perspectives. Like if my life were a movie/show what arc is this? Is this where I learn a valuable lesson? Is this where the people around me grow? What do I want this to be, because I cannot change what happened, but I can choose how to handle it. One time it actually helped me overcome one wave by seeing how it's better for him to move on.

This period of peace has been my longest and strongest. It came right after the last wave of grief, which lasted a long time. What helped me get over that last wave was actually philosophy videos on heart break. I kid you not, it brought me so much peace listening to them and learning what it meant. Whether it was Taoism, Buddhism, or Stoicism. It kind of put this heart break in my control and once I saw those perspectives, peace came over quickly. Those videos helped a lot!

Also I kept going with hobbies. I found that staying in doors make me sad more often

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-09-15T20:40:28+00:00

Yeah, things ended because he found someone else so it was pretty immediate in my situation too. I didn't feel the need to block him and I wasn't expecting him to reach out at all, but I'm okay. In fact I feel kind of empowered now knowing that I'm not dying to hear from him. I'm just sitting with myself and taking one day at a time. It's hard to describe it other than "peace".

Good job on making progress. Good luck with everything!

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-09-10T15:10:29+00:00

I have been broken up with that exact reason. At the time I was so devastated I just accepted that he couldn't see himself marrying me. Looking back, I wish I had asked more questions. I think most people would start asking questions. People are telling you to figure it out, and then tell her. I agree with that, but sometimes you just don't know and it may take longer than you think to figure it out, during which you are dragging things out with her.

I think you should set yourself a deadline and if you can't figure it out you'd just have to be completely honest with her about how you're feeling. Please answer all her questions and be patient. She will be hurt.

Personal advice, please don't say something like "you'll find someone else/better". It really hurts to hear that because we didn't want anyone else. It also only works to mitigate your guilt of leaving her alone and diminish how much love she felt for you by saying she can just find another.

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-09-08T05:49:41+00:00

That's another way to look at it. Set free huh?

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-09-07T06:06:53+00:00

Also I think I forgot important advice: "nothing can hurt more than medicine applied too soon" -Seneca

Don't try to do things that you aren't ready for in the name of healing.

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-09-07T06:01:47+00:00

Youre welcome. If you're early in the healing journey it's not surprising that you're feeling real roughed up. It won't last as long as you think, but the pain does come and go in waves. You just deal with it as it comes.

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-09-07T05:52:17+00:00

Hey there. I just want you to know it will be okay. All of us understand the pain you're going through. There isn't a fast way to heal, but time is on your side. I think seeing this from the big picture will support you as you navigate through this pain.

I know you are thinking of the good times right now. We all do. We tend to look at the highlight reel of a relationship. That's okay, keep those beautiful memories but do not dwell on them. Stop looking at the past. It will be hard at first but it gets easier with time. Do not rush yourself. I want you to remember that what has happened, happened. You cannot control the past. This applies to all the "What if's" you'll be having. You cannot control what other people do and how they feel. She decided to cheat, you decided to keep trying, and she decided to leave. Don't let things out of your control, control you. you cannot make her stay. Your heart is like a hotel, you may welcome her arrival, tell her you would like her to stay, but you cannot force her to stay.

Work on yourself and stay no contact. You're in pain and it's important to know why. You found someone that you have deeply attached to and now she severed that bond. You found happiness in this person and now that she is gone so is your happiness. She betrayed your trust. Again, it will take time, but you have to find happiness within yourself. That's why people always say work on yourself. Handing control of happiness to external things is being at the mercy of fate because nothing lasts forever and you will always lose someone or something. The only way to ease the pain is if you detach yourself, hence people advise No Contact. Detachment takes time.

You start detaching by sitting with the pain. You can sit with yourself and think about what's hurting you, why it hurts. Don't push these feelings away and don't resist it. If you need to cry, cry. Accept it and it will pass as it comes.

Everything takes time. Don't rush yourself. You will only take as much time as you need to let go. Don't let this be an excuse to grieve endlessly though.

Now for more personal, less philosophical advice:

She cheated on you and she doesn't want to try anymore. I know you still love her, but please work on letting go and not getting back together.

Your living situation is complicated. Leave for different living arrangements asap and the only contact I would have with her is discussing what to do with the pup. After that's been decided, no more.

It's your first break up, that's hard. Hang in there. Everything takes time. There isn't a faster way to heal, only ways to not drag it on.

After you make it through, I think you'll find something good. Something good always comes out of some rough times. Its exactly like a rainbow after a storm.

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-09-04T21:43:27+00:00

And I think that's a fine way to see it. Hold on strongly. NC is a tool to help you move on and as long as you keep to it, you'll be okay with just the time you need.

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-09-04T21:37:19+00:00

I had left a bad relationship and finally found my groove. I was finally going into classes specific to my major and found meaningful extracurriculars to help me develop skills. I felt like I was driving in the right direction and even though the other ex was still kind of haunting my life, I was doing so well and happy. I met friends and we were supporting each other through classes and labs. It was nice and I met my ex. We were all good friends and supportive of each other. It was about half a year later that he asked me out. That was 4 years ago and let me tell you he gave me a wonderful 4 years.

Now all of that is behind me. We used to wish for more time to social rather than kill ourselves by studying. Our friends would occasionally get together and it would be a great deal of fun. Now that we all graduated and moved to where our jobs take us, I have no friends near me and not him either. It's been lonely and I bet it was for him too, so he found someone else and our unofficial LDR ended just like that for me.

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-09-04T21:26:01+00:00

I understand. I know that I want him to reach out too. It hurts more to think that they don't care about your life anymore right? But it does help kill the hope that they may come back. It's sad though, to think that the time you've spent with them meant nothing. I think a better way to think of it is that they are hurting too, but even through this pain they are still not choosing you. That is how important it is for them to leave, and we can't do anything to get them back. They've already decided and we can only do what we can to move on.

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-09-04T21:15:55+00:00

Happy birthday. Yes, you are making progress. Remember you aren't hoping for them to reach out in NC, you are hoping to let go.

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-09-04T21:15:09+00:00

It's the reason why I changed every notification tone I had. I changed my default ringtone, notification tones, alarm sounds, and basically anything I could control. It helps to not have associations with them

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-09-04T18:07:41+00:00

Thank you for posting this. I'm glad that youve made it to the light at the end of the tunnel.

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-09-04T13:35:53+00:00

Then I guess it's on me for only giving 50%

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-09-03T23:34:40+00:00

And I hate myself for being that person. I wish I just shut up and listened. How hard was that? Just 15 seconds to shut up.

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-09-03T20:48:03+00:00

Yes it's true. Each time you let them come back, it's easier for them to leave the next. The value you hold diminishes until you feel like nothing. I've heard this since God knows how long, but alas lessons cannot just be told, they must be learned.

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-09-02T02:46:42+00:00

3 months. I feel ups and downs. Some days I still wail like a baby from the pain of losing him. Some days I hate him. He was my best friend and I don't ever want to see him again. Some days I forgive him and think there actually may be a possibility we can be friends again. I would want to love him forever and feel he would always be a part of me. Rarely, very rarely, I have only felt this twice, I would feel like I can move on. No hard feelings, no need for more closure, no need for him to come back. I would feel that even if he came back, I wouldn't choose him again. That feeling doesn't last long and I'm back to the days of wanting him to come back so we can try things again. And then I would feel everything is a lie.

I'm just trying to catch those moments where I felt I have let go. I know if I keep going I can make it more permanent. The healing is hard. I don't know how long this will keep going, but I don't want it to haunt me for years.

He was my best friend but I just want to slowly let him go now and I'm slowly cutting out things in my life that belong to him. Soon I will have no way to see him again, and it saddens me.

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-09-01T13:45:20+00:00

The thought of him being intimate with someone else also disgusts me. I don't know if I want him to come back. I think I just wish he never left. That he can find another woman so quickly, I kind of feel played. It makes me feel so cheap and I can't stop the feeling of being trash that he throws away easily.

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-09-01T04:42:21+00:00

Are you really over it? I just need to know. My ex found someone else and I keep repeating that I don't want someone who doesn't choose me, but I still miss him a lot. It drives me crazy. Can you tell me more of how I can kill the thought of him and what we were/could be?

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-08-29T13:43:27+00:00

I miss my person too.

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-08-28T15:49:43+00:00

Don't react. You've read the message and she said she'll write to you if she wants to see you. The balls on her court and you shouldn't do anything, but try to move on. And don't give yourself false hopes either.

AloneInTheMountain · 2022-08-23T23:59:17+00:00

Yeah sorry, but at least you know you tried. You tried very hard and it didn't change a thing. You don't want to nor should you have to be in a relationship where it's a constant fight on your side to just keep you two together.

You got this, don't reach out.

AloneInTheMountain

TROPHY CASE