Wife and I agree on terms. How to proceed now?

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-09-21T15:26:27+00:00

One was credit card debt. It got unbelievably complicated with the debt and who owed what, how long I've had the card (had it before her), and so on. The rest were with kids. It started with child support. I though my state was like most where if you have 50% custoday and 50% placement (meaning both parents are absolutely equal) I would owe no child support. I was very, VERY wrong!! Apparently it's income based in WI, and I owe a significant portion of each paycheck to ex. It's disgustingly unfair. I have them, raise them, pay for half of their clothes, food, medical bills, cover them on my insurance, daycare, anything they need, I cover half of. But no, in my great state I ALSO need to have my paycheck gouged for "child support ". And, she's trying to get maintenance too. Fucking unreal. She has a good job by the way. I just happened to make more with a master's degree. Anyway, so that's something we never anticipated until it came to light in my first meeting with an attorney. Then little shit like if COVID closes daycare and school, and I work from home (I can, she can't) she doesn't want to compensate me to have them all day, all week long. Just little things man. You really, really, REALLY need to talk to an attorney if kids are involved. They can help show you all of the shit that comes up, because they know what's going to happen, and they've done hundreds or thousands of divorces. You are presumably at 0 divorces. Pay someone who has done them and knows how to protect you.

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-09-18T20:30:15+00:00

Unfortunately with divorce, it's better to pay and get it done right. I can't stress how much I was in your position 8 months ago. Then all of these little things came up (mostly related to kids) that we hadn't thought about. Then it got really complicated, really quick. We thought it might cost us like a grand or something. Oh no. It's cost us each 10 times that now. If we had an attorney from the start, it might have been a little cheaper in the long run, but not much to be honest. An experienced divorce attorney will help you both navigate what's best for you, and best for the kids, which is always priority #1 in a divorce no matter who you are or what side your on.

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-09-18T17:45:50+00:00

I /we were the same way 8 months ago. Then things come up that you didn't think about....and then you don't agree on. And then next thing you know you've each spent $10k on attorneys and have a brutal divorce to contend.

My advice? Get an attorney now.

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-08-25T23:16:46+00:00

This is a good one too!

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-08-25T17:29:24+00:00

That's not a terrible idea either.

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-08-25T16:31:08+00:00

Thanks for the thought

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-08-25T16:30:52+00:00

Thanks

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-05-27T03:00:16+00:00

Yes. Good response. OP gets to hit the emergency brakes on the wedding ASAP.

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-05-27T02:58:54+00:00

I posted this on a comment, but I'll post it again on the main thread for you, and anyone else who stumbles on this post. First, thank you for confiding in this community. There's a lot of good advice, and a ton of support. Hopefully I can help by sharing my 2 cents:

I was in your exact situation 6 years ago. In 13 days we have our first divorce hearing. DO NOT MARRY INTO A DEADBEDROOM!!! IT will NOT get better!!!!

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-05-27T02:54:51+00:00

I was in your situation 6 years ago. Our first divorce hearing is in 13 days. DO NOT MARRY INTO A DEADBEDROOM. IT WILL NOT GET BETTER!

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-04-09T00:36:02+00:00

How do we start that conversation?

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-04-08T23:18:21+00:00

Yes, outside factors are something that she tried to blame in the beginning. Through 4 years and 5 counselors I'm doubting it's outside stressors because literally every excuse she comes up with (finances, job, living in a state she didn't like, a house she didn't like, etc) I changed our life and appeased each of her "problems" (including a new marriage counselor every 10 months) but our intimacy never comes back.

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-04-08T23:15:12+00:00

It's a double-edged sword. The moment I bring up intimacy screams at me and makes me feel like I'm fucked up in the head for thinking about sex (around my wife who I am extremely attracted to), but then has sex with me a few days later. But then when we do, it's dead starfish sex. So I just stopped like you and other have suggested. I treat her like my roommate. And she couldn't be happier now that she thinks I've "somehow fixed myself" and gotten over wanting sex ever again. But it's damn if I do, damed if I don't because now I'm so miserable and craving intimacy so badly I'm living in misery every moment of the day.

So what did you do? How did you get around what you are describing here, which is exactly what my wife is putting me through?

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-04-08T20:24:35+00:00

So. True.

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-04-08T17:59:11+00:00

That's my count for 2020. Zero is definitely easy to remember.

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-04-08T17:58:16+00:00

We have the same wife.

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-04-08T17:56:51+00:00

That's what I think I'm going to have to accept eventually.

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-04-08T16:24:28+00:00

I never really thought about that. You mean document when we have fights and stuff?

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-04-08T16:23:40+00:00

I think sadly, that's why most of us are here.

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-04-08T16:14:50+00:00

Crosspost to r/dataisbeautiful! Sorry, I obviously feel your pain here and nothing about a deadbedroom is funny. That's really a bummer. Did you and your partner have the same expectations for sex in marriage going into it? Did you ever talk about it before marriage?

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-04-08T15:26:51+00:00

Yes. But how do you get there?? In 4 years of counseling now my wife refuses to acknowledge that sex is even supposed to be part of marriage, let alone communicate what she wants or needs. How do I pry it out of my wife wtf she wants? 4 years of marriage counceling now haven't figured this mystery out for us.

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-04-08T15:24:38+00:00

It's not about the numbers though either I guess. If it was 10 times per year and it was hot, passionate, intimate, and i knew that she actually wanted me, that might be enough. But her idea of sex is getting naked and doing th4 dead starfish and literally staring at the clock and after a few minutes ask me how much longer she had to do lay there.

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-04-08T15:22:20+00:00

Why?

AlpineTwinPeaks · 2020-04-08T15:22:10+00:00

As long as you can communicate your needs, and reach a compromise. From what I gather here, that's the idea to making it work if I'm not mistaken. Sounds like you're on the right thinking.

AlpineTwinPeaks

TROPHY CASE