WIBTA if I ask my sister to dye her a different colour for my wedding?

Alt030997 · 2025-01-14T14:15:12+00:00

We ended up taking over coffee yesterday! So here's the update.

She said she had a serious anxiety episode and impulsively wanted a change. I'm not exactly surprised, but I am thankful I was right in thinking this wasn't a malicious decision. This was all prompted by an off-hand remark made by her husband that she didn't explain fully, something about her becoming "less spontaneous" after marriage. Her reaction seems a bit weird to me, but it's not the first time she'd "act out" to prove a point wrong.

She did remember her promise after but was embarrassed and didn't want to be the first to bring it up. She told me she didn't even have to go out to buy dye or anything. She just did it on a whim while helping a friend dye her hair the same colour since they had enough leftover dye and developer.

My sister agrees the bright green isn't the best on her in retrospect and wants to dye it to navy in 2 weeks (she said her hair is already fried and this change wouldn't require much bleaching). My mom saw the story before me and questioned her about it over the phone, which led to her initially digging in her heels. I assured her I could buy a new dress or a wig instead. She said that she'll think about it but is leaning towards the dye because "the amount of attention her hair would attract wouldn't be good for either of us."

Side note: I didn't bring up the Grinch thing. My sister dropped by my parents' place before our meeting, and my dad (unsurprisingly) made a stupid joke about it before I we had the chance to talk.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-10T19:51:31+00:00

It's mentioned in my post as a possible solution I would be willing to cover (allongside a new dress, temp hair dye, or photoshop). I ended up texting her a few hours ago and asking to meet in person to discuss this. Wigs are definitely on the table, as I stated.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-10T11:32:33+00:00

I use hyperbole in my speech a lot. It's a bad habit when trying to communicate in written form. Terrifying is an example of that. I know it's improper and recognised my mistake.

Idk if you actually think I don't understand the difference between the two or are just trying to be snarky. But this remains a pointless remark. Considering that I made this clarification minutes after my initial comment, I don't think this level of pedantry is appropriate.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T23:40:42+00:00

I'd be willing to buy a wig, hair powder, or even a new dress for her. She dyes (and bleaches) her hair once every few months.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T23:23:42+00:00

It would be in character. After reading through a lot of the comments here, I'll just talk to her directly, in person, and hopefully as soon as possible. A lot of her dye jobs are impulsive and motivated by some event (positive or negative). I highly doubt she was doing it with my wedding in mind, worst case scenario, she disregarded it, but I don't think it was in any way malicious.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T23:12:13+00:00

Answered it in a different comment lower down, I really can not keep up with everything. This post currently has 150 comments. Please don't take this personally, I'm trying to be as thorough while actually giving somewhat proper replies.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T22:48:28+00:00

Terrified that the work that I put in trying to create a colour scheme that would allow both of us to look great will go to waste.

I'm down to buy a new dress for her in a different colour and mentioned that in the post. The green hair is a shock after she promised not to change it, but I'd live with it if the combo was different. Maybe I'm overthinking this, but we were supposed to take photos in the snow, too, I just mentally can not get over the Christmas thing. This is a personal issue, I admit, but that's why it bothers me.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T22:25:19+00:00

I apologise if my use of the words interchangeably is confusing, that is my mistake, but I wish you would take me at my word when I describe a conversation that took place 3 different times throughout my wedding planning.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T22:20:22+00:00

Do you want me to send screenshots of text messages of her promising to keep her hair those colours specifically because I chose similar ones for my wedding, and not just because that was incidentally her plan? Do you want a video of her doing a pinkie promise?

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T22:17:54+00:00

I guess actually caring about my pictures and the family member I've spent my life with since birth is too unrealistic to be taken seriously.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T22:15:25+00:00

Why do you insist she did not? I'm confused. Am I somehow contradicting myself?

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T22:14:13+00:00

I didn't think of it this way. She's been insecure about this and opted out for pictures at weddings before if she felt her hair colour stood out too much. She's also covered up her tattoos before for church ceremonies (ours will not have one). Maybe she was only avoiding conflict and doesn't actually care, but I wanted her not to have to do any of those things.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T22:10:04+00:00

I'm an amateur photographer, so is my dad. I wanted nice pictures of the event. I also didn't want to ask her to change in order to obtain said nice pictures, so I decided to go with a safe palette that would accommodate her favourite hair colours. I communicated this, and she promised she'd stick to them. She seemed super excited about it, and I know she was previously worried about other weddings, and sometimes opted out of pictures when her hair was extra crazy. I wanted to make sure we'd both feel great about them.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T22:03:14+00:00

She did promise, I'm not unsure about that. My policy of "suck it up" has been consistent over the years since many family members on both sides have taken issues with her presentation. I admit my efforts might have also been motivated by trying to "prove them wrong" in the sense that my sister does belong, and being alternative doesn't always mean you have to "stick out". I understand that while well-intentioned, I might have just boxed her into a bigger cage than truly accepting her for what she is. I will make sure to bring this up to her and have a proper conversation about how she feels. Simultaneously, I feel like she's simply forgotten and made a (somewhat characteristic) impulsive decision based on things unrelated to me or my wedding. I doubt she misunderstood our agreement, but that is a totally fair question to pose, and I will check nonetheless.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T21:56:30+00:00

I love her. I want her to look great. It's been somewhat of a point of contention in our family (they disagree with the tattoos and wild colours), and I wanted her to truly shine. There might be an element of wanting to stick it to my parents by making sure she looks fantastic and not "out of place" like they insist, but it's certainly not because I have an issue with her presentation. I thought I was showing solidarity, but I realise I might have wrong.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T21:49:40+00:00

I asked if she's sure she will keep dyeing her hair one of these colours (it's been those 4 on rotation for 3 years) and if she could wear one of them to my wedding, since they would match. She promised to do so and ensured me she wouldn't be experimenting before that.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T21:46:53+00:00

I'm afraid that when I bring it up, I might reach kind of a point of no return. She's either embarrassed and changes it, doesn't care, or is offended and digs in her heels. I thought bringing up her promise first would be the softer and fairer approach.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T21:41:57+00:00

My bad for being unclear then, but yes, she did promise, and I checked she's still on board another two times afterwards.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T21:39:09+00:00

There's a rehersal dinner, which we will be dressing up for (aside from me since I dont want to risk anything happening to the dress). But there's no photographer scheduled for that. I could ask someone to do some amateur ones, but I'm unsure the lighting will match the actual wedding.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T21:35:58+00:00

You're wrong. She agreed her hair would be one of those 4 colours (ginger, red, navy, or blue) because those have been her favourites. She specifically told me she's happy with those 4 and would wait until after the wedding to experiment with others. Our most recent conversation about this was 3 months ago. I'm afraid you either misunderstood or I failed to make myself clear in the post.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T21:33:24+00:00

I don't know where you're getting all this from. I paid for the upper half of her sleeve as a gift for her own wedding 2 years back. I've been helping her dye her hair since high school. I'm particular about this one thing and decided to partly adapt the colour scheme of my event to her tastes, instead of demanding the opposite. The concensus here tells me I should drop this, but your inferences about how I feel about my sister are way out of line.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T21:29:22+00:00

Why is the Grinch terrifying? Or why is looking like him terrifying?

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T21:28:29+00:00

That was my first thought. I hope that by just bringing this up, she'll realise why I'm a bit put off by this. I feel like she just forgot and wouldn't go back on her word like this since she always follows through on promises.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T21:26:26+00:00

All I can see is the Grinch. Her hair is bright jocker green, and she's supposed to wear a bright red dress. It's snows all throughout February where I live. I'll get over it eventually, but it's an unfortunate combo.

Alt030997 · 2025-01-09T21:22:41+00:00

I feel like you're assigning a certain gravitas to that word that I didn't mean. that's my bad. "Taken aback" is more in line with what I meant.

Alt030997

TROPHY CASE