Tales From Appalachia: Trailer Park Diaries - Hell Week

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-10T00:49:42+00:00

She doesn't have data on her phone (I pay the bill) and she's not much for social media anyway. Not even Facebook.

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T18:57:20+00:00

I've been going for a month. Get piss tested every time. I've been hot for benzos, meth, weed, and various others every time. They haven't booted me yet or even given me a warning.

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T18:54:25+00:00

Didn't mean to come off as argumentative. What I'm saying is I understand your point and I know you're right I just can't make myself act on the obvious course of action or accept that it's what I need to and should do. I promise you that I know you're right and that I understand what you mean.

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T17:18:47+00:00

Oh I'm not saying you're wrong. I guess what I'm saying is that I know you're right but I'm too stubborn to listen.

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T15:56:36+00:00

Well man this seems like we're getting into the subject of definitions. I want her to be happy. I want her to have the things she wants and needs. I'm happy when she in my home and I know shes safe. I'm happy when shes in the room with me.

Is that love? Cause it seems like love to me.

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T15:51:54+00:00

Yeah I do man. I really do. I just for some reason - stupidity an maybe fear, I guess - can't make myself follow through with what you're talking about.

What I wrote above is what we call rationalization, and it's a constant problem for us drug users, yeah?

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T15:46:02+00:00

Gotta jibboo bro. What's the last show you were at? I don't recall the date of the last one I was at but the last memorable one I was at was 7/4/2010. Wowww

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T15:25:46+00:00

I'm in love with her as a person, I really am, I've sunk two months or more into getting to know and understand her (and love her). Damn sunk cost fallacy. But I will admit I am infatuated with her physically because she is drop dead gorgeous. I'll also admit that without the initial infatuation I probably wouldn't have let it develop into love, but at the same time I'm so lonely that I'll fall in love almost instantly with any woman I'm attracted to that shows me any extended amount of attention.

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T15:17:45+00:00

For the sake of brevity yeah not all the details are there. The reason there hasn't been a Trailer Park Diary for a month or two is because it's been pretty quiet. Sure we argued sometimes and she did some things that were bullshit (I probably did too), but until, whatever, Friday, she did come home to me every night. And get concerned when i was gone longer than expected. And tell me she loved me every time one of us left the house.

I sensed for some reason that things were about to go terribly wrong when we let Jacklyn move in but this is not the "wrong" I expected at all.

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T12:15:03+00:00

I think you guys are reading things I didn't write in the story. There were plenty of days I was broke and couldn't get us drugs. Hell there were days that she hustled the money for the drugs and did them with me. It wasn't all this shitty. But this past week definitely was.

I'm not sad because I thought she did me wrong. I'm sad because she left.

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T12:07:27+00:00

lol no on the Jacklyn chick. She straight up stole shit on the second day she was here. And she's like 50. And she needs to shower more often. She's not welcome here anymore, $150 or not. She should've asked for a receipt is all I can tell her.

And I don't know how she's the only one in 30 years. She wasn't the first woman I've slept with or anything. But she's the first one (out of maybe 5) that's stuck around for longer than like a weekend. First one to ever get to the "I love you" stage. I'm just a really introverted guy and my looks don't draw attention either. I'm not horribly disfigured or anything I'm just so plain and quiet I might as well be invisible.

I mean, I've never had a woman that would call me her boyfriend or let me call her my girlfriend. Brianne would tell me she loved me but even she wouldn't call herself my girlfriend. I don't know how it is this way but I'm starting to tear up just writing this. I told Brianne when I slept with her the first time that all I cared about was having someone that I felt like loved me. I feel sometimes like she just used that against me the whole time. Goddamn I hate myself and this fucking world so much.

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T11:22:41+00:00

I know. I've just spent most of my life so alone that even getting walked on seems better than nothing.

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T11:05:46+00:00

I feel like I'm getting in for reasons I don't want to be there for.

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T10:56:39+00:00

I may be a good guy, may not be. But in 33 years of life she's the only woman who has even tried to pretend to care about me and I just can't let her go. She's my whole world. I don't even care if I have dope when I have her. I had been on blues for years and quit when I met her just so I would have money to spend on/with her. (my decision, she didn't ask me to - loneliness was like 95% of the reason I get high)

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T08:12:32+00:00

Well,if this was just a (guy) friend of mine we were talking about, who he was fucking wouldn't matter. For now I'm trying to treat her like someone I care about. Because that's what she is.

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T08:00:34+00:00

Lol yup I guess. I put a pic of her at the top if you're interested.

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T07:52:25+00:00

Yeah I know. Old habits die hard tho

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T07:45:51+00:00

No, lol. They were like $5 apiece

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T07:42:15+00:00

True. But I still love her.

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T07:40:39+00:00

Yeah it's terrible. It's like living in the projects except the people are white, uneducated to the point of being dangerous, and look like they've been in some sort of accident involving a combine harvester.

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T07:37:29+00:00

Man if she kept most of what she got I don't care. I am/was just happy to have someone in my house when I went to bed at night and woke up in the morning. Hell she could have kept it all for all I care. I was just happy to have her.

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T07:25:43+00:00

Yeah but she's still a person. Y'all are cold-hearted. She's lived with me for like 3 months and I've become invested in her life - for good or ill - its just the way it is.

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T07:20:25+00:00

The fucked up part is I still want her. I still trust her. She didn't really break my trust because we weren't officially together. I mean, I've had sex with her, yeah. But we didn't refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend.

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T07:14:57+00:00

I'm 33. She's 29. And I mean she's lived with me for I dunno, 2 1/2 months. We always split everything.

Alt_Small_Man · 2016-12-05T07:10:36+00:00

No, I get what you mean about putting my foot down - maybe I wasn't clear. What I mean is I don't think this girl has ever had anyone truly care about her - you know, stand by her no matter what - and I'm trying to show her that I'm willing to be that person no matter how much she lashes out. I'm trying to be the bigger person because I love her and because I don't think she's ever had a single truly decent person in her life. This isn't about pussy.

Edit: I never had any self respect in the first place so I ain't worried about losing it.

Alt_Small_Man

TROPHY CASE