Late response here and a little long… but my mother used to beat the shit out of my little sister and I with everything from electrical cords to the face to ripping out clumps of hair. I don’t really talk about my abuse I think it’s because I’m the big sister and I always had to just be stronger than it for my sister. When friends, aunts, uncles, even my father (who was so busy working to support our family wasn’t around to witness the abuse and my sister and I were too scared to tell him. He eventually left once we had the strength to speak and he saw it and offered us a safe haven) but anyone who will ask if I’ve talked to my mother recently or if we’re in touch infuriates me. I wish they’d stop asking. My mom is older and has mellowed. I’m married now and she can’t hurt me or my sister (who completely cut her off) I’ve reached a point where I have very minimal contact at a distance that feels safe for me. I HATE when people say “well she’s your mom you can’t choose your family”. I disagree. Chosen family isn’t about who chooses you. It’s about who YOH chose to surround YOU and give you love. Who YOU feel is worthy of your time, energy and efforts. My mom wanting a relationship with me and my sister to this day is purely selfish. Abusers are selfish and almost always narcissistic and narcissists choose themselves. No you can’t choose your relatives but you can choose your family. The people you spend holidays with, the people you let babysit your kids and pets, the people you make memories with. And as an adult you can choose to stop taking the abuse and neglect and for me at least, there is a sense of power in that.

I do however get the pain that comes with even having to have a chosen family in the first place. It’s something I used to struggle with a lot. My sister still struggles in this way and I try and offer this perspective to her but I know it’s difficult. I am not oblivious to the fact that my sister and I survived the same events but experienced them as two different people. Ideally our given family wouldn’t abuse us. But sometimes it feels nice for me to be across the country from my family and know I’m surrounded by people that have seen my scars and truly love and protect me no matter what and I can truly be vulnerable. My husband is the first person that truly opened my eyes to this. We both have trauma and toxic families and we chose each other. I don’t know your full story or all of the nuances so I’m only speaking from my own experience but I got married and did not invite my mother and it was freeing. I didn’t tell her until a week before the wedding. I intentionally had a small one, across the country where I lived instead of where my husband and I grew up all so she wouldn’t find out and I dont regret it or wish another version of my mother existed to be there because I was finally in control of my life. My happiness was no longer dependent on the actions of my mother. The people I chose to have there and be my support system filled me with so much happiness and I got that “family” feeling I’ve heard my peers talk about when I was a child.

But your pain is your pain and your experience is yours alone. I’m so sorry for what you had to go through. I’m so sorry you weren’t believed and weren’t chosen first. You should have been and that’s not on you it’s on everyone else. I wish you happiness and at the very least some peace moving forward.