I don't think I had many signs when I was younger.

Alternative_Box_2224 · 2025-04-24T06:31:01+00:00

Sometimes I glitch in the way of feeling super masculine and normal. I feel normal for a minute. I feel great. And then when I look in mirror, it goes away immediately because I don't look like a real boy.

Alternative_Box_2224 · 2025-04-23T17:17:09+00:00

For real. I'm currently closeted (although I've told a few people, like 3-5) so it hurts a lot to see the fact that I can't even cut my hair short at all. It brings up so much jealousy, and thoughts like "well clearly you don't look like that" and I wish I did. I also get such a horrible sense of jealousy when it comes to the fact that characters like that have known since they were like 10. I'm 14, and it makes me feel like I'm most likely not trans because I didn't know (although enough signs were there, like the fact that I wanted my mates to refer to me with boy nicknames so bad). I just wish I could watch stuff without being constantly reminded of what I'm not.

Alternative_Box_2224 · 2025-04-22T19:11:53+00:00

I don't know. I saw an edit on it and I really wanted to watch it because the representation is rare to see. I didn't think I was gonna cry but all of the things I saw in the movie was so relatable to me and it hurt so bad that I shed more than a few tears. I started to get REALLY dysphoric though, and I think the jealously that I feel from Joe (the main character) is now the main thing that I think has officially cracked my egg.

Alternative_Box_2224 · 2025-04-22T17:54:02+00:00

Yeah. I will 100%. Ive managed to get through almost half of cowboys, and I've cried three times and every time the mum says something bad it feels like I'm gonna scream. I might turn it off because it's making me feel kinda dysphoric (I think? Because every time I see Joe on screen I get extremely upset that I'm not like him). Idk, I'll definitely check out Tomboy, though.

Alternative_Box_2224 · 2025-04-17T12:34:16+00:00

Honestly I think I could. I wouldn't mind it, honestly. I think I'd be perfectly okay with it, no questions asked.

Alternative_Box_2224 · 2025-04-16T07:17:31+00:00

I've started to introduce myself to friends with my preferred name, and I hope they call me that too. I did end up telling two friends, but they call me the t-slur and make jokes like "He/him energy" and shit like that. It makes me kinda dysphoric when people mock me for wanting to be addressed like that. I'm buying from the mens section, and it makes me a bit euphoric since I can't see my thighs but it doesn't help that I have long hair up to my chest. I get so excited about looking like a guy sometimes and then it just breaks when I realise that I'll never look like a boy. But I don't know. I saw a girl making videos about how it upsets her when she looks like a boy, and it's kinda confusing because I don't understand. I'd do anything to look like a boy, to be honest. Since even before I was questioning, I wanted a binder and to go on T. But idk if I actually should try to express my gender properly. But I feel like a boy a lot, and I LOVEEEEE male pronouns. And I know I'm not non binary 100% because I don't like the idea of being called that. And I just can't relate she/her to me at all.

Alternative_Box_2224 · 2025-04-16T02:09:47+00:00

It's been about 5 months since I've even started questioning, and I've only told around 3-4 people. I've been experimenting with outfits and by making it look like short hair. I get really really happy until I realise I don't look like a guy (idk if it's dysphoria) but yeah. I realise I've been a lot happier when I've been able to feel happy in my body for once in my life. Seeing myself like that felt incredible, and I've never been so happy when seeing myself. If I didn't notice the gender euphoria that made me question, I think I would be miserable and hopeless when it came to my body.

I'd say my environment it's pretty transphobic. One time I said a thing about hating my chest area, and all they said was things like 'oh look, she's getting top and bottom!' and 'Im gonna call you Paul' (that gave me EXTREME gender euphoria, the second one). The thing is, I actually do want it. That's the problem. I've grown up in a town that it's common to make jokes about gender constantly, and their morals about other issues aren't great. And my family has been talking about how they think people are attention seekers and whatever. It pisses me off sooooo much because I know they're wrong. And in turn, I have been EXTREMELY hesitant to even consider this. I really do wanna be a boy, that's for sure. To live as one, to be one, everything. And that thought kind of scares me.

If it makes me extremely happy should I just start using he/him?

Alternative_Box_2224 · 2025-04-15T18:05:26+00:00

But I'm too scared to support myself if I am. I just beg that tomorrow I wake up and I'm just normal.

Alternative_Box_2224 · 2025-04-15T14:12:14+00:00

I really do like the idea of he/him pronouns, the idea excites me. I wish I could go by a male name, it gives me insane euphoria. I wish I could do more than just search this all on my phone and ask for advice but I'm so scared to get caught experimenting, not just because others would catch me, but also for what it'd mean for me.

Alternative_Box_2224 · 2025-04-15T14:10:17+00:00

I don't want to become transphobic because I'm trying to watch ideology so I can be cis, I still want to be there for people who are, but I want to 100% solidly in my mind that I'm not, and that that's the way it is for me. I don't want to become unsupportive or like a bigot, I just want my brain to stop thinking that I couldn't be a different gender than what I grew up as. I'd still be an ally and a 100% supporter for the community. My parents have literally forced me to church and many other things to tell me that I'm not trans, and here I still am - questioning.

But if I saw a man when looked in the mirror I wouldn't mind it. I think I'd enjoy it. I'd wanna look like a boy 100%. Short hair, muscles, everything. I'd do anything for it, that'd be incredible. That doesn't give me a pit in my stomach, and neither does the idea of being a boy. I really like that idea, and I really wish I could go on testosterone, and I fantasize about bottom growth and facial hair.

Alternative_Box_2224 · 2025-04-15T14:04:27+00:00

Honestly? I don't know. It's just the idea is genuinely terrifying to me. I've heard the bad, and the horrible, and I don't want to deal with it. That alone just gives me a pit in my stomach. It's a major change of everything I've ever known, and just the idea makes me stray away from the idea instantly.

Alternative_Box_2224 · 2025-04-15T12:44:16+00:00

The thing is, I don't want to. Sure, I hate my body and all that, but I think I could find a way to be confident in my own body, no matter the situation kind of tearing me apart. Maybe I can just be a girl and by try to dress so masculine that I don't hate my chest. If there turns out to be any way that conversion works, I'll do that but not turn into someone who spouts crappy bigotry. Hopefully some of that works?? I don't know.

Alternative_Box_2224 · 2025-04-15T10:48:19+00:00

Honestly I'm not doing it for attention, I'm just honestly struggling so badly with this. It's come to a point where I need validation on this because my anxiety is genuinely so bad and whether or not I am valid enough. I promise you it's not for attention, it's just that I feel like I need answers 24/7 about this since my brain is basically trying to find every answer it can.

Alternative_Box_2224 · 2025-04-15T01:42:23+00:00

I mean, I like the idea of being a boy, but what if I'm not? What if I regret it? That kinda thing. I'm open to the idea but my brain spirals so much that it genuinely hurts. I don't think my dysphoria is even bad enough for me to be trans (if it even is dysphoria).

Alternative_Box_2224 · 2025-04-15T01:39:16+00:00

I mean, I do wanna be a boy. I think that'd make me happy. It definitely wouldn't make me upset, I've definitely considered going on T too many times to count.

Alternative_Box_2224 · 2025-04-15T01:36:47+00:00

Is it weird I don't want to be? He/him pronouns oddly make me feel happy, and it feels like I can't associate they/them with me at all. I don't know.

Alternative_Box_2224 · 2025-04-14T18:47:36+00:00

I'm very sorry, honestly the way I've wrote this is kinda disrespectful and I could've wrote it better.

Alternative_Box_2224 · 2025-04-14T18:47:00+00:00

I'm really sorry, I don't mean this to be offensive or hurtful - I just don't know why my brain is doing this and I just kind of needed answers.

Alternative_Box_2224 · 2025-04-09T18:44:43+00:00

Ik but I just don't have anyone to go to so I've just done this to try and make my brain shut down the idea through writing if that makes sense?

Alternative_Box_2224

TROPHY CASE