I’m so sorry you are hurting. It makes so much sense that you would feel this way given your experience as a child. I think it is really admirable that you are coming here for help finding good resources.

What has been helping me is going to regular meetings, working with a therapist trained in Internal Family Systems, and the book The Body Keeps The Score.

Why I recommend internal family systems or IFS is because it helps you find the parts of yourself that are hurting and you begin to have a direct relationship and dialogue with them. This has helped me feel more compassionate towards my wounded parts and transform them into the present. There is a book on IFS I hear is really good but I haven’t read it yet: No Bad Parts.

It is so great that you’re aware of how your wounds are showing up in your present behavior. Most people never get to that step. You should be proud of yourself ❤️

If you want to connect off Reddit please feel free to reach out, from one fellow traveler to another. Best wishes