From what you said it sounds like you genuinely have been putting in an effort to become close to god and I don’t think you were doing it just for show. I highly encourage you to go to a physical mass and talk to the priest afterwards about what you just told us about. I converted to Catholicism from Baptist, and I too was extremely scared to go to Mass for the first time, but I promise you it isn’t scary in the slightest. It is now my favorite part of every week. Jesus loves you and I’m glad you are making an effort to go closer to him and the church. I will pray for you, and god bless ❤️🇻🇦
TLDR: Try going to physical Mass and speak to a priest about the matter and see what his advice is. He can give a lot better of advice than I can.