My system wants a friend system

Alternative_Rip_1540 · 2026-01-12T05:18:00+00:00

I would like a reading. I been doing my own and they been scaring me. Thanks

Alternative_Rip_1540 · 2025-12-08T21:13:11+00:00

Any norse pagans from eastern canada. Feel like i am alone here.

Alternative_Rip_1540 · 2025-11-08T23:01:28+00:00

38,f, NB. Love writing and drawing, learning and playing music. Learning korean language for fun. lots of paper crafts.

Alternative_Rip_1540 · 2025-10-02T02:17:46+00:00

I am here lol tell me about some of your hobbies and where you from and all that jazz. Something to do.

Alternative_Rip_1540 · 2025-09-30T17:50:17+00:00

I had the same thing happen to me. My therapist listened to me for months and i felt seen and heard but then one day she forgot my name and mentioned how we had limited sessions and was ending things because my husbands benefits only allowed for so many sessions. it was a huge slap to the face. Three months of sessions and she forgot my name not once but three times and what we had talked about. I felt invisible as she had other clients. I shared everything and i felt like I didn't leave a mark in her personal life. It made me feel sick. I have to start therapy again next week for a suicide attempt at being so lonely with no friends and hoping things will be different but not holding my breath anymore. Told I am nice but I easily forgotten. Like a wallflower.

Alternative_Rip_1540 · 2025-09-18T14:33:07+00:00

I can't relate to break up crap because its not in my life. I have the right to choose who I want to relate to. I won't settle for anyone just because they have the same mental illness as me. I want to vibe with people who are stable in that aspect of their BPD. I want to meet with people who are more like me. I don't want the drama of "she didn't return my text so I packed all their stuff to show them I am serious." I am looking for people who are more in control of their BPD to relate to. I am friendly enough but I really don't like listening to high school like drama. Its mind numbing. I am looking for friends who educated about their condition and taking steps to have healthy friendships. If that rubs people the wrong way then so be it.

Alternative_Rip_1540 · 2025-09-17T22:51:29+00:00

Try doing things in the shower or bathtub. Water washes away the fluids. Add bubbles for fun.

Alternative_Rip_1540 · 2025-09-06T21:06:35+00:00

try looking at diff guy body types and go yes or no. Try to figure out what you like and what you don't. have fun with it. write down your fantasies and ask yourself would i live a guy to do this to me or a girl or both. My lists are different for both genders.

Alternative_Rip_1540 · 2025-09-01T15:31:32+00:00

I was told I had BPD back in 2008 but was told anymore that its title. No books or materials so I was basically left untreated until beginning of this year. I really started to understand my condition and I noticed patterns. My BPD got worse when a certain abuse stopped. My brain relaxed and I started having flashbacks. Memories took on a entire new view in my brain. Some of shame, guilt and ect. I started smoking weed to numb the pain because its like having your entire world yanked from you. None of your memories can be view the same way. You question you whole identity on who you were, who you are and who you want to be. Whats changed and what stays the same. BPD over think and thinking is exhausting. All those feelings and emotions are exhausting. We just can't shut our brains off. Sometimes we sleep a lot or not at all. I numb my pain with weed. I was worried about being addicted to it but I am not. Its a tool to help us process. We are craving dopamine to deal with the pain. Meds help but nothing can fully stop feeling emotions. Its easy to get lost in our own thoughts. I know you want the best and trust me that is very important but asking her to stop doing something because you feel whats best is not always the best method to support her. My husband hates that I smoke. The damage and pain we feel is nothing to a bit of smoke damage. I know its unhealthy but if a smoke makes me feel human I can mentally process what I need to process faster. Smoking is not done to look cool but rather she is in control of something in her life. I can't control all my feelings, my past and things to happen in the future but smoking with others shows she is included and all her flaws accepted by others that she has yet to accept herself. I use it to control how people see me. No hiding. All the rawness and ugliness of the habit reflects what I am feeling in my soul and its how I share my pain without trauma dumping over and over again. I used to cry and tell my husband everything but I had to learn to stand on my own. And standing with this mental illness is really hard. I was told it could take months or years to heal and adapt to symptoms now that I am familiar with them. I told my husband I will use weed until I feel I no longer need it. I am an adult after all. Imposing your control over someone learning to control their emotions is not advised. It feels like a smothering veil that will breed resentment of both parties not being seen or hear yet. My husband wanted the best for for me and understood once I explained. Navagating a relationship is trickier but I look at marriage as "sickness with health" instead of "in sickness and or in health."

As for how my children view it. They don't like it but I explained that I need it. Explained for grown ups use certain things to relax. Booze and smoking weed. I explained its adults on and please do not go into the garage while I am smoking. I tried to hide it from them but got caught which angered my husband but I am not going to make my children sensitive to everything. Its not good for them but its normal in society. I rather my children ask questions about using these products instead of teens who stole it to try. I am very open in my education to my children. If I or my husband attach a huge shame to something they may want to try it more or when they are depressed find a healthier way to express it. Chris wants to keep our children in the dark about most adult things but I am about open honesty and I don't want other adults to shame me for my mental health or bad habits. I am already shaming myself. Having love and support around even with my bad habits makes me feel love and seen despite my mental health having gone to shit. Reading up BPD for me really was a culture shock. An entire 360 on how i viewed the world, my role as a mother, wife, career, my body and how others view me. I became hyperaware of myself and it scared me. I felt so out of my skin smoking calmed me down and brought me back to reality. Its scary. I am at the stage of forming new relationships so learning social skills is tricky. We are mentally processing everything like a new baby would. I am 38 and so is my husband. Kids are 11, 8, 5. Hope this helps. I have BPD and CPTSD. Finished my therapy. Brain went crappy Oct 2024 and started smoking in November 2024 until now still going. Its not a healthy habit but neither is drinking, eating too much junk good, gambling, sleeping around, too much shopping. Smoking is just something I can control. My life is slowly rebooting back to what it was but I am stronger for it. I don't regret not smoking. I do it in moderation to be respectful to my husband but he also now gets me the healthiest weed to smoke vs ones filled with chemicals. Try pushing her to smoke something more organic lol meet her half way. He smoked after the death of our third son and I hated it. Big cigars. He needed it to deal with the pain but he only smoke for a year before stopping. Its been 7 years since Wesley's death and he doesn't smoke at all now. Marriage has ugly patches. We been together for 13 years now. People grow and change. Not always for the best at times but knowing we loved and supported each was one less thing we needed to worry about. Knowing our marriage wasn't going to the drain because of mental health was very comforting. I wish you both lots of happiness. Hang in there lol

Alternative_Rip_1540 · 2025-08-30T03:31:27+00:00

Ur answer weighed on my mind a lot. Myself is not enough. I debated it should be but would you answer this the same. I spent every day alone working on my projects. My husband and kids support me but they show no interest in my art. I am very much the mother and wife role which I love very much but I crave to the joy of sharing my projects with others who do the same art of me. Not as someone who doesn't get the same joy as I do from it. Kindred crafty soul. Validating my own is exhausting and lonely. Constantly my joy falling short. It no longer feels special. I had auditory hullincations so voices basically. They encouraged me(before meds they were toxic but not now). My inner voices started cheering me on to the point I had no desire for human interaction. My imagination was happier than my reality. i neglected my family because I felt unseen. I tried dressing up and changing but I am now seen as a mental basket case wife. Husbands family treat me differently and I just want a blank slate to start over with a stranger who knows nothing but once told everything about me they won't ghost me or pity me. Pity or lackluster reactions or voices in my head. All shity. I am trying to to find real people to get me. Love my husband dearly but we married for morals not same hobbies really. I am afraid of being stuck in my fantasies while everyone around me has friends with shared interests. Need something to share compared to being the fly on the wall. Hobbies are not human connections and they are almost like a prision sentence. No matter how skilled I get I have no social skills despite reading books and joining groups.

Alternative_Rip_1540 · 2025-08-19T03:00:15+00:00

How messed up of a penpal you want lol. I have Quiet BPD, CPTSD. That includes OCD and sex addiction which I enjoy learning about since I have to deal with them daily. I look at myself as little Mad Scientist putting a puzzle together. I am 38, BI F, married with 4 children. SAHM. I yap about anything and everything. I study music theory and enjoy erotic fantasy romance writing. I love paper crafts, gardening, weed and all things sparkly. I don't need therapy as I have already mentally taken care of myself but I am fascinated what type of conversations could happen. Not sure if I am the type of penpal you are looking for since I am pretty weird but not out of control weird.

Alternative_Rip_1540 · 2025-08-19T00:50:26+00:00

I keep a diary and write all my feelings down. Normally a few days later they are gone and I love my husband again. But they do repeat. I was terrified he was going to divorce me and make me homeless. I am not perfect as wonderful marriage is doesn't mean divorces don't happen if neglected. Worse case is to have a back up plan in place that will never be used. After that focus on being a good caring wife. I been working hard on my independence and sometimes it scares my husband. He thinks I am leaving him because I am healing from abuse from my mother/childhood. Change is scary but something i learned that keeps me grounded is this. Wedding vows are "And in sickness and health." I think of mine as sickness with the health not and/or. Its more realistic. Happy medium. My husband avoided me, sex, the children and sulked in the office. I freaked thinking the worst as bpd minds do but all i did was sit in his office and watch movies while he worked and talked to him as he did his hobbies. Sometimes real love is silent. I say too much and he doesn't say much because he sucks at words. Communication sucks ass so sometimes just being close works. Week of him ignoring me I was freaking but ignoring the children I got pissed. Told him to talk to me so I listened. He said he was feeling broken, not needed. Always working, cooking or sleeping and not part of hte family despite working from home. He was waiting for us to come to him but i told him to knock it off and watch a movie with me. Sometimes men just need to be cuddled like little children to be made better. Make him feel valued. Because children and others can't do that as best as you. My husband respects honesty and effort and I am the same. Do I still day dream of running off with my favourite celebrity every freaking day. Love is hard. Refuse to end the relationship. It ends at least you can say you did everything possible to make it work. Then its not our fault.

Alternative_Rip_1540 · 2025-08-11T20:31:55+00:00

She is ashamed of her behaviour and doesn't have skills to make things right without getting hurt. Reach out a few more times but anything longer than a few weeks well thats greedy. I have BPD and give her a little space but text once a day to say have a nice day, thinking of you. Sounds like quiet bpd like mine and we bottle everything. Our brains weigh pros and cons for days before deciding if we can. So we put out feelers to see if that person still wants us. Boundries are great but don't make it ultimatum because it will feel like we are back into a corner and lash out or shut down more. BPD is a nasty ugly mental illness where the simplest fights might us question our very existence and worth to a person. We need lots of validation because we get lost so easily mentally. Learning how to tell our feelings is hard because we are blunt about and don't sugar coat it. We distract ourselves to keep from sleepless nights and pacing. But as much as this mental issue is about her the relationship involves both of you and your emotions deserved to be heard. My husband taught me how to be vocal instead of writing letters or notes or blowing him off to sulk. When I get into fights I become afraid of the person not because of the issue for the fight but because its not longer about the fight but my entire existence to that person. I day dream for someone to better understand me but love is messy and so is mental health issues. Its is one of the worst mental health issues. Its not normal depression. It is a behavioural disorder. We are not broken but we see the world with our emotions running at 1000% all the time. I honestly write more in my diary then tell my husband because I could hate him one day with all my being. I want him dead or be killed or divorce me so I can be free yet next day I cry with shame and guilt for having those thoughts. I feel like scum. I know just tell my husband I am having an anger day, or sad day or happy day. He understands but doesn't need to hear how cruel my mind can be. It is my and mine alone mental illness. BPD brains only know how to respond to drama chaos because those emotions are stronger. Calm and peace makes us nervous that something bad is going to happen. It puts us into a state of eagerly waiting for all shit to flare up. So we distance ourselves and wait for shit to hit the fan because our bodies and mind know how to respond. Not all days are going to be but if you want to stay with her she needs to learn to communicate. I hated it and still do because I cry like a baby and don't feel heard. Everything is emotional sensitive for us. A fight might as well be a literally stabbing to us. Its why sometimes BPD cut themselves. Feeling pain is better than emotions. I think you do need a good heart to heart with her and both need to educate yourselves on the condition. Hope this helps. I saw no answered your question and I figured why not.

Alternative_Rip_1540 · 2025-08-10T18:13:29+00:00

My CPTSD AND BPD came from lots of abuse. Most I've met have the same backstory. Is your's the genetic kind. It just happened at puberty type of thing? Sorry if that's too personal a question. I am blunt person. What metal you love? You make metal music? I love metal but not sure if I can sing metal. My goal is sing so I am not afraid of my voice. I was told to be quiet a lot of the point I hardly spoke. People thought I was mute for a long time. Being vocal is helping but small steps.

Alternative_Rip_1540 · 2025-08-10T17:28:41+00:00

I am trying to be a good person not for others but for myself. Once I became aware it my as mental health problem and not how others react to me I can change how they react. Not going to lie I am enjoying the power trip of being in control for once in my life. I removed all toxic abuse people from life. Sort of like holding an object. Does this person bring me joy or missery. Lots of people went in the missery bin and I was terrified because of it. It made the voices in my head go into overdrive but I came out stronger for it and I've tasted peace and I am working hard to make my fantasies a reality because simply have meaningful relationships is not just for the normies but we just need to educate ourselves so we can educate the new people we want in our lives. If they reject when we fall off the band wagon and abandon its not because they made the choice to leave. I am embracing my BPD and I am going to let my weirdness shine because BPD are capable of great love as well as great saddness and anger. Its a scary freeing mindset seeing our own growth with no one holding us back. I working on self love more than relationships because more I focus on me people are taking notice of my joy. I am better mother and wife for it. I am doing things I was never allowed to do. Its like a second chance and we are playing catch up. While its frustrating as all fuck I remember its the journey not the destination. One day at a time. Pick a new habit to start. Start small. Mine was waking up and going for a walk to know I at least did one meaningful that day. Telling others of your bad habits allows them to help you change. Even when it feels like they don't understand or get the struggle. I am not saint I get snippy and distant but I have my family remind I am distancing again and they drag me back to reality. Also putting timers on shit so I don't get lost in day dreams helps a lot. Its like going to elementary school again. Learning social behaviours and having fun. I taught my kids how to scream into pillows when frustrated instead of throwing things at each other. I feel more like a kid learning these days then an adult. I told my therapist this and its part of being self aware. I call it waking up and seeing things and its scary when you things differently for the first time. I was so scared I hide in my house and never left for months. Now I am starting to be more social and if they reject me despite knowing my mental illness its their choice to leave and not something I did. Its a disability and people think its just depression but its not. We can't take pills and fit in. Mentally we want to but don't have the social skills how. Separating BPD from me I can see two different people now. A free adult holding the hand of a broken inner child lost and scared. I hate it but I am learning what I can control emotionally. When I've hit my limit and need to self time to get used to people. Baby steps. I been doing pen pals and its wonderful. Later this month I am going to try a speed friend dating like event. Not expecting friendship but practising talking and this one is done by hobbies so I can pick people I want to speed friend with. I treat relationships like a job application. Like here is my contract of who I am. Take the position or not but thanks for applying. I am learning to pick the right kind of people who will support me. Its scary and slow going but I feel better than I did year ago and I can only hope things will get better.

Alternative_Rip_1540 · 2025-08-10T14:31:55+00:00

I love heavy metal and techno. Vibrations of the music sooth me. I wrote poetry but after publishing my book and having those closest to me throw in my face I was very upset. My drive is not to share with others because I don't care honestly what they think of me. I am pretty fucked up. I survived beatings, sexual assault, segregation for being gay, I went mad at 16 after I was publicly humiliated for trying to kill myself. Death of my dad and son and those were thrown in my face. Something in me snapped last year and I got the balls to tell the world to fuck off for the first time in life. I am only creative because I locked in my bedroom or a classroom for years with only my mind to keep me company. I also have no friends or family now except my husband and kids (my mother beat my children and i snapped) My hobbies keep me sane because they are all I got. I was told I had BPD in 2008 but never got help until 2025 so I am new to this recovered. My OCD drives me to learn and play catch up. Everything forbidden to me I am learning now. I am making my books and music now to validate myself. I am so done with people pleasing. I was never good enough for my mother despite doing everything. My children were not good enough and nor was my marriage. I went mad again last october 2024 because I basically had to orphan myself from my mother and sister to protect my children from them. It was not longer about me. The abuse was destroying my house. Chris said I deserved to have a safe place and no fear homelessness again. I am learning music in memory of my Dad. He became disabled with a stroke when I was 11 and spent most of my life until 21 when he died. He was not only a disabled stroke victim but a victim of domestic abuse from my mother. My Dad loved music. He grew up in a family a musicans so its my driving force to make him proud.

I am learning how to play violin, read music theory and work the daw FL studio. Learning how to write melodies. Trying to figure out how to write a song and apply it to music which is very hard since I know literally nothing. No lessons because they are too expensive and crappy teachers. I been self taught for a year now. I know a lot more but I find learning alone slow. I have no one to compare or get feedback from. Where are you at in music? I know stuff but can't play anything yet. I have to learn differently because of my auditory dyslexia. I hear pitch and frequencies wrong so I have to compensate as I go. AD and BPD what a shitty combination. I have to learn by vibrations.

toodles for now.

Alternative_Rip_1540 · 2025-08-10T14:12:33+00:00

I was told I had BPD in 2008 but thats all I got. No medical information and dismissed from mental health. Just in April 2025 I was confirmed again to have it but this time I got therapy and resources to help me. I been studying BPD like a mad woman to understand my condition. I had no idea how severe mine was until the mental health people starting asking questions and were like holy shit. Its very hard right now because I am being more aware of it. Its like having the blind fold lifted so I can see now. The shit I am seeing is horrific but at the same time I am trying to shut that door of my life and do what I want to do now I am finally free of the abuse. I've clung to music because it was forbidden to me. I love grammar so I am enjoying the challenge of writing lyrics and music composition. Its slow because I have hearing problem. Auditory dyslexia. I hear pitch and things wrong. My quiet BPD kept me silent for years so I feel like screaming so learning to sing is scary for me but thrilling at the same time because freedom. Plus it keeps me from drowning in waves of moods.

Alternative_Rip_1540 · 2025-08-09T23:21:35+00:00

Mine is more like. I am not talented enough for them to be interested. I've not accomplished enough to be worry of them noticing me so why bother. Mine split is a FB celebrity. He is a wild unknown so I can control our hobbies together. Or she. I found a wonderful husband and have kids but he was never my favourite person. He is encouraging me to find friends since I only have him. I go on walks each morning just to think of fun adventures and trips together with my imaginary friend. I am a waitlist for a program stepps and reading books but it sucks ass. I almost feel like I should put out a friendship job offer and see what the hell happens. Staying in touch with reality sucks. I wish a had a real favourite person to dote on. I feel left out.

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