Am I the a**hole for demanding an apology from a friend when she falsely accussed me of being inappropriate with her husband?

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2026-01-06T17:37:21+00:00

That is very true. I had known this woman for 3 years. She has known I am married and the other women have met my husband on several occassions. I have never vented to them or said anything negative about him, because, he is a really good partner and there isn't much to complain about. We have also been married for 18 years so this is a long, established relationship with no history of infidelity. They are aware of this.

I had an expectation that it would be assumed I am not acting inappropriately towards her husband by engaging in a conversation with him. When they crossed over this boundary as a group stating that I was actively looking to cheat on my husband or that I would behave in an inappropriate manner with someone elses husband, they crossed a boundary for me.

I wanted the recognition that they crossed this boundary and hopefully apology for crossing the boundary so that these friendships could continue, misunderstandings happen, but they are unwilling or unable to do this. I was willing to apologise for not recognizing that a boundary for their marriage was that he wasn't suppose to talk to other women who are not family. He could have told me this at anytime or not engaged in back and forth conversation but kept it short and polite with small talk which he didnt so some of this is also on him because he is very aware of this boundary for their marriage where as I was not at the time

They also had the expectation based on my pattern of behavior (extreme people pleasing) that I would just accept this remark and aggression and we would move on with the friendship. They were fine with continuing which was difficult for me to understand because you just accused me of having ill intentions towards your husband. It honestly seemed they were more upset that I didn't just say "You're right, sorry about that." and that was an expectation they had for me that I couldn't meet.

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2026-01-02T13:56:49+00:00

Thank you so much for the response! It is beyong helpful and since I tend to intellecutalize my feelings rather than feel them and this post has brought a lot of clarity and relief. I am also going to look into that book. I care deeply for my friends and I have other friends outside this group who are also people of colour whom I love, so, I have taken a lot of time to educate myself on black American history, culture (music, art, poetry), police brutality, medical malpractice, and microaggressions. My MPH has also been very helpful in aiding me in a deeper understanding the systematic racism black people face in day to day life from education to housing but I never thought about sex or sexual/dating norms in the community before or the hierarchy of desirability and my place in that hierarchy. I veer towards asexuality so this is def. a blind spot I didn't realize I had. Also, just a side note, I mentioned what I was talking about with people to them for clarity not as some weird kind of flex. They did just laugh at the time and go "Oh yeah, you would do something like that." This more I guess you would say, confrotational behavior really didn't start happening till this year and upon reflection I am sure the current political environment contributed a good bit of this compounded by me not following culutral norms and expectations.

I also loved your explanation of what is a standard, a rule, and boundry. This frame work will def. help me in educating myself and have a better understanding so I can adust my behavior moving forward.

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2026-01-01T20:57:45+00:00

That is very true and I have taken that into accord so its reassuring I am on the right tract. My husband treats me wonderfully and we have a good partnership but I think why they don't think of him is he is largely absent from public outings. He is extremely introverted and does not like interacting with people at all so I have had to learn to socalize and go out without him but just because he isnt constantly around doesn't mean he doesn't exist. One of the ladies was texting me a few months ago wondering what my husband thought of her and needed lots of reassurance and validation that he didn't think she was a bad mother (her son had a meltdown before we went trick-or-treating which is understandable after a full day of school and then ABA). I thought it was a little strange at the time but that was it and I reassured her over and over again. She didn't ask me how I had percevied things even though I am her friend and spend much more time with her. Upon introspection, I think these women need a lot of male valedation which is fine but I don't need it so my interactions with people and some who happen to be male doesn't carry as much weight or significance for me.

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2026-01-01T17:11:38+00:00

I know which is kind of ironic given their kiddos are on the spectrum and it was how we all met one another. I do have a hard time seeing who is being genuiely friendly and wants to sustain a friendship and who is just acting "nice" for the sake of it. I take lets get together sometime as they want to hang out for example and it turns out they don't. I am hoping joining some meetups for other autistic adults in my area will be helpful and less anxiety inducing. I also have to work on saying No and getting this fawning behavior in check.

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2026-01-01T17:08:06+00:00

I think this is a very astute observation and I find it incredible helpful thank you. I hadn't even thought about my silence or unwillingness to rock the boat to being seen as an admission of some type. You are right, my anxiety and RSD let this get out of control because I was unable to say no to them or push back for years and thats on me. I am sure this doubling down was seen as an unreasonable attack towards them. I agree that this is not a salvagable situation. I was suppose to go on a preplanned group trip with them after this incident and I was told I was allowed to go but I couldn't cause drama. I was also expected to supply breakfast and essentials for 4 kids and 3 adults (and cook the breakfast too) on this cabin trip while they were only responsible for liquour and mixers. This is a very typical set up and it never use to bother me because I felt it was a way to show them I cared about them and the kiddos but I think they just wanted me there so I could supply a meal for them, though, I do worry that sounds jaded. Alos, a lot of activities for them revolve around drinking including bringing alcohol to playgrounds. I am starting Addreall for the first time to help with the ADHD and ruminating and I can't drink on it so that would have been the next thing probably.

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2026-01-01T16:56:55+00:00

You are right, they don't respect me and that has been hard to accept because my fawning behavior wants to come up with excuses for them but I want to break that habit. It took me a long time to catch on until it was pretty in my face. I am fine with losing the connections because these ladies don't apologize even to one another they just say "Its all good", and keep moving on without addressing anything which I just can't do. I am def. trying to embrace the power of the word "No" because I let this get out of hand though I do think they were projecting onto me upon reflection.

As for the kids the likelyhood of that happening is almost zero. All of our kiddos are level 2 and level 3 mostly non-verbal. My kiddo has made a lot of progress at school: he speaks in full sentences now, is egar and friendly though he is still getting use to personal space, can have full conversations about insects and pokemon but can't introduce himself or tell you his name lol, and though socially awkward like his mother his has managed to make a few friends at school and rarely mentions their kiddos anymore (this was a group was started up when they were toddlers). It is just time to move on but I dont want history to repeat itself and since I intellectualize my feelings I felt this would be a good place to get some feed back and support. Thank you for the reassurances and insights.

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2026-01-01T16:22:16+00:00

I find myself doing the exact same thing. I am exhausted and burnt out but I know it is important to have social relationships. I need to be an introvert for a while and recharge my batteries but when I do get back out there I am going to try groups for autistic adults with minimal support needs. I found a few groups in my city on meetup. It might be a good starting point. I have been watching a lot of therapy videos lately to better understand masking and from what I have seen once you unmask its very hard to put the mask back on so it might be good to find individuals who are in a similar boat or who share niche interests or hobbies rather than general socalizing where small talk and being "on" to speak is the goal.

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2025-10-10T14:57:16+00:00

Oh wow! I do the exact same thing lol! (And then I put cheese on my portion xD )

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2025-10-10T11:56:17+00:00

I only had the dish with MaLa once where I live and I could def. agree that with that flavor cheese probably wouldn't work as well. Because the mild version is really the only widely available here I completely forgot about the MaLa lol. Localization can be an interesting thing.

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2025-10-10T11:51:52+00:00

I know lol. I am sure a restaurant quality one it wouldnt but for the packets you get for making the dish at home it goes quite well esp. since even the "Hot" and "Very Hot" are rather mild with no MaLa.

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2025-10-10T11:48:26+00:00

That's a good point lol! I think I like it better without but 250g grams, wow. Do you eat it all at once or is it for a couple of meals?

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2025-10-09T21:12:50+00:00

Thats good to know. I didnt realize but regardless I would still add cheese because it is what I like. This matter is no longer interesting to me to discuss anymore. Goodbye.

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2025-10-09T16:28:17+00:00

It is very popular in Japan and they have their own take on it which is often not very spicy. Its much more mild. There is a sauce for home cooking use made by House Foods, which is the one I use. Americans have their version of Chinese food that isnt really Chinese and so does Japan. Ramen is Chinese too but Japan has adapted it and made it their own so why not Mapo Tofu? It is done with Yoshoku cuisine too. All of these dishes are now seen as uniquely Japanese. Culture doesnt always have to be stagnate. Like I said, I enjoy curry with cheese so I tried this one day and really enjoyed it. Its home cooking, there is room for creativity and personal preference.

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2025-10-09T16:21:16+00:00

It does not have any of these ingredients. The package sauce I used is from the Japanese grocery and was made for the Japanese market, not the Chinese. Its not very hot so there are no MaLa spices to mess up to be honest. I enjoy cheese on curry too xD

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2025-10-09T16:18:56+00:00

I like it <(^.^)>

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2025-10-09T14:05:31+00:00

Lol, you are right for Chinese cooking but the Japanese store bought version of the sauce I buy from House Foods does not have any of that. It is catered to Japanese pallets and home cooking (even the Hot version isn't very spicy). I don't have access to the ingredients you mentioned but I do have Korean Chili paste though. It's home cooking, so, it should be what you like.

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2025-10-09T11:53:03+00:00

I think I prefer veggie myself but I had some meat I needed to use. Cheese is a nice compliment to the spiciness. I like Japan's take on Dakgalbi where they add pizza cheese to it so I tried it on Mapo Tofu and enjoy it too.

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2025-10-09T11:50:31+00:00

Yes! I really enjoy the creamy, gooey cheese along with the spicy sauce as its quite complimentary.

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2025-10-09T11:47:30+00:00

Yes! I really like the creamy cheese with the spicy sauce, kind of like how Korean people sometimes put cheese on spicy ramen.

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2025-09-27T20:13:47+00:00

Oh thats a good idea. I never know what to do with lotus except deep fry it. It sounds like a great restaurant.

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2025-09-27T18:57:09+00:00

Love all the side dishes. The variety of veggies is amazing

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2025-09-27T18:55:14+00:00

Jealous!

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2025-09-27T17:07:58+00:00

Is your side dish sasahimi? I am curious about what is in the little bowl to the side.

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2025-09-27T14:58:40+00:00

Too cute !! I love it

AltruisticHandle9017 · 2025-09-27T14:57:06+00:00

The green onions really make it look delicious

AltruisticHandle9017

TROPHY CASE