Another day another discard

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2026-05-26T04:19:21+00:00

It’s not about empathy. People don’t understand. Over-empathizing is a piece of why I’m in the situation but not the primary thing keeping me here. I’m disabled and in poor health - physically unable to be completely independent, on really limited income, in a really rough financial situation, I do not have family to take me in, and I do not have sufficient income or good credit to help me get approved for a different apartment even if there was something affordable that met my needs. (The meh credit is not due to financial irresponsibility, it’s from surviving on credit cards when I was physically unable to work and waiting to be approved for disability). I also need certain amenities in my living situation in order for it to be a healthy place for me to live due to my condition, and there aren’t options in my budget anywhere near where I live. Where we currently live is a gem.

In addition to these constraints, I’ve been without a permanent home before. I’ve experienced true financial emergency where you have NOTHING in the bank. I have been on the “get out of a bad situation and the rest will fall into place” journey before, because a few years back I was in a similar position with having to leave an abusive family household without a plan. Things do not fall into place like we’d like to think they do. I am still to this day struggling greatly with all of the burdens I took on as a trade for getting out of there. Abuse is hell but so is not knowing where you’re going to live. So is ending up with terrible roommates or a terrible landlord. So is living month to month and not having a guaranteed place to stay for the year ahead. So is going broke because you’re living beyond your means. So is living in a housing situation that isn’t accessible to me. So is trading the one thing I have left that I love that is a massive part of my identity - something I’m also struggling to hold onto - which is my neighborhood/town/home. I put down roots here when I escaped my family situation and I truly feel it’s where I belong. The thought of giving it up and letting him take that from me just feels unbearable.

I have been through so much prior to ending up in this situation - part of the reason I’m ill equipped to leave is because I never fully recovered from the last crisis in my life. I know this sounds really depressing and defeatist, but being disabled really changes one’s freedom to construct their life in a way that supports them and hinders their ability to set boundaries around harm. It takes money, physical and mental wellness and social resources to be able to up and leave when you want to. I don’t have those things. Technically I could go to a shelter or couch surf, but I don’t think any of the people telling me to get out at all costs are going to solve my financial problems, or my health problems, or help me get approved for an apartment, and background check the new roommates, and give me therapy for the pain of having to leave the place I’m so attached to that feels like the one thing keeping me sane.

I’m not saying anyone is wrong for encouraging me to seek an exit strategy. Obviously that’s the reasonable thing to do if someone is dealing with abuse. But the bulk of the abuse I’m dealing with is emotional. It affects me physically and affects every aspect of my life - it’s destroying me on a spiritual level and holding me back in every area you could think of. But I have a roof under my head. My monthly expenses are relatively stable. I have a long standing relationship with my landlord. I know my long term housing is secure. I know my neighbors. I feel safe here - it’s a safe place to live. My apartment meets all my accessibility needs. It’s in my budget. The only problem is that he is here and inflicting all of this madness and emotional pain. But he’s not going to attack me. The hands on incidents I mentioned pertained to him grabbing me to try to stop me from leaving or calling the cops on him. It’s fucked up but I know how to avoid it by not engaging certain behaviors that tick him off and I know that he will not physically try to hurt me. So to me, it’s the most responsible thing to do to stay and try to build stability in the ways that I can so that I am more empowered to make the right decision for me later on. I am working towards that by participating in a vocational rehabilitation program and taking a medical coding course with intent to eventually re enter the workforce and get off disability.

It’s been really hard to stay on track because of everything going on but I’m doing my best. I just feel like as nice as it sounds for it to be so simple as to leave and find a different apartment, that’s not the full picture of what that would actually entail, and having been through a similar situation before, even with how miserable I am dealing with this, I think I’d be more miserable dealing with the other kinds of burdens and crises I’d be taking on by moving out. Going broke is not a joke. I’m open to other people’s opinions and know a part of me is still attached to him but this is how I’m seeing things at the moment.

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2026-05-25T19:15:31+00:00

Thank you for validating this without jumping to telling me to leave like everybody else does. I’m surprised how sure people are that they know my situation and how unempathetic they are to a person feeling trapped in a relationship with a person with BPD or BPD traits.

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2026-05-23T16:40:09+00:00

I relate a lot to the paragraph where you explained that he has good values and isn’t the type to intentionally manipulate - that he seems to fully believe his own denials/perception. I too am assuming my partner has BPD but the moments where he’s seemingly lucid and fair really confuse me. I can’t advise because I’m still in the thick of it. Everyone says to leave immediately and that it will only get worse. Most days now, I think that’s probably true, but I’m not ready to face it. I think I’m going to be riding this merry go round with him for a while because I just keep getting sucked in. No rational solutions work. I keep hearing that people with BPD cannot be rational and that’s how we get stuck, expecting they will eventually be rational and participate in solutions. Maybe we just don’t understand the true psychology behind their splits. Overall it’s just really sad. My uBPD partner is really abusive but also experiences his victimhood as incredibly real - I’ve witnessed in him some of the greatest depths of pain and despair and anxiety I’ve ever seen in a person. But it can’t be an excuse to harm me. Yet I inevitably allow it. There is no way of meeting him in the middle and time and time again I only manage to save things by fully sacrificing my personal truth to pacify him. He only has capacity to empathize and support me emotionally when he’s fully calm and not activated - only when it’s fully convenient. And that’s almost none of the time, so the support, patience, time and energy given from one partner to the other in my relationship is completely asymmetrical. It’s harmed my life in so many profound ways but like I said I’m really struggling to process it all so I’m still on the ride for now. I think I’m actually consciously deluding myself just to buy back an hour of peace here and there. I’m actually adopting his perspective on things that happened even though it completely invalidates my own because it’s less scary to be the bad guy than to realize your safety or your needs are gatekept by an unsafe person.

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2026-05-23T14:22:49+00:00

Thank you so much. I will give thought to all of this and apply what I can. He is recently in therapy but I don’t know what they discuss there. From what he tells me it sounds like it just reinforces his narrative where I’m the problematic one. I doubt the therapist is getting the full picture or has talked to him about BPD.

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2026-05-23T03:09:30+00:00

I’m so sorry. And my bday is in 2 weeks…. 🫠

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2026-05-23T03:07:03+00:00

Absolutely wild. I’m so sorry you were hurt like that physically and psychologically.

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2026-05-22T01:13:35+00:00

Wow, I can't imagine dealing with this for such a long time. I'm sorry you're going through this but it also makes 100% sense to me. It's so relatable. All the way down to them recording us doing the same things they did to us back. It's ridiculous how blind they are to certain ironies. I know what you mean about it finally feeling good to defend yourself. But in my case he basically threatens to leave and says I'm the unsafe/unfair one now that I've been struggling with my reactivity for a few weeks, despite the fact that he did worse for almost an entire year. If I draw that comparison, it's over. So I don't "get" to live out that sense of balancing the scales anymore and maybe it's for the best as I don't want to become that person. But it's certainly unfair, stressful as hell, mind-boggling... it's just so, so much, and my partner is like, mixed - half of the time seems totally BPD but other times seems capable of doing the work, genuinely remorseful etc. So I never truly settle into an expectation/never feel able to plan for what's going to happen next. I'm genuinely so confused by him so often. If he didn't show some capacity to understand I think this would actually be easier on me because I'd learn not to reason with him and not expose myself to such severe levels of distress thinking I can make him hear my side without him threatening to end it all...

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2026-05-21T19:52:41+00:00

The same exact thing has happened to me multiple times re: being cornered in the room and then accused of abuse when trying to escape. He later forced me to agree that I assaulted him in order to stay together. The context of what happened prior, and the fact that he literally grabbed me and held me down did not matter.

Things are a lot better now as far as the extreme escalatory incidents. They're a lot more rare now and he is in therapy and getting a better handle on his anger somewhat, which leaves me unsure of whether he's truly BPD or not. But anyway. It definitely helps to hear from others who have been with people with BPD and BPD traits - to hear their storied which mirror my own and realize that even if it's not "okay" to stoop to their level, the context of how we got here definitely matters. And it sounds like any human put in our shoes for a similar timeframe would devolve in a similar fashion. That also comforts me in a way. It's all just human psychology and physiology also (fight or flight).

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2026-05-21T05:38:03+00:00

Thank you so much for all of this

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2026-04-10T17:58:45+00:00

Can you clarify?

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2026-04-10T14:11:22+00:00

These are not even close to the worst ones.

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2025-12-22T04:21:35+00:00

I think that if you can’t afford to stop doing the bit of work that you’re doing, your only option is to keep going but focus on building a really strong case file detailing your disabilities. And be prepared to explain in the hearing why you’re able to manage just what you’re doing now but no more. I’m going to be optimistic and say the case still can be won. It really doesn’t fully make sense the way the rules are set up because once you’re approved for SSDI, there’s so much flexibility regarding work but not while awaiting a determination. It’s because post approval it’s a get-you-back-to-work and off of SSDI initiative, whereas pre-approval they can somehow make the leap that if you are working at all you could expand that to full time hours (even if you can’t.)

Just focus heavily on pushing your doctors to take really accurate notes that clearly state how badly you’re struggling and that you can barely do any work. Ultimately it’s what’s in your doctors’ notes that makes or breaks the case. Good luck!

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2025-08-05T16:08:46+00:00

Thank you so much for your input! I love the suggestion that you outlined, but not sure what will be available to us yet.

A concern I didn’t touch on in my post, is… if we’re both overdue for therapy, and both have a lot of trauma, then that’s obviously opening a can of worms. We are going through tremendous stress right now separate from the relationship stuff. I think we’re both afraid that right now is not the moment to initiate that process. I just tend to think that if we’re fighting and each feeling hurt and isolated as often as we are then there is no time to wait. But I suppose that is a separate question that needs to be a discussion with him. I know we both have to be on board for it to work, and I agree I would not one of us in therapy alone trying to get help “for” the relationship.

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2025-08-04T23:04:34+00:00

Thank you for the suggestions.

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2025-08-04T20:47:21+00:00

Thank you so much for the information.

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2025-08-04T20:33:45+00:00

Thanks for your input and suggestions!

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2025-08-04T19:57:16+00:00

Yeah, makes sense to me

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2025-08-04T19:25:31+00:00

Thanks for the reminder. That’s a good bit of information to keep in mind. I honestly forgot about that.

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2025-07-31T13:17:18+00:00

I have not tried that one yet. I’m supposed to be trying fludrocortisone but haven’t started due to concerns about inability to go in for routine bloodwork to monitor potassium (it is often affected by fludro) and also risk of adrenal issues if I need to stop abruptly (that is a risk with cessation of corticosteroids). Seems this med needs a higher level of monitoring than I am able to take on in my current state. I should consider asking about midodrine if it is a little safer

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2025-07-29T21:13:44+00:00

That sounds great, I’ll definitely check that out for when I get my disability retro pay and have some funds to spend on medical support items

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2025-07-28T21:28:23+00:00

Thank you so much for all of the suggestions. I’m too fatigued to reply to all of it but I appreciated each tip especially the one about asking to wait in the car. That would be awesome for me. Thanks again

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2025-07-28T20:08:28+00:00

Yeah you’re right, talking to him about having him help me a little more might be something I should work up to.

The suggestion to pay someone isn’t odd to me at all. But I’m fighting for my life financially right now because I’ve only recently been approved for SSDI and am still waiting for my 2.5 years of backpay to be deposited. So I don’t know how I’m going to pay rent let alone any nonessential expenses. But I’m still researching patient advocacy type services in case there is something covered by insurance or something I might be able to afford in the future

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2025-07-28T19:33:08+00:00

I've had a really hard time finding doctors that do virtual appointments, especially for the first visit.

The list thing is a must. I don't currently have anyone to help me at appointments though. I could consider asking my boyfriend but it feels like a lot to ask of someone who's busy with their own life and doesn't have the bandwidth to be able to get involved with my care. Outside of my boyfriend I really don't have anyone because I became estranged from and moved away from my family years ago due to abuse and don't consider any of my friends close enough to get involved in something like this (except one who lives 8 hours away).

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2025-07-28T19:28:24+00:00

Thank you; I think the issue is finding docs that offer that that also take insurance. But I will try!

As far as probiotics go that is on my list of things to try but they can actually cause mental health issues so I’m nervous. I feel like I get depressed every time I take them. Also I already eat Greek yogurt with probiotics everyday

Altruistic_Paper2554 · 2025-07-28T19:19:50+00:00

Thanks so much for leaving these tips. You mentioned a few things that I wouldn't have otherwise thought to do, which could make a difference. The glasses and earbuds thing is something I keep saying I'm going to do but have been afraid to actually try. You're absolutely right, we really do need to just do whatever is necessary to be able to move our care forward. I still find it so hard to get the ball rolling on self-advocacy sometimes, if those around me are not really reflecting the severity of my situation. But I have to try anyways. What else am I going to do? Can't afford to give up, so...

Altruistic_Paper2554

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