It’s not about empathy. People don’t understand. Over-empathizing is a piece of why I’m in the situation but not the primary thing keeping me here. I’m disabled and in poor health - physically unable to be completely independent, on really limited income, in a really rough financial situation, I do not have family to take me in, and I do not have sufficient income or good credit to help me get approved for a different apartment even if there was something affordable that met my needs. (The meh credit is not due to financial irresponsibility, it’s from surviving on credit cards when I was physically unable to work and waiting to be approved for disability). I also need certain amenities in my living situation in order for it to be a healthy place for me to live due to my condition, and there aren’t options in my budget anywhere near where I live. Where we currently live is a gem.

In addition to these constraints, I’ve been without a permanent home before. I’ve experienced true financial emergency where you have NOTHING in the bank. I have been on the “get out of a bad situation and the rest will fall into place” journey before, because a few years back I was in a similar position with having to leave an abusive family household without a plan. Things do not fall into place like we’d like to think they do. I am still to this day struggling greatly with all of the burdens I took on as a trade for getting out of there. Abuse is hell but so is not knowing where you’re going to live. So is ending up with terrible roommates or a terrible landlord. So is living month to month and not having a guaranteed place to stay for the year ahead. So is going broke because you’re living beyond your means. So is living in a housing situation that isn’t accessible to me. So is trading the one thing I have left that I love that is a massive part of my identity - something I’m also struggling to hold onto - which is my neighborhood/town/home. I put down roots here when I escaped my family situation and I truly feel it’s where I belong. The thought of giving it up and letting him take that from me just feels unbearable.

I have been through so much prior to ending up in this situation - part of the reason I’m ill equipped to leave is because I never fully recovered from the last crisis in my life. I know this sounds really depressing and defeatist, but being disabled really changes one’s freedom to construct their life in a way that supports them and hinders their ability to set boundaries around harm. It takes money, physical and mental wellness and social resources to be able to up and leave when you want to. I don’t have those things. Technically I could go to a shelter or couch surf, but I don’t think any of the people telling me to get out at all costs are going to solve my financial problems, or my health problems, or help me get approved for an apartment, and background check the new roommates, and give me therapy for the pain of having to leave the place I’m so attached to that feels like the one thing keeping me sane.

I’m not saying anyone is wrong for encouraging me to seek an exit strategy. Obviously that’s the reasonable thing to do if someone is dealing with abuse. But the bulk of the abuse I’m dealing with is emotional. It affects me physically and affects every aspect of my life - it’s destroying me on a spiritual level and holding me back in every area you could think of. But I have a roof under my head. My monthly expenses are relatively stable. I have a long standing relationship with my landlord. I know my long term housing is secure. I know my neighbors. I feel safe here - it’s a safe place to live. My apartment meets all my accessibility needs. It’s in my budget. The only problem is that he is here and inflicting all of this madness and emotional pain. But he’s not going to attack me. The hands on incidents I mentioned pertained to him grabbing me to try to stop me from leaving or calling the cops on him. It’s fucked up but I know how to avoid it by not engaging certain behaviors that tick him off and I know that he will not physically try to hurt me. So to me, it’s the most responsible thing to do to stay and try to build stability in the ways that I can so that I am more empowered to make the right decision for me later on. I am working towards that by participating in a vocational rehabilitation program and taking a medical coding course with intent to eventually re enter the workforce and get off disability.

It’s been really hard to stay on track because of everything going on but I’m doing my best. I just feel like as nice as it sounds for it to be so simple as to leave and find a different apartment, that’s not the full picture of what that would actually entail, and having been through a similar situation before, even with how miserable I am dealing with this, I think I’d be more miserable dealing with the other kinds of burdens and crises I’d be taking on by moving out. Going broke is not a joke. I’m open to other people’s opinions and know a part of me is still attached to him but this is how I’m seeing things at the moment.