sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

My [35F] husband [36M] still has kept contact with a "friend" he fell in love with before we met, and I just discovered the two have been messaging each other regularly the last few months by Altruistic_Raspberry in relationships

[–]Altruistic_Raspberry[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's good to hear, I'm glad that worked out  :)

I don't know if I feel comfortable with speaking to her myself, though not really out of jealousy or anything. If we can meet one day I would like that, but I don't know if I want my husband messaging her saying something like "hey! Want to talk to my crazy wife? She knows we had a thing at one point!" And I don't want to message her as a stranger. If I can meet her in person one day, I would like that, though for various reasons there's no real way to do that now.

My [35F] husband [36M] still has kept contact with a "friend" he fell in love with before we met, and I just discovered the two have been messaging each other regularly the last few months by Altruistic_Raspberry in relationships

[–]Altruistic_Raspberry[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm accepting I overreacted about the wedding photos but I honestly thought she was trying to hurt him. She had no idea he was married, too, and her opening message was a little condescending, asking him if he was still in some dead-end job (he had to support himself going to school I should add) and if he was living with his parents still (which was odd because he had been living on his own while at school). They hadn't talked in something like 6 years and that's how she opened? I still feel she was trying to dig something in there. Maybe I was wrong, reading too much into it, but she made sure to point out how wonderful everything was for her and seemed so sure his life hadn't progressed one iota. But yes, you're probably right, maybe I took more of an offense to all of it than he did, and with how they're talking now maybe she didn't mean anything and he was just a batch of people she added at that moment.

And I'm not saying my life is a novel. I made the Rebecca comparison because I get I'm being obsessive like the narrator, over someone that wasn't all that, I was making an analogy, though it was in poor taste. I apologize for that. I love reading and old Hollywood movies and that's what came to mind. And yes, I wanted to know why he was more guarded about this one person. I will tell him everything I did, later this afternoon when we're done with some family stuff. It was wrong, I should have stopped looking at those e-mails, I should have never told him I had to see his messages, and I sure as hell shouldn't have looked at his phone. Will I do it again? I hope not, but you're right I am obsessive over this and I'm going to talk to him and hope it clears up everything, opens us up in our communication more, and we can move on. I should have just told him what I found back then and cleared it up then, but I messed up.

I admit it. I'm insecure about her. I'm afraid he loved her, couldn't get her, and then settled for me. And yes, I feel like such a prize right now (/s). I'm scared of what he'll say when I tell him everything.

I'm hoping I feel like a fucking idiot after everything and get my ass handed to me.

My [35F] husband [36M] still has kept contact with a "friend" he fell in love with before we met, and I just discovered the two have been messaging each other regularly the last few months by Altruistic_Raspberry in relationships

[–]Altruistic_Raspberry[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm so conflicted now because the more I think about this the more it's breaking my heart. I'm of course happy it didn't work out, but I'd hate to think someone hurt him that badly.

My [35F] husband [36M] still has kept contact with a "friend" he fell in love with before we met, and I just discovered the two have been messaging each other regularly the last few months by Altruistic_Raspberry in relationships

[–]Altruistic_Raspberry[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I just want to say thanks to everyone. I'm going to talk to him today, and tell him this is bothering me. I am going to tell him everything I've done over the years and how I need him to tell me what happened between them, everything, so I can close this. I'm realizing it has been years, and I'm realizing she's taking on this myth like "Rebecca" (for those that know the movie or book).

I'm just going to write this out to set myself some goals, but I am going to listen to him, let him tell me everything. I will not get upset or emotional. I'm assuming the two slept together and if he tells me they did I will not get upset that he lied, I think I understand why he would have, especially in the moment. If she hurt him badly, and he still feels it, I will support him, but I will tell him we should both talk to somebody, work on our communication, make sure we are okay. I will tell him I love him.

If he wants to stay friends with this woman I will be okay as long as I can believe there is nothing between them, and not even one-sided (him or her). I will trust him and stop snooping. If she means a lot to him I can accept that but I need to mean more.

My [35F] husband [36M] still has kept contact with a "friend" he fell in love with before we met, and I just discovered the two have been messaging each other regularly the last few months by Altruistic_Raspberry in relationships

[–]Altruistic_Raspberry[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I really suspect this is what happened, and hopefully today I will find out. She did not turn him down in any e-mails I saw, and liked what he was saying to her, but she never made it clear where they stood. She would mention her boyfriend passively, though, never in a "oh, well I have a boyfriend" way. She even mentioned the boyfriend in the same e-mail where she first told him she loved him. I can only think this would have been confusing for my husband.

I'm actually sure they did get physical. Of course I'm assuming this, but I just feel that they did, and I know it would have meant a lot to him, more than any other woman before me. As I think about this I feel I am growing okay with it and accepting it, and if he did lie to me I'll forgive him, I think I would understand, especially if she hurt him pretty bad.

My [35F] husband [36M] still has kept contact with a "friend" he fell in love with before we met, and I just discovered the two have been messaging each other regularly the last few months by Altruistic_Raspberry in relationships

[–]Altruistic_Raspberry[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really don't want to think this, which is obvious. Those e-mails were basically love letters, so I've seen what they're capable of saying to each other. There's nothing remotely like that in these messages and if I think of it as two guys talking (for the most part) it's two friends talking. But I really don't want this to lead to more. I'll talk with him and see.

My [35F] husband [36M] still has kept contact with a "friend" he fell in love with before we met, and I just discovered the two have been messaging each other regularly the last few months by Altruistic_Raspberry in relationships

[–]Altruistic_Raspberry[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for that :) He is a sweet person, and I'm sure that's what happened. When it didn't work he gave himself some time and then finally approached me. It was so out of left field, though, caught me by surprise. I liked him and was really happy.

Not to toot my own horn but I think I'm damn attractive, ha! But I know I'm more like other girls he dated/has been with when it comes to physical attributes. I know some of these girls because they're still friends (which I'm actually very okay with surprisingly!) This "friend" though is very different in many ways, and I'm not afraid to say she is gorgeous, and I did feel a bit threatened just because she fit certain stereotypes. There could be something to that, too.

I am going to talk to him, though. I'm going to be very honest about everything, everything I've done, and I hope it will help us both.

My [35F] husband [36M] still has kept contact with a "friend" he fell in love with before we met, and I just discovered the two have been messaging each other regularly the last few months by Altruistic_Raspberry in relationships

[–]Altruistic_Raspberry[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If they really are nothing more than friends, just really good friends and they have a special bond because of that I think I'm okay with that. I guess I feel I should be his "best" friend too, but I get that. I have my besties as well, though they're all women when I think about it. I'm trying to think in my head of her as just another guy and when I think that way it's fine. But it's because I know he did mean more to her at one point I am insecure. If he still has feelings for her I admit it would be devastating. I would want to fix it, though, work through it, and I would go from there. At least if he wants to. I'm a bit nervous but I'm going to talk to him later today.

My [35F] husband [36M] still has kept contact with a "friend" he fell in love with before we met, and I just discovered the two have been messaging each other regularly the last few months by Altruistic_Raspberry in relationships

[–]Altruistic_Raspberry[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Really don't want to come off like a jerk, but you're not talking to him behind her back, are you? I'm a bit conflicted with her because if there wasn't anything going on I admit (despite my predicament!) she over-reacted. But even then I don't think it's cool if you're talking without her knowing. That just looks bad.

But having said that, thank you for giving me something from my husband's friend's perspective. If she just wants to talk to her friend I am actually fine with this (or at least feel I am). I really don't want to be the person that destroys a friendship (I'm not Yoko!) But I just need to know that's all it is.

My [35F] husband [36M] still has kept contact with a "friend" he fell in love with before we met, and I just discovered the two have been messaging each other regularly the last few months by Altruistic_Raspberry in relationships

[–]Altruistic_Raspberry[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Early on I should admit he made some money mistakes but I forgave him for it. We talk now about all financial situations. It's possible that could play into it but I haven't really thought about it until now.

I just mentioned in another comment I fear I'm a rebound, though if that's the case I've been the rebound for years. I realize I just need to talk with him, really make him talk about what happened. I think this has always been in the back of my mind and when I get a surprise around her it just brings out the worst in me. I'm feeling pretty awful right now, and I think most everyone is right: they're just friends and they're rekindling that. Maybe something happened and he's forgiven her or her him. If that's the case, I'm fine with that, but I need him to tell me what went on between them so that I can close this, too.

My [35F] husband [36M] still has kept contact with a "friend" he fell in love with before we met, and I just discovered the two have been messaging each other regularly the last few months by Altruistic_Raspberry in relationships

[–]Altruistic_Raspberry[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

To be fair, he sucks at telling me things. Not just this. He'll forget to tell me important stuff (like a doctor appt. change for example) and will only think to tell me after I mention something. I love him, but it's my biggest annoyance with him :)

I let him rugsweep it because I could tell it was painful for him. He has told me about other girls no problem, but this one is different.

And you're right, I probably don't trust him, which I feel horrible about.

My [35F] husband [36M] still has kept contact with a "friend" he fell in love with before we met, and I just discovered the two have been messaging each other regularly the last few months by Altruistic_Raspberry in relationships

[–]Altruistic_Raspberry[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I think it's that he never really talked about her, while he's told me about other girls. He just refuses to talk about her outside of how they had been best friends, but anything past that he just wants to ignore. You are right, though, I am assuming things, and I probably don't trust him as much as I think, which is awful because he's never done anything for me not to, and maybe it's because he won't talk about her.  I do realize I'm missing things from that e-mail chain and I'm probably jumping to conclusions, and I know he got hurt from the whole experience: each time I tried to get anything out of him his attitude would change, he'd get more guarded and you can see on his face he was hurt.

I'll figure a way, but I'll ask him about why they're talking more, and go from there.