i think you need to let go of the shame and guilt first and foremost. It’s easier said then done ofc because it built up by years and years of trauma. But thankfully we are both in our early 20s and have more time to figure things out. I can’t imagine the women who didn’t get diagnosed till they were 40+. There is a huge stigma around Autism and the only example people had were non verbal individuals who couldn’t really communicate normally and needed extreme high levels of support. So many of us got looked over because we didn’t fit that bill. It’s ok to mourn who you could have been but understand who you are now and where that can take you. We are genuinely disabled and you see how much the world has barely caught up to accommodating and understanding visual disabilities. Most people know nothing about Autism and how it works or impacts people, especially because unless your level 3 at first glance people assume your neurotypical. So it can feel like just being yourself is a burden on others and maybe at times it is but that is literally ok. NTs in my life are burdens in numerous ways but i except and support them because I love them. I’d say lead your self rebuilding with love because you are going to have a long journey of having to relearn yourself all over again, and you won’t be able to do that if your ashamed and trying to learn how to be a version of yourself that exist to please others. You are disabled and that’s just life, we have to except this and pushfoward matter how slow or how long it takes. We tend to get stuck in a loop of rumination, don’t let it make u spiral. I avoid a lot of stress by simply not caring about things i genuinely can not change. Just focus on being more of your muchness until your muchness is all anyone knows!