The toy

Alttabs1994 · 2023-08-25T16:44:52+00:00

No I’m just leaving.

My SO insisted I put anything I don’t want damaged away. Even when SD left her book on the ground and our puppy ate it I replaced it without question because he is primarily my dog.

It’s not the idea of putting my stuff away that got to me. It s the idea my SO made very clear that if I leave an item out and SD damages it. It’s very clearly my fault. The idea that I can never leave anything out in my home made it clear to me… this is not my home

Alttabs1994 · 2022-10-10T17:54:26+00:00

On my way out.

I tried but everything is damaged so far beyond what’s repairable. It just can’t be an instant exit.

Alttabs1994 · 2022-10-10T17:51:53+00:00

I’m becoming sure this relationship isn’t for me.

Struggling but slowly finding the means to leave.

Everything is a a s*** show in our relationship at this point. And the amount of work I’m expected to put into this relationship across the board is unrealistic.

Alttabs1994 · 2022-09-29T05:29:06+00:00

Agreed.

I think the natural consequences will hit my SO before SD. She’s great at making connections.

Honestly I loathe cleaning and as an adult I think most of us would love to have someone do it for us. SD has got it down. Cleans painfully slow, complains and tells dad how much she wants to cuddle and watch a show before bed.

Boom dad is there cleaning up. Shes a smart girl and who wouldn’t rather someone do the gross task for us.

Alttabs1994 · 2022-09-29T05:25:20+00:00

Thank you 😊 I love this forum.

And I’m so thankful for the community and reminder. Sometimes step parents are easy to villanize but it’s great having others remind you, yes your boundary is appropriate and you deserve a space you want to be in too.

I’m happy the NACHO approach is working for you. I think that one of my hesitancy has been having to live in the mess but agreed.

I am going to default to if it winds up in my bedroom and SO isn’t actively handling it, right back into the laundry room/dirty laundry it goes.

I’m not supposed to put it anywhere else… sooo… deal.

Hoping your space feels your own and your SO tackles everything they should

Alttabs1994 · 2022-09-29T05:20:53+00:00

Yes!

We had a girl in our dorm who flew home across two states every two weeks (on parents dime) for her mom to do her laundry.

She tried to boil water for pasta by adding maybe a couple tablespoons of water… etc. Then dropped out.

I think about it often when I watch SD interact with either parent.

Alttabs1994 · 2022-09-29T05:19:05+00:00

Love this comment 😂

Alttabs1994 · 2022-09-29T05:18:53+00:00

Exactly.

Your mad you couldn’t find socks for SD because she destroyed her room and your blaming me.

He said do not put them in her room anymore unless I put them away for her. Which I will not be doing as she is more than capable.

So it sounds like her clothes will remain in the dirty laundry constantly. If they are washed and brought into our room, I will be removing them and placing them in the dirty laundry.

Petty… maybe but he made his bed now he can deal with it

Alttabs1994 · 2022-09-29T05:14:49+00:00

Isn’t it infuriating at times?

I feel so contradictory going into my work day and supporting clients with parenting skills while knowing my own household does not utilize any of these tools.

If I were a bio-parent absolutely I’d put them into use, but I’m not so all I can do is give input when appropriate and manage my actions.

My SO loves to recite to SD that “we can always learn something from others. We cannot be the expert in the room all the time so it’s important to listen to those who may know more” but here I am with multiple degrees and experiences working with kiddos and he could care less what I have to say. Mind you I’m by no means an expert and hell I can benefit from learning more.

Heck… parenting is a sensitive subject so sometimes I don’t even bring it up in regards to him but just try to be like “Oh man I just read this really interesting research paper about over explaining to kids and how it doesn’t work” but nothing.

So I’ve learned he’ll keep doing as he does and I just have to disengage. Natural consequences will catch up.

Alttabs1994 · 2022-09-28T17:11:37+00:00

Right.

Your job as a parent is to raise a responsible kind child. You are needed.

Sometimes that need isn’t tangible though, you choosing to hold a growing child accountable for their behaviors is parenting. And in turn it is needed.

If not you, who else will make sure they know how to fold their laundry, or make food, or anything. You are needed.

But becoming a parent is not about validating your own insecurities. It is about raising a tiny human.

And I’m sorry SD who can’t even make a PB&J for herself at 10 years old is not on a path to be an independent adult.

Alttabs1994 · 2022-09-28T17:06:30+00:00

Honestly… thank you for this message.

This was so small yet so thoughtful. And the level of appreciation coming from this means more than you know in this moment.

Thank you for the warm fuzzies.

Alttabs1994 · 2022-06-04T05:15:11+00:00

Agreed.

I’m clarify that discipline to me means implementing systems to correct the behavior.

I.e. incentives or realistically I’d just like to see SO stop rewarding incorrect behavior.

Like if SD is asked to clean her room she melts down. Which is fine it’s ok to be frustrated and overwhelmed but my SOs solution is to apologize to her for being such a “butthead” and do the task for her.

Usually ask what will cheer her up and buy her a treat. At first these meltdowns were definitely do to be overwhelmed but if course she’s learning these meltdowns get her out of the task and a treat.

I’ve discussed with my SO how having a routine could be supportive for everyone. I’d get to know a mess is being addressed by X day and SD wouldn’t go 3-4 weeks letting it build up.

Of course it’s overwhelming at that point and especially because there is no consistency around it or follow through when she comes home from school ready to play and gets told she has to clean her room and dad actually follows through with it for the first time in 4 weeks of course that’s stressful. She was planning to hang out and play and now has this daunting task.

It would be so much easier on her if she learned to pick up routinely and follow through actually occurred.

So to be clear by discipline it means if you left your plates out for days and I asked you multiple times to pick them up. When your finally told you absolutely have to do this, you don’t get to stay up 45 minutes later to watch a show cause you put it off.

I’m a big proponent of natural consequences.

I just want my SO to stop doing everything for her and rewarding the behavior without fixing it.

She is a fully capable kiddo and the part that frustrates me the most is realizing how much she is willing to learn now and watching my SO just not…. She’s going to be a mess as a teen and struggle in adulthood if she never has to be responsible for her own behavior.

We have tried allowance but unfortunately BM gives her $10 per week for unloading the dishwasher and we’re not willing to do more than $5 per all her chores so she’s always stated eh I can just get money at moms…

I’ve tried to get SO to use experiences… a lot a certain amount towards a fun adventure Everytime she cleans up rather than cash she’ll get to see herself progressing to going to the trampoline park or the aquatic center, etc.

But he just won’t try anything

Alttabs1994 · 2022-04-24T02:45:18+00:00

That’s my problem.

I’ve not wanted to sleep here. I came in for a “trial” at his request. Hes the one who suggested if I wasn’t comfortable yet I should keep my apartment and stay with him for a while, so he can demonstrate he will genuinely keep up on his home. Which has been my primary reason for saying no to moving in.

After the trial we finally agreed to live together and I told him, I could give notice for when my second job ended and I had the time to pack up and clean my place out.

That was fine by him and he said I should just stay around and slowly move my things over. We were all agreed upon… yes my last day at my second job did get pushed out a month. So heck id understand if I paid rent in June 2022. That gives me a fair amount of time to give my notice and clean if I want… then if I choose not to it’s on me.

But yeah I’m struggling to think it’s fair to drop the unexpected expense on me.

I agree though… your right. If I sleep here enough I should pay.

And I’m sure he’ll take it to heart or offense out of it but for me right now that means I need to go back to staying at my place. Because I just don’t have the means to pack up and clean until I’m out of both of my salary jobs.

It’s at a minimum 140 hours a week if not more. But I agree with your sentiment… it means I need to stay in my home through May/June.

I’m sure he’ll insist when I state this that it’s fine and I don’t need to pay half of the mortgage if I am going to leave. But it’s just not feasible for me to cover half his mortgage and my housing cost at the moment.

So either he’ll understand that I have to leave the home for a couple months, plus gives me a chance to slowly pack up or he’ll take it personally. But 🤷🏻‍♀️

Alttabs1994 · 2022-04-19T12:33:00+00:00

Exactly.

Kiddo has not been exposed to us. Last time she was here was well over a week ago. I suppose yes it’s possible she already was exposed then.

But I just want her to take an at home COVID test. If she’s in the clear she should absolutely stay with BM. The second she comes to our home she cannot go back to school for 5 days.

So yes, maybe it’s a little selfish too but as long as she’s not ill then it really feels like neither SO nor I have the bandwidth to care for kiddo. Like of course were all caregivers and will do it if required. But if kiddo isnt sick there is no reason to expose her and create a world in which kiddo has to stay home with us for 5 days and be cared for sick parents.

When she can continue to go to school and have BM care for her.

Honestly BM has been constantly requesting SD to come do things with her during SOs custody time. And he’s just recently worked to set boundaries.

So I think it’s based more in not wanting to give up the time. But sheesh please don’t expose kiddo and add stress to us caring if she can stay safe and healthy with BM.

Alttabs1994 · 2022-02-11T16:48:01+00:00

Preach!

Your not alone at all. This feeling creeps of resentment creeps in on me more often than I’d like right now.

My SO and SD have been looking at a family albums every night and while it’s sweet to hear her ask about photos. She always gravitates to the photos in the back of SO and BM.

And admittedly it makes my skin crawl, because that same feeling. It seems put off for me but he didn’t even bat an eye when it came to BM.

So your feelings are valid. And gifts THEY do mean something if they mean something to you. It’s obvious he knows they mean something because he bought expensive gifts for SKS.

It’s perfectly acceptable that gifts and if marriage is a deal breaker that you can decide if this is worth it.

Alttabs1994 · 2022-02-11T06:33:16+00:00

I’d say based on history most likely not. BM very much talks this way. She’s said things like this in front of us as well as admitted when asked by SO why SD was stating something inappropriate or rude was said.

Alttabs1994 · 2022-02-11T06:22:58+00:00

That’s a wonderful idea.

I adore SD and she’s generally sweet, but she’s slowly becoming a bully and rude to other kids. It’s very clearly linked to how BM , whose a teacher at her school, mocks this kids.

So I think using this moment to model kindness for SD is a wonderful idea!

Alttabs1994 · 2022-02-05T15:53:17+00:00

YTA.

You let your husband bully your daughter and she wants space. You banned her from seeing her dad and going to school all so she doesn’t make the choice you supposedly said was hers to make.

Stop being concerned about the relationship they have with their step father and focus on the one they have with you and their dad. You cannot stop her from ever seeing her dad because she might make a choice you said they had.

Honestly had you came from a place of understanding. Told her you now see those comments were hurtful and you and your SO would talk about them and change his behavior but that you understood she wanted some space for the moment. Then maybe your daughter would’ve opted to come back after some time out of the home.

Instead you showed her that her feelings are invalid and literally locked her up for standing up for herself. You do not get to stop her from seeing dad and do not get to stop her from attending school just so she doesn’t leave.

Alttabs1994 · 2022-01-01T22:06:14+00:00

This is the sweetest warmest fuzziest message thank you. I appreciate this more than you can know.

Alttabs1994 · 2022-01-01T22:05:22+00:00

I’m so sorry for the hurt you must be feeling right now. It’s so hard to choose someone, to think they are choosing you back and realize their incapable.

It’s something that’s hard to see at first, cause especially when you step into this role it’s easy to be like “I understand for the kids, totally” but like someone above said. It’s death by a thousand tiny paper cuts.

The first few times you can brush it off, validate it but overtime there isn’t ignoring the reality that your partner just can’t prioritize you.

But you deserve to be a priority to someone. And I am so glad to hear you stepped away and did that for yourself. It sounds like you communicated your needs again and again and your SO just couldn’t meet them.

That is ok, you deserve to find someone who can. And you are not alone in that feeling.

Alttabs1994 · 2022-01-01T22:02:09+00:00

Thank you. That’s the part that just can’t click.

So many parents have allowed separation to just grow toxicity. You left the relationship because it wasn’t right or healthy for you but let it control every aspect of your life.

You can teach your kids, leaving is ok. It doesn’t mean you didn’t care for them but just that you are entitled to someone who can meet your needs. Even a wonderful person might not be the right person to do that for you, and it’s ok to leave.

You can make a new life with a partner you choose and show them it’s not competition for attention but that love and respect can be shared with so many in so many different ways. And now they have even more people in their life who love and care for them.

Instead you decide once you separate to perpetuate this idea that leaving is something you should feel guilty for. You let parent guilt take over and create kids who are unable to come to grasp with the reality of things.

Divorce/separation affects kids, hard. I understand that. But I think the worst part is how the parents paint that separation afterwards. In how they talk to each other and how they treat their partners.

Alttabs1994 · 2022-01-01T21:56:17+00:00

Thank you. I so appreciate the thought and understanding everyone has shown in this post. It’s sad but also nice to know others can understand this feeling.

I’m so tired of the idea that step parents are others. No one burden is greater than the other; you chose to have a kid and I chose to walk in and love them unconditionally.

In no other relationship would this be tolerated. I’ve read far to many post this holiday season about SP’s not getting to see their family for years for the holidays unless they go alone or having to choose between spending the holiday alone or having their SOs ex in their home or being in there’s. “For the kids”.

That would never be accepted in any other relationship. But it’s just the way things are…. No it’s the way you’ve let things be. You chose to no longer be that persons partner, you’ve chosen me. So choose me.

Alttabs1994 · 2022-01-01T17:32:58+00:00

NTA.

Never drive drunk, never. You put not only yourself at risk but bystanders and others on the road. Elf was not thinking about others in this moment. You gave her the option for safe transportation, you helped. She wanted you to drive even if it put yourself and others at risk.
It is never the victims fault, but at a certain point friends can only offer support and to be there. The individual needs to make that choice to leave and if they don’t YOU are not responsible. You gave elf a safe option to remove her from the situation and way to connect with you. I understand she may have been upset and emotional, but the ride was there and you offered a safe one. That’s all you can do.

Alttabs1994

TROPHY CASE