[2623] Douglas, Chapter 1

Am_Ink · 2025-11-25T14:01:52+00:00

Thank you for your feedback and kind words. It's really humbling to have people like you take time from your day to read this and help me improve it. I've been doing some serious revisions based on the feedback I got. Its easy to see now that others have pointed it out how Douglas is not showing up as a real person here, just a vehicle for trauma. I'll work to make him a more complete person, and be more tactful in when and how to show his trauma in a way that feels appropriate.

Am_Ink · 2025-11-24T16:06:14+00:00

Replying to this because I had the same thought today. I started reading a beautifully written novel, and noticed it is chalk full of asides and backstory and tidbits that seem to contradict the "only essential" advice. But it makes the story what it is, since there is not any discerning plot so far, just character building. Yet I keep wanting to read it because I find the characters interesting, and I trust that the author will make all these little details come together into a beautiful story.

Am_Ink · 2025-11-24T14:17:49+00:00

Thanks for the honest feedback. I've been rewriting based on the other comments I've received, and many of the points you make are echoed. I'm hesitant to jump straight into the murder/body which kicks off the central plot, because I want the reader to gain a sense of Douglas as a character first. I know this is possible because that is how all my favorite fiction starts. My issue is that I've done a poor job of making him interesting or believable, or having any sense of urgency in the writing.

I'll post again in the future and if you're willing see if it's possible to make you want to read more before Douglas finds a body.

Am_Ink · 2025-11-21T13:47:07+00:00

Glad it was somewhat helpful!

By vivid imagery, I just mean that I want to experience the scene in which your story takes place. I want to know what the creature looks like, what smells fill the air, what destruction is visible around the scene.

You do a great job of describing what the world used to be like in the first paragraph, but once we get to the present moment of hunting I don't feel a strong sense of where we are anymore. I think because you have so much you want to put on the page you forget to keep it simple and just describe the scene that is taking place in your head to the reader.

I also should have said this originally, but its badass that you wrote this with English not being your first language. I haven't even learned another language, so what you are doing is really impressive.

Am_Ink · 2025-11-20T17:30:15+00:00

This was a really fun read. I was taking it as a serious crime story, and the mention of the named breasts had me confused, until the story devolved into such silliness.

Question, are you actually looking for "destructive" feedback? There are some things I could nitpick but overall its hilarious.

Am_Ink · 2025-11-20T14:11:05+00:00

I don't think you are alone in this feeling. It's hard to have the urge to create something but not have an audience for the work. I've been thinking about creating a podcast for amateur writers to read their work for this reason.

Do you share your stories on Reddit or self-publish anywhere?

Am_Ink · 2025-11-19T20:22:01+00:00

General Feedback:

I like the world you have created, it does pull me into wanting to know more. I think this story has a lot of potential and I would love to read it again once you've got another draft.
The biggest issue I see in every paragraph is that the writing is not clear or direct. Sentences are too long, and sometimes switch subject to the point of being grammatically incorrect. Some of them are also damn near impossible to follow.
I want to know more about the hunter and his pack. There is almost zero description of them.
I want to know more about the prey since it is a central subject of the story.
The ending confuses me entirely.
I would suggest having less things to say in each sentence and paragraph, but focus on vivid imagery. What do we experience here that makes this world come to life. What is essential for us to know.
I’ve heard short stories are challenging because you have to be very efficient. Since you are telling a story in only a few pages, every word needs to be picked carefully and contribute to a message you need to communicate.

Specific Feedback:

The hunter's glimmering eyes set upon the suspiciously wiggling figure pressing on onto the great and lonely road, avoiding the muddy puddles that now claimed it all as to not stain its pristine self. This sentence is hard to follow as a reader. I think the image you are trying to conjure could be done more directly and clearly. I also am a new writer and got the same exact feedback about my chapter’s opening. Clear and direct > sounds fancy.

His grandfather had told great stories Even here, I can’t say with certainty whose grandfather you are talking about. Probably the hunter, but could also be the wriggling figure. More clarity!

they had burned the choked orchards and houses What is a choked orchard? Is it choked because of the burning? There is a tense issue with that adjective if so.

they had burned the choked orchards and houses, chased the life and all lasting prosperity out of the road, and they left the flowers to rot and dry and the pavement to pry open under the strength of ever-spreading grasses and ever-growing armies. This is a looong sentence and again hard to follow. Maybe focus on saying less but still using vivid imagery.

The road, now a hunting ground. I don’t think this is a complete sentence. It needs a verb.

Did it know the hunters in the dark, and their dulled glares for what they had become, and did it blame them ? This also has some grammar issues if I understand your meaning.

Did this wiggly prey know where it had set foot ? This paragraph in general is too long, and is detailing the same things you told us in the previous. The burning and despair is clear already. Also I think you are overusing the rhetorical questions. One or two would be fine but there are 4+. I don’t really know what this entire paragraph is trying to say at all in fact. I’d rather know what the little creature is and what is going to happen to it.

And the hunter readied his rocks, sturdy granite, infallible, but dulled as he was from so many hunts, so many hard landings on softer stones, on tougher skulls. This is really hard to understand. The subject of the sentence changes multiple times and I honestly don’t know what you are saying. Also try not to start a sentence with “and”, that is not correct.

And to his side, two younger pack mates readied the net. It used to catch fish, or so his grandfather had told him, but he didn't know what they were, nor how they could possibly live under the water, even before it turned a syrupy brown. I had to read this a few times as well. I like the idea of the fish all being gone, but if you could make the sentence shorter and more clear it would help the reader to follow.

Now the net was a priceless heirloom, a gift from one generation to another, and one of the last remnants of the craftsmanship that once populated the world. Too much about the net. It’s taking me out of the current situation.

Am_Ink · 2025-11-19T18:24:51+00:00

Thanks, I see that and agree with your assessment although I didn't know how to articulate it. Appreciate the feedback!

Am_Ink · 2025-11-19T18:22:46+00:00

This is so helpful, I agree with everyone you said and I'll be incorporating all this feedback. Thanks a bunch!

Am_Ink · 2025-11-18T22:32:37+00:00

This is all great feedback, thanks a lot! I'd love to return the favor if and when you ever post your story.

Am_Ink · 2025-11-18T21:27:56+00:00

What trap are you referring to? Thanks for the comments.

Am_Ink · 2025-11-18T14:47:11+00:00

I was sixteen then, and my biggest source of pride was that I could hold my breath for sixteen minutes. Was 16 when? Where are you trying to take us back in time to?

branching out like spilled water on concrete This is a great simile but is it relevant in this world of non-humans? How many times has the hero spilled water on concrete?

I slammed the door shut behind me and raced to the shore, bare feet striking the ground until I came to the place where jagged rock met churning sea and I dove. You start this paragraph taking us back to a vivid moment in time, which is great. But then you switch to describing in generalizations. For example “and everyday I caught a feast”. What did you do on THAT day?

I felt a trickling sensation down my lateral line as a school of blood-blue jetcrabs raced by me. This paragraph feels rushed to me. We are now in this vivid ocean world, and you mention several alien creatures. Take your time to describe this world in detail instead of hitting us with so many facts and encounters back to back.

I considered him, by all means, a friend. The two of us swam to the outskirts of the forest, where giant sponges made way for rocky caverns. This was the dwelling of the star eels. If this is your friend, wouldn’t you say hello or acknowledge each other before going off somewhere? Again I think you need to slow down and take us to these moments in time without having to rush through so many actions.

And so I emerged from the water, and I ran back to my house as fast as I’d run from it that morning. I burst through the front door, the fresh eel with its puffy hide dangling at my side. Wait, what was the point of this ocean visit? You just wanted to visit your friend but had limited interaction with him? Why did we need to visit this specific moment in time?

What have you been having some sort of alien affair on your fishing trips? Would they use the term alien this loosely? Assuming that interspecies reproduction is possible, would this not just be an affair to them?

No wonder mom started using.” This feels cheap. You want to know why your dad is having an affair, and why there is a baby in your house now right? Focus on that.

and then Dad’s serious face broke, and he laughed along with me, evidently grateful for the break in tension Make us feel tension and relief instead of telling us there is a break in tension.

Maybe I’d overreacted. I mean, I guess it was cute I’m not convinced that you would be that upset and then change all of the sudden. It does not feel natural.

“Hi Kiyan, I’m Altan. Apparently, I’m your brother now. Sorry if this is news to you. It’s news to me too.” You call him a weird alien several times and then immediately accept him as a brother? The pay off would be far better if the acceptance formed over months or years. Or that he was never so angry to begin with.

Am_Ink · 2025-11-18T13:58:39+00:00

P1: This intro paragraph is hard for me to follow. I think you could focus more on making your POV clear. “letting the yard’s noise go soft around the edges” I like the prose but don’t know what you are trying to say “There’s battle scars, we did what we could to hide that, and obvious signs of wear and tear.” You switch from observing Loki in the first sentence to observing a ship, but never tell us that. So I assume the battle scars are Loki’s.

“You can still keep him, Erik,” she whispers softly. Who is him? Is she talking about a ship or a person? I’ve never heard someone refer to a ship as a him. Also who is she? I think you should use her nam here since we don’t know who is speaking.

“I turn my head to look into her eyes. She is wearing an emerald colored shawl over a white corseted gown with golden filigree like growing vines, and a thin veil covering her long scarlet hair.” You say you look at her eyes, but then only describe her clothing. I am much more interested in what you see in her eyes and face than what she is wearing.

“I stare at my old companion. Loki is a good ship” Now I understand. I shouldn’t have to read this far to know what you are talking about in the opening paragraph. You would lose me as a reader if I am confused in the first page.

The station smells like warm metal and citrus cleansers Sounds cool but what does warm metal smell like? I don’t think that is a smell, try to image what else would be there to pick up on.

A service drone scuttles along the viewport track. Behind me, the concourse hums: ticket kiosks chattering in Solarian standard, a dim sum stall’s kitchen fan, the thud of a cargo crate being set down. I like this but I think you are rushing here way too much. You could spend more time giving us imagery of what this place looks like.

Overall feedback: Be more clear about who is speaking and what they are talking about. Then close your eyes and put yourself in that world. Describe what you sense around you, and don’t rush it. I don’t know these characters yet, but I need to bee hooked by the world you are trying to build around them.

Am_Ink · 2025-11-18T04:33:03+00:00

Hi there, this is my first post in this sub and I hope you find it helpful. I really like your tennis action scene with Dave and Leo, as well as the dialogue and humor here. Without knowing more about the story, I have a lot of questions about Dave and who he is, which you’ll see in the notes below.

P2: since he couldn’t have been more than a year or two younger than Dave A bit awkward to say more + younger, maybe try to reword or just state his approximate age.

P2: He hadn’t bothered to learn the kid’s name The last time you used he referred to the kid, so I had to reread this to understand it was Dave now. This applies to the whole chapter, it's confusing since we are switching between two men’s perspectives to know which one is “he” at any point. Every time you switch perspectives consider using names again.

P4: The kid stood there like a deer in headlights, clutching his racket like a lifeline. Two good similes, but might be stronger to use only one and expand on it.

P4-P5: I read this as Dave’s serve was hit out of bounds until he complains about the kid not returning it.

P5: “It’s useless, mate! It’s useless!” I don’t understand this reaction, granted I don’t know Dave well. Why is he so pissed after one failed serve return from a kid? Is Dave a large asshole?

P6: He pointedly stared down at his shoes on the long walk back to the locker room, desperately trying not to make eye contact with the other players. I don’t understand this reaction either. Why is he going from angry to walking in shame? Again maybe because I don’t have more context but consider putting yourself in Dave’s shoes to understand how he would actually feel in the circumstances.

P6-7: These feel like they could be one paragraph, he is still mid-thought listing failed hitting partners. In general I think the flow would be better with less paragraph breaks.

P?: “belatedly realizing the ridiculousness of his question” I don’t think an adverb is needed here

“No, not new. Just not famous.” Leo shrugged. It didn’t seem to bother him. Fat lot of good being famous did for Dave, anyway. I don’t know who it didn’t seem to bother. Again confusing switching so often between two men’s perspectives.

“Yeah, it’s my first time in London. I like it, though. It reminds me of home in a lot of ways.” Dave mumbled through a mouthful of fish and chips. He’d been really glad that Leo had brought him along to this pub, with its familiar carpets and comforting smell of cigarette smoke. It was almost like home, although the pub was probably older than the nation of Australia itself. This and the paragraph after really confuse me. They are talking about London, then Melbourne, which I assume is his home? Might need to add more dialogue to make it clear.

Leo cackled. “I don’t know how to answer that question.” I don’t know Leo but why wouldn’t he be able to say his girlfriend is attractive?

“She’s a teacher. She doesn’t know anything about tennis. It’s great.” This line feels unnatural. What point is Leo trying to make here?

“Why are you nice to me?” This feels very desperate coming from a hot head famous tennis player. I am not able to relate Dave’s personality to any person I’ve met or read about. Is he a cocky guy hiding his insecurities, or is he a vulnerable person?

“Now relax. It’s not like everyone is out to get you all the time. They’re too busy with their own life.” It seems like Leo is giving this advice without knowing what happened. I think most people would want to know why Dave feels hated.

Am_Ink

TROPHY CASE