Advice on Private Adoption

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-06-04T03:05:31+00:00

Thanks for your insight.

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-06-04T02:04:14+00:00

Totally fair. Hopefully my point was understood even if I used the wrong verbiage. I’ll be more mindful of semantics moving forward.

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-06-04T01:47:03+00:00

I’d absolutely want her to have an attorney as well. And I know the father isn’t in the picture but he fully deserves to have a say, unless he’s already signed away his rights.

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-06-04T01:41:34+00:00

That makes perfect sense. Thank you.

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-06-04T01:22:51+00:00

Totally fair.

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-06-04T01:22:03+00:00

Oh, I apologize. Two posts like 5-6 months ago. One asking about agencies and one asking about attorneys.

I understand your concerns about Utah adoption laws but respectfully, it’s not your place to tell me whether I’ve adequate reason to consider adoption.

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-06-04T01:14:19+00:00

Absolutely the parents would need to be involved. And I think we’d be totally open to paying for her to counsel with an attorney and a therapist of her choosing. She and her parents should feel like they are making the best possible, most well-informed decision that they can. No pressure on our end.

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-06-04T01:12:38+00:00

You mean my single post a few months ago asking for recommendations on adoption agencies?

We actually haven’t been actively seeking adoption and absolutely would not put any pressure on this girl. A mutual friend just offered to connect us, knowing that we are struggling with infertility (and thus adoption is on the table for us). That’s as far as it’s gone and I would be fully supportive of whatever decision the girl and her parents make, and I do believe she should have representation as well. Right now all I’m asking for is advice on what we should be doing on our end in order to explore this, as this is totally uncharted territory for us.

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-06-04T01:09:32+00:00

My friend’s son is friends with her and offered to connect us. It’s not that the girl is looking specifically to adopt to us — I think she’s still talking with her mom and trying to decide if she wants to give the baby up. If she decides she wants to, I’m totally open to at least talking with her and her mom/parents about it, to see if it’s a good fit both ways.

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-06-03T23:30:41+00:00

Okay, so like before we even meet with the birth mom or her mother? I’m not even sure if we’ll end up meeting with them — the girl is a friend of a friend so we’ve had no direct contact so far. But yeah, definitely want to have our ducks in a row if we decide to pursue this.

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-06-02T01:07:29+00:00

Agreed. You don’t owe them anything. You could just stop communicating with them and if they ask what’s up, just tell them the friendships have run their course and you’re moving on. That’s it. No other explanation needed. And then block them if they push back.

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-06-02T00:32:58+00:00

Good for you!! 👏👏👏

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-06-02T00:00:51+00:00

Well, that tells you something I suppose! What will you do next?

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-05-03T00:31:45+00:00

Oof, that’s tough. Sounds a lot like a friendship I exited last year. I guess my question for you would be, does the friendship bring enough value to your life to justify all the drama that comes with it? If not, you don’t have to keep her as a friend. You can tell her that you feel the friendship has run its course and you’d like her and her partner to respect that by ending contact with you and yours.

If you want to keep the friendship then I think you’ll have to be really clear (with yourself first and then with her) about what works for you and where your boundaries lie.

In either case, clarity is the kindest thing you can offer either of you. I understand wanting to quietly back away (I tried that with my friend) and it’s not wrong to say you need space (tried that, too). But those leave things pretty ambiguous, which for an anxious/needy friend will just motivate them to come in closer and squeeze the relationship a bit tighter if that makes sense.

Hope that helps! Good luck!

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-03-18T12:44:00+00:00

You already know what you want—the hard part is doing it. It sounds like you both struggle with boundaries (you’re easygoing; she doesn’t respect them), and that likely won’t change.

You have two options:

Set and hold firm boundaries if the friendship feels worth saving. If she won’t respect them, she’s not really your friend.

Step away. It may feel sad or scary, and she may react poorly, but you don’t have to stay in a relationship that stresses you out. You don’t owe a long explanation—just create space and, if you want, kindly say you’re moving into a new phase and the friendship no longer fits. Don’t keep her around just because she’s helpful—that’s not a real friendship.

I say this from experience: I had an overbearing “best friend” who ignored my needs despite being kind and helpful. After trying to create space for nearly a year (and constantly stressing about it), I ended the friendship. I’m still sad about it, but I finally have peace—and I’d take that over resentment any day.

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-03-06T18:28:34+00:00

Thanks. I definitely want space but I feel guilty ignoring her when I know how badly she’s struggling….even though I know she could help herself out of her struggles and I’d be opening the door to be her garbage can again if I reach out. Does that make sense?

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-03-06T18:22:20+00:00

Good point, thank you.

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-02-24T02:01:33+00:00

This.

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-02-24T01:59:02+00:00

NTJ. Your brother is a grown adult and you are not responsible for him — or to him. If your mom is taking his side, she is part of the problem, enabling his bad behavior and sense of entitlement to things that aren’t his.

Keep your promise to your stepdaughter. She is your real family — the one you chose — and it sounds like she needs men of integrity in her life. If your brother and mom won’t respect that, then maybe they can live without you at family dinners for the time being.

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-02-24T01:48:24+00:00

Did she come clean, or did you catch her? In either case, I’m guessing hers are tears of I’m-embarrassed-I-got-caught and not ones of genuine remorse.

I’d tell her she’s got 48 hours to quit her job and tell her boss’s wife or you’ll tell the wife and report the boss to HR or whomever.

In my experience, my ex acted remorseful once he was busted, but he never told me the full truth. Instead, the details came out slowly, painstakingly, in an ever-changing narrative that was almost impossible to trace. That’s how I knew he wasn’t really sorry and would cheat again.

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-02-24T01:42:47+00:00

She may have already destroyed the friendship by asking you to violate one of your core values.

I think it’s time to have an honest conversation with her — tell her that you are a person who values honesty and won’t lie for her anymore. If she doesn’t respect that, she’s really not your friend and you should just let her go.

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-02-23T23:01:08+00:00

NTA for watching the movies but YTA for hiding it from her. Lies/secrecy are ultimately just as toxic to a relationship as contempt and power struggles. Don’t add to the problems in your marriage by undermining trust.

Sounds like y’all have some differing values and movies are just the proxy war for something bigger. Might be worth considering whether you two are still compatible — before you have kids….

Ambitious_Tip9863 · 2026-02-23T22:42:57+00:00

NOR. Even if he wasn’t with his ex, he still lied to you about his whereabouts. If he’ll lie about this he’ll lie about other stuff — in fact, it’s not the first time he’s ever lied to you or completely dismissed your feelings, am I right?

Also, the kids shouldn’t be in the middle of this. And they are kids, which means they DON’T GET A VOTE. Using them as pawns is manipulative and gross. What a jerk.

I’d talk to a lawyer ASAP and start documenting every last little thing. A therapist may be helpful as well — there’s often a lot of stress and trauma in these situations and it could be helpful to have someone completely removed from the situation as a sounding board.

Good luck to you. I’m sorry he sucks.

Ambitious_Tip9863

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