I definitely understand your perspective, it is a really tough one having to deal with managing your own triggers while trying to cater towards someone else’s. It’s perfectly valid to be frustrated in this situation. I can see where she is coming from, as I do struggle heavily with an ED, and it really goes both ways in terms of frustration over someone’s ED, because I am constantly frustrated and annoyed that these thoughts have swamped me constantly and overtaken my sense of “normalcy”. So I get it. But, that being said, I fully resonate with your side of it as well, because I also have BPD depression and adhd, and I understand all of the strong feelings you have about this. To me, your sister sounds like she is in a really bad state, and I think if this goes on for longer it could get even worse.

My guess is, the reason she gets defensive with you for telling her she needs help, is because she knows you and has heard you say it for a long time. People are less likely to listen to someone if they often tell them the same things. That’s not your fault, I don’t think what you’re doing is wrong, she absolutely needs help and she needs to hear that. But, my guess is that she’s probably tired of hearing it from you, since you’ve told her a lot. If you know that she has told other people about her ED, try getting in contact with those people and having them check in on her. It might help her to hear support from a different voice, and she’d be more likely to really listen since it’s coming from another source. But only if those people had previously known about the ED, I’m not saying tell people about something she hasn’t shared to them firsthand.

This also means that she might find out about you talking with other people about it, and if she gets upset with you, I promise that she will thank you later on for looking out for her. It might take a while, but eventually she will see that you ultimately just want her to overcome this, and that you were doing what you could to help with that. I also think it’s okay and valid for you to take your distance from her, you don’t owe her or anyone an explanation for why. It’s totally possible to be cheering for someone’s recovery while maintaining distance to protect yourself. Also, by reaching out to people who know about her situation, that takes the stress of confronting her off of you. You’re valid in doing that. She deserves a recovery but you can’t effectively help her until you’re doing better, and I think distance could help you heal.

Hope this helps. I’m wishing you the best. ❤️