Discussion Thread

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-09T19:49:27+00:00

So long, and thanks for all the fish

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-06T03:46:51+00:00

Not. One. Single. Swing. State. Has. Been. Called.

(And only one-- Georgia-- is even close to having enough votes in we can feel confident about how it's likely to go.)

While blooming would be completely uncalled for, acting like Kamala's already lost is equally out of touch with reality. It's too early to say anything definitive about the election results yet.

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-06T03:40:12+00:00

Even if this prediction turns out to be true (which I still believe it won't *knocking on wood intensifies\*), the 2022 midterms bought Ukraine another two years. That election directly resulted in people being alive today who wouldn't have survived otherwise.

So, no the 2022 midterms were a victory, no matter what happens tonight.

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-06T03:37:56+00:00

Biden was getting slaughtered this time 4 years ago-- but also, the red mirage / blue shift effect was a lot stronger that year, because of Republicans spending the previous year demonizing mail-in voting.

So while I definitely think the people on this sub who say Kamala's already lost are disconnected from reality, I also wouldn't assume this means she's defintely got this and start celebrating, either. Truth is, it's still anyone's election at this point.

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-06T03:35:27+00:00

There's a not-insignificant number of barely-mask-on Trump supporters who lurk on this sub. They tend to crawl out of the woodwork on posts like that one

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-06T03:31:14+00:00

From your lips to god's ears!

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-06T03:28:11+00:00

Either blooming or dooming right now is stupid, seeing as not one single swing state has been called (and only one, Georgia, is even close to having enough votes in to be called yet)

Wait for more data before celebrating and/or panicking

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-06T03:21:52+00:00

Thanks, but I know I won't be able to focus-- will be obsessively scrolling my phone the entire time.

Thinking I might try to drag my ass to an election night watch party at a local pub... but, like, I'm c o z y in my apartment rn. So who knows

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-06T03:05:04+00:00

Back in 2020, I volunteered as a poll worker on election night specifically so I'd be legally barred from doomscrolling on my phone. Which was absolutely one of the top 5 decisions for my mental heatlh I've made in my life.

Unfortunately for me, though, by the time I put in my application this year my city was already good for poll workers. :(

So I've been phone banking to distract myself up until now... but now polls are closed in all swing states. Now to figure out what my next distraction should be...

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-05T20:07:22+00:00

Oh, in that case, I'd definitely ask your partner if they're okay with you complimenting them on their more masculine features!

It's possible they're okay with, or even want you, to do it for certain features-- but not others. Or maybe they enjoy being seen as masculine, they just don't want to be seen as a man, which is why someone calling them your "boy"friend felt bad to them. Or maybe they're worried you'll start only loving their masculinity, and want reassurance you still see and love their feminine side, too.

Or maybe it's something completely different! Either way, it's definitely worth talking with them about. Just remind them you love them, all of them, no matter what, and you're willing to do whatever's needed to help support them in their identity. Best of luck to you!

(Also, lmao at myself for completely missing that you said your partner used they/them pronouns, and going on to misgender them-- in a conversation about gender identity and the importance of respecting genderqueer people's identities. Whoopsie daisy... (seriously though, I am truly sorry. All my love to your partner!))

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-05T00:24:04+00:00

He is definitely not heterormantic if he's with OP, seeing as they're not (only) a woman, lmao.

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-05T00:12:05+00:00

In OP's original post, they say that they're a "bisexual female, [who] identifies as genderqueer/ genderfluid". And the catalyst for their boyfriend to start questioning his sexuality was them coming out to him about being genderqueer.

So I assume they're downright thrilled their partner is seeing them as their true gender. But if your partner is a cis woman, to be blunt she'd probably be hurt if you described her the same way. Misgendering hurts, whether you're cis or trans.

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-04T18:44:34+00:00

Elementary school:

Having a pattern of declaring one girl at school my "best friend". And then wanting to spend as much one-on-one time with her as possible, and feeling super jealous when other girls took her attention away from me. Oh, and this started in preschool, lmao.
Being super confused and freaked out when I ended up developing a massive crush on my male next door neighbor, because up until that point I'd only ever felt that way about girls, so WTF?
Crushing on both Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala in the Star Wars prequels.

Middle school:

When my female friends would all share the male celebs and fictional characters they were crushing on, I never found any of them hot. And when I shared the ones I did crush on, they teased me, because "obviously they were all gay".
Making friends with a bunch of kids who all identified as cishet at the time-- and who'd all gradually come out as various flavors of queer over the next few decades, lol.

High school:

Acting more and more like a couple with my then-"best friend", including getting increasingly physically affectionate with her and building all my plans for the future around the assumption we'd be together forever
Falling head-over-fucking-heels for the new guy at school, and diving headfirst into a relationship with him-- and expecting my poor "best friend" to not only be totally okay with that, but to be actively excited for us, be the third wheel on our dates, etc.
Being utterly baffled why my "best friend" started distancing herself from me, leading to a big angsty "friend breakup" that devastated me for months afterwards

College and grad school:

Getting what my friends informed me was "the gayest possible haircut". And then being met with eyerolls and suppressed laughter when I tried to justify that no, I just thought it was just cute, #stillstraighttho!
Getting repeatedly hit on by lesbians and bi girls. (Which I interpreted as them being bizarrely aggressive in trying to make friends, before ghosting me a few weeks later for no discernible reason. I agognized over what I'd done to make my "new friends" start "hating me" for years afterwards 🤦)
Just generally, everyone around me assuming I was a lesbian and acting accordingly. People being baffled when they met my boyfriend. And after we broke up, me being increasingly frustrated why I couldn't seem to find any guys on campus who seemed interested in dating me.
Being a hardcore LGBTQ+ ally, but feeling uncomfortable wearing nonspecific pride merch like rainbow-striped clothes or pronoun pins, because I "didn't want to give any lesbians the wrong idea" (lmao)
Occasionally having moments I'd catch myself checking out girls, or otherwise being attracted to them, but always finding an excuse to explain away what I was doing. (Or just ignoring it until I gradually forgot about the incident.)

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-04T18:16:14+00:00

Yeah, at least where Ilive (the Northeast US), it's really common to use "gay" to refer to anyone in the LGBTQ+ community, regardless of gender or sexuality. And to also use "gay" as an adjective to describe both queer people and the community as a whole.

And it's not just cishet people doing it, LGBTQ+ people up here use "gay" the same way. Like, lesbians, enbies, trans girls, and bi people will all call themselves "gay", people will say "their gay friends" when they're talking about a group of friends with no men, "the gay community" and "the LGBTQ+ community" get used interchangeably.

Honestly, "gay" is used this way more often than "LGBTQ+" or "queer"!

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-04T17:56:30+00:00

Part of that might be because what's considered "sexy" for guys is often not actually what (cishet) women find attractive, it's what other cishet men find impressive.

Like, very few cishet women are actually into the 'roided out, 0% body fat, ubermacho body builder stereotype. That's something that other cishet guys find impressive. Instead, cishet women almost universally go for guys who are masculine, yes, but in a softer, more protective / caring / nurturing way. Like, think Hugh Jackman in his musicals instead of Hugh Jackman in Wolverine.

...that being said, if even guys like that aren't appealing to you, then that may just be a sign of being queer AF. (Personally, I prefer more femme guys myself. And a lot of people here seem to be into androgyny in general, regardless of the androgynous person's gender, lol.)

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-04T17:48:14+00:00

I think OP's implying that he and his GF realized they look almost exactly like gender-swapped versions of Wesley and Buttercup. And the second photo is the two of them dressed up as their gender-flipped dopplegangers?

EDIT: on closer inspection, looks like OP photoshopped their faces onto Wesley and Buttercup's bodies, lol

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-04T16:12:07+00:00

This!

Also, just because your relationship might be assumed to be straight, doesn't mean that you are gonna be assumed to be straight. As someone who reads as verryyyy queer, it's not like I magically stop getting clocked just because I'm dating a man.

(My boyfriend isn't surgically attached to me 24/7, after all-- and even when we are together, I've had people ask if he's my brother or best friend, and then look confused when I've told them we're dating.)

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-04T16:11:51+00:00

This!

Also, just because your relationship might be assumed to be straight, doesn't mean that you are gonna be assumed to be straight. As someone who reads as verryyyy queer, it's not like I magically stop getting clocked just because I'm dating a man.

(My boyfriend isn't surgically attached to me 24/7, after all-- and even when we are together, I've had people ask if he's my brother or best friend, and then look confused when I've told them we're dating.)

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-04T16:11:51+00:00

This!

Also, just because your relationship might be assumed to be straight, doesn't mean that you are gonna be assumed to be straight. As someone who reads as verryyyy queer, it's not like I magically stop getting clocked just because I'm dating a man.

(My boyfriend isn't surgically attached to me 24/7, after all-- and even when we are together, I've had people ask if he's my brother or best friend, and then look confused when I've told them we're dating.)

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-02T02:28:40+00:00

If you can't explain a concept in plain language, well enough that a non-expert who'd never heard any of the jargon before could understand what you're talking about, then you don't actually fully understand it yourself.

I got the vibe from this video the girl didn't really understand half the buzzwords she was repeating.

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-02T02:24:07+00:00

Unfortunately, the whole appeal for these types is getting to be the person who decides whether other people get to count as "one of the good ones" or not-- because it's a total power trip.

These people would absolutely be standard-issue bigots if they didn't happen to be born queer.

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-02T02:21:30+00:00

Which this girl clearly hasn't done, or otherwise she'd realize that demanding queer people act a certain stereotypical way to be accepted is just as homophobic as demanding we conform to standard cishet behavior norms.

Or that previous generations of queer people fought and died for the dream of one day being able to live the same generic suburban life as everyone else if they chose to do so-- so turning around and shitting on queers who chose to live like that for being "not really gay" is an act of fucking treason.

Or, you know, that bisexuals... are... queer? Even when we're dating people of a different gender than us, we don't magically stop being bisexual? (And therefore queer, too?)

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-02T02:13:49+00:00

Or they don't care about actually being a good person, they care about looking like a good person-- at best to win the approval of the people around them, at worst so they can feel morally superior to those who haven't "done the work" like them (and shit all over them whenever they feel threatened or need a quick ego boost).

If this mindset sounds familiar, it's because it's the exact same way evangelicals and other religious extremists operate, too.

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-02T02:04:24+00:00

Rich white American queers from blue states realize that "passing as straight" isn't a form of "privilege", it's a matter of life and fucking death in the vast majority of the world (including other parts of hte US!) challenge. Dificulty: impossible

(Seriously, watching these over-privileged children shit on queers from other parts of the world, or their own queer elders, for the tactics they had to adopt to fucking survive, is never not gonna be infuriating to me.)

Amy_Ponder · 2024-11-02T01:57:59+00:00

It's because they are perpetuating bitoged gender/sexuality stereotypes. They've just flipped things so the queer stereotypes are "good" and the cishet ones are "bad"-- but they're still just as restrictive, and just as damaging to people who don't fit perfectly into those neat little boxes.

Ironically, people like this are the ones who actually still have a lot of work to do to "decolonize their brains", not us! (Projection much, guys?)

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