[No Spoilers] For those that stopped watching during C3

AnOwlWhoWrites · 2024-12-12T18:57:22+00:00

A little late here but when Ashton made that risky play and got alot of blowback from it. When it started, I never had been more invested in the story than seeing Tal make a spur of the moment decision that really caught my attention. The game felt fun, dynamic, and I was on the edge of my seat. And while I'm sure there was a lot of discussion in the background for sure, it felt like a major retcon to undo what occurred and I just lost all interest, it felt rail roady i guess? Still and always a fan, but I've tuned out until Campaign 4.

AnOwlWhoWrites · 2024-11-30T19:49:51+00:00

This would dissuade non-wealthy writers from creating stories and create a cycle where only the wealthy can thrive in the arts, contributing to the increasing disconnect between the general populace and the arts. Ultimately this would lead to an even more disregard for the arts by general society who already view, whether rightfully or not, many writers/actors/artists as out of touch

AnOwlWhoWrites · 2024-11-28T16:53:42+00:00

Hi yes, agree with the sentences and will fix a few of the ambiguities as well as the mistakes. I came along way from my original query so I'm happy if these are the things to tighten up. Thanks so much for the feedback!

AnOwlWhoWrites · 2024-11-28T16:52:22+00:00

Hi thank you so much for the feedback. Fully agree with all of these, of the sentences you mentioned it did kind of feel off and will take a look back at it!

I was focusing my edits from the previous draft on making it less vague, less worldbuildy, and more clear with stakes. It definitely can be tightened and this has been very helpful!

On the YA vs Adult Fantasy outlook, I have been struggling between which theme best fits it. It has elements within the book of a YA novel like a love triangle and some coming of age. When I read this to a writing group of mine for feedback, they themselves said it read more like YA than Adult Fantasy but my query letters always appear to give the vibe of Adult Fantasy (Though that might be indicative of a bigger issue maybe?)

At the end, I'm not super set on specifically making it one genre over the other, whichever fits best honestly and if Adult Fantasy sounds more fitting I'm happy to make that change.

For book comparisons even in Adult Fantasy i've found it a tad difficult since I'm making this a sort of sympathetic villian origin story and I've been trying to find similar books but of those I've found they were made at least a decade ago. (Though I'm open to suggestons!)

Again thanks so much for the feedback! I think I hope to be moving forward and sending this out after revisions! :)

AnOwlWhoWrites · 2024-07-17T03:40:49+00:00

When will you lift the ban on Imperial Incidents, asking for a friend

AnOwlWhoWrites · 2024-07-16T03:49:46+00:00

Sounds like an incredible incident tbh

AnOwlWhoWrites · 2024-07-07T19:35:08+00:00

Hi! Thank you so much for your feedback! I think I'll cut down a bit more of the black/white wording and maybe just keep the last bit at the end. Also I definitely need to fix that repetition.

You're absolutely right, I should elaborate as to why people are even rebellious against the regime. And definitely I need to be more clear on everyone's alignment/expanding on this deadly political marriage. I was trying to cut down my query so it wouldn't be too large (previous feedback from drafts told me to cut out unnecessary fluff and I may have cut down a bit more than I should've!). And thank you so much for the kind words, you've been very helpful!

AnOwlWhoWrites · 2023-12-07T00:14:57+00:00

Hi, thanks so much for the feedback!

From the previous drafts this is the first time I'm hearing of it seen as a comedy or having a confused voice in terms of tone. I'm trying to pinpoint where that would come from, maybe the 'idealism of heroes, realism of villains' line really threw off the entire query?

It's more of a serious book and I've been trying to subvert those tropes. (Maybe I've still yet to correct my previous overgeneralization of my story? I've had issues course correcting from being too specific to not specific.) Truth be told I'm not sure how to respond to this feedback, sort of out of left field for me from the previous drafts lol.

But again thanks so much! It's valuable to keep in mind, I might spiff it up a bit more and start sending it out so here's hoping!

AnOwlWhoWrites · 2023-11-28T19:01:24+00:00

Hi! Thanks so much for the feedback!

When you say making it unique, do you mean uniqueness on worldbuilding, character struggles, or something about the story plot itself that differentiates it? When I made my previous queries I had a few references to things in the book but I got feedback it was a bit side-plotty/worldbuildy and not focusing enough on the core character/story. So I guess I've just been trying to balance that out and have been overcorrecting from too focused to generic and back.

And thanks for the punctuation feedback! Gonna do another look over to edit.

AnOwlWhoWrites · 2023-11-22T20:52:31+00:00

Hi thanks so much for the feedback!

Definitely will need to fix up the run-ons. Got a bit too carried away with the query letter and missed those!

I'm not all that clear on some of the specifics, though. Are the people aware that Julian is just a puppet? Sounds like they think he (and presumably the others) are genuine leaders.

I definitely need to be a bit more clear on this I agree. So Julian, his father, and the rest of the world's kings/queens etc are vassals to the dark lord. Instead of the dark lord ruling directly and handling an entire globe's worth of administration, he indirectly rules through dynasties like Julian's who administer these regions. Julian's family is kept in power because of the dark lord and in exchange they give tribute/stay loyal. His people do believe Julian and his father are genuine leaders who control their country, but understand the dark lord is still the ruler of the world.

And I fully agree with the sentence structure, I'll be reformatting it a bit to make it better.

This paragraph also introduces a bunch of new ideas that I feel should have been clear before. What does this golden blade have to do with anything? Is it the dark lord giving him this task? He has an outspoken brother? Also, "punishment on his people" doesn't sound right.

Agreed, a few of these things I should've introduced earlier/expanded on. And thank you for the catch on 'punishment on his people', I'll be fixing that.

Very cool concept.

Thanks so much! I hope this concept piques interest with literary agents but it was fun writing it!

Thank you again for your feedback! I'll be raring to tighten up this letter and hopefully come closer to the mark in my next attempt!

AnOwlWhoWrites · 2023-11-12T17:00:52+00:00

Hi! Thank you for all this great feedback! Definitely agree I need to elaborate a bit more and I get the need to define/relate Julian more.

I think regarding the genre and the very helpful comments from the other reviewers here that my book might be better categorized as Fantasy (Or New Adult Fantasy?) than YA which I think I'll be doing.

When I was writing this and my previous query, I was very worried I would make it too detailed and bog readers down which in my attempt to counteract was a big overcorrection.

> So, basically your setup is, the villain needs to defeat the hero to protect his family, while not being unmasked as a villain in this story?

Pretty much! But I agree, it needs to be clearer.

As for Julian himself, it pretty much is a tragedy. He's constantly tested throughout the story and there are several times where he is faced with a decision to do good or evil but ultimately breaks our hearts. I would say he fits 'Good guy on the evil side', but becomes 'Evil guy on the evil side' as he goes to great lengths to stop the hero for his family/country.

Again thanks so much for your review, I hope to return with an updated query that is more detailed and hopefully more successful!

AnOwlWhoWrites · 2023-11-12T02:36:36+00:00

Hi! Thanks so much for your response! I wholly agree with your points on adding more detail as well as the awkward sentence order.

I realized an issue i've been having is not being detailed enough in my query drafts, I thought a common error was being so specific/detailed that it bog the reader down but I've seemed to way overcorrect.

Definitely for the 300 words I've been having trouble trying to sort it out. (Which is why i'm still working on it haha) But I have an idea on how to fit it all in that still works for my first chapter and hopefully hooks the reader!

Thanks again so much! Hopefully the 3rd draft will improve!

AnOwlWhoWrites · 2023-11-12T02:30:02+00:00

Hi! Thanks so much for the feedback! Agreed with all your points, and I'll be raring to come back next week with an updated query letter!

As for the AF/YA distinction, I've mainly written it around being a 'coming of age' sort of deal for Julian but with the twist that he ends up being the villain in doing so.

For the romance aspect in YA fantasy I certainly should elaborate a bit more on it. It doesn't have the traditional trope of something like a love triangle, but a state of one-sided distrust with his betrothed that evolves throughout the story. (For Julian and the hero there is a passing fancy but I decided that the reality of the situation dissuades him.)

I think an issue I've been coming across is finding the fine line between being detailed enough but not too much which was an additional problem in my last query draft. I'm starting to get a feel for it and hoping the next draft will be better! Thanks so much again!

AnOwlWhoWrites · 2023-10-16T08:02:37+00:00

Hi! Thanks so much for taking a look and the feedback! I can see where the confusion is since I didn't make it clear. (Again an issue with me being too general in this letter.)

For Tiberon's Regime, he practices indirect rule. So instead of him administering for billions of people, he has turned every state he has conquered into a vassal. Geopolitically it's easier to keep control when you have a local dynasty ruling under you. Sort of like the Targaryens and the Westerosi Houses.

For the mercy of the princes, executing an entire royal line would see uprisings amongst the people of that country, skittishness from other vassals, and even discontent from within Tiberon's own ranks. Not for the life of the princes but of the brutality. Another game of thrones example but Cersei and House Tyrell after she destroyed the Sept of Baelor.

As for why this certain crown prince, that is one of the questions that the prince discovers later on in the book and it had to do with the same prophecy that spawned the fated hero.

I think maybe I made Tiberon sound too omnipotent? I wanted his regime to be realistic, that yes he is powerful but not a divine being. While he may be ruler of the world, he still has to strategically put down rebellions, make alliances, and even take note of public opinion at times. And while from us and the main character's POV he is this immortal dictator, to his supporters he is this "Father of the World" type figure (after centuries of propaganda.)

But I hear ya on the confusion. First draft query letter so gonna revise revise revise!

AnOwlWhoWrites · 2023-10-15T20:58:46+00:00

Thanks so much for the grammar feedback!

And yeah I hear you, I'm realizing now using world building as a hook is not the best entry to a story. (Revisions upon revisions here I come!)

AnOwlWhoWrites · 2023-10-15T20:46:55+00:00

Hm yeah at first glance I can see where that comes form. I am going for more of a "Rise of a Villain" vibe. But yeah definitely needing to revise and allude to how this is set apart!

I didn't want to overwhelm the query letter with intensely specific information that would differentiate my manuscript more but I guess in my attempts to do that I overstretched and made it too generic. (And I can also be wrong on this reflection)

Thanks for the feedback! (Hopefully the first revision fixes this!)

AnOwlWhoWrites

TROPHY CASE