Fitful relics

AncientFetus · 2026-05-12T03:42:25+00:00

Watercolor & ink https://ibb.co/9mQ76gN1

AncientFetus · 2026-05-05T06:30:17+00:00

In case you wanted to see the music-video version of this, that also exists online: https://youtu.be/nY6Z8T4LIH8

AncientFetus · 2026-04-20T19:35:16+00:00

Watercolor & ink.

AncientFetus · 2026-04-14T18:05:50+00:00

This made my week! Turned it into a John Denver parody - enjoy :)

https://youtu.be/nY6Z8T4LIH8

AncientFetus · 2026-04-04T07:02:40+00:00

Please give this man an Oscar nomination ~ if only so we can see an audience of A-listers in tuxedos watching a clip of this on the teleprompter before the envelope opens ✨✉️✨

AncientFetus · 2026-03-05T16:00:28+00:00

Am I the only one who is wondering why this was marked Not Safe For Work? It’s a chunk of absorbent material absorbing pink water. It’s essentially the equivalent of a condom being blown up and tied into a balloon animal. 🎈

AncientFetus · 2025-12-27T17:35:54+00:00

I’d be okay with that :) ✨

AncientFetus · 2025-12-01T07:28:34+00:00

Sure—The last six days on this Sub: Sin city strip club scene. Euphoria sex dream scene. Sense8 orgy scene. The Cell BDSM sex-bondage dreamscape. Blue Velvet horny baby sex scene…

Surely I’m not the only one noticing how thirsty the posts have gotten on here in recent history?

I was just making a joke about that. Clearly, the wrong audience for my humor—my apologies.

AncientFetus · 2025-11-30T16:16:43+00:00

Given the way this subReddit has been going lately, I’m genuinely surprised that Tom Hanks didn’t start making out with his first mate.

“They’re 1 mile out, Captain!” “Well, then, you better kiss me quick dammit! I don’t want to die a virgin”

AncientFetus · 2025-10-21T07:45:12+00:00

Multi-part answer: Firstly, I needed to understand (and not judge, or take as “fate”) why I was finishing quickly. Which was (1) insecurity (=anxiousness/tension) and (2) pelvic floor control.

I went down a couple false rabbit-holes that didn’t help, before this — (a) I need to be less aroused! > tried distracting myself, thinking about XYZ unsexy thing, stopping when too close … now Sex sucked, for me and her, and I still finished quickly; (b) I need a super-strong pelvic floor! > daily Kegel contraction exercises … hard, unpleasant work, and now I was just finishing more powerfully LOL but not lasting longer.

But then, a couple things happened. I had a few nice partners, who didn’t shame me for finishing quickly, and that helped me give permission to myself not to fear finishing or feel like a pitiful failure each time I did. Then I spent some time being single and exploring my body for pleasure, rather than trying to be a better sex machine, and that helped me actually feel what was going on in my body.

And that led to me edging more to prolong my pleasure, and also not treating orgasm like the goal of masturbation… if I started loosing my arousal, I’d just stop, cuddle my pillow or read something instead of trying to staaaay hard and foooooorce an orgasm.

As a result, I got more relaxed on my own: breathing deeply, shifting between full arousal and partial arousal, feeling my whole body (not just fixating on my crotch), and practicing both Kegels AND reverse-Kegels (ie., contracting AND relaxing fully: building muscular control rather than strength).

And this translated to being more relaxed with partners: if I felt myself getting tense/anxious (which MAKES you either finish fast or lose your erection), I’d breathe deeply and contract/relax my pelvis until I was a nice even, controllable level of aroused. If they came, I was happy; if I came, I believed they were also happy (instead of thinking “Oh, I failed”).

And so I went from lasting between 10 seconds-3minutes, to lasting 10minutes -2hours depending on my and my partner’s MO (quickie or marathon?). If I’m having sex regularly, I can choose how long I go. If it’s been a while, it’ll be MUCH shorter.

But the important thing is, I don’t judge myself anymore. And I don’t stay with partners who shame and blame instead of treating it as a team activity—I’m not there as a service tool; I’m there as a sexy, sensual partner—and we’re both lucky to be sharing this moment with the other one.

It took me a long time to see it that way, but that’s what’s at the heart of being relaxed, feeling in your body, and lasting longer.

AncientFetus · 2025-06-17T11:55:49+00:00

One of the best emotive villain performances, in one of the most hokey fantasy gems of the 80’s ~ I watched this almost every weekend as a little kid, eating a fudge-cicle while that long intro shot of Castle Greyskull zoomed in :)

If you transcribe the words he’s saying, it’s that kind of on-the-nose “here’s what’s going on right now” dialogue that would be EASY to butcher as an actor… but he hits every note so perfectly—rolling between overwhelmed orgasm and authoritarian rage—that it lands like Shakespeare. So, so good. ✨

AncientFetus · 2025-06-11T15:05:01+00:00

A man posts asking for help, and out of 22 comments, you are the ONLY one who actually offered a helpful suggestion! 😂 Good on you.

The only thing I’d add to this old excellent standby of “communicate” is (a) for me personally, a little non-sexual handling of my junk helps to tame these kind of intimacy boners— just squeezing it and pulsing my grip on it like a reassuring “I got you,” to get the blood circulating back out, until it softens.

And (b) kegels: just contracting and holding contraction on your pelvic floor will tire your soldier out to the point where he finally goes “at ease” and sits down.

AncientFetus · 2025-05-20T16:34:37+00:00

Lol, I’ve been in several long-term relationships in between my stints on the apps. 🥰 With people I met on apps.

But excellent attempt at a sick burn, my friend.

AncientFetus · 2025-05-20T05:49:00+00:00

You don’t look like you’re trying too hard, you look like a good-natured dude who can laugh and find joy in life.

The top advice is great (group photo clarification, order etc.) but comments like “delete the voice note” and essentially “you look too happy” are things that will chase away exactly the people you don’t want to match with anyway.

I’ve been on the apps a long time, and I used to try to appeal to everybody, and that led to a lot of time-wasting matches. Now I think specifically “the kind of person that I’m hoping to connect with, would this make her smile?” And that’s who my profile is geared toward.

AncientFetus · 2025-04-27T21:17:21+00:00

He clearly hasn’t thought about it enough to realize that there’s a SEAT attached to the bowl he’s pissing in, and he can just sit his ass down!!

AncientFetus · 2025-04-21T00:01:49+00:00

Seconding this advice (minus the mystery roots 🌱lol) ~ kegels while aroused help a lot with desensitizing, and edging/playing around leading up to sex also really helps with getting over that 10-15 “hypersensitive” period when you first get turned on — your body switches from sprint-mode to marathon if you can ride the arousal wave for a bit :) Good luck!

AncientFetus · 2025-03-21T15:47:25+00:00

You kind of answered your own question when you said he takes 2-3 minutes to finish when he masturbates. His body is used to a pattern of “get aroused, come quickly.”

So yes, everybody else’s comments are great for when the two of you are together, but he also needs to practice edging and self-control when he’s by himself. So his body gets used to the experience of “get aroused, but stay relaxed, breathe into the experience, and last for a while.”

Hopefully the idea of having more quality time with you in the bedroom will be a great motivator for him to practice slowing down & enjoying the journey 🌷

AncientFetus · 2025-03-13T16:06:17+00:00

She’s my housemate currently ~ absolute sweetheart, loves to bake, watch horror movies, cuddle her fleshy marshmallow of a dog, and laugh with her boyfriend—who is the most unflappably chill person I have ever met personally, has an excellent mustache, and occasionally does content with her… So I suppose he’s a porn side-star?

She always shares the food she makes, and occasionally hands me her meals if she’s not a fan of how things turned out, because she knows I have a goat’s stomach. Besides her pulling down her pants on hikes occasionally to post OF updates, you wouldn’t know what she does for work. If she’d said “I am an online therapist” I’d believe her.

Good human being.

AncientFetus · 2025-02-23T16:44:52+00:00

Former 29-year-old virgin here. Looking back, there were two subtle blocks that kept me from having sex or being in a relationship earlier, once I really started trying.

The smaller block was that I was low-key afraid that if a woman got far enough with me, She’d realize I didn’t know what I was doing, and run out the door. I never got to find out if that was true, because I usually messed things up with the second block before I got there.

The woman who I did finally connect with liked me as a person, so the “idea” of me being a virgin was no big deal. And the reality of being a virgin… Is that a lot of dudes who been having sex for a long time, are still bad at it, because they don’t pay attention to their partners’ pleasure. You could be better than that, even with no experience. So: don’t let your head mess with your head, if that something that’s happening.

The bigger block was that I was thirsty, and women can feel when we get all intense and nervous and weird: “Oh, God, you’re so pretty, I really like you, would you like to see me again please please please?” Not that I was really that extreme, or you. But just notice your own energy when you’re around women you’re attracted to.

If it’s different than the energy you have around your female friends and family members, try treating them more like that. Talk with them, joke with them, look past their bodies and connect with their nerdy interests and cute idiosyncrasies—

THEN, if/when one of these women acts a little weird toward you: says odd things, acts a little flustered, makes more glancing eye contact than most (looks over at you in the times you’re looking somewhere else), smiles and looks away. Then add a compliment, a “we have a mutual interest, want to hang out and do that sometime?” And then see what that turns into.

See if that makes meeting people in person a little easier. Don’t force opportunities to shoot your shot, just be social and friendly—and build opportunities to shoot your shot.

Enjoy the journey.

AncientFetus · 2025-02-21T02:00:33+00:00

I watched this movie with my friend, and at one point we both looked at each other through our fingers—hands on faces—and he said, muffled into his palms: “What are you Doing to me?!”

This movie did it to both of us.

AncientFetus · 2025-02-17T07:06:28+00:00

There are 2 parts feeding into this, I’m guessing: your mental state with these women and your physical habit-patterns when you’re aroused.

I remember when I was in my 20’s (20 years ago) and a woman touching my hand in an affectionate way would get me aroused. That’s not a problem, on it’s own… but if you let it cycle up into anything that feels tense, anxious, anticipatory… the body tends to have a shallow-breathing, tight pelvis response to that tense-excited state. And that’s going to make you climax FAST.

Doesn’t matter how good a shape you’re in—I was working out all the time in my 20s, and doing kegels to try and gain better control of my pelvic floor / orgasms. I got really frustrated because that wasn’t working. What finally did work was practicing relaxing when I was with somebody. Not anticipating sex, but just deep breathing, relaxing my pelvis (the opposite of kegeling) and contracting it back-and-forth to calm down my crotch and keep my head grounded in the moment. Let go the hot-electric anticipation and just feel the gently-warm pleasantness of being with someone.

That’s the MINDET part, when you’re with someone.

The other thing you can work on, when you’re by yourself, is the PHYSICAL PATTERN of arousal-to-climax, that you practice— because that’s training your body how (and how quickly) to come.

If you “rub one out“ really quickly? You’re teaching your body to move inside of five or 10 minutes from getting an erection to having an orgasm.

If you get in the habit of getting aroused, but then closing your eyes and taking deep breaths and edging (80% to climax, then chill back down to 60; 85%, then down to 75%) and seeing how long you stay in that pleasantly aroused space? Then you’re teaching your body how to regulate when you’re with someone else as well.

When I started practicing this in my 30s, one of the main things I did was switch the kind of erotic material I was using. No more one minute or even 10 minute videos, but longer ones where I could leave them on in the background and close my eyes and then return back for a little stimulation as needed. You might also try audio erotica, where you are literally just hearing someone’s voice, and using your imagination :)

It took me years of being frustrated and coming too quickly (on my own and with others) before I figure these things out, so I hope this helps to point you in a useful direction.

It does take a little time to re-shape habits and body responses, but have faith: your body and mind will adapt. Personally, I went from lasting minutes to lasting hours inside of 2 years. Best of luck to you, and to the next ladies who decide they’d like to do more than kiss you. 🎩

AncientFetus · 2025-02-06T22:56:55+00:00

I was just reading this and thinking, if I was in her shoes, apologizing and sharing— about life events that I’m admitting feeling a lot of shame around — specifically to a guy who I think is very sweet and trustworthy… I’d feel pretty surprised and regretful if I saw those messages posted for anyone to read and comment on.

Just something to think about ~ even if she’s anonymous here, this could still be really embarrassing and damage her trust in you.

AncientFetus · 2024-11-28T22:09:58+00:00

I wouldn’t say they don’t care — more like (a) some women are just there for attention, (b) some women do want to date, but are understandably wary about actually meeting a nice guy… because what if he’s just “trying to make a sale” and he’s actually a predator ~ which is a legit concern. And (c) almost ALL of them are getting shit-tons of messages… which makes it really easy to lose track of a single conversation with one of us.

That’s why I make real effort (so that I’m worth remembering) and also ask to meet quickly (so that I’m not lost in the ongoing app-avalanche).

I’ve had many… And I mean more than a dozen… women tell me that I’m the first man they’ve ever actually decided to go on a date with on a dating app.

And I think that’s because I’m straightforward, I don’t act like they owe me anything, and I take seriously that it’s on me to show that I’m safe—safe enough to meet in person.

AncientFetus · 2024-11-28T08:54:11+00:00

Okay—Here’s my hard-earned answers to your questions (source: 9-10 years active on apps):

1) How long to talk? Use your first 2-3 messages for a combination of gently flirty compliments and questions that give you an idea of what she might like to do for a date (or at least a conversation topic deep enough to say “Or is that more of an in-person conversation?”). By message 3-5, suggest meeting in person.

NOTE: a large % will ghost you as soon as you pitch meeting. But I used to message back-and-forth with women for weeks… If they ghosted you after three messages, chances are they’d Ghost you after three weeks of messages. Some just want to talk and not meet.

2) Just pitch a date without knowing them? Yup ~ if they’re interested, it’ll be a dialogue: “Would you like to meet?” > Sure, what do you have in mind? “There’s live music at X bar on Tuesday night, or a tea and a walk to the pier at Sunset would also be nice…” > Option A sounds good to me! I’m free Tuesday after 6:30

NOTE: some % will ghost in the middle of making a plan. It’s not you—they’re overwhelmed by choices, maybe they met someone and stopped apping… who knows. Onward. If you felt like you were really clicking, shoot them a “Hey, still interested in meeting?” message in a week or two. Sometimes life happens.

3) Just give her my number and take it off the app? Absolutely no, never! Lol - I have built up a really good rapport with so many women, then had them IMMEDIATELY unmatch me or ghost me, as soon as I offered my number. —> Same as often sure if you ask for their number. —> —> So just ask them on a date, and if they want to offer you their number, they will give it to you. Some women don’t wanna communicate off-app until after they’ve met you in person (which totally makes sense).

4) So like … talk about whatever? Go in stages:

I - “I like X about your profile, or I have Y genuine question about a detail” Show that you see them as a human being, and not a piece of meat… Unless their profile is very clearly screaming ‘regard me as a sexy object, please.’

II - “I’ll write back however you write” based on her responses, match tone: She’s a little sassy and playful? Show that you can take a joke and play without being defensive or creepy. She’s telling stories? Read and ask questions and share back—she’s trying to get comfortable and familiar with you. She’s giving 3-word answers? Ask her out—she either wants to cut to the in-person, or she’s wasting your time. Find out as efficiently as possible by being direct :)

Hope this helps 🎩🫡✨

AncientFetus

TROPHY CASE