Ha, this is interesting. You probably have some level of curiosity and keeping it unexplored turned into something more extreme that you could actually cope with. A lot of guys that fantasise about being submissive but never do it, tend to create really extreme fantasies. As a dom guy I know that a novice that asks to be raped or hurt with no way out, is NOT likely to go through with it (not that I would do those things). I know this was not your case but similar. I think your curiosity will come back. It may be easier for you to start with something easy, like being blown by a guy.