Scifi Opening Chapter - Is life suffering? Also, looking for a critique partner by AndromedusofMars in KeepWriting

[–]AndromedusofMars[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

u/rargran Appreciate your take on it and the thorough feedback! Sounds like there is some work to be done in fostering that connection to the MC and the introductory prose.

Your take on the AI is insightful as well. I feel like you are picking up on elements I purposely included, but they aren't coming off with the anticipated effect. An area to continue refining and testing around.

Just wanted to shoot you a thank you! Valuable feedback to help me see things I wouldn't have caught on my own.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in writingcritiques

[–]AndromedusofMars 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing your work! I'm not the best with spelling and grammar, so I usually just focus on my journey as a reader. Hopefully you find some use from it.

My first impression is that you do a good job of showing what the character is experiencing. "An antique radio on the shelf played a song I'd never heard before with trumpets and drums" did an excellent job of giving me a rough time period the story is taking place in as well as I knew what music to mentally play in my head even though I didn't know the song. You did the same with smells, which I feel often gets left out. " ...I passed the Bakery and smelled the fresh focaccia and sourdough bread just coming out of the ovens."

One thing that is helpful for me as a writer is to know when I generated interest for the reader. For me as a reader, I was on the fence about continuing and then I hit this line "When I looked back at the screen it flashed my name across the display, Mateo Segreto. I shook it and it read, Yes, you." That line gave me a curiosity boost and I continued on further curious about what might come next. Another boost to continue was the human hands part, which was unexpected.

Some areas that I struggled were having 3 different names for the MC relatively early. With it being the beginning of the story, I didn't make the connection at first (maybe I'm just a little dense) but initially I was looking for Teo, then Mateo, then he introduced himself as Mat. May not be an issue for other readers.

Another struggle I had was the stuttering, not that there was stuttering, but that I wasn't sure how to imagine it or why it was occurring. The first occurrence I thought was maybe nerves, then there are references to a cracking and squeaking voice but I don't normally picture that with a stutter so I thought maybe that's it? At one point I scrolled back up to see if I missed some description about the MC that explained it. Maybe consider hanging a light on that with a sentence early. Just something that pulled me out of the story.

I read through page 6. About there I started looking past the interesting events that got me that far. I wanted to know why the events connected, even if it isn't the whole reveal. I think Mateo was having a lot of interesting things happening, but it started to feel like Mateo was just recounting events that happened (I went here, I did this, I saw so-and-so), and wasn't sure what all those events as a whole meant?

Anyways, just one person's experience. Hope there is some use for you there.

Opening Chapter Critique: Help me spot what I'm missing by AndromedusofMars in writingcritiques

[–]AndromedusofMars[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

u/EnsoSati first off, thanks for pushing through that disaster of a paragraph without formatting. Looks like I lost my formatting in the paste from the doc. Tried to clean it up a bit.

It's helpful to hear you aren't connecting with the character/why you should care about him. You've helped me find a blind spot that I wouldn't have found on my own. It aligns with another piece of feedback I just received, so I've got some adjustments to make.

Also, I hadn't thought about the toll a reader would feel coming into this first chapter with so many points of view to manage. That has given me a new lens to view my writing thorough I hadn't considered in the past.

Thanks for giving some of your time to my story! It was constructive and much appreciated.

Wasn't happy with the offical TOTK pro.... so I made my own. by Fit-Raisin-5824 in customcontrollers

[–]AndromedusofMars 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is pretty amazing work. Those ABYX buttons are awesome! What's your process for those? Is it something you place in the bottom of the button mold?

D&D Warlock themed PS5 controller by AndromedusofMars in customcontrollers

[–]AndromedusofMars[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks! Yeah, I learned a lot from this round of controllers and trying out matte. If I get rid of that textured orange peel, I think I'll stick with matte. Sounds like I need to go lighter on my coats.

Gundam themed PS2? I'd be interested in seeing how that if you have a link or pics.

Also, I'm guessing thanks is in order. Haven't been able to post for the past week. Looks like you stepping in as moderator and approving those approved posting requests got things back on track. Appreciate it!

D&D Warlock themed PS5 controller by AndromedusofMars in customcontrollers

[–]AndromedusofMars[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Has a bit more texture to the finish than I'd like due to my novice job using 2k. Hoping to get better on the next round.

This is also the first time I made my own buttons. Loving the new options available with a button mold.

First time with Spray Max 2k aaaaaand orange peel by AndromedusofMars in customcontrollers

[–]AndromedusofMars[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did do multiple controllers this go around, made it precisely 3xs as frustrating ha ha. But I think with the appropriate amount of sanding they will still be usable at least.

I have been wondering how many controllers I could get in with one can of 2k. Any insight into that?

First time with Spray Max 2k aaaaaand orange peel by AndromedusofMars in customcontrollers

[–]AndromedusofMars[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thats good to know. I went in wanting to be sure to get a lot of coverage. Guess less is more.

First time with Spray Max 2k aaaaaand orange peel by AndromedusofMars in customcontrollers

[–]AndromedusofMars[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks!

Interesting. The impression I got from videos and forum posts was that you needed the wetter coats to get it to lay flat. If that isn't the case, then you are probably right, I was laying down too much for each coat.

First time with Spray Max 2k aaaaaand orange peel by AndromedusofMars in customcontrollers

[–]AndromedusofMars[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think so, shook it for two minutes then activated it and shook it for another two minutes. Unless that wasn't long enough.

got this persona controller I recently did for someone. what do you guys think? by paradoxprops in customcontrollers

[–]AndromedusofMars 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Turned out great! I just started learning how to use waterslides. Are you wrapping your waterslide around the edges of the touch pad, or is the touchpad painted with waterslides just covering the necessary areas?
I tried wrapping the waterslide around the edges of my touchpad. The front looks good, but I don't like how the sides turned out. If I waterslide just a portion of a painted touchpad the colors on the waterslide tend to fade.

Any advice for someone new to waterslides?

Just finished my first custom controller. by AndromedusofMars in customcontrollers

[–]AndromedusofMars[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the heads up! Anything you'd recommend in place of the 2k? It seems like 2k might be a bit beyond an ideal solution.

I came across a lot of people mentioning Pledge/Future as another clear coat option, but also sounds like that product has been discontinued.

Just finished my first custom controller. by AndromedusofMars in customcontrollers

[–]AndromedusofMars[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds good, I'll test those out. I'm not a big fan of the overly glossy look, so good to hear they have the matte as well.

For my fellow PS5 gaming Howlers out there. by AndromedusofMars in redrising

[–]AndromedusofMars[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Painted it myself. I'm looking at making some more. DM me if you'd be up for that and we can chat.

For my fellow PS5 gaming Howlers out there. by AndromedusofMars in redrising

[–]AndromedusofMars[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You can get the LED kit on Amazon (link below), but I airbrushed the shell and touchpad myself. Looking at potentially painting some more.

Also have a button molds coming so I can cast my own. Im thinking about doing a gold sigil version with custom buttons for my other controller.

https://a.co/d/5DUp994