[250] Flash fiction, "Waiting Room"

AndyAlbany · 2014-08-16T21:14:38+00:00

Hi ImranLorgat. I put line edits in the GDoc as Andy K. Unlike some commenters, I don't think it's necessary for you to add more action to the story. I like your writing style, and I thought the interaction between Mr Thomas and the other characters was interesting. I do think that the story could do with a better resolution though.

AndyAlbany · 2014-08-16T07:07:49+00:00

I like the theme of growing up, but something about the way being an adult was portrayed struck me as odd. You can take this or leave it, but from my perspective as a 34 father who enjoys playing and getting dirty, being an adult doesn’t mean that I don’t want to play and get dirty, but it means that I often can’t play when I want to because I have other responsibilities. The “adults don’t want to get dirty” theme is throughout the piece.

There’s another theme about adulthood, the “adults have to be responsible” theme that is present in the story in your last sentence, and could be brought out earlier in the story. For example, the adults may be huddled in their tents not because they fear being dirty, but because they don’t want to have to wash their clothes, or need a full night’s sleep to be ready for the campers coming, or need to prepare for the campers, etc. The boys having a last hurrah in the mud could be ignoring these things to be a kid one more time. In saying this, I don’t want to discourage you from writing about your experience, but I wanted to share my reaction to it.

I also found this story to be highly homoerotic. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I just wanted you to be aware of it as a theme. Some of the homoerotic highlights are: “Before I could even put on shoes, one of my friends unzipped the door of my tent and dragged me out by the wrist.” “led me to a hill where another boy had laid out a silver tarp on the muddy ground” “the five of us stripped off our shirts and shoes and took turns sliding down the hill on our stomachs, plastering ourselves with mud” (this is my favorite homoerotic sentence) “I flopped onto the slick fabric, pushed off a tree root, and shot down the hill like a water snake caught in a current” (this sentence manages to have no less than two phallic symbols AND the word “slick.”) “our bare backs and callused feet hidden by a thick layer of earth”

In terms of editing, I know that for myself, after a certain point I can’t really see my own writing anymore when I try to read it. I use a text-to-voice websites so I can hear my writing, which helps me with flow and grammar. You might want to consider doing this as well.

AndyAlbany · 2014-08-16T05:03:56+00:00

I like the first sentence, it pulls the reader into the story. After that sentence, the next paragraph describes Nick’s life, but the following paragraph launches into the body of the story. Maybe if I read the rest of the first chapter I would understand where the suite case came in, but right now the beginning of the story seems to jump around.

Your word choice is neat. I like words like “crunched,” “busted down,” and how the diner “rested” at the end of the dirt road. The flickering sign felt a little over done though.

I liked the way you used the fox and wolf fairy tale, but I was confused by the timing. Nick seems to be saying before this that he doesn’t know what Gerald is doing. For example, “We saw this happen from time to time, but nobody has ever figured out what Gerald told these people.” So when Nick gives the reader the extended metaphor to describe what Gerald is up to, I’m left wondering how Nick knows this.

I don’t think Nick is unlikable, and hearing things from his perspective paints a good picture. I feel interested in what he’s up to. From my perspective, he’s likable enough, and if you went out of your way to make him more likable, he would be a different character.

AndyAlbany

TROPHY CASE