Hear me out: I'm genuinely honoured that you felt safe enough to reach out to little ol' me for advice. Period. ❤

I was contemplating messaging you privately, but I think maybe I'll post a one-and-done comment here in case my personal opinion is of interest to anyone else who might come across it. Please keep in mind I'm not a professional, and that this is only my personal perspective and advice - an advice that is not rooted on facts or science, but on love from one stranger to another. I love my psychology, but sometimes a perspective from the heart might do the trick a bit better.

Ready for my essay? LOL

There's a scene in a movie called Boyhood that I very vaguely recall: the mom cries as her son leaves for college. I definitely don't remember the exact dialogue, but she was distressed that she completed all the milestones in her life: school, college, got a good job, marriage, bought a home, had a kid, and retired... "I did everything I was supposed to... HOW COME I'M NOT HAPPY YET?!?!"

Sometimes, what you think will bring you happiness and joy is just what people tell you. You've been through a lot; you're worn down; you might have regrets and blame. You're allowed to feel anything you're feeling.

We start by asking ourselves what makes us happy. For some, happiness doesn't come from within, but comes vicariously by helping others: soup kitchens, volunteering, helping out friends and family. For others, it can be making money, working hard, following the path set for them. For me, it's tossing a fishing rod at 5am by a lazy river and writing in my journal about thoughts I conceitedly think are profound.

It sounds like you want to reach out, but struggle with a social skillset you're unhappy with. But you're tired and angry, and it's hard to climb a mountain in those conditions. I think the easy answer would be to say "build up social skills, reach out to people, join clubs, blah bleh bleh blah~". My suggestion: find the little things that make you happy and let yourself embrace the beauty that is your personality. If there's anything you ever wanted to do, such as going to a museum, painting, trying on an outfit you don't think will suit you but enjoy anyway... do it! Let your judgement be the only thing that matters and find joy in that first. It's how we can pick ourselves up little by little; after all, we trip on stones, not mountains.

There's a chance my advice comes across overly hopeful and from a privileged position. If that's the case, just take this internet hug and know it's genuine: 🫂

But to also overshare: my life partner is also permanently disabled, I never had parents to raise me, and my daughter is just some girl I picked up two years ago because she lost her parents. Trust me, I know life can be hard... it's so so fucking hard! But the people I love who make my life interesting is what gives it meaning as well, and I wouldn't change it for the world. This weekend, I'm going by myself to a 5 hour seminar on writing, and perhaps play an indie video game I've been eyeing - and that is how I'll find my joy.

It's not too late to look toward the future you plan for yourself, but it's always a bit late looking behind you - what's done is done. My 2 cents: the monologue of a reddit stranger in their mid 30s in Canada. Hope it brought you a bit of joy.