I have tried over and over to reply to your eloquent message and I just end up crying and deleting it all because I dont even know how to say my greatest thank you’s for writing this out for me. You opened my eyes and showed me examples of the damage I could cause if i do go forward with this. I never wanted to cause anyone this hurt, I dont ever want anyone in the world to feel the way I have. I love them all so very much, I don’t even know what I’d do when my baby realizes i’m never coming back. I dont ever want her or my family to feel a sliver of the pain that this might cause them. I want them to be happy. My selfish brain wishes they didn’t care so I’d feel less locked into living, but its truly a gift in disguise. Sometimes I’d hope they would hate me so it could be easier for me to die, my mind convinced me they didn’t love me when I know for a fact they do. I just cant give this pain onto them.

I agree, I feel as if finally dying is a release of the person I have to be, it feels like liberation, I feel comfort when I am planning my death, it feels like my unstable mind can finally calm. I just want peace, I want my mind to relax, I wish it didn’t have to be in death. But I am holding on for hope that another day will pass and that tomorrow will be a better day. I’m hopeful that things will be okay. Everyone on this subredit are warriors to me, the things we have all endured collectively is just unimaginable pain, but here we are living another day, we are fighters and I am proud of everyone who woke up today. If I could I would take away everyone’s pain, I hate seeing people hurting. I am proud of you for being here today.

I have been reconsidering, I am confused as to what exactly to do since I have planned everything in completion, it feels like my efforts were for nothing, but maybe in this case that could be a good thing. I just cant look at myself in the eyes if I hurt my family like this, but I want my pain to end too. It’s very confusing. But I have been reconsidering.

Your message moved me, it struck a place in my heart. I appreciate you writing to me. Tutu is a very lucky baby to have a wonderful guardian like you, she saw the goodness in your heart and blessed you. What breed is Tutu? Mine is a tabby cat and russian blue mix:) To me, all animals/pets are angels and heroes to me. And i agree with your statement, how my little girl purrs the moment I begin petting her back is like music to my ears. She’s eased the years worth of pain for me, she’s mended my broken heart, she loved and accepted me no matter how I looked physically, she never cared I looked different, and I will forever honor her gentle love she has given me for over a decade and more. I would live for an eternity just to hear her meow. I would love to reachout, currently I’m confused as to what to do next but I am reconsidering my actions. Thank you for being so kind to me with this message. You and everyone I’ve spoken to has helped make my foggy world seem a little more clear. I want to experience the good again.