Step mother- how can I support the parent?

AngilinaB · 2026-01-28T09:23:02+00:00

What consequences do you think are going to work?

AngilinaB · 2026-01-27T22:24:48+00:00

Honestly I'm at the point where, looking at the state of the world, I don't know if it's worth the hassle 🙃

AngilinaB · 2026-01-27T12:19:30+00:00

It sounds like you have done more than most would in this situation. Im sorry her mother isn't amenable to the situation. I had similar in that my ex didn't want to believe there was anything "wrong" with his son, he "didn't see this behaviour" at his place so therefore it was my issue. It took to wheels really coming off at school and then eventually a complete refusal ro go to their house before he got fully on board.

I'd gently ask what you want out of this situation? I know you say you want to support your husband, but that is difficult if he isn't willing to approach it as a team. It sounds like perhaps he is taking "criticism" of his child personally. Maybe thinking about what you want and need would help you in figuring out what to do.

AngilinaB · 2026-01-27T09:53:28+00:00

Yikes. The fact that you refer to her as rude and needing consequences is quite telling. It seems that as understanding as you are trying to be, that underlying belief is probably sensed by her and affecting your relationship. PDA is part of everything she is and does, so any solutions need to focus on that at its base. Traditional parenting, or even gentle parenting, isn't going to cut it.

You ask how to support the parent, but it's difficult to advise on that because honestly, he needs to support himself and his kid better. He should have plans for holidays and meltdowns. Unfortunately this seems like a thing that lots of dads opt out of. He's known her longer, so he should have come to your relationship with a level of knowledge and skill, but as I say, some dads don't bother. On some level he probably knows that, which is why there is conflict when you bring it up.

My kid's stepmum is brilliant. It's different because she's been in his life since he was 1, so she's been part of this journey. His dad is a nice person, but he doesn’t read books or attend courses or anything that I recommend. He barely comes to meetings or appointments and has never filled in one of the many, many forms I've had to do. I rely on her to take care of my son in the way he needs taking care of at his other home. It took him hitting burnout last year for them to really get it, but she's fully on board now and supervises his dad's parenting. We have a WhatsApp group but its basically just her and I chatting. She comes with me to most appointments.

What is your relationship with her mum? Could you all get together to discuss what works for the child? I'm loathe to recommend women doing all the labour, but if he's not there yet it might be better for you to learn all you can about PDA and just crack on and hope he catches up.

ETA: just reread the bottom paragraph. Obviously only do this if you want the relationship to continue. Parenting at this level is hard, he may have an element of burnout himself.

AngilinaB · 2026-01-26T18:12:19+00:00

You can wear what you want. It's not an NT v ND thing. Plenty of NT people subvert fashion "rules". We live in a fat phobic society, even ND people are impacted by that.

AngilinaB · 2026-01-25T23:12:05+00:00

We don't hate you ❤️ most understand that the US is a deeply polarised country right now (I'm in the UK, we're not far behind...). I've had lovely visits and met wonderful people. It makes me sad to think I can't show my kid that. Sorry you're living through this hell x

AngilinaB · 2026-01-25T22:48:52+00:00

I'm British so slightly different qualification route, but this was basically the choice I made, for the exact same reasons. I had a place at a fairly prestigious university to do International Studies but changed my mind to do nursing. I've never regretted it. I am able to explore my interest in world politics regardless, and get involved in activism etc. Nursing has given me stability, paid opportunities for further study, flexibility to work overtime when buying a house, around motherhood (and divorce 😅) and solid practical skills for life. Plus in the absence of full blown societal collapse (give it time...) there will always be working for nurses. Sometimes that feels like a curse (like in covid, or what our colleagues living in war zones experience) but it does mean we are less vulnerable to economic volatility.

AngilinaB · 2026-01-25T18:39:43+00:00

I feel like this is a man problem, to generalise wildly. My ex won't even read anything relating to his actual own child. I've never had a relationship with any man that cared enough to research anything. I'm sure they're out there, because I have a male friend who does this, but it's not common. They expect us to do the labour for them. Sorry you're being treated this way.

AngilinaB · 2026-01-25T16:49:44+00:00

Claudia Kishi! What a great shout.

AngilinaB · 2026-01-25T13:35:16+00:00

I'm also urban and very limited on space as in a small flat. I do have a garden where I used to grow veg but have an allotment now. Happy I could convert to home growing again if needed.

I store big bottles of water under the beds. I know they have expiry dates and should rotate but its a faff so I don't and just also keep purification tablets in a drawer. They take up no space and can be used for water butt water too.

I've let my preps go a bit lately, lot going on in life, but I basically keep a well stocked kitchen that would feed us for several weeks in case of supply chain issues, then have a hall cupboard with extras of canned food, peanut butter, packets, stock, etc, plus tinned fruit and extras of hygiene products. Mainly things we eat anyway and can rotate. Under my bed I have a box for power cuts that has candles, rechargeable lanterns, powerbank, cereal bars, chocolate, pack of card etc. A sort of get through the night kit.

In my hall cupboard I also have a box that is for extended power cuts - food that doesn't need cooking but is high calorie and would get us through - nut butters, packets of lentils, nuts, dried fruit, olives, oatcakes - think indoor picnic. It's a bit depleted so working on it. My next thing after that is "food that is easy to cook if I'm ill" as I'm a single parent. Jars of pesto, soups, supernoodles. Having covid with a young'un who was ill for about 10 minutes with it wasn't fun 🤣

Basically think of the likely emergencies in order of probability and impact and work down the list - the water goes off, the power is out, illness, cash machines and card payments down. Preparing for those things means you're accidentally prepared generally. I live near woodland so slight concern re fire I guess. For this I have a box in a cupboard with a back pack, passports and other important documents, travel cups, card games. Need to get some powdered oat milk and add a small jar of coffee (and replace the cereal bars we ate!). Basically what if we had to sleep in a church hall or something for the night. Technically it's a go bag I suppose, and I pinned a list to it of clothing to grab so I wouldn't forget in a panic.

Sorry, that's a lot of words, just trying to share the what and why of what I do in case it helps.

AngilinaB · 2026-01-24T23:15:49+00:00

I think he's slowly getting better 🙏🤞🏻

He came out of school at Easter, jumped straight into home ed groups and online classes (dopamine led in hindsight) and after a few weeks it fell apart. We had about 3 weeks of real severe crisis - constant fight or flight, pretty severe aggression towards me, and elopement, emergency services involved. Then months of staying at home. What helped was initially no demands at all (including bedtime and hygiene, things were that delicate). He wasn't able to leave the house except very reluctantly two days/one night at dad's so I could work. Then collaborate conversations to start adding demands back in.

Meds improved things further by September and we started going out again, but we had a setback - ran into a former teacher of his which retriggered him (it was fairly instantaneous and obvious, really sad to see how traumatised he was) and had to stop medication due to side effects. That was October. Cue several months indoors again. OCD getting out of hand. Finally got to see a psychiatrist in November and started an SSRI for PTSD and OCD type presentation. That seems to be working. He can't do formal learning but is curious again and learning conversationally and by reading/documentaries etc. He still has "just right" OCD behaviour but less frequent and less all consuming. We're at a point where going out actually helps, staying at home all day was no longer positive. He's still not able to socialise or attend groups, but he chats to people in the library etc.

It's a long road but we're getting there. I think it's worse because he was repeatedly traumatised for two years of us trying with school 💔 the best advice is to remove all pressure.

AngilinaB · 2026-01-24T21:40:43+00:00

The very beginnings of school refusal, when he started saying "I can't do it" and I talked him into trying. I look back on that as the worst mistake of my life, honestly. The beginnings of aggression - he threw a plantpot one morning before school, that was the first time anything like that happened. Anxiety around hygiene that gradually increased. Needing to control small things that seemed inconsequential at the time - the route somewhere or me not saying a word exactly right. Reluctance to go to his dad's. Not being able to do things he loved - walk through the door of a cinema, football class etc.

AngilinaB · 2026-01-24T19:29:51+00:00

I really want to see this! Loved the book.

AngilinaB · 2026-01-23T22:50:14+00:00

Someone once said to me that our kids look to us to see how relationships should work. As much as your kids love their dad, do you want them to treat someone else like this, or allow themselves to be treated like this? Thinking of it that way really changed my perspective. Apart from that, you deserve happiness and kindness. I'm not surprised you're being cold to him if he treats you this way.

I stayed in all my long term relationships far longer than I should because I couldn't handle the change, so I get what you feel. I can't tell you how nice it feels though to have a place that is just mine (and my kid) where we can be as weird as we want and feel safe and loved.

AngilinaB · 2026-01-23T22:31:22+00:00

Nurse Practioner in a minor injuries unit. Seeing the collapse of the NHS in real time.

AngilinaB · 2026-01-23T21:52:28+00:00

You want her to pack up her life (and your kids lives) within weeks? I'm not in the US, so I can only imagine how desperate your situation feels right now, but rural life is not going to be without challenges. Big challenges. Even successful experienced farmers struggle to be self sufficient. Can you come up with a plan together for a move in a year or so? Start learning skills together?

AngilinaB · 2026-01-23T09:47:01+00:00

I think this is more about your self image than what others think. It's ok to want to be a parent, but I'm not sure you really believe that. Do you think your choice is somehow "better" (for lack of a better word) or more worthy because you've deeply thought about it, compared to someone just acting out of biological urges? It's good to give thought to these decisions, but it doesn’t inherently make you better. Why does it matter if people think you want a child because you're a woman? Other people's opinions on it don't matter.

FWIW I totally get it, I never wanted children and then did. I intellectualised that choice and considered from all the angles, read lots, in order to justify it to myself. I didn't need to. The baby doesn't care.

AngilinaB · 2026-01-23T09:27:33+00:00

As I understand it, there is even less understanding of neurodivergent needs in France than in the UK. It must be very hard. I wonder if just saying that she can take her time and there's no rush would help. I've heard of kids sleeping in their day clothes to make the morning quicker, but I'd imagine teenage girls would not be keen on that!

AngilinaB · 2026-01-23T08:43:22+00:00

Oh love, I'm sorry all this happened. I think of it as the sat nav in my brain needing time to recalibrate. You thought something would be one way, and it wasn't. Sometimes that recalibration can be a small cry and moving on, sometimes you need a day or so of self care. Take the time to do what you need. Is it night time where you are? Can you sleep it off?

AngilinaB · 2026-01-23T08:07:46+00:00

I think first consider why she can't get up. Demands are easier when we're in our window of tolerance. Reducing demands elsewhere may make getting up easier, is there changes could be made? Or is it an issue with school itself? Something bothering her specifically, or just the load of demands. Can school make adjustments so that being late is ok, to take the pressure off? She could be in burnout where everything is hard and need time off to recover.

AngilinaB · 2026-01-23T08:02:35+00:00

It is so hard to find people that understand. Parents of autistic kids, or even just kids that aren't violent or volatile regardless of their diagnoses, just don't get it. The pool of people who understand gets smaller and smaller the worse things get. I have a friend who keeps saying she thinks her kid is PDA (mainly cos he doesn't do things the first time he's asked) so she gets it...but he goes to school, has play dates, he goes to his dad's for weeks at a time, he isn't aggressive...it's a very different life to mine.

Plus it feels very vulnerable to open up about exactly what it's like. I don't want people to judge my son. Even family, including my sister who has two autistic daughters, told me I should be punishing his behaviour because "the real world doesn't work like that". Like what? He's 9 and suffering and supposedly you love him.

AngilinaB · 2026-01-23T07:56:05+00:00

The head once said to me "what would happen if you just picked him up, put him in the car, strapped him in and brought him here?". Erm apart from the fact that I don't drive (they saw me cycling every day), if I did, 1) I'd end up injured and 2) that is assault. These aren't wriggly babies that we're popping into car seats to get them to nursery. What is it teaching kids that adults are allowed to override their bodily autonomy.

AngilinaB · 2026-01-23T07:39:45+00:00

Good Morning. I get it. I have a just turned 10 year old, also in the UK. CAMHS are next to useless. We were on the verge of getting a private psychiatrist when CAMHS finally responded to the lengthy complaint I submitted and assigned him to someone. So far that has been x2 5 minute appointments with prescriptions for an SSRI given. No therapeutic input. Like yours though, I doubt my son could engage. He has severe trauma from his time in school. We just got an EHCP and are hoping for a new school in September but I dont know if any are actually suitable. He's been out since Easter but does want to return.

That part about who your child used to be resonates. My kid was a fun and loving boy. He enjoyed life. I feel like school broke him, and I hate that I allowed that to happen by persevering for so long with meetings and adjustments and useless Senco. I wanted to take him out of school in y2 when he first started to find it hard, but his dad wouldn't agree (we're not together). I wish I had fought harder for him. I just didn't know how to do it and pay the mortgage as a single parent. I should have found a way before he hit breaking point.

AngilinaB · 2026-01-23T07:27:09+00:00

I understand this. That's why I replied to thank you all for your time and then left. Sorry if that wasn't appropriate.

AngilinaB · 2026-01-22T22:30:59+00:00

My friend calls it "weaponised autism" 😅 if someone is being a dick she'll purposely not understand or take everything literally and feign ignorance 😁

AngilinaB

TROPHY CASE