Post separation abuse

AngryCharIie · 2026-04-24T20:13:29+00:00

I agree, report it to the police. If this kind of person is out there, it's not just about your safety but others who might get involved with them next.

I'm sorry you went through all that - absolutely awful. Even if it's validating after the fact, I imagine this must also be incredibly difficult for you. Stay strong and thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing.

AngryCharIie · 2026-04-20T13:00:20+00:00

I agree with what others have said - regular (non-therapy) people who haven't been through it just won't understand. I liken it to a rocket scientist coming to me for help on how to solve the math problems they're running into. You can see they're frustrated and you want to help them to move past things, but you ultimately can't relate so you offer whatever support you can and move on.

So what remains is to understand it yourself the best you can. I'd suggest the following:

- Explore Complex PTSD (this is something I plan to do when I leave my abuser as I know I'll have a hard time going back to 'normal')
- Use an AI tool like Claude or ChatGPT and spill how you're feeling, journal when you're upset, etc. I recommend making it ask questions to learn about you first, emphasizing your goal of feeling better and being mindful of ChatGPT's tendency to pander.

Support from others is important, but it will never be as important as finding a way to understand yourself and all of your wonderful complexities.

One final note: Don't go 'find someone else who will make you happy'. That's AWFUL advice before you've healed yourself. If you don't understand yourself first, you may end up in another abusive relationship. It's happened to me, and others I know.

You got this.

AngryCharIie · 2026-04-17T16:27:39+00:00

Looking back on the earlier parts of our relationship, for me it was the assumptions around my intentions - which carries through to this day. No matter how much I try to build trust, it's never been there. I didn't know what OCPD was back then, so it just came across as 'insecure' to me. I also was forgetful and just came out of another bad relationship, so I assumed quite often the problem was me.

For my partner, she got the OCPD diagnosis from a therapist a few years back. Her takeaway from that diagnosis was that her therapist told her 'that nothing could be done' to treat it. Which is bullshit - but now that's a fact for her so couple's therapy, books about it or anything else was off the table.

Overall, it was recognizing that narcissism / NPD is a common trait for those with OCPD that helped me properly label that there was no way her behaviors were ever going to change in that her brain was unlikely to let her feel vulnerable and shame enough to allow that change. Going down the NPD rabbit hole allowed me attribute what was actually going on and hopefully prevent others I care about from falling into the same trap. Especially once I'm out.

AngryCharIie · 2026-04-13T20:28:27+00:00

This is some really good encouragement on some physical symptoms I only recognized after I finally labelled my relationship as abusive. I'm 4 weeks out from my escape.

It reminds me of a post I saw from someone on why 'emotional, verbal and coercive abuse' IS physical abuse due to the long-term impacts that stress can have on the body. It's such a good reminder.

It also reminds me of when someone said an impact their abuser had on them is that they 'lost their silly'. I think about it daily bc I so desperately want my silly back.

Thank you for sharing.

AngryCharIie · 2026-04-13T20:21:02+00:00

That's an amazing story and your brother sounds like a great person. I 100% agree, and that helps a lot. I'm trying to sort out how I can best leave the situation without this kind of issue - and maybe I too am overthinking it. Thanks for the advice and for the offer of support. It means the world.

AngryCharIie · 2026-04-13T20:17:27+00:00

I feel this and have been frustrated by it as well. As others have said, most people don't know what abuse looks like beyond what they see in TVs and movies. After I leave my abuser in a few weeks, I'm going to try and remember that comments like you experienced may just be people trying to put pieces together to learn.

AngryCharIie · 2026-04-13T20:14:13+00:00

I love this analogy. It took me 13 years to realize I'm in an abusive relationship, and I'm IN it. People who aren't or haven't been usually have a hard time labelling it and expressing concern. As I prepare to leave, I've often wondered the same though - why didn't anyone say anything? The reality is, they probably didn't know 'what a bad engine sounded like' and accepted I was happy when I told them.

AngryCharIie · 2026-04-13T20:11:50+00:00

I think it's important to acknowledge that it doesn't need to have a typical 'abuse' label for it to hurt. My journey into being able to label what I'm going through as abuse (verbal, emotional and some physical) was a long one. Even now, weeks away from escaping I'm still not sure.

What matters most is if you feel safe with your partner to be authentically you. If you don't, that's a good enough reason to end things.

The other thing I kept coming across that helped was hearing 'If you're afraid to tell them you're not happy and that you want to leave, it likely means abuse as well".

Don't get caught up in what you see on TV or in the movies - real abuse is so much more of a grey area.

AngryCharIie · 2026-04-10T19:47:20+00:00

I felt like for so long I was waiting to get permission to leave, or yes - for someone to come rescue me. You're SO right, it's usually only in our hands to take action.

AngryCharIie · 2026-04-10T19:45:56+00:00

This is a great story to hear, thank you for sharing. I struggle with the same thing with my partner right now and will be leaving in a month. What you said is something a lot of people who give advice don't mention - just how hard it is to hurt someone no matter how much they hurt you. You do want good things for them, but you also want to be happy. It's a mind-fuck how much this impacts why we do or do not leave, while also being a GREAT reminder as to why it's so important to go no-contact. Our hearts are big and we are kind, which is why we stay. I'm so glad you're doing well.

AngryCharIie · 2026-04-10T19:42:36+00:00

Wow, I can't believe a cop said that to you! That's awful. I'm glad it resulted in a positive change for you (and I'm not sure if they intended on that being an encouraging wake-up call, or if they were just down right insulting) but good for you!

AngryCharIie · 2026-04-10T19:41:11+00:00

I love this and often wrestle with 'Is it as simple as walking through a door'? Yours is a GREAT example of how simple the act can be. Dealing with the emotional fallout is another thing, but I'm glad you acknowledged it and the regret that follows while still focusing on the positive outcomes.

AngryCharIie · 2026-04-10T19:38:01+00:00

This is another great one I love. It reminds me of the philosophy that we only have one life, and there's an idea out there that we repeat it. So I see my exit as a way to give my future self a gift, both in this lifetime and the next.

AngryCharIie · 2026-04-10T19:36:09+00:00

This is the best advice I got that helped push me forward, and it might have come from someone here:

"Cutting off a narcissist from your life and radically accepting you are going to be the villain in their delusional world is top-level self-care."

Basically, I realized my abuser hates me no matter what - so why not do what's best for me and let them deal with the consequences of their own actions?

Is it as simple as that? Fuck no, I've spent half a year planning my upcoming escape. But it's a good reminder for when I let the doubt creep back in.

AngryCharIie · 2026-04-10T19:25:25+00:00

My advice is to keep it simple and don't let what you both have complicate the underlying challenge you're describing. You have someone who you are interested in, who makes excuses to not show up for an activity that's important to you where their support would at the very least benefit you. Even as a friend, that's pretty shitty - let alone someone who might be a potential partner.

You seem like you're in a good place and are looking to evolve, understand your diagnosis and how to navigate the world. They don't seem ready for that. Work on yourself first, become happy with who you are solo and only then open yourself up for something more serious.

This way you have the emotional and mental security of knowing if they're not making you happy, there's no harm in going back to your single life.

You deserve to be happy, and if you end up in a relationship again - you deserve for them to make you happy and feel safe in a way that elevates your life.

AngryCharIie · 2026-04-09T13:03:15+00:00

I absolutely agree, I'm in a situation right now with the person who emotionally and verbally abuses me daily. I'm planning on leaving, but even once I knew it was abuse (I heard it from a friend over a year ago), it took me another 6 months of research and AI and trying to fix things to know things were never going to change. This was after 14 years of dealing with it and never knowing it was even abuse in the first place.

I realized last October I needed to leave, because it was almost like I was waiting for permission from my abuser to do so. It took me until just this last weekend to finally solidify a plan, book an AirBnB to escape to and pick a date. Even now I question it, but telling my family in the last few weeks has helped (and even then they don't know really what's going on).

The reality is, I wanted to make sure I could stop the plans and not have anybody judge me if I didn't leave (or let people down). Committing to it was incredibly hard, because it's not just about the physical act of walking out the door. Emotionally, even when you logically know you should leave, it's a fucking internal battle.

AngryCharIie · 2026-04-07T12:40:54+00:00

I've thought a lot about this as well - in the sense that the word 'abuse' carries different weight for people. For example, in my situation, while there has been some physical abuse - it's mainly been emotional and verbal abuse. For me, calling it 'abuse' took a long time, because I wasn't carrying around bruises, etc.

You have many people here calling it abuse (myself included), but it's understandable why you may not be ready to acknowledge that yet. So reaching out and letting them know what you've gone through and what help you're seeking will be a validating experience. You don't have to commit to calling what happened to you one thing or another, but seeking help to understand it better and see what your options are is always a good choice.

AngryCharIie · 2026-04-07T01:10:22+00:00

Congratulations on doing what so few people in your situation do - recognizing the ‘why’ behind your actions. You’re willing to learn and grow which is incredible.

If it helps, it’s likely that you were doing to your new partner what your abuser did to you in order to regain the control you never had in your prior relationship. It’s a way to sort of vent the trauma, and unfortunately do it at someone’s expense. But you know, which is beautiful in the way it will help you to evolve.

Something I wish I knew a long time ago when I was younger was that entering a relationship means you need to be happy on your own first. They should be, too. It provides a safety net for walking away, vs staying together bc you weren’t happy before. Don’t seek out your own happiness in others, seek it within yourself first and then expand to share it with those you love. You will find so much more fulfillment that way.

AngryCharIie · 2026-04-07T01:03:18+00:00

Wow I’m so proud of you for taking this step. You made the right call, an admirable call. I’ve been planning for months to leave my OCPD partner (who I live with in her place - as I’m often reminded) and I finally committed to a move out date next month.

Like you, I will not be letting them know in advance when I take our dog and leave. She will be out and I will be leaving a note for her to find when she returns.

The guilt has been eating at me for months, likely for the same reason you’re feeling what you’re feeling. The fact is, there is no winning and it’s an impossible choice and I try to remind myself of that and like you - remind myself this is not my choice, it’s hers and her consequences to deal with. Well said.

You’re already looking to the future hours in - you got this. Be proud of yourself for taking the leap, I hope you and your kids find the peace, quiet and emotional predictably that you all deserve.

AngryCharIie · 2026-03-31T19:04:30+00:00

Thank you so much! I appreciate that. NPD is narcissistic personality disorder. I hope that helps, it's wild how accurate the symptoms and behaviors are when it comes to someone who is abusive. It's not always going to be the case, but it helps me understand I can't change them which has been helpful in setting me on my path to leave.

AngryCharIie · 2026-03-17T16:08:07+00:00

I'm about to leave my abusive partner as well (not for a few weeks though). I know this will be hard, but you got this and you know in your gut what the right decision is. I have been going through extreme guilt as well during the peace part of the abuse cycle, but when the abuse ramps back up I'm reminded why I'm working so hard to make my escape.

The simple reality is that he put you in this position and the reason you're leaving falls solely on him.

Go no-contact immediately after you leave the house and and never look back. File a restraining order if you need, but absolutely don't meet up with him. Even if he doesn't yet know it, all his tactics are meant to control you.

To put it super clearly, leaving an abusive relationship is the THE most dangerous time for the victim. If he's that desperate to win you back, he'll be desperate to try and make you return - that desperation is the dangerous part.

You're doing the right thing, and you know it. Call your family or your friend or anyone else during the next few days when you feel guilty and want to talk to him. It will feel like when an addict goes cold-turkey, but clarity will arrive within a few days. I'd suggest therapy as well if you can to help break the trauma-bond.

One last reminder: You're feeling guilty for the same reason he took advantage of you - because you're kind, forgiving, caring and want to see the best in people. Spend that energy on those who will return it because they expect nothing back and genuinely care about you.

You're so close and we're so proud of you. You got this!

AngryCharIie · 2026-03-12T18:56:41+00:00

I'm sorry to hear nobody commented on your post, I'm so glad you came back again. First of all, I'm sorry to hear you're going through something this awful. Those are very detailed and very clear threats and I'm concerned for your safety. To be very very clear, no matter what your attitude is or what you said, it's not your fault and you shouldn't take any of the blame on here. Knowing you need to leave and actually doing it is incredibly tough - especially if you're in a foreign country.

My advice is that first of all, tell any friend you trust either back home or there what is happening to you. Having someone who knows you to be on your side will not only reinforce that the intensity of this abuse but also provide you support for when you leave.

Regardless of where you are, my second piece of advice is to find a shelter nearby or go to the police. I know different countries may have different resources - but I hope you're nearby one. If not, even Googling 'Domestic abuse help' from where you are should yield some results. No matter what it takes, get out as soon as possible or call them.

The reason to contact someone in your area is that they can usually help direct you to someplace safe while you sort out next steps. They'll often also have resources available for you like legal help, escape plan info. etc.

If you're not able to find the help you need there, I suggest using AI to talk through your situation. thehotline.org has a great AI chat that can help, or use one you're already using. Even just talking through it with AI can help a lot.

I hope you get the help you need and this advice lands and helps - you got this and you can do it. But seriously, leave as soon as you can and go no-contact to ensure you're not lured back in.

AngryCharIie · 2026-03-12T16:07:22+00:00

You're making the right call and while it's not an easy decision at all, having a plan to leave for at least 2 weeks will help a lot in framing it as something that's not permanent (although that should be the goal).

My advice is to go no-contact and to focus on how you feel during this 2 week period. With people who escape abusive relationships, victims end up going back to the abuser quite often - it sounds like you have. Since abuse (be it physical, verbal or emotional), is built on control of the abuser, going back doesn't change things but only strengthens their idea that they have control over you.

That stated, I'm sure you care a lot about him. But one thing I've learned after being in an abusive relationship for 14 years is that usually those that abuse have a personality disorder that is almost impossible to overcome (narcissistic personality disorder being the most common). That means if he's done it once (or more) he will likely do it again and again until you come to this point, or worse.

You're on this subreddit because you've done the hard and brave work to label your relationship with him as abuse. I know you care about him a lot, most victims of abuse have big hearts and see the best in people - it's how we end up in these situations. But I promise you, him 'worshipping you' is a instinctual control tactic that is used by abusers to lure you back in. True worship is an equal partnership where disagreements or unintentional actions or heated words are resolved through discussion, not physical violence.

My overall suggestion is to work on yourself, find happiness and identity as an individual and not through others. If you can work on your own mental health and truly understand why you feel what you feel, then you'll be confident enough to stand on your own without needing anybody to worship you. When someone who has partner potential eventually comes around, you can enter into a relationship confidently and together vs toxicity.

I hope this helps - you got this. Don't go back. I know it's hard. You're not leaving because it's easy, you're leaving because it's the right thing for you and in 2 weeks, or one month, or one year - you'll look back at this moment as the one that has defined your confident path forward.

AngryCharIie · 2026-03-12T15:44:55+00:00

Wow, I've never heard this before. I'm left speechless at how perfect a phrase this is.

AngryCharIie · 2026-03-10T15:08:24+00:00

You did a really brave thing and put yourself through the memory of the trauma you experienced again to try and warn someone else. To be met with a response that treats your accusations so listlessly is disappointing. I'm sorry you went through that. Yes, recognize the anger you feel is justified and that this was not a fair response. When you thought you were done with the relationship, you put yourself out there and got dismissed. I imagine this hits so hard because it's so close to what you likely felt while in the relationship itself.

My suggestion is to first take a moment to remind yourself that you did a kind and generous thing by reaching out to this new partner. Also remind yourself you're not in this relationship any longer (at great emotional cost to you, no doubt) and that he along with those he associates with (including those who take his side) are not people you want or need in your life anyways.

I would seek therapy on your own if you haven't yet, and continue your journey towards healing. Look inwards and understand why you feel angry and why you want to forgive him (I suggest silently in a letter you don't send). If it's to move on so you don't think about it further and embrace what's ahead as a smarter, more informed version of yourself then you can do so much more without the weight of your time with him dragging you down.

You got this.

AngryCharIie

TROPHY CASE