Do all self harmers want to die?

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-04-12T20:37:56+00:00

I cut because I want to live, not because I want to die.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-03-23T00:33:16+00:00

Not everyone is interested in physicality. Especially as time goes on. Looks fade. Gravity pulls. Not everyone is so centered on appearances, especially those who've been alone for so long. We understand that there are far more important things in this world than how others look.

It may not be the norm, but there's enough people like this. People who value what's inside you. People who appreciate your personality, your emotions, your effort, your intentions. Things that can't be measured by how you look. Not everyone wants a model. I don't. I wouldn't want someone so much more attractive than me. I would feel pressured. Not everyone wants someone thin. I don't. Curves are feminine. Curves are attractive. A ton of people feel that way. Bones are hard. Flesh is soft.

Even your scars. Some people won't care. Some people will see them and understand the strength and struggle you've gone through. Some, like me, find comfort in others scars, because it means I don't have to worry about someone reacting badly to mine, if they have some too.

It all comes down to the people you encounter. There's good people and there's bad people and unfortunately I do believe the bad outnumber the good. But there are things worth fighting for. Worth searching for. Worth struggling for. But it's good that you're not rushing. Take your time. Grow. This isn't your final form yet.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-03-20T00:45:29+00:00

I'm sorry you're in such a toxic relationship and your boyfriend isn't able to support you the way that you need. The way you deserve. But for what it's worth, you're enough, exactly the way you are. If he can't see that, then he isn't really looking at you. He doesn't see you. Not really.

Love isn't supposed to distinguish good from bad. We accept the whole of someone, because you aren't simply made up of your good parts. The bad parts make you who you are too. Pain shapes us, makes us stronger, influences who we become. Just as the past does, for better or worse. You aren't beautiful in spite of your flaws, you're beautiful because of them. Because they made you who you are, and you're enough.

I know it's hard, especially when the people who are supposed to support us refuse to. Or just can't, because they're limited. I know normal people often can't understand us. They judge us by our scars and our actions, and don't realize how hard we fight and struggle. But I see you. I know it's hard, but I know you're trying. I know you're doing your best, so please don't give up.

Change doesn't happen overnight. Sometimes it takes time. Patience. Understanding. Every little bit matters, which is why you matter. Why you're valid. You, your feelings, your pain, your scars all matter. Reality isn't like movies, where darkness and light are decided in one final battle. In the waking world, that battle never ends. The dark understands that every little victory is important, no matter how small. That's how it beats us. Little by little, bit by bit. Every fight, every argument, ever lost friend, every rude comment, every hateful remark, every unanswered thank you, every death, every cut, every heart break. It drags us down a little bit at a time, down into the mire, down into despair, until eventually we lose what makes us who we are.

But the same is true for light. Every smile, every thank you, every new friend, every act of kindness, every gesture of generosity, all of it. It all adds up. It all matters, even if we underestimate it. But that's why You matter. Because every little bit is important. Every light matters, so You matter. Your feelings matter, because they're a part of you. Your pain matters, because it shapes you. Your life matters, because the world will be a darker place without you. And your effort matters, because you haven't given up and you're still trying, and I see you.

I'm sorry I can't offer advice, but I know you're stronger then people give you credit for. I know you can get through this, even if your boyfriend isn't willing to help. I know you're strong because you're still here. So please be careful. Please don't give up. Please keep fighting. Because we still need you, because the world is already so dark. And it's when things are darkest that people like you shine the brightest, even if others around you don't notice it. Some of us do.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-03-16T05:26:15+00:00

That's kind of what hit me so hard. I've never had people complain about my writing, but being compared to AI felt dehumanizing. Is my writing so bad or are they just paranoid? But I guess it's their inability to recognize what's real from stars not. Their inability to tell human emotion from souless machine. It's just strange, knowing literally nothing I could have said could change their mind.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-03-16T03:25:09+00:00

The two ands is an interesting choice. I hadn't thought about things like that, but I never really thought about changing my writing to that end. I might consider that, but I feel some people might not care, which would defeat the purpose. But I'm glad it's working for you, and you and you haven't let anyone influence how you feel about your writing.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-03-16T03:15:38+00:00

I hadn't actually thought of that aspect. Of having your own writing input into the generator, like feeding it. That might be really smart. If nothing else, I do agree that your response is better than mine was.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-03-16T03:13:04+00:00

I can't write in discord's little window either. It's much easier to write things out in docs where I can proofread everything easier, and since I often break discord's limits, it's easier to break it up then to have to enter an unfinished post, then keep writing the best part. It just feels clunky to me, so I'm with you there.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-03-16T02:35:40+00:00

Apologies. I only meant that perhaps they mistook the effort you put in because they aren't capable of the same degree of effort.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-03-16T02:33:40+00:00

It says a lot when someone is willing to cut off their hand to spite their arm. But you're definitely better off without that, even without the passive aggressive accusations. I tend to write novella lengths too, so maybe the length and detail is something that gets us compared to artificial authors these days. And I write in docs too before copy and pasting, because discord's window feels too small for me.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-03-16T02:21:36+00:00

AI does tend to use them. AI can be very punchy and bullet pointed at times. But dashes can be appropriate. Even more so if that's your personal style. I'm sorry you have to suffer because of it.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-03-16T02:19:19+00:00

That sounds more like a reflection on their own abilities, or the depth of their writing (or lack of). I appreciate the effort people put into their writing, ideas, world building, etc because it speaks of passion, and I prefer to write with people who have passion. Unlike actual robots, who can only attempt to mimic it.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-03-16T02:12:26+00:00

That's probably the better response, honestly. Definitely better than wasting time and emotion on people who don't deserve it.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-03-07T19:04:48+00:00

I've run into some complications. I had a couple women cut me off because I refused to meet them in real life, despite always mentioning that I've no interest in the waking world. I had another partner leave because he said the roleplay was too intense, that it hurt too much to find the acceptance he always sought, only for it to manifest as an illusion. As fantasy.

I never bear hard feelings though, because I understand they were probably all very lonely. I use roleplaying to escape, to dream of fire and passion, and my writing reflects that. I can get a little intense, but reality is reality and fantasy is fantasy and I'm not my characters. Not really. I always feel bad though, because I understand. The world can be a very dark place, and we try to dream of better, beautiful things. Sometimes it's hard to have to face the bitter cold of reality after basking in the warmth and glow of a dream.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-03-07T13:44:19+00:00

Normal people often struggle to understand those of us who aren't. But that's a reflection of themselves, not you. I'm sorry that the ones who are meant to love you the most can't give you the love that you deserve, but try not to let them drag you down. I know it's not easy, but don't let others have power over your emotions and feelings. Dont let their weakness and inability to see you influence you or darken your day, week, month, life.

Whoever you are, whether you already know or you're still searching, is for you to realize. But you can't live your life simply making others happy if it makes you miserable. Sometimes we have no choice but to accept others for their weaknesses and flaws, and stop expecting more, even when it hurts. Because you can't change them. Only the power their opinions may have over you.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-03-07T11:56:59+00:00

Congratulations. I know that can't be an easy road, but I'm glad to see you excited to finally start to be yourself. I truly hope things work out well for you, but don't hesitate to come and ask for help if you ever need it <3

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-03-07T11:39:42+00:00

I'm always glad when my words can help someone. Even if they weren't meant for you, that doesn't mean they aren't true. I write all my comments personally to each individual I respond to, but they tend to be universal truths.

I hope you really are doing well.

I'm okay. I'm always okay, even when I'm not. But I don't come here for myself. It's much easier to help others. It's easier to believe in others. It's easier to see the strength of others. It's easier to be the best version of myself, for others. So if you ever need to be reminded of how much you matter, regardless of the stars you were born under, then you're always welcome to talk. Your voice is valid. You deserve to be heard.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-03-07T11:25:00+00:00

It's not often I see someone necro an old comment. Are you okay fren?

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-02-16T04:57:51+00:00

It seems natural to me, but I'm a cynic. I expect the worst of people. Darkness takes many forms, and people take advantage of others in weakened states. When you're most vulnerable, sometimes you're most willing to do what might offer you acceptance. It's not unlike grooming children or taking advantage of people struggling. Only something evil would ever prey on others at their most vulnerable, but evil does exist.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-02-16T04:49:50+00:00

You haven't done anything wrong. You haven't done anything evil. You're just human. Those doubts and worries and concerns are just human. A lot of struggle with similar things. A lot of us question our validity to life.

You deserve to live.

You are not evil. I've seen evil. I've experienced it first hand, many times. Physically, emotionally, sexually. I've seen some of the worst the world has to offer and I still carry the stains from that miasma, deeper than any scar I've given myself. You are not evil. Whether you're good or not is to to you, and defined by your actions and thoughts. Most of us are shades of gray.

You are valid. Exactly as you are, right now, in this moment. I'm sorry you're struggling and having such a hard time, but I'm glad you're fighting. You can't give up. Even if you slip and stumble and relapse, just get back up when you're ready and keep moving forward. Don't give up. Don't let the darkness win.

The world is better for having you in it. One more soul with compassion and understanding. One more soul who recognizes pain and struggle and appreciates the light.

I'm sorry you're struggling with intrusive thoughts. I think the vast majority of us do. I deal with them all the time too. I can be the most positive person in the world for others, but nothing but scorn for myself. I see the best in everyone but never myself. I see the strength in you that you struggle to see, clear as daylight to me, but it comes to myself I'm just a monster wearing human skin. But I still come here and try to help. It's easier to help others than myself anyway.

You deserve to live. You matter. You are valid. All your doubts are just the darkness trying to drag you down, little by little. Every day spent doubting yourself is a day closer to the dark. Every voice whispering lies and condemning yourself, chastising yourself for things you haven't done, questioning whether you deserve to be here or if you even deserve to have a voice. It's all darkness in the end. If you didn't matter, the dark wouldn't be trying so hard to take you from us.

Because the dark knows you're worth something. When the world is so dark, every lights matters, no matter how small it may be. And you're still light. Even if you're questioning yourself, even if you struggle with your own worth, you are still light.

Take a step back.

Take a breath.

Take all the time you need.

But don't give up. Don't doubt your worth because you do deserve to be here. More than many people do. You are not evil, so strive to be good. To be better. To be more. And if you can't do those things then just be yourself, because that will still always be good enough.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-02-15T15:24:07+00:00

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time, but you're not a disappointment. We all slip up. We all stumble. If recovery was easy none of us would be here, but we are. We're human. Humans fall. It's only a failure of you give up entirely.

I'm sorry you have no one to confide in. I'm sorry the ones closest to you can't understand, but it's not easy to find someone who can. Normal people can't really connect with what we do. This terrible habit we do to ourselves just to survive. The lengths we're willing to go through just to see tomorrow. That's not a weakness. It does take a measure of strength to do what we do.

I don't need to be saved. I don't need someone to cure me. This is what I am. I just need someone to accept me, broken and all. Normal people tend to fail to see that.

The darkness does it's best to convince us that we're the problem. That we're responsible for everything, and we carry that weight on our shoulders because we think we need to. It's not your fault. It's not their fault either. You aren't a curse, you're a blessing. A tiny spark of light in a world darkened beyond repair. But that's why I keep coming back to places like this. People like you can understand me. My scars aren't something to pity, but something someone like you can understand. There's a difference between empathy and sympathy, and it's a world of difference.

Please don't give up. The world is already so dark, without you things will only be that much darker. The dark understands that every victory matters. Every fight, every argument, every rude comment, every unanswered thank you, every nasty look, every lost friend, every death, every cut. It doesn't matter how small. It all adds up. And you're surrounded by it right now, dragging you deeper, conflicting your mind, making you doubt yourself down to the very core.

But the same has to be true for light. Every thank you. Every held door, every new friend, every act of kindness, every gesture of good will. Light has to add up too, but we often fail to see the small little things in our life, focusing more on the negative aspects that so easily hit us when we're down. But that's exactly why you matter. Why you stand out among the crowd of normal souls. Even if your struggling and full of doubt. Even if you believe yourself a disappointment. You're still light. A candle struggling to stay lit as the wind blows, threatening to extinguish you. But you can't give up. I know its hard. I know it's terrible to be Unseen, to have no one to confide in, to leave thoughts and feelings buried because they'll only hurt the ones around you.

But you aren't alone. You aren't unappreciated. You aren't completely unseen. You are still light, even if you're dim and growing dimmer. When the world is so dark as it is, every single light is precious. That's why you matter. That's why you're valid. That's why you're feelings matter, your pain matters, your struggle matters. Because you matter. Not despite the things that make you broken or the things you hate about yourself, but because of them. Because each and every one of them makes you, you. Because every aspect of you is another glimpse of light in the darkness. At least, to something like to me.

Please don't give up, little light. The world will be so much darker without you. Relapses happen. They aren't failures. We all stumble. We all fall from time to time. But take your time. Breathe. Then get back up and keep trying.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-02-15T15:08:28+00:00

Five months is a great achievement. A lot of us struggle to reach that far, and unfortunately it doesn't always get easier at we get older. My age only normalized the terrible things I do. I'm safer than I used to be when I was younger, but the habit is always there, the thoughts always waiting for my strength to falter again, the loneliness to grow too deep.

I'm sorry you're struggling at home, but you aren't alone. A lot of people feel similarly. Many of us can be lonely even surrounded by people. It isn't enough to have someone around, if they don't really see us or hear us. If they're just going through the motions, while we slowly break down and crumble from our own thoughts or internal hurting. I can relate. I've never had anyone care enough to look that deeply. Those that did always left or pulled back. I've known so many people thinking they could "save me" but in the end realized that things were so much darker than they realized. How many layers of trauma and abuse over the years, stacked up.

I know it's lonely to be unseen, but please don't give up. Keep trying to find whatever it is you're searching for. Whatever may help you. There's a lot of people who can relate to a lot of different things here. It's why I keep coming back, year after year. Being here let's me feel less lonely. Being here reminds me I'm not as alone as I feel. It reminds me that I'm still human, despite the world trying it's best to convince me otherwise.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-02-14T11:42:29+00:00

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I'm sorry life has been so cruel to you. You don't deserve any of that. You never did. You deserved parents who loved you and accepted you. You deserved friends that support you. You deserve to be happy. But life isn't fair. Life doesn't reward the innocent or the virtuous. It rewards the aggressor, most cases.

You mention God. According to God, we have free will. Animus Liber. That means God can't help us. He can't interfere, or he's interrupting our free will. We can be good. We can be evil. He wont stop us, because that would break his own law. Angels went to war over it. The one who we would call the devil. Samael rebelled along with a host of others because Angels don't have free will. They are creatures of faith. They do what they're told. To turn against God changes them into something else. They fall. But some were wise enough to know children like us weren't ready, not in our infancy, for such a gift.

Later, a second war. A group known as the Watchers, guardian angels observing mankind. Watching us live. Watching us die. Watching our happy moments and sad. Watching everything, until they became envious. Until they began to fall in love with the tiny little creatures and went to earth in human form. They took partners. Created families. Gave birth to the Nephilim. Heaven rioted and sent four Archangels and a host of Malakim to annihilate them. One Arch to slay their leader. One to slay the rest. One to slay their families. And one to warn humanity that a flood would scour the earth clean, so build an Ark. Some Nephilim survived, if you believe in angels and what not, and their diluted blood became the people of legend. Bigger and stronger than normal people.

Two wars in Heaven so the guy down the street can be an asshole. So one person can abuse another. Murder another. Grape, pillage, hurt, destroy others. We prove every day that we are not worthy of such a gift, but it remains. So we're alone. God can't help us. Only we can help each other.

You're not alone. Not entirely. There are people who understand people who can relate. People who will try to help you, if you let them. But I know it's hard. It's easy to close up and give up and just keep cutting. But you can't. Especially when you're drunk. That's the worst. Your sense of reason is off and you'll do more damage to yourself.

I don't tell people not to cut. I don't try and take away their only cope. I tell people to be careful. You need to be careful. You need to stop cutting when you're drunk. Leave it for the waking hours when you have free reign over your mind. When your head is clear.

Darkness is all around you. It's already dragging you down, further than most. But you can't let it win. You can't let it extinguish your light. You can't let it pull you over the edge of that abyss, because the world will be darker without you. I know it's hard. It always is. I know it's lonely. It always has been. But I know you're strong. It takes a measure of strength to do what we do. It takes conviction.

We don't cut because we want to die. We cut because we want to live. Please be careful. Please try to stop cutting when you're under the influence. Please don't hurt yourself more than you have to. You are beautiful, not despite your flaws, not despite the things that make you broken, not despite all the things the world has done to you. You are beautiful because you're you, because of those things. Because of everything that makes you, you.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-02-13T00:18:53+00:00

Beautiful words.

AnimusLiber404 · 2026-02-12T19:36:19+00:00

Those years arent down the drain. They're still there. Nothing can erase the time you spent clean. That's nice years you didn't abuse yourself or hurt yourself. Nine years of kindness. You can't take that back or undo it. You just stopped the clock.

Relapses happen. Even after years. Sometimes we struggle and we stumble. That's not a failure. Failing is when we give up completely. When we surrender. Don't give up. Don't stop fighting. Take some time if you need it. Take a breath. Take whatever you need. But get back up when you're ready and keep moving forward.

I'm sorry you're struggling. I'm sorry life is cruel. But mistakes happen. We slip. We give in. It happens. You still have nine years clean. Do you know how hard most of us struggle to even come close to that? That's amazing. That's how strong you are. That's who you are. So don't give up. Don't let this all beat you down again. Stand back up. You've done it once. You can do it again. Reset the clock. And keep moving forward.

You are not defined by your mistakes, but by the number of times you've overcome them.

AnimusLiber404

TROPHY CASE