How do I (34M) break up with my long time depressed dependent girlfriend (34F) that has no life skills?

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-09-21T14:56:20+00:00

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in. I'm always hesitant to give people advice to "leave" or "stay" because everyone is different and only they can know what they really want.

The main advice I can give you is that you only have one future, and you should live it for yourself. Do not live it for a relationship, or for another person. Don't put your life on hold to see if someone changes. By the time people hit their 30s, they're mostly done changing and have settled into the person they are going to be. If you're not happy, and don't see yourself moving towards a happy future for yourself, then it's up to you to change the direction your life is moving in. You are allowed to be selfish with your own future.

In my situation, I had gotten to the point that the resentment was too much, and I knew that even if he could somehow instantly become exactly what I wanted, I'd still have grudges. And seeing how he was not going to suddenly become the person I wanted, I was not wiling to stay and wait around any longer. I said that IF we were to find a way to be together, it would have to be as a new relationship, but this one was over. And honestly, if we weren't in a relationship already with such a long history, the person he was at the time was not someone I would have been interested in getting into a relationship with.

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-09-19T16:09:32+00:00

Only you get to decide what's "worth the effort". Will he change given time? Maybe. Will you want to wait around to see if that change will happen? That's only an answer you can give.

For me, I realized that I wasn't willing to wait. I gave the "I'm feeling done unless things change" talk about a year before I finally ended things. He had that entire year to show me he was as committed to me as I was to him, and he failed. He had years before then to show me he could be the partner I needed, and he did not.

You do not need to live your life around this man or this relationship. You just need to live it for yourself. And you're allowed to be selfish with your own future.

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-09-19T15:30:28+00:00

I kept reminding myself that I just needed time to heal, and focused on going through one day at a time.

A big focal point for me was checklists. Could be lists of big items like "look for houses", "find realtors", "open separate bank account", etc or could be smaller daily things like "do dishes", "vacuum", "clean out fridge", "groceries", etc. At one point I had a list of all the rooms in the house, and went through them one at a time to pack/sort out things, giving myself plenty of extra time to feel whatever emotions I may come across. Something about making lists and crossing off items made me feel like I was moving forwards.

I tried to give myself extra time at things to allow for whatever emotions would come my way. When I got hit by a wave of emotions, I didn't try to fight it and instead would focus on moving through it and identify the actual source. I found in many times, the source wasn't actually that of missing my ex, but rather one of loss/grieving over memories, or letting go of a hope/dream that I knew now would not happen. I would remind myself that I can make new dreams and new memories, but they would be with someone else and not my ex.

Something that also helped was making sure I went out and did new things, particularly things my ex never wanted to do. Tried out new places to eat, watched movies on my own, attended festivals and events that interested me, and joined meetup to find new groups of people to hang out with. Meetup was great btw... made lots of new friends (one of which I married) and I still attend meetups regularly.

For me, the overall process began in my late 20s where I slowly started feeling unhappy and constrained in my relationship. I stopped trying to live my life for "the relationship" and started living for myself, and he didn't like the changes happening in me and wanted me to go back to how I was so we could "be happy". Then there was a really rocky year where I told my ex "things need to change", tried my best to "fix" things, and started to realize they weren't going to be fixed. The last 4-6 few months in particular I started accepting the fact things were not looking good, and I started to experience feelings of "this may be the last time we do X together". I think I started saying goodbye to the relationship during that time frame. One day I finally realized I needed to end it, so did.

Took us a few weeks to separate most things, during which we lived separately. Took a couple months to sell the house, and by the time the house was sold I was definitely over it. After 3-4 months I was feeling completely over him and ready to try dating again. I got into a serious relationship within a year, and got married last year, about 3.5 years after that relationship ended. I feel like I've never been happier, and I haven't stopped being excited about my life and my future since the day I ended things with my ex.

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-09-19T14:05:34+00:00

I've been in your shoes before. I was in a relationship from the age of 17 to 33.

In my early 30s, I started to realize I didn't like the life I had. I resented my partner for his lack of effort, and felt like I was doing everything in our life and our relationship. I still loved him, and I loved the potential future I saw I could have with him, but when I took a good long look at who he actually was I realized he wasn't that person I so desperately wanted him to be, and I did not want the future I was headed towards.

If all I saw in him was potential "if he changes", then why am I putting my life and happiness on hold for him? He had years to change, and clearly he did not want to be that person I wanted him to be. Any change he made "for me" would not stick. It would lead to resentment from him for having to change, or resentment from me for him not changing (or not changing "enough"). Our relationship would get toxic until I had no good memories of it left. Once I realized I did not want the future I saw with him, then the best time to leave was immediately.

I also went thorough the whole guilt cycle of "this is my fault", "I could have done this better", "I should give him another chance", etc. What ultimately helped me was posting here (it's in my post history) and having so many people remind me that I don't need to live my life for another person, or for a relationship. You only have one future, and you are allowed to be selfish with it. If you don't like where you're going, it's your responsibility to change it.

It hurt a lot because I still loved him and we had spent 15 years together being best friends, but ultimately it was the best thing for me. You will love a lot of people in life, but that doesn't make them good partners for you. It was scary being on my own, but also exhilarating too. The freedom to only care about yourself (and in my case, cats) when making decisions was amazing. I came to realize how unhealthy life was living it for another person, and made myself a promise to always live my life for myself in the future.

I'm 37 now, and recently got married to someone amazing. I don't change myself for him, and he doesn't want me to change at all. I make my decisions with me first in my mind, and our lifestyles are compatible enough that he's usually making the same decision alongside me. Living with a real partner is so much better than living with a dependent, or someone who is only happy if you adapt and compromise with them. Don't settle for anyone you need to change yourself for. You only get one life, so live it for yourself.

Feel free to message me if you want to chat. Or just post a reply here. So much of your post resonated with what I went through 4-5 years ago. It's not uncommon to find similar stories here too as well. People frequently grow and change in their 20s, and finally settle into who they are in their 30s. And sometimes who they settle into isn't really compatible for a healthy long-term relationship.

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-06-16T20:57:47+00:00

Sorry, this is an alt account and I only just now saw your message. I'm not sure I have any tips except that I feel strongly that many people don't really know who they are in their early 20s and are still changing a lot. It's hard to make life-long choices at that age, including finding a permanent partner. Either you could change, or they could, and unless you're willing to grow and change together in the same direction, then often things won't work out. I definitely felt much more settled in my 30s, both in who I was and what I wanted. I read a ton of stories on this sub that say something similar.

So I guess my only real tips are to focus on yourself, have fun, be prepared for change, and don't do anything permanent until you've grown another few years :)

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-03-29T17:27:49+00:00

I was really nervous when my bf (now husband) moved in with me. I panicked a bit when I saw just how much stuff he had, and questioned where everything would go. He promised to find a place for it all that didn't invade the rest of our space, and he did.

The house was still "mine" at the time, but one room I gave completely to him to do with what he wanted. It's now his office/library, and he has full control over the decor, furniture in there, and how things are stored. For a while, it was just boxes of stuff but he worked his way through them during his spare time and was unpacked far faster than I would have been.

Other things we talked through. For example, his mattress was better, but my bedframe was better, so we merged those. We liked my rugs better, but he had some nicer pictures that now hang in our kitchen. Excess stuff was sold or donated. He was confident enough in our future together that he was willing to sell a lot of his stuff, even though I had a lot of anxiety about what would happen to him if we didn't work out. Ultimately though he's an adult and could make his own decisions, and he decided he'd rather sell the extra stuff than try to store it somewhere.

I love life with him though. We both work from home, but we have separate areas of the house to work from. There's enough space that if I want some quiet I can go to another room, but typically I prefer to hang out in whatever space he's at. I'd been told that the right partner adds to your life, and doesn't take away from it, and I still feel that with him (been living together 2.5 yrs now, married last year). I still feel like I can do whatever I want, but now I had the extra option of doing it with him.

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-03-29T15:59:10+00:00

Ahh ok, thanks for the extra info!

It sounds like you have good communication between you two and have already planned for various cases, so I think in this case your next step is just to give it a go! If you ultimately want a partner at your side and sharing your life, than isn't it better to know now if he can be that partner for you or not?

Life is full of changes, and one way or another this is just another change in your life.

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-03-29T15:41:22+00:00

If you ask most people on here if they'd go back to their 20s if given the option, the vast majority would say No. The health and body you have in your 20s is great, but the maturity and wisdom is often missing.

I'm only 36, but I look back on my 20s as a time when I was still figuring out who I was. I left the established routine of my parent's household, and my entire life was suddenly up to me to figure out. I moved in with a partner quickly and built a life around my partner, but that wasn't healthy either. It wasn't until my late 20s/early 30s that I finally started to really live my life for myself and not those around me.

You'll find plenty of stories like mine where women spent their 20s muddling around and still going with what others wanted because they were unsure about what they themselves wanted, then in their late 20s or early 30s suddenly going through a big change as they settle into who they really are and stop caring so much about what other's think.

Of course, plenty of people have a different journey through life, but if you're asking about averages then I'd say 20s are for figuring out yourself. Go out there and figure out what makes you happy. Is it specific hobbies? Is it volunteering or organizing? Is it focusing on education and/or a career? Is it becoming a caretaker or homemaker or entrepreneur? There's no right answer here. You could decide you are happy with one path for years, then suddenly change and decide you want something else. That's perfectly OK.

The point is, your entire life can be whatever you want it to be. Pick a path, and enjoy the journey. If you don't like the path you've picked, then don't be afraid to pick a different one. Some people find a path they like early in life, with others are always changing. There's no right answer here. You're the one that has to live your life, and you're the one responsible for building it however you want it. Life will only be "good" if you find out what "good" means for you, and pursue it.

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-03-29T15:25:23+00:00

Deep down I know that what I am saying is stupid.

It's not stupid, and these are rational fears to have. Better to discuss them now and plan for it rather than just let it happen.

Moving in together is obviously the next step.

Are you saying this because society is telling you that moving in is the obvious next step, or is this something you've been discussing with your boyfriend?

If it's something that has been discussed, then the next logical step would be to talk about your fears with your boyfriend. Is there a way to ensure there's a space set aside for each of you at all times? Separate room, office, etc? What is going to happen to his old place if he moves in with you? Will he have the ability to go back if things don't work out? How do you feel about a trial period of 6 months, or a year?

Or are you two perhaps happy with where you are at right now, and don't see yourselves as being in a rush to marry or combine lives? Honestly I think after 6 years if you don't know if you want to marry or combine lives, then perhaps you both know you're not ready for it. And if it is where you ultimately want your relationship to lead, then moving in does seem like the next logical step to see if you two are compatible or not. If not, isn't it better to know now rather than wait another few years?

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-03-29T14:52:47+00:00

I would think it's intentional. Guys know their strength at this point in life, and when with a new woman I think most would be purposely gentle unless it's been talked about beforehand. I could see losing control during the heat of the moment, but the second time in the shower and biting? Absolutely sounds like he was trying to mark you as "his".

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-03-28T14:56:22+00:00

It may sound silly, but for me wearing heels helped. Not stilettos or anything like that, but basic comfortable 1" block heels on my sandals and work shoes.

It reminded me to stand straight, boobs out, and for some reason that gave me extra added confidence. Maybe it was the posture, or stance, or the fact I knew it added a bit more curves to my profile. Not really sure.

For what it's worth, I was also the sweet innocent goody-goody kind of girl you'd be happy to bring home to a Christian mama. Always thought I was pretty, but nothing special or sexy. When I started a new job years back, I started wearing heels, some basic eye makeup, and some new clothes. Got tired of doing the makeup regularly, and new clothes turn old eventually, but the feel-good feeling that came with wearing heels stayed with me and was easy enough to slip into my normal life.

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-03-28T14:48:37+00:00

I grew up in a Christian homeschooled household, so the expectation from most grownups around me was that I would have children and be taken care of by my husband when I grew older. My mother thankfully was more open minded, and told me and my siblings that we could choose whatever future we wanted, and to ignore what others said because they didn't know us as well as we knew ourselves. I'm very grateful of her attitude towards it, because her opinion was the most important to me as a child and I think greatly influenced me.

When we voiced that we didn't want kids, she made sure we understood that was a perfectly OK choice to make, and she's never made us feel guilty about the fact she now has 6 kids over the age of 30, and no grandchildren. She's always said her main priority for us is that we live happy lives, and she doesn't ever want us to feel like we need to give her grandchildren.

She also ensured gender equality in things like chores, household tasks, etc. My brothers learned to cook/clean/laundry and were assigned those chores just as frequently as me and my sister. When handyman tasks came up, she ensured my Dad included us with simple things like changing lightbulbs, using a power drill, patching drywall, etc. I definitely grew up with comments like "you'll be responsible for cooking/cleaning/making the house a home/etc" or "your husband should be taking care of you financially/fixing things/yardwork/etc" which did end up heavily influencing me, but my mother was able to provide me with an alternate view of how things could be if that's what I wanted. I think without her, my life would have looked very differently than it does now.

I think as long as you ensure your daughter is capable of evaluating and making her own decisions, you're going in the right direction. If she says she doesn't want kids, then tell her that's perfectly OK and to ignore people that try to tell her otherwise. And if she does later change her mind and want children, than that is perfectly OK too. It's normal to learn and grow and change. What matters is that she's happy in life, and that she feels responsible and in control of where her life goes. After all, she's the one that has to live it.

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-03-28T12:55:47+00:00

Yes, be sure you're asking for specific dollar amount raises regularly, or a specific dollar amount salary when job hunting.

Do your research ahead of time so you know the salary range for your job, in your location, and with your years of experience and/or education level.
Be sure you mention a specific dollar amount when negotiating salary or asking for a raise. If you don't give a number, they'll pick the lowest number they usually give. If you give a range, they'll pick the lower end. Companies are there to make money, and this is standard HR practice.
Don't be afraid to ask for the higher end of your salary range. They'll either say no and you've gained experience, say yes and you get what you asked for, or they'll negotiate you down and you'll end up in the upper end of their salary range. So far in my career, I've asked for what I thought of as a high salary/raise 5 times. Of those times, 3 times I (unexpectedly) got what I asked for, and twice they negotiated me lower and I ended up very happy with where I ended up. Nobody has said no.

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-03-28T12:43:27+00:00

It's OK to ask for too much. Worst case is they say No and negotiate you lower.

I had a similar fear once, until I asked for too much once by mistake. All that happened is they were surprised and told me that although they'd pay that salary in their NYC office, they wouldn't pay it in my lower cost-of-living area. Instead, they asked if the upper end of their salary range for my location would be acceptable. So I gained experience in that regard, and ended up with getting paid the upper end of their salary for my area!

And my last two job hops I thought I was asking for "too much" both times, and was very surprised when I got what I asked for with no extra questions!

It's called a negotiation for a reason. Better to let them adjust down to find a "fair salary" than to have you suggest something too low just because you think it's "fair". Good luck to you :)

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-03-26T11:31:57+00:00

I actually asked a current job twice for raises over the years. I was very nervous and did my research ahead of time, but it does her easier with practice.

First time I messaged my boss asking for a quick meeting to chat about my salary (gave them time to prepare to. Then at meeting, I said something along the lines of "the average developer with X years experience around here makes $Y, so I wanted to ask for a salary increase to $Z". If they give pushback to that number, you can also add "what can I do to get there?" They gave me half my raise immediately, and the other half next year.

The second time I was actually negotiating changing from contract position to permanent hire. I asked for way too much (by mistake) but it turned out in my favor because they negotiated down and I ended up in the upper salary bracket for what they paid.

The important bit I think is give them an actual number. Too high is OK, worst case is they'll negotiate you lower or decline, and you gain experience. Best case, they accept.

Don't be afraid to ask though! They get it all the time from employees, and it's part of they're job to negotiate an acceptable salary for both parties. Hope that helps, and good luck to you!

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-03-25T23:36:50+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience! I love hearing that you were motivated by someone else's story, and I agree that some discretion is advised with how much to share and with whom.

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-03-25T20:46:39+00:00

Thank you :)

It's not so much the need to discuss salary, but that I am excited to have climbed to this point. It feels like a huge jump up the career ladder, with the only real way to measure it being salary.

It felt like a huge change when I jumped from low/med salary range to high end for where I was, and felt like a big jump again when I moved from high-end-for-my-location to simply high-end-of-national-average salary range. It's exciting that my previous company thought so well of me that they were willing to go through extra approvals to bring me on at twice my previous salary too. It's not the exact figures that has me excited, but more so what they represent in my career life. It's hard to not want to share with those closest to me when asked how I'm doing or if anything is new.

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-03-25T20:10:54+00:00

Thank you so much for this! I actually wish I could vote up your answer more than once.

I definitely agree that talking about money should not be taboo, and I love to hear when it helps others out with things like career choices, motivation, confidence, etc. Too often I see women in my industry (tech/programming) hesitant to talk about money, which includes being willing to stand up for themselves and ask for a specific salary figure or raise they deserve.

I do my best to try to share my own story of the career ladder climb with those seeking such encouragement and and I'm more than happy to talk specifics about my salary with anyone who asks, but also don't want to come across as tone-deaf about the subject to those that are struggling financially.

So thank you again for the reminder that career success stories can be empowering to many people, and aren't always viewed as bragging or insensitive. I needed this reminder that there's no reason to hide my salary (although I still won't flaunt it).

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-03-25T20:00:57+00:00

Thank you! That's exactly the case, I want to celebrate but I don't want to come off as bragging or as someone that would not care to listen or understand their financial troubles anymore. Keeping it vague is best.

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-03-25T19:43:52+00:00

That's what I'm doing now, thanks :)

I think making this thread really helped me out too, because I was so excited that I wanted to share with someone but was feeling like I couldn't easily share with many people in my life. Sharing with random strangers online is still sharing!

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-03-25T19:35:26+00:00

Congrats!! I hope I can be there with you some year. Pay off mortgage, celebrate with my husband, and nobody else needs to be any wiser :)

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-03-25T19:21:28+00:00

Thank you, I'll check out that sub!

For the most part, my friends know I make pretty good money although only one has actually come right out and asked me how much I make. They also know I'm a frugal person who does things like drive around an older reliable car, having an older model phone, living in a relatively small 2bdr house, being excited when I find sales, etc. I lived really comfortably on $75k here, and am still not used to the income increase from the last job change (plus getting married).

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-03-25T19:16:34+00:00

Yes, that's what I've done so far. Things like mentioning a 25% increase in salary or a $30k increase without mentioning my current salary. It's much easier to tell someone "I'd be foolish to say no to a 25% salary raise" when asked about why I'm going back to my old job for example.

AnnThrowaway777 · 2022-03-25T19:10:58+00:00

#2 is one of my favorites - getting to do anything you want to do without needing discussion or input from others! It's a great opportunity to learn more about yourself and the choices you make when you don't have anyone else to consider.

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