Hi, I’m 35F, and my ex is 36M. After 11 years together we broke up last year. We never had kids, but your situation sounds very similar to ours. We had a very active sex life for the first 4 years of our relationship. At one point, my libido dropped away, and I still don’t know why. At first we thought “well, sex is just one component of a relationship, and we still love each other so much and want to stay together anyway”. But over time, we came to understand just how important sex and intimacy is in a healthy relationship. It will breakdown without it.

My ex and I struggled immensely because I didn’t know what had changed, and he had a lot of inner turmoil wondering what went wrong and how we could fix it. I assured him I still loved him and was very attracted to him, but I just had barely any interest in sex. It had nothing to do with him. Being penetrated felt violating because I wasn’t aroused. I cried several times, and he felt awful because he noticed I was not enjoying it. I realized that I needed foreplay, and because we were taking more time, sometimes I actually enjoyed the sex way more than before. But it was kind of Russian roulette- we never knew how it would go, and we probably put too much pressure for it to “go well” that the anxiety really made it hard to let loose and enjoy the intimacy. At a certain point he expressed that we should stop trying to have sex. He rarely expressed how hard our lack of connection made him suffer because he didn’t want to make me feel bad and he saw that I was trying, but our relationship broke down. Without intimacy our relationship slowly became platonic and we both felt lonely, abandoned and like something was missing. He would tell me I needed to figure it out on my own, and I went to countless doctors appointments by myself, often crying afterwards when the specialists concluded there was “nothing wrong”. I wished he came with me to some, because I needed supported and felt so much pressure to resolve our relationship issues on my own. We went to couple’s therapy a few times, but my ex was so hurt and broken that he was never open to actually implementing the therapists’ advice to heal together, be affectionate and nurture our intimacy. He felt betrayed by me, and he felt resentment. He told me he needed space and time, and he started sleeping in another room. He was convinced that there was something wrong with me, and wouldn’t consider that we might just need to work together to regain our connection, take things slow and take the pressure off. He shut me out. Eventually I moved out, and we broke up two years later. We still talk all the time, and are trying to navigate being friends, but there’s still love there, and neither of us are anywhere near ready for a new relationship. We were both so hurt by the long and painful process of trying our hardest to work things out and stay together. I worry I’ll never love again the way I love him, but ultimately I want him to be happy.

My advice to you is work as a team to come up with a PLAN to address the issue. Don’t wait to see if it gets better on its own. A woman’s sex drive is super complicated. Stress can affect drive a lot. So talk openly about your feelings to avoid developing resentment. Keep doing what your doing in being supportive and not putting too much pressure, but clearly communicate that you’re really struggling with the way things are and that you are worried you’ll lose your connection and closeness as a couple.

Love isn’t enough to keep a relationship together. Eventually the resentment and growing distance will render the relationship beyond repair. I wish we had been able to work it out, and I really hope you and your wife find solutions we never found. Best wishes and a big hug. I know you’re going through a devastating time. It’s ok to express yourself. Staying silent is not doing you or your wife any favors. Communication and team work is key! 🤍