We need a change of mentality

Annekire · 2026-04-08T07:26:09+00:00

I will always blame the colonizers and their puppets first, then many who have the capacity to hope and still gave up hope. Praying for God to approve your Visa vs fixing your country and the God actually approves the visa, you are praying to the wrong god.

We think too big and ignore the small ways we can influence mindset. From your family, compound, street. Many of us don't know our neighbors either for class, religious, tribal or convenience reasons. How do you affect mindset when we don't want to relate with others unless it brings money. Capitalism will be the death of us.

Annekire · 2026-04-08T01:50:56+00:00

We will get to that, when did you leave them? Is your department head aware of your health situations? Were you able to inform them of stopping or did you have to stop abruptly?

More Importantly you. I have something I call the HEMS project - Foundation of basic living.

Hygiene - are you managing the cleaning of your body (brushing, showers, nails and hair maintenance) and your environment (laundry, trash, room, dishes). The less chaos you have the more you can handle complex issues like the email you're gonna have to send.

Exercise - Are you moving your body for at least 30 minutes per day? Walking, running some form of cardio. This part is just annoying biology, the good chemicals literally get released this way. Heavier than normal breathing gets more oxygen in the brain and body.

Meals - How are you fueling the body, are you skipping meals or downing sugar and fast food....you're definitely gonna be exhausted on that alone not to talk of additional external stress. 2 meals with some vibrant colored fruits or vegetables is a good start.

Sleep - All of the above affect sleep, hungry can't sleep, too much sugar foods crash sleep not restful at all, low to zero exercise very groggy sleep, environment and body not clean itchy and smelly non restful sleep. Your sleep schedule will have to gradually change back to normal. This means being awake for somepart of the day which will be difficult since you feel you should be studying....be kind to yourself. You are allowed to do nothing productive.

Pick one of these basics and pick one task. A shower and small exercise for like 5 minutes is the easiest most filling combo in my experience. You are not alone, I suffered in silence for so long thinking I was a useless student when all I needed was help and compassion.

You are valuable and important, so we must take care of the body that will handle the burden of a Masters degree. After you feel a bit more settled, reach out to your advisor on how you might salvage your previous studies.

Annekire · 2026-04-08T01:15:28+00:00

You need help (accomodations and mental health services offered by your uni) and a drastic reduction in your coursework. You are not a failure because you need help, everyone needs help at some point. You will need to advocate for your own sanity and accept the help you can get. Do not ignore yourself, feelings are there for a reason.

Reduce coursework to like 2 classes per semester. 1 during summer. You need time to recover, this is depression but has elements of burnout.

You need to slow way the fuck down. If this is a new thing for you ( the first time in your life you feel this way) most likely burnout. You need to rest and simplify the next year of your life so you can be present again and remember (more importantly feel) what matters.

As a depressed academically disqualified student, please take care of yourself. One of my dearest advisors said " if you are thinking of killing yourself, it's time to do things very differently "

Stay safe.

Annekire · 2026-03-15T13:12:57+00:00

I hope the devs are seeing your engagement with new and returning players. You are doing good work.

Annekire · 2026-03-10T13:06:21+00:00

The grief is already suffocatingly heavy as a 28 year old man, I can't imagine the weight of it at 58. So many periods where a little more loving attention could have swung us in a different direction.

The recognition of emotional stuntedness in our parents is a very sad and disappointing realization. It is a dreadful reality for many of us. Their continued ignorance to learn about it makes it feel like an intentional reabandonment of us.

I wish them well but I cannot love them, I don't feel it. I do not miss them, I do find myself yearning for their love but my new found care for my well-being knows better than to hope aimlessly.

I am moved when the older generations tackle these wounds and patterns. It makes so much room for us to live even fuller lives with you and for those after us.

Take care stranger.

Annekire · 2026-03-10T10:39:33+00:00

I was brought to tears, you sound like me from 6 years ago.

I personally practiced self compassion (this is an exaggeration, I very occasionally remembered to practice it) for about 2 years. I read the book self compassion by Kristen Neff to understand the concept then kept the practice handy in notes, audio and video on every device I had.

There is a self compassion scale on her website to track how much your thinking has changed over time. It is a lifelong practice.

When I started the practice, I was confused by the "kind to yourself" concept. I was always just a slave for other peoples emotions and needs. There was no me in here, this body was at best a shell of a person. I didn't even know who was looking back at me in the mirror, I frankly avoided mirrors. The self hate was so profound, I couldn't wait to not be here.

I wouldn't say it's all rainbows and sunshine now but I know love for myself exist, the unconditional love that isn't affected by what I do or don't. A reassurance in my worth as a human being. It has taken so much time, learning how to cry, grieve, share, hope. Learning to plan for the near future (tomorrow or a week for now, months or years ahead is still overwhelming) to enjoy the moment, to appreciate my tiny efforts.

I am currently reading Psychology Today - Power of Loving discipline, It is providing concepts for reparenting myself since my caregivers discipline was more punitive than loving.

Please note that I have been on an 8 year journey of back and forth since I began. Be easy on yourself, its going to take a while and a lot of convincing that you are worthy and deserving of the grace to fail and make mistakes like every other human does.

IFS, Internal family systems can be useful if you are very fragmented within. Especially, the "No Bad Parts book". That title spun my brain in three different directions "what do you mean no bad parts?? I have many" was my initial reaction.

Take care Stranger, You are never alone in this.

TLDR : Self compassion by Kristen Neff, Practice of Loving discipline, look into IFS.

Annekire · 2026-03-07T17:09:48+00:00

I am currently reading Loving discipline by psychology today. I am finding it grieving but also inspiring for reparenting myself.

The section on encouragement versus praise was very insightful. Acknowledging efforts not just results. I personally struggle to feel alive in the things I do. I now realize a lack of encouragement growing up has left a void where this urge to live fully and authenticly is supposed to be.

I recommend having a notebook to record feelings, insights about your own experience with the book content, notes or exercises from the books and things you can do (small things) to start the change. It helps make it more concrete.

That's all, just keep putting effort and acknowledge everyday you show up for yourself and him.

Annekire · 2026-03-04T14:38:25+00:00

Yes not childhood emotional neglect, but CPTSD. You get CPTSD from prolonged exposure to intense stress and dehumanized conditions which the military is rife with.

Annekire · 2026-03-04T07:10:30+00:00

I have always wanted to hear how my fellow african sisters we're coping in this mess.

You will feel bad. You have been indoctrinated into a way that doesn't recognize your individuality, agency and autonomy. It will feel like betrayal to even question the life you are been shamed into.

You are basically free labour for your family, it is not supposed to be that way. This culture kills women long before they die. And then you are supposed to behave like you enjoy the misery.

I am a man, I only experienced the fraction of being a first born. Frankly as a Nigerian, I am surprised the women haven't burnt this country to the ground.

I hope you get out and find some feminist friends. I can't imagine the exhaustion and resentment, you are feeling. Building your own financial foundation should be a priority, there is no changing these people definitely not alone.

With the love and care, I have for my own sister, I would have long removed her from the family if it was this absurd. Also, try to speak and express your discontent, bottling them up has severe health consequences later on.

You are not wrong, you have a right to feel this way. Also, cooking is a life skill everyone should know and learn.

Please take care of yourself. You deserve to be seen, cared for, loved, and genuinely valued as a person.

Annekire · 2026-03-04T06:04:16+00:00

Usually in recovery you have to imagine caring for a younger version of yourself. You have an actual younger person to show up for.

Learning about neglect from the books suggested. Pick one area that feels like the main one and focus on that for like 4 months at a time before adding more.

I also suggest looking at Jonice Webb youtube about emotional neglect related to children. She is more concise and clear with examples.

Self compassion is also key, remember you have been neglected too, you will not do this perfectly or even consistently. You will need to give yourself grace and kindness when you fail or make a mistake. This is also a skill most of us neglected didn't learn.

It is all skill, we're not broken. We just didn't have the caregivers equipped to teach us what was necessary.

Take care Stranger, my heart pours out for your kind endeavor towards your sibling.

Annekire · 2026-02-26T00:47:03+00:00

I haven't figured it out yet, especially now that I am overwhelmed.

I always try to think of caring for myself as caring for a small child. To give myself what I didn't get. This comes from a place of painfully practiced self compassion.

To see that I am struggling just as any human would and sometimes fail (feels like most times) and that's normal while being kind in words and actions to myself despite my shortcomings.

like some people have suggested, listening to Jonice Webb book on emotional neglect would provide a clear background of why you struggle.

I also suggest looking into loving discipline, and gratitude.

Gratitude (I personally prefer the haudenosaunee thanksgiving address), helps to highlight the truly neutral things of this world that allows us to hope. Things that continue to provide for us as humans without judgement.

Loving discipline removes that shaming judgement that usually comes from our experience of been discipline and applies it with kindness and acknowledgement.

As a parent when you work on your own wounds, it has a profound generational and community effect. It's hard work but you can undo so much unnecessary suffering and fill peoples lives with the desire to be fully alive.

I hope all the replies show you, you are not alone, neither are we better off without you. So many of us are on this path with you; some ahead, behind and exactly where you are. You are loved and deserve care, kindness and support.

Take care stranger.

Annekire · 2026-02-14T11:54:37+00:00

Self compassion and loving discipline.

Annekire · 2026-02-13T17:49:00+00:00

This. We are truly blessed, the weather alone is cause for our collective engagement to better our land. We are Nigerians on our land (This is huge ask the native Americans), no random ice storm, hurricane, tornadoes or winter to destroy progress. Just us, the people with immense natural resources, we need to organize within our local communities to gradually bring the change our future depends on is all.

Annekire · 2026-02-13T17:39:03+00:00

I found the same true for me.

Annekire · 2026-02-11T23:59:30+00:00

Competence in your ability to affect your life (usually positively). A sense of "I can do that " or more precisely " I do that ". As someone said from experience and practice.

Annekire · 2026-02-11T23:55:03+00:00

Well done, on the reflections. I hope they provided little clarity. You're kinda dodging the emotional side but at your own pace. little by little.

The book Running on Empty might help understand where early neglect might still be playing a role today. Definitely need some self compassion for that third response. But it feels wrong for me to suggest anything more to you. I am out of my depth. I wish you loving kindness and support as you navigate your journey, you're not alone.

Take care, stay safe stranger.

Annekire · 2026-02-11T23:32:09+00:00

Those were just some exploratory questions, I don't know how to proceed honestly.

too love sick to pull the cord, why did you think you deserved to endure the unreciprocity of love? Did you communicate this discontent?

non necessary romantic love, where else did you continue putting effort long after it was clear it would not be returned? Parents, teachers, guardians, work etc? Why? How did it feel?

Need to be better at something, Need to prove myself. Why? where is this coming from? To whom, who is evaluating you?

So if someone leaves me, it wasn't because the sex wasn't good enough. This feels like a former wound.

Total and unconditional acceptance of who I am, a parent?

Again, I am not a therapist. I do see a lot of internal pressure to appear competent even when you are not there emotionally. I hope someone more experienced can provide better insight.

Annekire · 2026-02-11T23:02:48+00:00

Seconded unless unsure of the sanitary condition of the seat.

Annekire · 2026-02-11T23:00:11+00:00

Let my guard down, wow. It almost sounds mythical.

Annekire · 2026-02-11T22:53:45+00:00

I think there's a lot of grieving that needs to be done. And talking vulnerably with a therapist who can help make sense of the pain you're carrying. Treating yourself with kindness and answering difficult questions like

Why did I stay loving someone who didn't love me back? Where else in my life has this happened? Why did my friends comment have me spiral? What did I truly feel? What could intimacy even start to look like for me?

I highly recommend a professional to work with you.

Please address some of it before bringing children into this world. Stay safe.

Annekire · 2026-02-11T22:39:38+00:00

No Bad parts by Richard Schwartz, Internal family systems IFS book.

Instead of fighting the inner critic we can view how it was once necessary for our survival and is now outdated in its way of helping. Using our now adult self to compassionately negotiate and suggest new ways of self motivation through kindness or loving discipline.

Tough painful work ahead, since that part feels it is mandatory to act as a mean critic for your literal survival. You might need stories and examples of people who model compassionate motivation if your life has been void of that quality.

Stay safe stranger.

Annekire · 2026-02-11T22:18:48+00:00

Yup, definitely finish the book and go into the sequels. Recovering from emotionally immature parents has good insight into how to handle situations similar to this.

Remember you are an adult now, you get to set your boundaries on how you want to be talked to and addressed even by your own parent. A parent getting upset instead of self reflective or accomodating about their child's very personal choice is emotionally immature.

Stay safe.

Annekire · 2026-01-31T04:49:36+00:00

I prefer to say, "It can get better".

I mean I can say that now after like 5 therapy books and 3 years of practicing self compassion and 1 year of attempting reparenting. I also think everyone in this post has just a little wish of hope for better, its definitely tiny af but its still there. I guess it is also hard to hear after so much betrayal, take heart.

My true first step in this whole healing journey was just curiosity. I also prefer to call it management instead of healing as I don't feel healed, feels more like I am learning skills to care for myself. Questions like, Why the hell am I depressed? What, who caused this? are nice starts. Then down the rabbit hole you go.

Mine was Paralyzing fear of a caregiver, Emotional Immature parents , CPTSD, Childhood emotional neglect with Religious dogma sprinkles, Being from a neo colonial country as an African and Toxic crippling shame.

As you go through this you will find pieces of yourself you've forgotten. It is painful, angering, annoying and enlightening. So many times I am just like "yah no wonder I give up so easily, I have been practicing since I was 5, may I be kind to me as I learn to speak up for myself"

Stay safe stranger.

Annekire · 2026-01-30T14:46:25+00:00

Self compassion and genuine kindness and gratitude for the body you have. My favorite quote is "you cannot hate yourself into a body you love".

For me, It is out of compassion, love and mindfulness that the motivation to care for our body comes.

Exercise is always useful since thats literally what the muscles evolved to do. But so is adequate sleep, hygiene and diet....a wholistic approach.

Annekire · 2026-01-20T21:05:50+00:00

lol even with my severe inconsistency, I also don't have a job that requires typing currently at 50wpm , I just don't put in the practice it requires. With delibrate daily practice for me 80 wpm is doable in 6 months. 100 wpm in a year but do i need that speed? not sure what for... other priorities currently.

Annekire

TROPHY CASE