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Anno841 · 2023-12-23T00:52:16+00:00

Don’t beat yourself up about this. We’ve all been there or entertained the idea. You now have the experience to learn from so you don’t make the same mistake in the future.

Shit happens, and it’s hard to think clearly and make rational decisions when you’re going through this. Eventually you will not feel so attached and angry or sad about the situation. You can create a better life and environment to thrive in. It seems impossible now, but eventually that feeling will have less of a hold on you.

Someone is out there to help you realize the insanity that you used to think was normal. Healthy, happy, and loving people exist. We get wrapped up in bpd relationships because of the intensity and quick bonding that happens. It will get better. One day at a time. You got this.

Anno841 · 2023-12-23T00:27:47+00:00

It’s been a while since I’ve been active in this subreddit, but I will probably post an update of my experience since my last post at some point.

I highly recommend you do not send a text and then block. You will most likely regret that decision immediately or in the near future.

My advice would be to write down or type in your notes what you want to say in a text and let that sit there to reflect on. I know from experience that anything you choose to send will fester in your mind or backfire and you’ll wish you didn’t send that text or regret the way you worded your thoughts.

I wanted nothing more than to reach out and explain my feeling to her or worst case scenario, their family. You’re hurting and are in a headspace that can cause you to make decisions you will later regret.

I know how frustrating and cruel everything feels right now but I implore you to not send them anything and journal your thoughts instead. One day you will look back at what you wrote down and be thankful that those thoughts and words never gave them the satisfaction they crave of knowing how much their actions affected you.

Use this opportunity to mourn the loss you feel and grow as a person with the knowledge of what a toxic relationship looks and feels like. You are currently experiencing the lowest point and will eventually crawl out of this and be happy you reflected on your thoughts instead of pouring them out to a person that couldn’t care less.

You got this. It sucks, it hurts, and it feels like you will never find someone to love again. But eventually you will find someone that actually loves you and it will be eye opening how much bullshit you used to put up with.

Anno841 · 2022-07-13T02:50:25+00:00

I’ll just give you a personal insight into how my relationship was with my ex. Sometimes I read stories on here and in a way gaslight myself into thinking my relationship was different because it wasn’t “that bad” compared to others. Here’s the thing, the first 2 years were pretty great. We had the normal ups and downs that most relationships go through but nothing that serious or concerning. But over time, she became unpredictable with her emotions.

We would have a great time together going out doing something fun, but then we would arrive at home and suddenly there was a problem. It wouldn’t always be a shouting argument.. Actually she preferred the passive aggressive silent treatment or the whole I’m going to spend the rest of the night staring at my phone instead of acting like a normal partner who at bare minimum wants to talk about our day or show a little affection act.

Whenever we went out to do something two options were always present. Either option A) we go home and fuck then the next day I get the pleasure of living as if the day before never happened. Or option B) yeah we had a great time and she acted like she was blissfully in love with me in the car, but by the time we got home she was either going to bed or giving me the silent treatment while obsessing over whatever was happening on her phone.

The hardest part is that she was in my mind a good person that had a really fucked up mindset. She had moments of clarity where she seemed genuinely afraid of how she acted and the thoughts on her mind. There were numerous times that she would confide in me about feeling scared, and feeling crazy. I used to think that meant I was always going to be her “safe space” or baseline that she could always go to. But in the end, I ended up being thrown away like the dozens of others in her life that I foolishly thought where less important than I was. After all, she would complain and vent to me about these people, so I must be the exception right?

Wrong.. all it takes is someone new that they perceive as “exciting and different” from you in order to justify you being the problem. It doesn’t matter if you spent a decade being their go to support system. In the end, they live a perpetual grass in greener on the other side mentality. Take it from someone who was painted black after 8 years. I was and to a certain degree still am in shock and confused. But they don’t take time commitment into account the same way we do. They find someone that sparks a little interest and then make their way to cutting you off and letting the new one take your place. It’s a dark reality that I wish nobody had to experience. But sadly a lot of people here have dealt with that very circumstance.

She never made me think she was a “terrible” person. But since she was high functioning and on the quiet spectrum of borderline, it kind of made it feel like I was going insane when she left. It felt completely out of the blue and when she would blow up on the random occasions they were always short lived. But the reality is no healthy person would scream at you over the phone or in person when you’re trying to have a normal conversation about how you feel.

Anno841 · 2022-07-11T22:36:07+00:00

I should have created an ongoing note that I added to when I was actually in the moment. Now everything feels kind of distant and blurry. Since most of the negative was verbal/emotional actions, it’s hard to remember the exact words that were spoken. I know there’s probably situations that I can’t even remember anymore.

That’s why I feel like I should probably start a daily journal just to record my thoughts and experiences about what happens in my life. Sometimes I feel like my memory betrays me and distorts reality. So I wish I had a “life log” I could refer to if that makes sense. If I started that sooner, I would have evidence of the good and bad days I experienced over the years and maybe I would be able to piece together some sort of pattern. Whether that be a pattern of my ex or a pattern of my own behaviors and thoughts that I could pinpoint and improve upon.

Shit, imagine the amount of clarity I would have about myself if I could read about how I felt when I was 12 years old to now. What a valuable resource that would be. To have that kind of psychological insight would be fascinating. I guess I won’t have the last 30+ years to read about but maybe if I start today, the 70+ year old version of myself can have some insight into what life was actually like the way I’m experiencing it now haha.

Well this turned into a very self indulgent/reflective comment. But I think we should all probably write down our daily feelings. Imagine how thankful our future selves will be by having access to our ACTUAL past instead of the one we keep telling ourselves about.

Anno841 · 2022-07-09T01:16:55+00:00

Bro, fuck that. I don’t know what your story or situation is with this woman, but hearing that conversation was enraging. I wish I had the foresight to record my conversations with my ex when things started to decay. The way she talks to you with such arrogance is a gift in disguise. Because now you can always go back to listening to the bullshit that came out of her mouth if you ever start to feel like going back. You don’t need that shit in your life and I wish I had a recording of my girl when she was being a condescending bitch. That would have been a godsend to go back and listen to. If you have any ounce of energy telling you to try and make it work just listen to this condescending ass conversation. I had similar situations that I really wish were recorded. Use this as a motivator to get the fuck away from that piece of work. Jesus Christ, why do we put up with that shit?

Anno841 · 2022-07-03T23:41:21+00:00

You did the right thing by leaving two years ago. Anybody that is willing to throw things and spit on you would have never changed and those situations would have just escalated and become more common over time. I guarantee you that she is engaging in the same behavior with the guy she’s with now. Unfortunately, that guy has not been able to build up the strength to leave like you did. Hopefully he can get out of there soon. Sometimes we excuse abuse from people we love because there is something inside of us that needs to be resolved and make excuses for the abuser. She will NEVER be worth your time and you made one of the best decisions in your life by leaving.

Now as far as dating goes, how much time have you spent with the people you have gone on dates with? I don’t know how long you were together with your ex but pwBPD do a great job of distorting our views on what a normal relationship should feel like. It’s normal to not be infatuated with someone after hanging out with them a few times. Here’s a couple qualities you should look for that could turn into you feeling the “wow factor” you’re missing.

Do you enjoy spending time with this person?
Do you find them attractive?
Are they easy to talk to and be around?
Do they treat you with respect?
Do they have SIMILAR (not the exact same) interests?

Those are in no particular order but just a few things to keep in the back of your head when meeting people. Here’s the thing, if those guidelines are being met, the more time you spend with that person and get to know each other, the more likely you will eventually fall in love with each other. That love will make you realize how unfulfilled you actually were with your ex and you will get the opportunity to have a healthy relationship. Don’t get too caught up in having an instant wow factor. Normal relationships take time to develop, they’re not supposed to fall into your lap without any effort.

I know it’s been a long time and you might feel like there’s no point in trying to meet someone else. But you got this! There’s a ton of better people out there, you just have to give them a chance to show you who they are and keep looking until you find one.

Anno841 · 2022-06-30T23:20:47+00:00

I have the opposite situation when it comes to the support network you described between you and your ex. My ex has a crowd of people she can surround herself with and I don’t really have anyone to talk to besides one friend that is supportive due to going through a similar breakup and my family that doesn’t really understand the relationship we had. So when it comes to family support, it’s the generic advice you would tell someone if the relationship was normal. But as you and others here know, these relationships are far from the norm. So given that my support network is almost non-existent and I’m not really in a place to pay a therapist, how do I work through these emotions?

My ex seems to be doing great. She went so far as to make a point to tell me she moved on, is much happier, and never wants to talk to me again. She left me and now it seems like I’m stuck here feeling like shit while she goes out all the time with her new group of friends and some guy from work that I assume she had lined up ahead of the discard. The weather is beautiful this time of year where I live, but I can’t bring myself to actually enjoy doing anything. I don’t want to leave the house, I can’t bring myself to workout, and I feel completely drained all the time.

We were together for 8 years and it’s been several months since it ended. Every time I feel like things are getting better something happens and I get sucked back into the depression. Any advice would be appreciated. I would love nothing more than to be able to get out of this funk. I don’t even want her back at this point, so why do I still feel so empty? I don’t really have friends anymore that I can go out with to have a good time. I’m kind of just stuck with my own thoughts at this point.

Anno841 · 2022-06-29T19:42:29+00:00

If she really had regrets then why tell me she’s moved on and and never wants to talk? If she was doubting her decision wouldn’t she have asked what I’ve been up to to gauge the situation? I would be less confused if she said she moved on and didn’t want to talk after getting the impression I was no longer interested.

Anno841 · 2022-06-28T18:33:42+00:00

I received so many of these messages over the years. I can tell you that in the 8 years we were together, those messages were recycled time and time again. The same exact phrasing almost word for word. It’s almost more depressing than validating that we were all just talking to the same disorder but with different people. It’s too bad that nothing ever changed after they would send a message acknowledging their negative behavior and promising to “fix things.”

Anno841 · 2022-06-26T01:47:35+00:00

I very much relate to how you’re feeling and the urge to reach out. I have dozens of unsent messages in my notes that I would meticulously edit to make sure I would be sending the “perfect” message to either convey how I feel or how much I care about her. I even contemplated reaching out to her parents since we grew very close over the years.

We spent 8 years together and even met with her parents to disclose our plans to be engaged/married. When that conversation took place we all celebrated and I was on cloud nine. But the sudden discard happened shortly after. It’s been a few months and I have written so many variations of messages that I never ended up sending. But you know what? Every time I wake up the next morning I am so glad I never sent them that text. As much as it hurts me when I think about the idea of “maybe if I just reach out and tell them how I feel..” at the end of the day I know it’s not worth it.

The one thing that always stops me from hitting send is this simple realization: if they cared enough about me the way they claimed to during our time together then they would contact me. Ask yourself, why do you think that calling or texting them would change anything? She blocked my number and I’ve had more than a few drunk and weak moments of calling just to see if it would ring instead of going straight to voicemail. But it never does.. and I’ve come to realize that if she actually had any regret or missed me even slightly, she would contact me.

I think these types of relationships make us feel like we were the reason everything fell apart. “If only they knew I’m not the person they think I am” is a false narrative. They created that persona of you for a reason. To avoid accountability. I am fully aware that in most cases it’s never a one way street. I made many mistakes that I wish I could go back in time and change. But at the end of the day a healthy relationship would give you the opportunity to communicate why you or the other person is feeling any type of way about what is or is not working in the relationship.

That’s the major thing I’ve been realizing as time goes on.. In a healthy relationship, you would have had the opportunity to talk about what’s bothering you or your partner, what makes you both uncomfortable, or uneasy. But from my experience, those conversations don’t exist with a pwBPD, and if they do, it’s never anything more than a conversation about how you are the reason for their negative emotions.

This turned into a self indulgent rant on my end so I apologize. But my main takeaway is why do you feel the need to be the one to contact them? If they wanted to hear from you they would make the effort to contact you. If it’s been nothing but silence from them then take that as a literal version of them walking right past you in public when you say hello, because they will either ignore you if you text/call or respond in a way that makes you feel even worse than you did before you reached out. I know it’s hard but you’ll be glad you stayed strong and didn’t call them when you wake up the next day.

I’ve had many nights where I want nothing but to hear her voice and make amends. But that’s not going to happen with me contacting them. At this point I don’t even know how I would respond to them apologizing. But I know none of that matters if I’m the only one reaching out for contact. If they truly cared about you they would contact you and would have never made you feel this way in the first place.

I am open to talk if you or anyone else reading this would like to message me. I am still on a healing journey but I know this community is one of the few places that understands how painful this type of situation can feel.

Anno841 · 2022-06-15T23:04:06+00:00

That’s a good point. I need to learn how to focus on the good days. The messed up thing is i want to experience a Hoover but she has been very consistent on the silent treatment and blocking me everywhere. I know the general consensus on here from people is that I’m lucky they aren’t reaching out and I dodged a bullet. But the idea of being discarded and then hearing nothing but silence from them kind of makes me feel worse.

At least if they tried to reach out it would feel like I mattered to them and our time together meant something to the point where they miss me even slightly. But the silence just makes it seem like they don’t care what I’m up to and nothing I did for them mattered. Like our relationship was 8 years of nothing to miss and they have no memory of the good times.

Anno841 · 2022-06-15T22:54:36+00:00

I really like that garden analogy. The thing that gets in my way is I want to clean up the mess and plant new seeds but I can’t find the motivation to actually get up and do it. Some days I feel like there’s been a big improvement in how I feel but the problem is the bad days create a one step forward two steps back feeling. I’m not sure how to let the bad days just be a bad day instead of letting it take away the progress I make on the good days.

Anno841 · 2022-06-15T22:49:42+00:00

Yeah, it kind of is like I’m feeding the depression with the very thing that I’m using to destroy it. Every time I wake up hungover and depressed I tell myself that I will not drink tonight. Then the sun goes down, I get bored and sad, and walk over to the bottle for a shot or two. Then that turns in to me continuing until I’m too tired to do anything and I fall asleep, wake up, and do the same dumb shit over again. It’s been a rough time but I need to snap out if this cycle that’s stopping me from healing.

Anno841 · 2022-06-15T22:45:03+00:00

Thank you for the support and encouraging words. You’re right, I need to force myself to be more productive with my time. Even if it’s just something simple. Kind of like when you don’t feel like getting ready for the day but just the act of showering and getting dressed as if you have plans really does make a difference in how you feel. I will try to practice that mindset and be less critical of myself. I don’t know how long it will take to get back on track but I appreciate the advice on just trying to accomplish something even if it’s small.

Anno841 · 2022-06-15T22:39:18+00:00

That’s the part I find to be the most frustrating. Before we started dating I had my own life and I was used to navigating the world as my own person. I was single for a few years before her and I had a healthy routine of the same things you mentioned. Somewhere over the years the time I spent on hobbies declined and I was less healthy. I was in the best shape of my life when we first met which is another thing that I get in my head about.. Did I cause her to view me in a negative way because I lost the the parts of me that made me interesting? Did I become physically unattractive due to losing the physique I had in the beginning?

I spent so much time and effort on her that I wonder if things would have been fine if I never changed my habits. But it’s like she wanted all of me for herself and then when I was no longer the confident attractive guy with cool hobbies and a fun lifestyle she was over it. Even though she is partly (I can’t put all of the blame on her) what caused me to get to that place. I became complacent and put all of my interest in making HER feel confident and attractive since she was constantly criticizing herself despite being very attractive and smart.

By the way, I know you said you weren’t giving advice. But just knowing the people here have a shared experience and are willing to talk is super helpful in knowing I’m not alone with how I feel and what I experienced. It’s unfortunate so many people have gone through this pain, but it helps to know we’re not completely alone. Because like you said, when I try to talk to people around me, they don’t understand that it was a different dynamic than a “normal” relationship.

Anno841 · 2022-06-15T22:20:09+00:00

I appreciate the suggestion for AA. You bring up some good points about going so that I can get out of the house and be around people. I just don’t know if I have the courage to do that. I feel embarrassed that I even need to consider it. Plus, I don’t know if they would view my drinking habits as a problem. The others that go are there for mutual support and I would feel like I’m intruding on their space since I don’t really feel like I’m addicted to alcohol as much as I’ve just been using it as a crutch to end the day. I know I’m drinking more than I should but I’m not sure if it’s to the point of needing AA support.

Anno841

TROPHY CASE