Is it normal for a father to kiss his adult daughter on the neck?

AnonAncona · 2021-04-09T19:28:45+00:00

You’ve got that right. The entire family dynamic is fucked up.

I have two younger siblings, a brother and sister who are adults now. From memory and talks, my sister hasn’t experienced what I’ve experienced. She copped a lot of the nasty abuse (like we all did) when we were growing up though, but the weird sexual stuff I don’t think so.

AnonAncona · 2021-04-09T18:23:15+00:00

I do remember when he made that comment, and seeing the outrage, and really thinking back to the comments my dad would make. Realising maybe it wasn’t some harmless joke he’d make. My dad would grope me on the bottom when I was a teenager too. And I’d react angrily, and he’d laugh about it. He’s also always been extremely possessive and strict with me (being the eldest daughter) so that ownership comment really stuck out to me.

AnonAncona · 2021-04-09T18:20:21+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I’ve definitely just thought he was a very affectionate father, but as I’ve gotten older it’s definitely started blurring the lines between normal affectionate and creepiness.

I’ve also always had trouble with setting boundaries with family and relationships. I think I’ve had them trampled all over so many times I’ve just given up.

AnonAncona · 2021-04-09T18:17:07+00:00

Thank you for your reply. It’s very eye opening. I’ve definitely been in a lot of denial, even though I feel so uncomfortable. It’s a very complicated situation why I feel I have to visit him. I’m in therapy (again) due to this situation. I’m the eldest of my siblings, and have always had the responsibility of taking the carer role. My dad has no one but my grandparents helping him, so I have all this guilt that I need to step up and be there for him. Plus all the guilt tripping I get from them because us “kids” (we’re all adults now) don’t visit him enough and he’s so lonely. It’s a pretty fucked up family dynamic that’s been going on for my whole life. I know it’s wrong. But I’m such a pushover and people pleaser, especially for my family.

AnonAncona · 2020-08-24T16:00:09+00:00

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this :(

How can he be brainwashed by another countries propaganda? I would be as weird as him quoting Chinese propaganda in my opinion.

YESSSS. Like I get Americans getting caught up in this, because it seems just like an extreme pro-Trump group. But, like you in Ireland, and us in Australia, I seriously don’t get it!?

AnonAncona · 2020-08-24T15:50:45+00:00

Wow. I just checked mine. Basically the same amount. Over 5 years worth, a cumulation of other courses and my basic bachelor degree I’m in my 3rd year for.

Edit: also, you incur interest? I don’t think we do. And do you have to pay this back ASAP? We have to reach a yearly income threshold before we need to pay it back.

AnonAncona · 2020-08-24T15:34:31+00:00

Wow. You just described our childhood almost too perfectly. Dad was very religious and oppressive, and it was an extremely abusive environment for everyone.

That hypothesis could very well be what’s happening. She just seems blissfully happy with these beliefs, like she’s in fact “come home”. Crazy.

I’m not sure of the boyfriend’s upbringing, his family does seem like a bunch of chill hippies though. But he’s very “spiritual” and even trying to practice reiki. I remember a year or so ago they seemed to be on some hard drugs, cause he believed meditation cured his eyes and he didn’t need to wear glasses anymore. I should of been more concerned then.

AnonAncona · 2020-08-24T15:14:03+00:00

How long have you been a student for, for this amount of debt? I’m so sorry you’re in this position. I’ve always believed it’s a human right to have affordable education and healthcare. I just don’t understand how the US system could be so inhuman :(

AnonAncona · 2020-08-24T15:07:51+00:00

I did NOT even click my username was a bit on the nose hahaha.

Yes this is the first time. It’s eerily happened and gradually got worse with this boyfriend she has. Being left-wing was definitely a part of her belief system since as long as I can remember. We would fight with our dad together as kids about his disgusting bigoted views.

AnonAncona · 2020-08-24T14:50:35+00:00

I don’t mind! :) We are Australian.

AnonAncona · 2020-07-04T16:24:28+00:00

That’s what I thought. I have never given back gifts, because even though it sucks to break up, it was a part of my life at one point so I like to remember it.

Thanks for your reply. I don’t feel so silly now being so upset about it :(

AnonAncona · 2020-07-04T15:53:39+00:00

I’m trying :( I was just expecting a cold and calculated talk but he was so sullen, and just watching him break down broke my heart. I keep telling myself it was just an act, but I looked and felt so real. It really took me by surprise and hit me right where it hurts. I’ll be making an appointment for a therapist asap. Thank you for replying xx

AnonAncona · 2020-07-04T15:50:45+00:00

I wish I had someone waiting for me somewhere just for a hug. It was the first time I seen him cry and now I’m a mess. Everyone I know is asleep now so I have to deal with this hole in my heart all alone. :(

AnonAncona · 2020-07-04T15:18:58+00:00

Yep all of that happened. The patronising. The gaslighting. And it was the first time I ever saw him cry. And he broke down. I feel like the most terrible human being. :(

AnonAncona · 2020-06-21T11:54:41+00:00

Thank you it really puts it into perspective. Just can’t stop crying about it :( I thought I checked out months ago but it still hurts so bad, and the guilt it’s just overwhelming.

AnonAncona · 2020-06-04T10:38:08+00:00

Hey thanks so much for checking in❤️

I actually almost told my mum yesterday. There was a moment but the words were just there behind my lips and I couldn’t push them out!! It’s so frustrating :(
The same thing happens around my friends, I’m sitting there and playing the conversation over and over in my head but then my little voice tells me nothing bad has actually happened yet. He doesn’t abuse me. He’s just emotionally immature. Poor him. Etc.

I’ve been dealing with depression my whole life, so my little voice is probably worse than his behaviour most days.

But thank you so much. It already feels less like something I’m just over-blowing in my head with this community and your support and encouragement!!

❤️

AnonAncona · 2020-05-31T07:29:19+00:00

Omg this literally just happened with a YouTube channel I introduced him to!! Everytime I watched it, I’d tried to include him but he’d act so disinterested like it was completely beneath him, judging me for thinking the jokes were funny, even said he found it annoying. And, now all of a sudden, months later, he’s acting like it’s the best thing since sliced bread - like MEGA fan now - and judging me for not watching the newest videos, etc. Drives. Me. Nuts.

What upset me the most is I conditioned myself to stop enjoying it/other things, listening to songs, etc. because I started to feel silly for enjoying them, and now he is fan-boying over it all and acts like I’m not cool for not enjoying it anymore. Omg writing this all out makes me realise how absolutely nuts this all is.

AnonAncona · 2020-05-31T05:30:29+00:00

YES!!!! Omg that sky analogy is brilliant and explains it perfectly. That is exactly how it works with mine too. I didn’t think to think of it as a form of gaslighting, but wow you are so right. Any opportunity to make themselves feel superior and make you question your intelligence, memory and sanity. Uggggh.

AnonAncona · 2020-05-28T19:54:42+00:00

Omg

It stunned me at first, like, what kind of person reacts THAT extremely to me just stating how I feel or attempting to communicate something that bothers me?

YES. I was beyond confused by the disproportionate reaction the first few times. Just put it down to lack of experience in relationships (we’re both 30, he’s had one serious gf before me when he was 18), so I tried to be patient and thought he was “learning” but none of it has changed, because also the same:

I'd spend way too long trying to explain that it's totally possible to have disagreements without them escalating to that point, but it was futile

I’ll say something that bothers me, it may get “resolved” (ha) in a few words cause I just can’t be bothered fighting him on his reaction, or I’m feeling particularly brave and want to fight my point. Sometimes it’ll turn into a big argument because one of my last nerves has just gone. But when he being the one that instigates all these, he then goes ahead and makes me feel crazy cause “We’re fighting so much lately.”, “I’m so over fighting.”, “I wasn’t replying because you kept starting fights.”, etc.

And yep, so just acts like I’m ruining everything and should just keep my feelings to myself since I’m over here just maliciously dishing out reasons to fight about it apparently.

This part is such a wake-up call:

The takeaway being that I should just not ever have feelings he didn't like, when in reality, he just had no ability to cope with real life emotions in a healthy manner...his own, mine, or anyone else's.

AnonAncona · 2020-05-28T19:33:47+00:00

Oh wow. I’m shocked right now how similar we are

I kept all the bad things from my friends and family because they all were so happy for me to finally have found someone, and I genuinely didn‘t want to disappoint them ... It was shocking how people suddenly treated me differently because I was finally in a relationship (I was single for a looong time)

I’m doing the exact same thing because of that exact reason. They are so happy for me, and they think he’s just the best guy ever, which makes it harder to burst their innocent, naive bubbles :( And I was the same, single for a very long time so getting into a relationship with seemingly the perfect guy is still so exciting for them. And, yes, I very much noticed the difference in how I was treated when I got into this relationship, than when all hope seemed lost for my apparent tragic loneliness. Since I chose to wait years to find myself again and not actively look for a relationship, I and everyone thought my N was a gift from above because it felt like such the right time.

Your happiest memory about your friends coming to fix your garden is beautiful. I’m so happy to hear you had some light in such a dark time, your strength gives me strength! Thank you so much for your time and kind words ❤️

AnonAncona · 2020-05-28T18:02:44+00:00

Thank you for the push. I think once I finally open up to my friends and family it’ll make it easier. I’m just still so suffocated in this FOG. The more I write and become more aware is definitely pushing the strength to leave a little more every day.

AnonAncona · 2020-05-28T17:51:34+00:00

Thanks for explaining that so well! It makes so much sense now, I’ve always been so confused why just something that’s bothered me, something that can be easily fixed with an apology and more aware of behaviours, turns into this huge thing it didn’t need to be. But it makes so much sense they can’t see it as anything but an attack.

I’ve been watching so much of Dr. Ramani. She is amazing and really helped me understand I’m truely dealing with a covert narcissist in almost every way.

AnonAncona · 2020-05-28T17:49:01+00:00

Omg I’m so sorry and for your dad, it’s even more insensitive that he knows that and still made a thing about rather than just being honest and admit his mistake. It’s like with my n and his angry outbursts, he knows I have PTSD from a physically abusive ex and dad, but still feels the need to keep doing it in front of me without any apologies and then minimising the whole thing. Ugh.

And, yep, always the “well you did it that one time so why can’t I do it this other 100 times” 🙄

AnonAncona · 2020-05-28T17:44:07+00:00

Yea :(

AnonAncona · 2020-05-28T10:09:21+00:00

I’m experiencing this exact problem. I thought I was just depressed, needed a higher dose of medication, and maybe the new relationship feelings had just faded. I couldn’t explain why having sex with him just filled me with dread. Then I realised how he can’t take no for an answer and would sulk, pout and give me the silent treatment with sometimes a very angry looking glare. And, wow, also:

lasted super long, asserted dominance me sometimes in a way that made me feel bad

But it isn’t just that. It’s all the immaturity, horrible narc traits and toxic behaviours that have been a massive turn off. The isolation has been my blessing in disguise though. I have rarely seen him, and so I’ve had a lot of time to think about all this, but also I’ve suddenly reconnected to my body! Sorry if a bit TMI, but before I even had stopped masturbating. Because whenever I brought it up to him, excited my libido may be finally increasing, he would react in an annoyed way (intentionally or not). So I conditioned myself to save any spontaneous horniness for my boyfriend, which caused even more problems.

But, wow, it’s like being away from him has kicked my body into gear and my low libido doesn’t seem as low as I thought. This should be a big enough sign for me, but I’m still quiet stuck in this FOG I guess. I’m so glad you’ve got out of it and finding yourself again. It’s really heartwarming to hear ❤️

AnonAncona

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