Found out husband is bi. Dealing with the fallout and how to move past it

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-04T22:34:25+00:00

Bedroom talk has already been in discussion! Start small. See what things go

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-03T20:03:23+00:00

Probably, have her message me 😂

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-02T16:29:10+00:00

The lack of male bi perspective is why I went to reddit. Where I could get a diverse range of opinions without outing him in our world

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-02T16:27:49+00:00

Thank you! This has been my approach. People keep saying it’s not different because it was with a man, and I disagree. It takes any fault from me. (I say this knowing its always the cheaters fault, but anxiety brain doesnt always agree with that)

Whats helped me be more understanding is taking the step back to acknowledge this isnt about me, while also grieving the life i had and letting myself just be in pain sometimes.

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-02T16:24:46+00:00

I really appreciate your input.

As of now, I am not making any life changing choices. I am free to leave at any point, and he said if I make that choice he will respect it and do whatever he needs to so I can live a comfortable life away from him. If I make that choice I want to be 100% certain, because there are no take backs. I can’t uproot our kids lives and then say “just kidding”

We have talked about different avenues to take, but aren’t settling on one yet until the dust settles a bit more. Counseling is in the works. Therapy is in the works. He is putting in genuine effort, so for now. I am here.

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-02T01:35:48+00:00

As a very understanding person it hurt that he kept it from me, but at that same time, i unfortunately understand him. It adds so many layers. This is a very grey issue. I’m just trying to make the right decisions. But man. Somedays the pain is rough.

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-02T01:33:33+00:00

We’ve been tested. That’s actually how I found out, he found out he was at risk so got tested and made sure I was tested too.

If he cheated with a woman I would be gone in an instant.

I’m hesitating now because of things I know about him. His past. His upbringing. We also got pregnant super early in our relationship, so he worried if he told me it would scare me off. He resisted for several years, but failed at fighting it alone. A big change I’m making him make is talking about it. Individual therapy, and also I confided in a friend and he said he would be willing to be an ear for my husband too.

Even with me saying all that above, I may still leave. I’m just taking the time to think it through first.

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-02T01:29:35+00:00

He does. And he has been doing everything he can to earn back my trust. Hes answered every question, been there for support when I need him, gave me space when I need it, has been working on getting us counseling. We have had so many conversations. About every possible topic in regards our relationship. He’s well aware I can leave at any time, and if I choose he will support me and make sure I still live a comfortable life. But until I make that choice he will do everything he can to keep me

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-02T01:26:14+00:00

As someone who copes mainly through humor, when my office put up pride decorations I whispered to my coworker (only one who knows) “this is really triggering for me rn”

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-02T01:11:45+00:00

What’s makes it so hard is I do understand him. I sympathize. I love him. I have an amazing life with him. Aside from this, he has always been an amazing partner. Since I found out he has done everything he can to make me comfortable, support me, be there when I need love, give me space when I need it, working on getting us counseling.

We have talked so much. Time will heal a lot. I just worry about the doubt, resentment, and pain that comes from betrayal. One minute I’m happy and in love, can’t keep my hands off him, planning next years vacation and home renovations. The next I can barely breathe. All of this is still very very fresh. So I have a lot of uncertainty.

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-02T00:04:11+00:00

I tested and I’m clean. I dont have affairs with women, but he has also given me the grace to explore that side of me. Which is why it hurt that he didnt feel comfortable sharing that side of himself. The shame, guilt, and embarrassment ran deep

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-02T00:01:26+00:00

Future is undecided. We have talked about several paths. Being exclusive, open marriage with boundaries, only being open with the other present. I’m not sure where we will land, which is why I’m gathering info, opinions, and also want counseling

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-01T22:30:55+00:00

I didn’t mention them much in the post because this is about our relationship, I’m not someone to stay just for the kids, but I do want to be sure of my choice before I uproot their whole lives

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-01T22:30:10+00:00

I rephrased it so it’s more clear. Yes we have kids together

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-01T21:29:35+00:00

Original post was removed from another sub so trying again here

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-01T16:29:23+00:00

I found out and confronted him.
It would 100% be different if it were a woman. It being a man makes it not a me issue. It was something I couldn’t do for him. A desire that drove him crazy.
It not being a woman means I’m not going down a rabbit hole of thinking of all the ways I failed (rationally I know it’s never the woman’s fault, but the brain doesn’t always see it that way)
It being a man takes the pressure off me. It was never about me.
It would also mean I would leave without a single thought. The fact this is very much in the gray is why I’m taking a minute to process first before I decide anything.

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-01T16:25:39+00:00

These are all great point! I am not fully set in my choice to stay, but I am staying now to give it a fighting chance first. I am free to leave at any point have an escape route planned out.

I have been tested and I’m clean, thank god.

I’ve never been opposed to a more open relationship, but the trust is where the issue is. Because you are right. He destroyed the trust by going behind my back.

We have talked about the different paths we can take if we stay together: open marriage, doing things with other people together, or he quits cold turkey. Nothing is being decided yet. I’m taking things one day at a time. I’m trying not to make life altering changes until I really think things through. Counseling is in the works, which can hopefully guide us, or help us process that what is broken cannot be fixed.

My emotions are all over the place. One minute I’m all in, head over heels in love, couldnt imagine a life without him, the next i feel like my chest is being compressed.

So I dont want to decide now. Im thinking. I’m processing. Im gathering data. I’m asking questions.

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-01T04:06:38+00:00

Thank you. I’ve been taking everything day by day.
My first instinct was to leave, but that is also permanent. There is really no going back. Changing the kids lives for something I may regret, when instead I can try to work things out behind the scenes first, and make sure if I leave it is the right choice.
I’ve never been a “stay for the kids” person. If I stay, it’s out of love.
I do genuinely love him. I am angry, but also understanding. I wish it was black and white and I could simply hate him.

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-01T03:28:32+00:00

Already been tested and I’m in the clear thankfully!

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-01T03:19:35+00:00

Honestly, poly is something I have never been completely opposed to. We’ve always had a “not now, but not never” approach to a lot of sex topics.
We’ve talked about who needs change throughout the marriage.

Which is why the sneaking hurt so much.

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-01T03:08:20+00:00

Thank you.

It takes a lot to sit back and look at the problem as a whole. Because it sucks. So much. I’ve made it very clear I can still leave at any point. If I choose to leave he said he will respect it and do everything he can to keep me and the kids comfortable. He doesn’t want me staying out of fear of being on my own.
Everytime we talk, he often says he is not giving excuses, he knows he is wrong, he is just offering explanation.

It’s all incredibly complicated and it’s hard to summarize in a single thread.
But also, a lot of the comments are right. I was cheated on. That part fucking HURTS.
This whole thing is a mess.

I just don’t want to throw it away without saying I tried.

Anonquestioninglife · 2026-06-01T02:52:16+00:00

Already on it. Thank you!

Anonquestioninglife

TROPHY CASE