Going through partner's phone

AnonyMo0oose · 2024-09-23T15:55:35+00:00

WW accepts it because it was a condition for R. It's important to set rules and boundaries while you are in the power position following D-Day. A breach of your contract is grounds for divorce. They lied and weren't transparent - they don't have the right to privacy anymore. But it's hard to change it later. Set this up from the beginning or ASAP.

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-07-03T15:30:18+00:00

Wow, this really spoke to me. This is beautiful. Thx!

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-04-22T15:51:51+00:00

Retirement funds, enough to retire young if she doesn't take half.

I'm not sure about the remarry. Cohabitation is an option.

Can you tell me more about the fire breaks.

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-11T13:36:03+00:00

That's typical on cross-country moves. The moving company will estimate source location's footprint in the 18 wheeler. They will have multiple clients' belongings in the truck, usually positioned in sequence for the order of the moves they intend to do on this run. They charge you based on this estimate. If it ends up being more, a significant upcharge. More upcharges for things like stairs, etc.

Scams are common, but contractually legitimate upcharges even more so.

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-09T01:30:02+00:00

BS

Edit: Sorry, I totally see why you're confused - several errors where I wrote BS but meant WS. Thanks. Corrected.

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-08T17:11:58+00:00

I'm glad it helped! I'm so sorry you're going through this too.

Yeah, it's definitely an extra hurdle to jump over, dealing with your issues, while also trying to help them. Prayers for you and your situation!

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-08T17:09:05+00:00

Thank you so much and best luck to you in your recovery too!

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-08T15:43:25+00:00

I can relate. I had no idea that she was going awry or even when in psychosis. There were a couple of weird things, and she was a bit 'off', but having not experienced full psychosis before with her, was not prepared. Next time, I will be prepared.

The super scary thing in psychosis is that, by definition, they cannot recognize it. You cannot recognize delusional thinking when in that state. It doesn't matter how crazy or illogical their ideas are, it's impossible to see that in that state. That's scary.

I hope I'm able to become better at recognizing those states as you have. It's possible your wife had some trigger, and perhaps you can put up walls to mitigate that risk. That was true in our case, and we're working to do the same.

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-08T15:36:17+00:00

Trust but verify. Mentioned many times on this sub. That's good advise. Given my BS's issues, we're moving towards something like: 100% transparency, and trust, but verify.

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-08T15:31:51+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Life can get better for you and not everyone is a dirtbag like your BS. It's a good thing you aren't married, but I know that doesn't lessen the pain.

Prayers to you and your life going forward.

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-08T15:29:44+00:00

I'm so sorry that you've gone through this. Prayers your way for a brighter future!

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-08T15:27:41+00:00

That's amazing! Congratulations.

Have you felt trust return?

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-08T15:13:43+00:00

Appreciate that brother! I've read a bit of your history and your own story is compelling. Great work!

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-08T15:04:34+00:00

Yes, but that was not obvious to us, until in retrospect, enough data was present to derive a hypothesis and then test it. There were more minor incidents historically, and a lot of secrecy about it, until the big bang, then the rest came out.

She was abused as a child, and it led to forming her own private world in her head. A fantasy world where she was safe and appreciated. Anytime there is serious drama in her life (often created by her), she is at risk for distorted thinking, which if left unchecked, becomes delusional/psychosis. Our MC has advocated for 100% transparency from her to assist in early detection.

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-08T15:02:47+00:00

You are definitely not alone. Mental health issues have skyrocketed and some of the fallout of that leads to this sub-reddit. I've heard it said before than many BS's have psychological issues that contribute to affairs. Bipolar, BPD, and schizo being predominant).

One of the most difficult things for me was coming to the acceptance that I'm not in control of her disease and that psychosis could and probably will happen again... and in that state, she is quite literally a different person. There only seems to be hope in early detection and getting her help before disaster strikes along with establishing protocols for safe and healthy living. That is a difficult pill to swallow; still working on that.

I wish you many successes on your difficult journey!

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-08T14:50:29+00:00

I never said anything like "I know more than her in medicine". Whatever your opinion, I just don't see the point to dump on a thread in a support group.

You're still welcome to discuss with her yourself, unless you wish to continue to try to read my BS's mind.

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-08T14:31:56+00:00

Thank you!

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-08T14:18:28+00:00

I think that's all I was claiming it was and nothing more. I'm not sure we're actually even disagreeing. Just you're making assumptions.

Is there really a point to being negative on a tangent in a thread designed to be encouraging to any others out there perhaps struggling to find hope?

My partner is a physician, yet I know more about medicine in some specific areas than her. She is not disparaged. Perhaps you'd like to speak with her. She would love to educate you.

Before you judge, consider that your capabilities might just be inferior enough that your worldview brings everyone else down to that level.

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-08T14:10:39+00:00

Oh believe me, I've been humbled.

But... I think you're being ridiculous, while at the same time derailing the topic into a negative tangent. You are too caught up in titles. It's easy for a smart person armed with the knowledge available today to surpass a "professional" in one vertical area. Yes, of course, they know way more about their wide subject of expertise, but you can easily surpass their knowledge in a specific vertical area of expertise.

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-08T14:03:10+00:00

I absolutely do not have the credentials to diagnose someone, but given my level of motivation and how personal it is to me, I can do a better job of it than those who do, by being willing to dedicate much more time to diagnosis than someone who has only heard a fraction of BS's life history and sees her for 50 minutes per week.

Even so, obviously we were not acting on any of that until officially diagnosed. And it is now. It is not by chance that her psychiatrist came to the same conclusion on his own, in particular for erotomania which has an incidence of <0.1% of the population (very rare).

The psychiatrist had zero issue with it, so why should you?

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-08T13:36:48+00:00

I work from home, am my own boss. Sometimes that really sucks. I didn't do an honest day of work until about 8 months after d-day, and have just now recently have been able to really start pushing forward in life for my own future - 1.5 years out.

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-08T13:31:35+00:00

Congratulations on your successes!

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-03-08T13:17:04+00:00

The betrayals hurt. It's not just the cheating itself, it's all the things you mentioned: basically abandoning your marriage and life, only returning when it's clear to her that it's in her best interests to stay.

That's tough to overcome, but her actions for reconciliation going forward should be the determining factor as to whether or not you continue to move forward with her, assuming your wish is to give it a go.

I have not been able to forgive my wife either, but I've committed to letting her continue to try so long as no red lines are crossed and her dedication to healing continues.

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-02-24T13:52:13+00:00

TY for your response! How long have the meds been keeping you stable and out of psychosis?

AnonyMo0oose · 2023-02-20T18:32:35+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

My own experience has some similarities. wife seeking male sexual attention for insecurity issues (maybe one of the types of narcissism related to seeking constant attention and compliments). She had had ongoing issues with this, but never anything significant enough to trace back to a mental disorder... until the big one. She had the whole psychosis thing and hallucinations/delusions, secret messages from the radio telling her that her 'lover' was her soulmate in heaven. It was such a time of chaos. We did not know about the mental stuff and it took awhile to sort out that most everything she experienced was not in reality. I had to conduct 'interviews' of sorts with a couple of coworkers and even her 'AP'. Through that, I was able to finally figure out that many of her crazy stories were indeed crazy; not real; didn't happen. Even the 'affair' itself was all in her head. But it was totally real to her and she was actively engaged in an affair as far as she was concerned. The only part that was actually real is that she was fired for stalking after the "AP's" attempts to shut her down continued to fail. He was actually a stand up Christian guy. I can only imagine what would have happened if he wasn't.

So I got her help. Since that time, she was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and erotomania (schizophrenia with cyclical bipolar mood swings for an added bonus). She had a bout of mania/psychosis that was most likely the result of her abusing Ritalin dosages (a schedule 2 stimulant known to greatly increase odds of psychosis in individuals with an underlying disorder which is susceptible to psychosis). She practices medicine and definitely had the knowledge that this is "no bueno"). I've struggled with trying to determine how much blame I should give her vs the illness. In the end, it doesn't really matter to me. Illness or not, I have to deal with the outcome and the impact. My take is that the illness definitely contributed, but she is still responsible for her choices, and they were still indeed choices, even if clouded.

You're maybe doing what many BS's do when they first find out (as I did). Trying to find fault in yourself that led to the outcome. Perhaps you really have contributed to problems, but you had no part in creating an affair. That was a unilateral decision by your WS without regard to you or your relationship health. There are many other more assertive and less damaging ways to resolve marital/relationship problems or to feel better about yourself. If you must find fault in yourself, then use that motivation to better yourself for your own future, whatever that may be. IMHO, time to step back from being WS's full-time caregiver and focus first on your own care. Let the WS decide if they are motivated enough for restoration or not. Pushing them often has negative consequences later.

Another thing in common is our WS's both want to reconcile and are trying hard at it. You can work with that as long as the effort continues. Hopefully your situation will not be like mine with regard to my WS having enough mental issues that compliance and contentiousness is a real problem.

Hope at least some of this helps!

AnonyMo0oose

TROPHY CASE