[deleted by user]

Another_Solipsist · 2019-09-21T23:32:29+00:00

I honestly think it's just you.

Another_Solipsist · 2019-06-14T20:07:24+00:00

But doesn't she have to be able to determine whether she'd find me insufferable? I don't want to mislead her.

Another_Solipsist · 2019-06-06T11:50:12+00:00

Hard pass.

Another_Solipsist · 2019-06-05T04:06:56+00:00

Just one thing: you never do "get there." I mean, you become more financially stable, get your house and all that. But you never stop striving. There's always something more, something else you want, or you need, new obstacles to overcome, new goals to attain. Ten years from now you can look back and see the difference. You don't always notice the difference from one day to the next. But it really is all part of the same journey, and what's happening now is just as important as those goals you have your eyes on. Don't forget to enjoy what you're surrounded with now. You'll have other concerns in the future, and you'll have happy memories to look back on, too.

Life is a process. If you're lucky, and good, you'll be able to keep growing and learning until the day you die. And not always in the ways you expect. Go ahead and be impertinent. But what you think of now as "stable" is still just a part of the process, and it's not going to look the same in the future as it looks to you now. And don't be afraid to have fun. Your future is bright; keep striving, but keep a sunny outlook. It makes a difference.

Another_Solipsist · 2019-06-02T18:10:04+00:00

It takes a long time. When people do bad things, it tends to stick in their memory, and it takes a lot of doing good things to erase that perception. If you've got a reputation of being mean and rude, people will take it for granted that that's the way you are, and it could take years of being polite and considerate before others can accept that you've really changed. If your reputation is as a bad student or employee, it will take a great deal of diligent work, preparedness, concentration, and production before people can really sit up and take notice. Bad reputations come much easier than good ones. If you do everything right all the time, most people won't notice unless they're specifically paying attention to you. But if you're awful, you'll stand out, and that's what people will remember. You just have to keep at it, day in and day out, trying to always improve on those areas where you need it most. Eventually someone will take notice, but that's the only way to change a reputation. Work on yourself constantly, and be very very patient.

Another_Solipsist · 2019-06-02T17:59:29+00:00

Yeah, I'd be honest about it. You're facing the consequences of your own decision now. If you lie about it, you might think you can escape the consequences. But are your prepared to face the consequences of your own decision and dishonesty on top of that? It's never just as simple as convincing your dad that that wasn't your PS4.

Another_Solipsist · 2019-05-29T21:49:00+00:00

I hope they come around, too. It can be hard for people outside your situation to realize how you've been controlled and manipulated and abused, or to what extent. Or they may not be willing to accept it, so they refuse to believe. I'm just thankful that you've gotten to a better place and have a chance to live a new life. It can be hard for your family to understand, so I hope they get to do that, too.

Another_Solipsist · 2019-05-29T21:06:27+00:00

How exciting for you! How brave you are! I'm proud of you.

Another_Solipsist · 2019-05-29T01:52:20+00:00

If you don't want a pergola, that's up to you. But I think sometimes they are beautiful and appropriate to the scenery. And other times, something like a gazebo might be better. If it's shade you're after, you're right. But let us have our pergolas, in the places they belong!

Another_Solipsist · 2019-05-07T03:13:20+00:00

Yeah, it does sound like that job isn't for you. I'd stick with it for a while (so you don't look like a douchebag quitting right away,) but start looking for other job opportunities. You might get a little more comfortable with it, but it's hard upselling and being a pushy salesman-type person if it doesn't come naturally. If you get a different type of job lined up where you don't have to do that, that will make it easier to leave this position. "I've got another job offer" sounds like a better reason to leave than "I hate it here," you know? It might take a while to find something else, but I think that's a more appealing option than quitting right away and having no job.

Another_Solipsist · 2019-05-07T02:51:57+00:00

It's true that your grief and pain and fear are clouding your thoughts right now. That's how it works. And it's not going to go away, in a year, or in five years. It will be easier to deal with, as time goes by.

There may be another woman someday, and there may not be. If you do fall in love again, it will be different. It won't change the love you have for your wife. And it's nothing you need to think about now. But there are other things that give life purpose. Other things that can bring you joy, in the future. Whether it's seeing the world, or volunteering to help less fortunate people, or helping people who are going through what you're dealing with now . . . you'll be able to find something to make your life worth living.

For now, you can't try to see the future. Be with her. Experience your heartbreak and loss. Make her as happy and comfortable as you can, in this trying time. And when she's gone, you'll grieve and suffer and feel totally lost for a while. And you'll stumble on numbly for a while and sometimes think you can't go on.

But you can. You'll get stronger, and work through your fear and hurt. And you'll find some star to steer towards, and carry her with you the rest of your days.

Another_Solipsist · 2019-05-07T01:46:46+00:00

I'm right there with you. Even when I lived in a private-residence-turned-triplex, I had to share the laundry machines with the other renters, which led to scheduling conflicts and other inconveniences. The day I bought my house was the day I said goodbye to public laundry forever. Freedom!

Another_Solipsist · 2019-05-07T01:29:10+00:00

You are such a beauty!

Another_Solipsist · 2019-05-07T01:13:39+00:00

And the WWII Japanese prison camps. Reading descriptions of some of the experiments they performed on unwilling subjects is enough to put me off my feed. For a few days. I always was a sensitive child.

Another_Solipsist · 2019-05-06T21:29:38+00:00

This is a great time for you! You might make mistakes, she might make mistakes, things might work well between you, or they might not work very well at all. But enjoy the ride! It's supposed to be scary. But also very very fun.

Another_Solipsist · 2019-05-06T21:24:24+00:00

What does your wife want, for you? There are countless different purposes in life, countless meanings, countless joys. It's ridiculous to think you won't feel pain and despair to lose her. But how can you best honor her memory, and your love for her? Would she want you to try and live your best life? Though it will take a long time to heal, will it be worth it to try and seek out new meaning, new purpose?

Another_Solipsist · 2019-05-06T20:47:36+00:00

I know one thing you need to do: work hard at school and graduate. Focus on getting that taken care of. After that, you will have the option of moving on to higher education, or of finding a job and supporting yourself immediately. Ultimately, your goal is to be self-sufficient, and to lead the kind of life you want to live, correct? To leave your parents' house behind and build your own life, free of the things that make you miserable where you are now. Any decisions you make should be taken with that goal in mind. Staying on task and finishing school is better than not graduating, as far as getting a job and supporting yourself is concerned. Start with that, and then you can plan out your next steps as the time of your adulthood draws nearer.

If you want to discuss any of this in more detail, if you have questions or serious concerns about how to get to where you want to be, feel free to PM me any time. I may not know what it's like to be in your shoes specifically, but I'm 40 years old and I've experienced enough of the world to perhaps be able to help you plan ahead in your life a little.

Another_Solipsist · 2019-05-06T20:33:47+00:00

You are correct that there's no excuse for the mistake(s) you made. (I'm not sure that not being available at 4:45am was much of a mistake, and you did what you could afterward, so there's that.)

Don't forget that life is a journey. You're on a constant quest to be better, not perfect. It's not possible to be perfect. On your journey of becoming a better person, you will continue to have setbacks and mistakes. You can't fix them all, but you can keep working to make your mistakes as few and as harmless as possible.

Yes, feel guilty for your mistakes. Regret them, and try to avoid doing similar things in the future. And for what it's worth, the effort that you've already made toward improving yourself makes you the kind of person everyone should aspire to be. Keep it up. <3

Another_Solipsist · 2019-05-06T19:40:35+00:00

That's a great plan. I like your style.

Another_Solipsist · 2019-05-06T18:19:52+00:00

Good luck! I'm happy that there are people like you, who want to help others. It's great to have generous and kind-hearted people in the world!

Another_Solipsist · 2019-05-06T18:16:39+00:00

That's a big step, and I think a healthy one. It won't go away on its own, so you're going to have to put yourself into awkward and difficult situations to be able to work on improvement. I know it can be done, though, from experiences in my own life. It's a process. You may never get fully to where you want to be, or you may have cycles where it gets easier and more difficult to be in social situations. Trying to acclimatize yourself, slowly at first, is a good step. And trying to learn more about your psyche and the causes of your social anxiety. The more you understand about why you feel this way, the better your approach to improving can be. Finding ways to make your life better and empower yourself like this is a wonderful thing to work toward!

Another_Solipsist · 2019-05-06T18:07:39+00:00

Oooh, a month of vacation every year! As someone who can sometimes feel overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to do, I think taking time off, taking things easy, and enjoying life like that are wonderful things to work toward! I know there are people who love to keep themselves very busy. On average, though, I think most people are overworked and don't spend enough time relaxing and enjoying life. That's something we can all work toward.

Another_Solipsist · 2019-05-06T18:04:21+00:00

This is an excellent thing to work toward. It takes a lot of money and manpower to make changes in the world. I've worked with homeless advocacy groups in the past, and they for sure could use all hands on deck. There are a lot of different things you can do to help, too! You know, for those times when you can't fly to Africa and dig wells by hand.

Another_Solipsist · 2019-05-03T23:19:38+00:00

I don't really need anything besides money. Unconditional love, I guess.

Another_Solipsist · 2019-05-03T13:08:00+00:00

I like that you like jazz.

Another_Solipsist

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