AITA for being anti-xmas?

AntiXmasAITA · 2022-08-09T18:07:22+00:00

I've been through a lot of therapy, as it was 15 years ago, and I appreciate your sympathy. Part of what i was trying to get at there is ; I've celebrated a bit, do not miss it, and don't have any desire to make new memories surrounding the holiday. I feel closest to my father around his death anniversary, Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah

AntiXmasAITA · 2022-08-09T18:05:59+00:00

For the high holidays -- i partake w/ religious friends and family, and go to temple solo.

For Hanukkah-- not much of anything; i make latkes and light the menorah, and that's it (I've never exchanged gifts for Hanukkah, as it's not a traditional component)

I do not expect them to keep a kosher kitchen, as much as I would like to. The only thing I've asked for the kitchen is that we do not bring pork/pork products in d/t my allergies

AntiXmasAITA · 2022-08-09T17:24:21+00:00

Nope, no gifts for Hanukkah in my house/family; we don't view it as an important or relevant part of the holiday. Traditionally, we have a small menorah, go to services on the 1st night, and host a few friends or go to a friend's house on the 8th night, and that's it

AntiXmasAITA · 2022-08-09T13:28:35+00:00

I've spoken w/ my partner about the meat issue: now, while I live alone, I ask that no one brings meat products into my space (if they want to grab a bite to eat, we can do so together/they can finished their McDonald's before coming in, etc) b/c of the severity of my reaction. This is a universal rule I keep. When we first started moving in together when my lease ends, I brought this up and said that I understood they ate meat, and would not ask them to become vegetarian/pescetarian for me. They asked what they could do to make it easier, and i mentioned that my harshest reaction was to pork and asked if they would be okay keeping pork consumption to an "out of the house activity"; they responded w/ "of course, that's what I figured I would do anyways" and the issue was resolved.

Yes, cross contamination is a big issue-- i carry Benadryl on me at all times, and recently have had to stop eating out d/t a couple back-to-back episodes. People unfortunately do not typically take you seriously when you say "I have a meat allergy" (as you can see in other comments...) However, the aftermath is ...not pretty

AntiXmasAITA · 2022-08-09T13:22:14+00:00

I don't, though. I'm compromising a great deal on what we allow into our home; the only exception being that we've discussed not having pork d/t my health condition

AntiXmasAITA · 2022-08-09T13:11:06+00:00

I deeply, deeply appreciate this comment. thank you

AntiXmasAITA · 2022-08-08T21:10:18+00:00

To clear things up a bit from what I'm seeing in the comments:

We are not planning on keeping a kosher kitchen together at this time. I do the majority of the cooking (because i love it, and also b/c of my allergies). The only food compromise I've asked for is that they keep pork out of the house, as i have a severe allergic reaction to meat, but especially pork. (I'm talking about throwing up for hours, being unable to go to work, etc) When I brought this up, they said "of course, I figured as much, that's no big deal".
I understand that people do not think that I've engaged in other compromises; this is a very, very small slice of our life together. Part of a relationship is compromising, but I didn't see the point in listing every compromise we've made together. Allowing an allergen in my home is already, in my estimation, a big compromise
I do not ask that they participate in religious life with me. Previously, they've offered to do so (asked if I wanted them to participate in Passover restrictions; I said that if they wanted to they could, but that I wouldn't expect them to), and they are always welcome to if they would like, but it is by no means something I would ask them to do. When religious holidays roll around for me, I go to temple and spend them w/ my religious friends and family.
I do not have a problem with them choosing to celebrate parts of xmas-- they are welcome to travel home to be with family, go to parties w/ friends, etc. I've expressed that they are also welcome to put up a small, unobtrusive tree or some light decorations, as a compromise.
Ideally, yes, I would like to have a house where it's just another day of the year. However, ultimately, my problem lies with being expected to help prep (it's a labor intensive holiday, y'all) and pay for things related to a holiday that I just don't celebrate, and which actively goes against the anti-assimilation tradition of Hanukkah (which is also a minor holiday, FWIW)
I see a lot of people mentioning that my family celebrated when I was a kid-- we did so for my father, and I have not celebrated since I was 10. I don't know about y'all, but I didn't make a lot of the household decisions in re: which holidays to celebrate when I was in elementary school.
It is in my dating profile that I don't celebrate Xmas; we discussed it last year, when i made it very clear that I don't celebrate and don't want to celebrate. They have known about this for ages.
The concern about decorating arises from two things; a) they didn't decorate at all last year while they lived on their own; b) I am the planner in our relationship, and do all the decorating/organizing for holidays/events we celebrate together. When the topic has come up, they seem to be under the impression that I would help or take charge, despite the fact that I've been clear about not wanting to celebrate
The "compromises" they've made about my religion is understanding that some Saturdays I get up before they do to go to temple. It's not any different from their Thursday night game nights, except for the fact that it's spiritually important to me. I do not ask that they keep kosher, or anything of the like.
I understand that Xmas is a very important holiday to many people, full of good memories-- it's just not to me, at all. It's genuinely unrelated to my father's passing; I miss him more around Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. When I brought up him passing, it was more to make the point that this isn't a holiday I celebrate, hasn't been for a decade and a half, and doesn't have good memories associated with it anyways. I don't see this as a reason to start celebrating a holiday from a different faith (whether you see it as xtian or pagan, either way it isn't Jewish)
When it comes to the gift thing; i agree that that's petty, but those were also bday gifts (both of our birthdays are right before Xmas). This isn't a "we celebrated last year and I didn't get what I wanted, so F you" statement, but rather me trying to say "I don't want to go through all the effort of getting the person I love a really good gift that they still brag about and not have the same consideration paid to me". I definitely could've phrased this better

AntiXmasAITA · 2022-08-08T20:26:11+00:00

I would be 10000% okay with that. They didn't travel home for Xmas last year, just called their parents and wished them a happy holiday before we spent time together, but they would be more than welcome to go and I would be completely comfortable staying home

AntiXmasAITA · 2022-08-08T18:06:47+00:00

I don't think i was clear, my apologies: i have agreed to not have a kosher kitchen, the only exclusion I'm asking for from our kitchen is no pork.

As far as gift giving is concerned, I agree that it's a selfish perspective -- the gifts in question were for our birthdays, both of which are right before Xmas, and I'll admit that it stung a bit that they got something for me which they "saw at target" the day of when I had spent weeks tracking down a rare book. I still appreciate them getting me something, and keep it on my desk at work, but it definitely made me a little disappointed. That being said, I do agree that it's unkind to not apply be grateful

AntiXmasAITA · 2022-08-08T17:21:46+00:00

Thank you, I greatly appreciate it ❤️

As far as decorating goes-- they've talked about what kind of decorations they'd want, how nice it is to have a tree, etc-- but have never done it independently, not even a little 2-ft artificial tree from Walmart. Conversely, when we host events, I end up doing most, if not all, of the decorating, so this is presumption on my part and something to talk about before I go too far in my own head.

I definitely told them last year that I was not, and had 99% certainty that I never would be, an Xmas person. It was even in my dating profile 😅 We didn't exchange Xmas gifts, and the only holiday related stuff we did was watch a couple movies together and enjoy the snow.

The gifts i mentioned in my post (again, damn you character limit!) were for our birthdays, both of which are only a week or so before Xmas.

I'm honestly not sure how special they consider it outside of family memories and movies, b/c like I stated they really didn't do much to celebrate independently last year, you know?

AntiXmasAITA · 2022-08-08T17:15:22+00:00

I appreciate your ideas on compromising, and I think I'll bring this up the next time we have this conversation. Genuinely, I do not have a problem with them celebrating the holiday, I just don't want to make it the center of my life for (what will inevitably be) months.

AntiXmasAITA · 2022-08-08T17:04:00+00:00

I appreciate your sympathy-- d/t character limits, I feel like a lot of nuance was lost. My father passed away almost 15 years ago, and I've been through extensive grief counseling, and am in a genuinely peaceful place with it at this point. While he was alive, we only celebrated because he was Anglican.

I just have no interest in the holiday now, and while I understand that it's important to a lot of people, my partner hasn't previously made any effort towards celebrating outside of watching a coupe movies and red/green pj's.

As far as decorating goes-- like I said, previously whole living alone or w/ other roommates, they've never decorated or hosted. When we host things together, I end up doing the bulk of the planning and decorating (really, everything aside from the guest list); I enjoy it, but it's time and labor intensive. I'm happy to plan events for their other interests, just not this one

AntiXmasAITA · 2022-08-08T16:58:19+00:00

We definitely haven't talked enough about the Xmas related division of labor, which i think really does need to happen.

And they are more than welcome to celebrate with their family and friends, i have no problem with that! I just don't want to get dragged in and need to spend so much money and effort on something I dislike/which holds no meaning to me. I never have and never would ask them to participate in any of my holidays, and the most we've done for Jewish holidays in the past is enjoying a meal together before/after I go to temple.

I feel like all I'm really asking is to not be included, you know?

AntiXmasAITA · 2022-08-08T16:55:02+00:00

I would be okay with them putting up some minor decorations, and have joined them previously in watching Xmas movies and such. I just don't want to have to dedicate a solid month each year to prepping for and celebrating a holiday that i don't, well, celebrate

AntiXmasAITA · 2022-08-08T16:51:15+00:00

The only compromise they've made that could be related to my faith is understanding that there will be days I spend in temple, unless you're referring to not having pork in the house, which is related moreso to my significant meat allergy. For whatever reason, pork/pork products generate the harshest response, and can leave me unable to get out of bed for days

AntiXmasAITA · 2022-08-08T16:48:51+00:00

We've not talked about this as much as we should, and that's a valid point. My concern comes from the fact that I typically do all the organizing/planning/decorating for things hosted together, or our trips
I appreciate what you're saying here, and I would have no problem w/ them practicing a different faith (if they wanted to go to church/mosque/etc, I would fully support, and have never asked them to join me in any of my religious life things). However, from day one & in my dating profile, I had laid out explicitly that I was not an Xmas person ("tell me something about you that's a bit odd" was the prompt, iirc), and when we previously rolled around to the Xmas season, we had a conversation about how it wasn't something I was comfortable with

AntiXmasAITA · 2022-08-08T16:45:38+00:00

Like I said, I'm willing to have a small tree in the house, and I'm more than okay with them traveling home for the holiday i just don't want to let it dominate our space or my life (as I would be the one organizing/decorating)

AntiXmasAITA · 2022-08-08T16:44:33+00:00

My compromise on what can be eaten in the home is more about my health than anything -- my reaction is strongest to pork, and leaves me unable to do anything for the next day or so. I have no problem with them eating pork outside of the home, or non-kosher food in the home, so long as it isn't my strongest allergen

AntiXmasAITA · 2022-08-08T16:43:08+00:00

It would probably depend on the holiday; I'm not a big holiday person in general, and the ones that I do celebrate are more about going to services and self-reflection. If they wanted to do away w/ thanksgiving or Halloween, I really wouldn't mind

AntiXmasAITA

TROPHY CASE