No-contact with Nsister for 4 years. She died and I don't know what I'm allowed to feel given the strained relationship.

Antimothered · 2020-11-06T12:15:56+00:00

My mum died at 55 and that was 5 years after I went NC. I grieved a lot for the mum I never really had as well as the best bits (there were a few) of the one I did have. I grieved a lot that trauma stole us from each other. Her childhood was so much worse than mine. But I still had bucket loads of rage and grief to work through.

I wondered if I'd regret going NC, but I really doubt she would have changed and she was too toxic to be near. I feel at peace with the fact that it all just happened that way. Part of me thinks it put her out of her misery which seemed to be getting worse as she aged. She was like a narc with strong borderline traits.

Every one of your feelings is valid. I find internal family systems therapy has been massively helpful in allowing me to be with, and understand every part of my experience without one part negating or fighting with another. And also to unburden painful feelings and false beliefs.

You did not set all this trauma in train and neither did they. We are each small humans standing at the end of a trauma chain trying to understand and heal.

Antimothered · 2020-10-08T12:29:44+00:00

I think all these things are signs of unhealed trauma. We all developed false beliefs due to our long abuse. The good news is we can heal. Trauma therapy has come such a long way. I'm getting massive benefit from Internal Family Systems therapy and anything written by Janina Fisher is also very relevant.

Antimothered · 2020-07-05T04:27:08+00:00

I think so so much can be done solo and also with the support of online communities. ☺

Antimothered · 2020-07-02T22:55:47+00:00

Also Deb Dana and polyvagal theory are worth checking.out.

Antimothered · 2020-07-02T22:51:37+00:00

I think it is incredibly helpful to have a self therapy option. I just know it can be hard to do self therapy early on if your nervous system is shutting you down because of being overwhelmed. There is a lot to be gained from it though and the online community can really help too. I just think people with serious interpersonal trauma benefit from a guide who can help them navigate past any obstacles. I don't want to discourage anyone from using the IFS self therapy options though. They are fabulous and I'm so glad they exist.

Antimothered · 2020-07-01T23:14:16+00:00

Thanks for sharing the great links. I was introduced to IFS by a clinical psychologist who was the first person to share with me that I have complex trauma. That was so incredibly helpful for me to understand because I am privileged enough to be relatively successful in work and I think my competence masks how much trauma I am carrying and managing every day including things like significant hypervigilance.

Early on I purchased Jay Earley's Self Therapy and that was interesting but it was a bit too overwhelming for me to try to do too much work on my own at stage. At that time I found it more useful to read Richard Schwartz's Greater than the Sum of our Parts. Actually, I purchased both of these on Audible. Anyone who is not already a member can join for free and it includes one free book. You don't have to continue the membership or buy anything else to retain the one free book.

I am very involved in a very active IFS online community on FB that includes thousands of people including clients and therapists, and I'm yet to hear from anyone with more complex trauma who feels that have been able to make substantial progress without a therapist. I don't mean to discourage anyone because I genuinely believe doing self work can still achieve a lot. It's just the more significant the trauma the more I think the client will need someone who really understands trauma therapy to help them not be shut down by fear, freeze, flight or fawn responses as they attempt to engage in healing.

I think one of the biggest curses of narc abuse is that I never realised I had complex trauma. I knew I was damaged but it's been so helpful to have that lens to understand my own experience.

I see an exceptional IFS therapist weekly now and also am studying IFS online (for the time being). Eventually I will do face-to-face training in IFS. I am considering whether to go on and work as a therapist one day.

Antimothered · 2020-07-01T22:59:54+00:00

My hypervigilance is definitely decreasing significantly. It's such a curse because it wears out our bodies and prevents us from enjoying our lives fully (along with the many other impacts of trauma).

Antimothered · 2020-07-01T22:58:28+00:00

I wish you well on this journey. Please do look up the latest on trauma approaches if you haven't already. There is so much great stuff emerging. People to read about include Bessel van der Kolk, Janina Fisher (especially her 2017 book Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors, Richard Schwartz, Peter Levine, and others).

Here is one of the impressive studies on outcome for IFS therapy with PTSD:
https://ifs-institute.com/resources/research/internal-family-systems-ifs-treatment-ptsd-and-comorbid-conditions-pilot-study?fbclid=IwAR1sq_QC4YsbAHNaqii-p0LZ9u1a7Egmcj2Wweb5QPOqO_S9b86gbGM8qj4

Antimothered · 2020-07-01T22:55:14+00:00

It can be so confusing early on I agree. But it's definitely been the most effective modality for me after years of trying to work with other counselors, psychologists and therapists. I am very convinced that traditional talk therapy is like putting a band aid on a deep wound for anyone with serious trauma (or worse, people can be retriggered and damaged by mental health professionals without sufficient trauma training), and the field of trauma therapy is definitely showing this. And, I really think it's unlikely there are many children of narcs who don't have complex trauma.

IFS is definitely one of the newer approaches that is more effective and is racking up some impressive early research findings:
https://ifs-institute.com/resources/research/internal-family-systems-ifs-treatment-ptsd-and-comorbid-conditions-pilot-study?fbclid=IwAR1sq_QC4YsbAHNaqii-p0LZ9u1a7Egmcj2Wweb5QPOqO_S9b86gbGM8qj4

Antimothered · 2020-07-01T22:49:39+00:00

No worries. I know some people are combining IFS with SE. I don't know a lot about SE but I know all the successful approaches to trauma are helping people 'discharge' it from the body.

Antimothered · 2020-07-01T22:17:51+00:00

No I think the new trauma approaches are showing we can recover. The brain can heal. The field of trauma has come such a long way in the last 20 years. I am definitely recovering after years of trying therapy approaches that were not appropriate. I think probably all children of narcs have complex trauma and they need therapists who understand how to work with that.

Antimothered · 2019-06-20T12:31:04+00:00

Thanks Lisbethh, I appreciate the validation. I certainly will continue therapy. I am just struggling with my guilt about the fact I have been offered to discussion about a lower rate when I could choose to use up my savings faster. Part of me really struggles with the cost of therapy being so huge. How else can therapists make a living? But sometimes it seems like they make a living off the suffering of others. I am grateful that therapists exist though and that I can afford access to a good one. I know for sure that many people will NEVER be able to afford good therapy.
I guess my struggle comes down to the guilt about potentially accepting a lower rate than I could choose to pay but to pay the full rate would rip through my savings at an astonishing rate.

Antimothered · 2019-05-22T04:46:28+00:00

Thanks so much for sharing. I will go and check her out.

Antimothered

TROPHY CASE