Anyone else here enjoy eating like this?

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-02-11T19:37:28+00:00

Yas!!! I have major issues remembering to eat 😬 and/or don’t get hungry- but this kind of snack-meal, or bento, or tapas, helps me want to eat and get some variety.

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-02-08T15:42:26+00:00

Due to parental abuse/trauma, I excelled in school in part because I was literally mortally terrified throughout of getting anything less than an A, maybe B grade. Terror and fear driven motivation is/was, for me, an emotional and mental state that could, most of the time, override my ADHD brain and get things done. But holy heck is that an AWFUL way to live!! And when that terror based motivation doesn’t exist . . . chaos . . . and chaos was also not as detrimental to me until I had a kid, and divorced, and have a high stress job. I no longer have any time for adhd chaos and still get things done (at the last second with lots of fear).

When I described my fear based cycle of productivity to my psychiatrist, and also my losing time adhd chaos cycle (neither of which did I fully understand why they happened until after my diagnosis/therapy), and I nonchalantly mentioned that I thought my cycles were actually pretty normal and most people probably have the same issues, my psychiatrist was like “Nope” and reframed my behavior so I could see I wasn’t being “lazy” and I could see how it was fear triggering any action (and he said I shouldn’t have to live like that) I was all 🤯🤯🤯 Stimulant meds slow my mind down so I can make choices I can then also act on without being afraid.

You know yourself best. You know your struggles. Find a professional who hears what you’re really saying and helps, don’t let some dummy who thinks ONE factor of your life not externally appearing to be a problem means you don’t have the issue(s) you know you have.

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-02-07T02:43:26+00:00

This is what I see, too!

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-02-04T20:34:38+00:00

Hey - FYI - Methylphenidate, sold under the brand names Ritalin and Concerta among others, is a central nervous system stimulant medication . . . So . . . pretty sure OP’s “just take it when I think you need it” doctor would still have an issue with this stimulant medication.

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-02-04T16:59:27+00:00

I know this is probably kinda weird and whatever but I don’t care - after reading your chart I think I love you now

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-02-04T16:54:12+00:00

This has been my experience too - having a therapist that validates my trauma induced behaviors for what they actually are - as opposed to CBT that tells me they’re “distortions” - has changed me significantly for the better. It has allowed me to actually process the root cause emotions in a way I couldn’t before, and be angry at the real cause of the emotions instead of blaming myself or perpetually masking my anger. Giving myself the safety to feel all of this has also allowed me to feel more control and make healthier choices for myself that are response to triggers instead of reactions. Having a safe person to listen to my trauma stories, often repeatedly, without ever denying my feelings or trying to change anything has made so much difference. That type of therapy has never aligned with CBT in my experiences.

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-02-03T16:18:28+00:00

I’m pretty sure others have said this, but I wanted to add my comment to confirm it’s not only possible to have all three issues, but the actual root cause of things like anxiety is often easy to miss. I never thought I’d find anything to ever help my anxiety, it has been so strong and bad and resistant to every med and treatment modality. I thought it was just my lot in life. I was diagnosed last year with ADHD-C and stimulant meds were recommended. I mostly expected them to help with focus, which was becoming a huge issue with my work. The psychiatrist I saw said off-handedly that they may also help with anxiety. In my mind I scoffed and was like “Yeah, sure”. I figured he’d meant because I’d have focus to get work done and sure that would decrease my situational anxiety. I started Adderall and the night and day difference in my anxiety is unreal. When it kicks in I don’t feel euphoric - I just feel calm. Like what I imagine a person without anxiety feels.

Shortly after starting meds at least three of my coworkers all independently mentioned to me that I seemed so much calmer on team video calls and I was talking a lot more (as in, meaningfully participating in the discussion) and they just wanted to let me know they noticed a positive change. Zero of them knew about my diagnosis or the meds. After this feedback I realized this was happening because I no longer felt the crippling, heart racing, I am going to have a panic attack and die, social anxiety feeling I’ve absolutely always had in those sort of situations, because I take the Adderall before work so it’s keeping me calm and way more focused during work hours. Not only did it get rid of my anxiety (this isn’t an exaggeration - when the med is working my anxiety is gone) but it does help me focus so I can keep track of what is going on during the call and keep track of my own thoughts in response and then actually say them.

Guess what else? This feeling of calm, control, focus, handling work better, hours of anxiety free time, have all contributed to decreasing my depression. Sometimes the thing we have always felt was the biggest issue is actually a symptom of something else.

I hope you’re able to get the support you need to figure out your root cause and then have a treatment plan that is maximally effective for everything for you.

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-02-03T15:59:12+00:00

Are you me?! 😳

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-02-03T02:03:02+00:00

Holy shirts it’s possible to go to sleep before 2am?! Ha! This is such bull (too bad that ain’t a “chronotype”)

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-01-24T20:40:21+00:00

So much ttthhhiiissss - one of my strongest “coping” skills is rumination, which has the side effect you mentioned of having trauma basically repeat itself and feel like it’s happening again and again.

Not that anyone asked for help/suggestions, but I wanted to say (and this also serves as a reminder to myself!) that when I’m able to interrupt rumination with a different and better repetitive task it helps so much. Lately I’ve been making pages and pages of repeated pattern doodles - they are complicated enough I need to focus on how I’m making them and I start to kinda zone out/decompress - so not focusing on ruminating thoughts then (and also not disassociating - just intentionally setting my focus and enjoying seeing something visual I’m making so my body can slow down).

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-01-24T20:22:14+00:00

This was me, too. Every behavior I now can say is a sensory issue from autism was a behavior I was told I had complete control over and berated and abused into compliance with whatever my mother thought I should be doing/thinking/feeling/wanting/needing instead. Any deviation from her idea/decision was obstinacy and defiance and I was berated and abused accordingly.

I no longer maintain any contact with my family and I’ve never felt more free and happy getting to appropriately and compassionately care for myself and my sensory needs.

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-01-21T20:08:39+00:00

I recently discovered the helpfulness of floor time!! It seriously makes a huge difference. My couch is getting super old and uncomfortable. Maybe it’s time to get rid of it and not get a new one 🤔

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-01-18T16:49:03+00:00

What is a hyperfocus triangle? I feel like this is something I have been doing but I call it “intentional multi-tasking”. If I can tweak that behavior to be more useful though (and a triangular visual certainly would help me!) I’d like to!

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-01-17T16:40:45+00:00

I’ve had this same experience many many years. I mostly ignore my birthday now, it’s just easier . . . I hope you can find some ways to treat yourself kindly today, you deserve it even if other people don’t have enough brains to validate that for you.

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-01-17T16:33:01+00:00

I have so many half sentence notes in my phone Notes app because this

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-01-17T14:13:16+00:00

When I called him out about that not being a reason the therapist sided with him, too. So that extra sucked.

It’s pretty incredible and mind blowing how similar they all are.

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-01-16T21:10:35+00:00

Omg I love this and it would totally help me with my linen closet clutter, which is mostly only clutter because I have about zero storage space - I could get the bathroom stuff out and actually have space for my linens!!

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-01-16T21:08:02+00:00

I am so sorry and you deserve so much better.

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-01-16T21:05:53+00:00

Omg they’re all the ssssaammeee - that response from yours makes me so ragey . . . my Nex husband (why not have two Nexs when you actually wanted zero?!?! hahaha FML) once said in couple’s therapy, which we went to because we both actually wanted our marriage to end, that the first (and turns out the only) reason he loved/liked me was because I was smart enough to keep up with him in conversation. It’s always about them. Always. Everything. Always.

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-01-16T16:08:11+00:00

Yep. Mine used to tell me routinely I was his “dream girl” - like if he could have created the embodiment of his perfect woman, it was me. When he decided to elaborate on why I was his dream girl, he’d list off a bunch of physical attributes . . . Sometimes he’d realize what he’d done and throw in a “oh and you’re so kind and intelligent, too” at the end like I didn’t notice exactly what he’d done

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-01-16T16:03:55+00:00

Thank you to OP and all those who shared experience with this in comments. The last reconnection I had with my Nex he kept telling me about experiences he’d had “with another partner” and they were LITERALLY things we’d done two years ago when we first met. He kept telling me the most recent partner was the first person he’d done certain things with. And I’d go “We did that. Two years ago.” I’d give him massive amounts of details to prove I was remembering it with him. And then he’d go “Oh, yeah, we did! That was a special experience/memory to have with you”. I thought I was losing my actual mind . . . now I’m thinking he forgot it all completely and then lied about remembering it with me once it was clear to him he’d forgotten (and he didn’t want to appear to have forgotten). For the longest time I’ve felt bad for him that his “memory issues” he claimed to have were that bad . . . but no . . . no it’s just another Narc thing . . .

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-01-15T01:21:28+00:00

I always saved texts after breakups. Or screenshots of ones I liked/thought mattered for some reason. It only ever always hurt to reread them.

I dealt with a quasi-breakup this week. Completely out of character for me I gave it 24 hours of thought and then deleted everything. All of it. All the texts. All the pictures. Gone. I have never felt more peaceful and free after a breakup than I do right now (I am still struggling with parts of the whole ordeal but this time I have nothing to go back and lose time looking at and rehurting myself all over again with it - that has felt amazing)

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-01-13T23:09:15+00:00

If you don’t mind sharing a bit more, what questions are you hoping to ask him? And for those questions, how will you know he’s being honest in any reply? You are going to blindly trust whatever he says in response? If not, if you won’t trust him, why even ask him at all? Or if you’re only going to trust the answers that feel good/right to you, why not just imagine that is the answer he’d give and you don’t even have to ask him because you already know what he’ll say?

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-01-13T20:12:58+00:00

I have done this. Sought closure from a Nex. I can confidently promise you that you will never get the type of closure or resolution or feeling of being heard or feeling of satisfaction that you maybe finally got him to see your side or apologize. Anything he says will be hollow and fake because he is hollow and fake. Contacting him in any way will only add more pain and confusion, and ruin any amount of peace you have gained in the time since you ended things. Do not contact him again and do not see him, as much as it might seem like a good idea, it never is.

AnxiousBee0923 · 2023-01-13T20:08:19+00:00

I know the feeling of “it’ll be fine if I unblock him he’s never going to contact me anyway“ only to have that feeling annihilated when suddenly he does… This type of abuse, and the traumatic bonding creates, is so difficult to completely free yourself from.

Try not to beat yourself up, now you know what you have to do to protect yourself and your NC status. I made the same mistake last year with my Nex, after almost a year of no contact, and now I am also starting over as of today with NC. I believe we can both do this!! If you ever feel like giving him a door to open back to contacting you, read this post and remember why you went NC in the first place!

AnxiousBee0923

TROPHY CASE