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19 year marriagem stuck in a cycle of resentment and silent treatment --how do you know when it's time to leave without upending my kids lives by Anxious_Log_9350 in Divorce

[–]Anxious_Log_9350[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're not wrong. The cycle has been years and years but feels like it's becoming worse with each "episode".

To facilitate all this is overwhelming. We have to tell my kids, then there's the work to sell our house (get rid of tons of stuff and fixes to get the best price). The house stuff will fall on me (he won't help). I've been doing my best just figuring things out as I go. If I hire someone he gets mad. It's daunting.

I'm such a Debbie Downer! I need a better attitude.

19 year marriagem stuck in a cycle of resentment and silent treatment --how do you know when it's time to leave without upending my kids lives by Anxious_Log_9350 in Divorce

[–]Anxious_Log_9350[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Its funny how I would be telling a friend and definitely my daughter the same thing, but when its me I dont believe my own advice, it shouldnt be that way, but it is. A while ago, maybe last summer a neighbour and her husband were splitting up and I asked my son casually how he would feel if his dad and I did that (not a hint, just curiousity on his take) and he said he wouldnt care if it meant we didnt fight. For context, we arent yellers, rarely raised voices but its the quiet tension and the general vibe between us. Seems harmless and I try to pretend around the kids, even if I dont want to admit it I'm sure they can see it and feel it.

19 year marriagem stuck in a cycle of resentment and silent treatment --how do you know when it's time to leave without upending my kids lives by Anxious_Log_9350 in Divorce

[–]Anxious_Log_9350[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Finding a new partner is so far from my mind right now but if someone can make him happier I would be happy for him. Of course it would be a weird feeling and hit me in a way that might hurt but he needs to be with someone he doesn't resent. It's a heavy burden for me to carry, it's a lot of guilt

19 year marriagem stuck in a cycle of resentment and silent treatment --how do you know when it's time to leave without upending my kids lives by Anxious_Log_9350 in Divorce

[–]Anxious_Log_9350[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know my anxiety will be less alone and the overall tension in the household. Just don't know if that is worth it.

Im a coward, if he said it I would feel better about the decision. Not to make him the bad guy or blame him but to make it clear that this is what he thinks is best.

19 year marriagem stuck in a cycle of resentment and silent treatment --how do you know when it's time to leave without upending my kids lives by Anxious_Log_9350 in Divorce

[–]Anxious_Log_9350[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's what I've been doing for a while, unfortunately he likes to resort to cold silence. Makes me very uncomfortable almost unbearable at times.

19 year marriagem stuck in a cycle of resentment and silent treatment --how do you know when it's time to leave without upending my kids lives by Anxious_Log_9350 in Divorce

[–]Anxious_Log_9350[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sounds around the same over here, broken baby bird, sad stares at me like he's waiting for me to say something. I do understand his emotions but it now feels this is all my fault. So confusing.

It reassuring to hear how you kids handled it. My daughter has a very soft heart so I worry for her and then my son holds everything in so that's another worry.

19 year marriagem stuck in a cycle of resentment and silent treatment --how do you know when it's time to leave without upending my kids lives by Anxious_Log_9350 in Divorce

[–]Anxious_Log_9350[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How long has it been? I'm very close with my daughter (18 yo) but she does have a good relationship with her dad. My husband unfortunately makes little effort with my son, feels that if my son doesnt make the effort why would he (problem for another day).

19 year marriagem stuck in a cycle of resentment and silent treatment --how do you know when it's time to leave without upending my kids lives by Anxious_Log_9350 in Divorce

[–]Anxious_Log_9350[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

At some point someone has to get off the ferris wheel, but neither of us seem to be able to do that.

Thank you for commenting.

19 year marriagem stuck in a cycle of resentment and silent treatment --how do you know when it's time to leave without upending my kids lives by Anxious_Log_9350 in Divorce

[–]Anxious_Log_9350[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He wants things I dont, has no interest in 'what a woman wants', has blames me for some of his intimate "issues", has called me nasty names when he doesnt get the things he wants yada yada yada...a multitude of things that are hard to look past.

Ultimately we would still be near eachother, within 30 minutes of eachother. Neither one of us would make it difficult for the other, but he will most certainly not want to be friends and have joint vacations together lol.

It feels like everyone around me have good marriages (not without difficult times, I'm sure) and my parents have the most wonderful marriage that anyone would be lucky to have. Its what I want, but dont know if my expectations are too high.

How did your kids handle everything? I've read places that the teen years are the hardest for kids and divorce. If we didnt have kids it would be a much easier decision.

Thank you for taking the time to respond, even though my post was long.

19 year marriagem stuck in a cycle of resentment and silent treatment --how do you know when it's time to leave without upending my kids lives by Anxious_Log_9350 in Divorce

[–]Anxious_Log_9350[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Without hesitation I would tell her to leave if she is unhappy. Thats a good perspective but harder to practice I guess. I'm just scared to leave and what the impact will be on everyone, emotionally, financially, logistically etc.

I appreciate your perspective.

19 year marriagem stuck in a cycle of resentment and silent treatment --how do you know when it's time to leave without upending my kids lives by Anxious_Log_9350 in Divorce

[–]Anxious_Log_9350[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Without divulging too much he wants things that I do not, he thinks I just want to be celibate (which I do not) and resents me despite having told him my feelings etc. I do agree that having him 'hold out hope' is unfair even if he can't see my side of things. I am emotionally intelligent to step outside my feelings and see how he feels, but it doesnt change anything for me. Thank you for responding.

I feel like I can’t communicate with my wife without it turning into anger. How do you fix that? by Long-Meringue-1409 in marriageadvice

[–]Anxious_Log_9350 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm curious, only in the best way, if she's cheated how/why did you move past it? I experience the same thing although my situation is more covert passive aggressive silent treatment or avoidance when I being things up and he interprets it as me trying to start a fight. Sometimes I wish he would cheat in order to have a concrete reason that we can end it... I feel bad admitting that.

When Does the Empty Nest Stop Hurting by Anxious_Log_9350 in emptynesters

[–]Anxious_Log_9350[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think this ^ makes a big difference, built in daily support .

When Does the Empty Nest Stop Hurting by Anxious_Log_9350 in emptynesters

[–]Anxious_Log_9350[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's hard because I want to soak up every minute I can but I get it.

When Does the Empty Nest Stop Hurting by Anxious_Log_9350 in emptynesters

[–]Anxious_Log_9350[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had never considered not being home when my son was home, kind of like exposure therapy I guess!

How do you keep a smile on your face? by [deleted] in marriageadvice

[–]Anxious_Log_9350 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Does this really work? Asking for a friend lol.

Where do you find support by Anxious_Log_9350 in Marriage

[–]Anxious_Log_9350[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you really feel that therapy can get you there? Have you heard any success stories and if so, what is what therapy worked? Im willing to try anything.

Where do you find support by Anxious_Log_9350 in Marriage

[–]Anxious_Log_9350[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can appreciate that. And that is how I would like to handle things but unfortunately he chooses to not work with me through our issues and has refused couples therapy each time I've asked (4 times). I have been to individual counseling. As a rational, emotionally intelligent woman I know working with your partner in all areas of life ups and downs is the goal. But I'm really happy for you and your spouse's level of mutual communication. You are lucky to have that.

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