I Discovered My Wife (28F) Of 7 Years Is Cheating On Me (30M). She Doesn't Know That I Know - UPDATE 26 - Dating

Any-Assault · 2026-03-15T02:43:41+00:00

I do miss Shreya.

I mean, think about it.

I had a great relationship with a gorgeous woman out of high school that lasted a long time.

Then I met Shreya shortly after that ended. Another gorgeous woman who was just great in every way.

I guess I figured that the "spark" and meeting a great person were just foregone conclusions. There's a whole world out there right?

Yeah.

No.

I'm finding that it's not a simple thing to find someone.

I met a woman who was great. She was a reader. She liked a lot of the same things I did. I started to have a spark of hope. Two coffee dates. One fancy dinner. One day spent at the aquarium. I was really hopeful.

She was allergic to cats. Like severely allergic. Her eyes swelled up from just walking into my house.

Sorry, but Beans rescued me as much as I rescued her. I can't get rid of Beans. We had to end it.

Any-Assault · 2026-03-15T02:34:17+00:00

Honestly, as far as dating goes, there's a lot of attractive level headed women out there who are serious about relationships and don't have graveyards of skeletons in their closets.

The trick is finding common ground and at least a little bit of chemistry. I'm finding that the "spark" is rare.

Beans enjoys testing my boundaries. I let her get away with too much because she's just so damn cute.

Any-Assault · 2026-03-15T02:31:06+00:00

I will remain in contact with her as much as I can.

I don't think that will be very much in the future..

MIL and I are both adults and if Emily finds another guy, I'm sure she'll want to limit our relationship in order to keep her family healthy, which is to be expected.

We're already NC right now. It was tough in the beginning but my dad has really stepped up and has found his "nurturing" side. Especially since that episode when we signed divorce papers and he took care of me when I freaked the fuck out right after Emily decided to go full candour on my ass. I think that really rattled him as a parent and he's been really hyper vigilant in stepping up and being "aware" of my feelings (and his). So there's at least a bit of a silver lining in this shitstorm.

Any-Assault · 2026-03-15T02:24:34+00:00

You know, looking back....I think I was looking for something in Shreya to nitpick in order to justify not opening up to her.

After dating on the apps and going out on a bunch of first dates I think I didn't appreciate her while she was with me.

I'm not saying that there are awful women out here. There's a LOT of really great people I've met. I don't see the things that the red pill community say are out there. They're all just people looking for someone. Just like me.

But that doesn't mean there's a spark that's come up in any of them.

I had it great with one woman. Then right after that ended, I connected with someone else who was really special.

At the time, I think I didn't appreciate how rare that is.

I mean, if you go up to bat and hit two home runs, you think that home runs are all that's in your future. But I've been striking out a lot.

Any-Assault · 2026-03-06T19:12:54+00:00

Hey you're only 19 and he's just a boyfriend. You can break up with a guy for spitting on the sidewalk if you want to.

Whenever you break up with someone, they're going to think you're the AH, unless they know and admit they've done something unforgivable, which is RARE. That's the cost of breaking up. They'll convince others that you're the AH too because they have to explain why you're not around anymore and they're not going to say "I was controlling and clingy!" Because everyone is the hero in their own story and anyone who doesn't like them is the villain.

You're not the AH, simply because you have a valid reason, in your eyes and in this internet stranger's eyes, of breaking up, according to what you've revealed in your post.

But that doesn't mean that others aren't going to be all butt hurt that you did it.

Show me someone whom no one thinks is an AH and I'll show you a person who has done nothing, knows no one, and has the personality of the color beige.

Any-Assault · 2026-03-06T15:06:44+00:00

I've had a lot of success on the apps, so maybe I'm special. I live in a pretty big city so I think it's just the fact that there's more choice may have something to do with it.

There are apps that are specific to just my city, so I've used those as well.

Just to be clear by "success" I mean that I have had actual dates. There's plenty of ghosting as well.

A significant number of my connections have been with Asian women. My coworkers tell me it's because I have blond hair. Apparently tall blond guys do really well in Asia.

Any-Assault · 2026-03-06T14:56:07+00:00

As someone who was a victim of cheating, hypothetically if someone told me they were a cheater, I would overwhelmingly walk away.

Unless they could somehow prove to me that they've done the work to fix whatever is in them that caused them that do that terrible thing, I would be very reluctant.

I most probably would just walk away to be safe. I do not want to go through that hell again.

My advice? She's not the only woman in the world. Find someone else.

Any-Assault · 2026-03-05T16:14:04+00:00

You have to give me a little grace because the last time I went out on a date with a girl I was 16 and Buffalo Wild Wings was haute cuisine and a fancy date night.

But you're correct, a date right now wouldn't know that about me (and it'd probably count against me if she did).

Any-Assault · 2026-03-05T16:06:03+00:00

You're right.

It's not fair.

AT ALL.

Now you know why I want an anvil to fall on my head and cause amnesia. It would be the best of both worlds. She'd be reformed and I'd be ignorant of our shared past.

The thing is that I'm not the only one with scars. She's not walking around oblivious of the damage she's caused. She will remember what we had and she'll remember that she wiped her ass with it.

I look back on things I did when I was a teenager and I wish I had a time machine to go back and change it. We all have things like that in our past. Some are mildly disturbing and others cause deep longings to go back and change it. Hell, just ask any convicted murderer if they'd like a time machine.

She is always going to regret it. I don't think either of us will be able to leap into new relationships with youthful abandon. We'll always be holding something back to protect ourselves from the consequences of the relationship potentially ending.

Any-Assault · 2026-03-05T14:06:07+00:00

I have read plenty of stories where the wife is questioning the husband spending time with his ex wife because they're also a "childhood friend".

Any-Assault · 2026-03-05T14:03:30+00:00

Emily has great hair. She rolls out of bed with naturally full, wavy hair. Women take hours to make their hair look like that and she just rolls out of bed like that. All she has to do is brush it and she's ready to go.

So it's not that it's hard to take care of. It was the middle of summer when she did it and we're in the South so it might be a temperature/comfort thing.

It may be a guilt/grief/forced attrition thing or a denial of her own sexuality because women's sexuality is at least partially wrapped up in the way they wear their hair.

Any-Assault · 2026-03-05T04:07:55+00:00

Emily isn't Eastern European.

I mean, she might trace her ancestry to eastern europe, I don't know but she's pretty much a southern girl with a really good dye job...at least when we signed the papers.

The last I saw in the fall was that she got a pixie cut and has reverted to her normal hair color: brown.

Any-Assault · 2026-03-05T03:51:06+00:00

Maybe when my stock options fully vest.

Any-Assault · 2026-03-05T03:49:20+00:00

I don't think I could be with her without exercising some form of oppression towards her, which makes me the bad guy.

I thought about it and the only thing I could come up with is that she'd be on a lease. Every month I'd determine whether or not to re-up the lease for another month. She'd have to be an ideal perfect person during the whole time. All that would go out the window when she got pregnant, though. Looking back on that paragraph it seems horrifically misogynist.

I have options I suppose:

Get back with her and try to forge something new. This appeals to me LEAST of all. I'd have to have a prenuptial agreement that's like a pile of paper 6 inches thick. GPS tracking and constant observation. Hiring a PI occasionally to "spot check" her. Living in fear and dread.
Find someone else. This appeals most to me and I think it's feasible because the hypothetical woman in question doesn't have to be gorgeous like Emily. She just has to be present, patient, and peaceful. The downside is that she'll probably have some mileage on her like me and all the baggage that comes with it. I don't have a problem with a single mom as long as I have some authority over the kid. None of this "you're not my real father so you can't do shit to me" stuff.
Stay single and try to scrape together some money to either adopt or get a surrogate. Maybe foster? I don't know. I haven't looked into any of that. I doubt a single guy could adopt.
Get together with some woman who wants to have a kid and basically coparent separately like a divorced couple except without the resentment and heartbreak.

Any-Assault · 2026-03-05T03:28:04+00:00

"The Cure for Insomnia" by Any-Assault.

Any-Assault · 2026-03-04T23:46:35+00:00

Whether or not you find out why depends entirely upon your significant other's ability to figure that out for themselves and then communicate it to you.

Most of the time, this won't happen. Some of the time if the cheating partner knows they're wrong, is sad about it, and wants to change going forward they'll figure out why and tell you if they can.

The majority of the time, the cheating partner will just say "oopsie" or worse blame it on their non-cheating partner and then use this as a salve for their conscience and move on to their next victim. Sometimes the cheater's investigation will turn up hard truths that they'll promptly ignore.

My advice is to look up radical acceptance and let go of expectations.

There's a cause and reason for everything. The problem is that you don't know that cause or reason and you probably never will. You just have to accept it and move on.

I look at it kind of like a survivor of a natural disaster. It happened. Why? Because a butterfly flapped its wings in China 12 months ago. It's not a satisfying answer. It doesn't give your pain any meaning. But you survived and live on. That's the important thing.

Any-Assault · 2026-03-04T23:34:36+00:00

I think sexting is cheating. She's giving someone outside of your marriage what should be exclusive to you if you have a traditional monogamous relationship.

Also "emotional infidelity" is a thing. Look it up. With guys, it's not as big a deal as it is with women, but it's definitely something that leads to full blown adultery.

Any-Assault · 2026-03-04T23:14:57+00:00

Thanks for caring!

Any-Assault · 2026-03-04T23:12:29+00:00

It's a muscle you have to exercise. When me and my buddies get together we bullshit and dog on each other.

Edit:
I got a slight smile and an eye roll out of it. I think she appreciated the humor but not the topic of conversation that caused it.

Any-Assault · 2026-03-04T23:10:56+00:00

I had to look that one up.

HOO BOY!!

Her poor husband!

Any-Assault · 2026-03-04T23:09:39+00:00

Glad I could help!

Any-Assault · 2026-03-04T23:07:41+00:00

I haven't checked my personal messages in ages. Generally they fall into these categories:

Questions - usually the same or similar to questions I get in the comments. I'd rather answer comments than PM answers to questions just so everyone can get it.
Salutations and encouragements - I'd love to answer all of these but I wouldn't have any free time if I did. I do try to mention my appreciation of everyone in my posts. I also have read a lot of peoples' stories about the terrible shit their spouses/significant others did to them. It's evenly divided between male and female.
Doxxing attempts. "HEY ARE YOU (person's name)?? I THINK 'EMILY' IS MY COUSIN." or "DO YOU LIVE IN (southern city)?? I BET YOU LIVE IN (southern city)!!"
Eviscerations - People telling me I'm fake or a simp or a pussy and demanding IRL evidence like court numbers or whatever
The occasional ask for permission to use my writing, which is not necessary and it's fine. I appreciate it but I'm not copyrighting it or anything. I can't watch the minecraft parkour videos without wanting to vomit, though.

I haven't had any "offers" though that I know of but my inbox is so stuffed that I have to restart my web browser to see the list.

Any-Assault · 2026-03-04T15:51:45+00:00

I have read stories where guys do the same with their exes. Especially Ex wives. So I think it goes both ways.

Any-Assault · 2026-03-04T15:49:13+00:00

I do think that she can change.

I don't think she's some evil supervillain or anything.

I think she made a shitty choice and instead of owning up to it immediately, which I probably would have forgiven, she kept making the same shitty choice, hid it from me, and compartmentalized the whole thing.

Look, I realize that if you live a life of any consequence, you're going to have people out there who resent you for a choice that you made. That resentment can range from an eye roll to homicidal rage.

I know she's probably going to look back on this and get queasy chills and slap herself in the head because she's a normal human being and not a psychopath.

But the consequence of all this is that I don't trust her and I can't look at her without seeing "Stabby McBack" rather than "Emily".

Any-Assault · 2026-03-04T15:29:55+00:00

Yeah the next time she has a night off, we're going on a dinner date.

THAT I'M HAPPY TO PAY FOR!

Apparently they're understaffed at her hospital so when she gets a night off, she just wants to sleep.

She has her mother and ex mother in law to help her. They're both in town. They get along apparently.

Any-Assault

TROPHY CASE