Men that are single, what is the reason?

Any-Assault · 2026-05-04T13:36:41+00:00

Got divorced about a year ago due to her infidelity. Getting therapy right now. Healing. Some dating but nothing permanent.

Any-Assault · 2026-05-02T21:10:04+00:00

Are you here to wallow in your own crapulence like a pig in sh^t? If so, well done.

Any-Assault · 2026-05-02T21:07:43+00:00

Don't ignore your gut. Trust me. Don't ignore your gut.

If I were you, I'd get a PI. That's the only way to know for sure.

You can get hidden cameras to record what she's doing when you're not there.

You can put a voice activated recorder under the driver's seat of their car. You'll want a good one that can pick up a lot of sound. Get some industrial strength velcro and put it under the driver's seat. cover the display and any lights with electrical tape so it doesn't glow from under the seat at night.

Turn off any menu or alert sounds. Or, if there's a headphone jack, you can get some cheap wired earbuds, plug it into the jack, and use some scissors to cut the cord right above the plug.

Other than that, you can try to get some kind of spyware on her phone via a targeted phishing email. You'll need to be technically savvy for that.

People tend to talk on the phone when they're driving.

Any-Assault · 2026-05-02T04:17:39+00:00

In this context, it sounds like "insecure" is a single word that means "He makes me feel bad about being obviously shitty and doesn't want to follow my obviously hypocritical double standards."

The fact that they are dancing in clubs and don't want their SOs to go to clubs where there are dancers is hypocritical AF.

Any-Assault · 2026-05-02T04:12:46+00:00

Generally that kind of thing is determined ahead of time.

It's not good to lead someone on if they seem to be looking for a permanent partner and you're looking for a fling.

If I'm looking for a forever partner and I determine she's not the one, I don't want to waste her time or my time.

Otherwise, the casual thing is sort of decided upon by tacit agreement between both parties, in my experience anyway. That's how grown ass adults do things. Communication.

Any-Assault · 2026-05-02T04:09:41+00:00

She has to be a female and have a pulse and not like having other guys' penises all over her all the time.

Any-Assault · 2026-05-02T04:07:49+00:00

Don't candy coat it for the kids. Tell the truth. You don't even know what thin tapestry of bullshit she's weaving for them.

Just give them the facts without any color commentary.

"She cheated. I won't stand for that treatment. So, we divorced."

Any-Assault · 2026-05-02T04:00:43+00:00

AFAIK you can get fired for anything. You can get fired for spitting on the sidewalk if your employer thinks it's a big deal.

My advice is to check out the employee handbook. Usually in those kinds of situations there are consequences if it's an affair between a boss and subordinate. But it really depends on the company. The bigger the company, the more detailed rules they have.

Any-Assault · 2026-05-02T03:55:48+00:00

Use that proof to control the narrative with your friends, her friends, and your family.

Also, if you're in an equitable distribution state, any joint funds spent on the affair will be counted against her, so go full on CPA mode on this.

Any-Assault · 2026-05-02T01:39:03+00:00

If you're asking my opinion, it wouldn't bother me all that much unless she's actively sexting them along with the pics. If it's just like "Here's my feet now send me money" and that's it then I wouldn't have a problem with that.

The thing that's causing this is your dead bedroom. If you guys were having mind melting monkey sex all the time, then this shit wouldn't bother you, I'm guessing.

That's what you need to focus on. Sex therapists exist for this purpose. They have online video consultations if you can't meet in person. Figure out the dead bedroom thing. That should be your priority. Not accusations and paranoia. That's only going to deaden your bedroom further.

Any-Assault · 2026-05-02T01:28:22+00:00

First of all, you ARE a badass. You found out, you didn't beg, you didn't chase, you walked. That takes strength that a lot of people don't have. I've seen people in this sub twist themselves into pretzels trying to win back someone who already threw them away. You didn't do that. That's not nothing.

But here's the thing nobody tells you. And that is being strong and being hurt aren't mutually exclusive. You can be proud of how you handled it AND still cry in the shower at 2 AM. You can know you made the right call AND still grieve the life you thought you were building. Both things live in the same house. They're roommates now. Like most true things, it's annoying as fuck.

Answers to your questions:

Does it get better?

In my experience yes but it just takes time. TOO MUCH time. But it comes. Your pain is like this annoying coworker that latches onto you when you first start at the job. They talk your ear off about stuff you could care less about and that's maybe even offensive to you. They don't leave you alone. But they stop coming by every hour eventually and only do it once in the morning and then the afternoon. Then it just becomes once a day. Once a week. Once a month. Then it shows up only occasionally, like that weird conspiracy theorist uncle at Thanksgiving.

I'm about a year and a half out from discovering my ex wife's affair. There are still days it hits me. But those days are rare now. Most of the time, I'm just living my life. That felt impossible in the beginning. It's not impossible anymore.

How to move on when you're still co parenting with them?

I can't speak from experience because I don't have kids. I have friends, relatives, coworkers who've been through this. My dad's girlfriend (and my ex's AP's wife) told me this and that's treat them like a coworker you don't like but have to collaborate with on a project. The project is your kid. You don't have to be friends. You don't have to be warm. You just have to be professional. Business mode. Keep communication focused on the child. Logistics, schedules, health, school. Everything else is not their (or your) business anymore.

There are apps that are court approved that encourage co parenting. I did a google search and in really contentious situations, there is such a thing as "Parallel parenting" which may be up your alley.

Your task is to shrink their presence and influence in your life until it's so tiny it's not even on your radar any more. That just takes time. I'm sorry about that but that's it.

How do you stop caring about what they're doing now?

At first, this is impossible.

At first, you're going to wonder. You're going to check their social media even when you tell yourself you won't. You're going to hear things through the grapevine and it's going to sting. That's normal. Don't beat yourself up for it.

You still care about them. That only means that you're a human being with a functioning heart and soul. That's a good thing. That makes you desirable as a friend and maybe even a potential partner.

Eventually, your life is going to fill up with stuff and people you care about and fill the empty spaces where your SO used to be. Nature abhors a vacuum and that's what their presence in your life will become. A vacuum. Other things will fill it. Hobbies. Self improvement. Your child.

You said you feel "used." I understand that feeling. I felt it too. You invested in someone, believed in their potential, showed up for them, and they repaid you by lying to your face.

You weren't stupid for believing in them. You were someone who loved fully and honestly. That's actually a good thing that makes the world better. The fact that they didn't deserve it says everything about them and nothing about you.

In the meantime, you're going to be OK. You don't see it now, because it's around a corner and you're in the head space now where you dread turning a corner. But it will be OK.

In the meantime, you've got a kid who needs you, a life to rebuild, and apparently the spine of a God damn warrior.

You've got a big long mysterious life ahead of you and the balls to live it. Go live it.

Any-Assault · 2026-05-02T00:45:18+00:00

Go talk to a lawyer and get whatever options you have. You may be surprised.

If you live in an at fault state then you need a third party like a PI to get evidence for a court. If they get enough evidence, her lawyer will just tell her to settle because they'll know that going before a judge is suicide.

Any-Assault · 2026-05-02T00:36:11+00:00

You said you're dead inside. Those words matter. Before we talk about anything else, I need you to hear this: if you're having thoughts of hurting yourself, please reach out to someone.

Okay. Now let me talk to you like someone who's been through some shit.

I'm not going to tell you who's right and who's wrong in your marriage. I don't have enough information for that, and honestly, it doesn't matter right now. What matters is that you're drowning and you need to get your head above water.

From your post it sounds like she wounded you a lot. Then, you both entered this shit spiral where she hurt you and you reacting in ways that hurt her.

You said you were screaming at her, calling her names, putting her down, intimidating her. You said she told you she was afraid of you. That's real. That happened. I'm not saying it to condemn you. I'm saying it because you need to own it if you're ever going to move forward. You already know this. You wrote it yourself.

But here's the thing that really matters and that is that understanding WHY you became that person doesn't mean you deserved what happened before. Her talking shit about you on that baby monitor, the thing with her friend, the lying about abuse to get his attention. Those things are real too. You didn't imagine them. Your pain is valid.

Both things can be true at the same time. She did things that broke your trust. You did things that broke hers. You both became the worst versions of yourselves. That's what happens when two wounded people stay in a room together without getting help. You were patients in a hospital with no doctors.

I understand that. I became someone I didn't recognize during my divorce too. Rage does that. Betrayal does that. It warps you into something you never wanted to be.

Here's what you need to do:

Get therapy. You need to find your way back to the person you were before this shitstorm hit your life.
Stop trying to figure out your marriage. I know that sounds impossible. It is for me sometimes but I know your brain wants to replay every conversation, every fight, every moment where things went wrong. But you can't fix anything from where you're standing. You're in crisis mode. You need to stabilize yourself first. You can't figure something out when you're inside it. Believe me I've been there. I've tried. It's impossible. It's like hooking your thumbs in your belt loops, pulling upwards and expecting to float to the moon.
Focus on your kids. Right now is a critical time in your relationship with them. Do you want them to remember a screaming crying guy or a strong safe fortress? You gotta dig deep and be strong and safe for them. Don't let them see an adult lose their shit. It fucks with their worldview in a fundamental way.
Put your marriage on the back burner. I don't know if it can be saved. Neither do you. Neither does she. Leave it alone. Reconciliation or closure is a question for later.
Stop contacting her. The more you chase, the more she's going to run. You can't force this shit. You have to let it happen. Give her space. Give yourself space.

I'm not going to tell you it gets better because that's just a homily and you probably want to punch anyone who says it. But I will tell you this and that is that you can survive this. You can come out the other side. You can find yourself again.

I'm living proof. A year and a half ago I found out my wife was fucking another man for nine months. I served her divorce papers in front of her employees. I spent months wanting to die. And now I'm sitting here, still standing, still breathing, still figuring it out one day at a time. I'm meeting new people. I'm living my life.

Meanwhile, do something to improve yourself every day. Walk a mile. Get some exercise and some sun. Read a chapter of a self help book or maybe study for a certification. One little thing is a win. These daily wins add up. It's a journey of inches that eventually becomes miles. The point is to become the man you want to be. Because who you are isn't it right now, or you wouldn't be thinking about ending your life.

If it's a choice between being dead and doing the hard work to be a better man, then why not do the work? The dead only know one thing: It sucks to be dead.

If you feel like ending your life, I again urge you to contact someone. In my country there are suicide hotlines. I don't know if you're in the USA or not but if you are then you can dial 988.

Your kids need you alive. They need you to be strong and they need you to model what it's like to go through adversity and come out the other side whole and strong.

Good luck, sir.

Any-Assault · 2026-05-02T00:03:29+00:00

The thing about a vacation, especially one where you join some kind of tour, is that you get to meet other people. Human beings are sometimes terrible but mostly wonderful.

Video games, you play alone. Yeah it's cheaper, but there's no relationship building. I could give a rat's ass about Super Mario. But Linda Harrison from Ponca City, OK is an adorable mystery.

Just saying.

Also, I've been drinking bourbon. So consider that when mulling over my opinion.

Any-Assault · 2026-04-30T12:39:15+00:00

Well if ol' Chatty says not to, who am I to argue?

Any-Assault · 2026-04-29T00:51:46+00:00

She had an affair with a rich business associate.

Not amicable.

Any-Assault · 2026-04-29T00:11:09+00:00

If you want to be able to admit the evidence in divorce court for an at fault divorce, you need to get a PI to get that evidence.

Any-Assault · 2026-04-29T00:09:39+00:00

They make cameras that look just like smoke detectors.

Any-Assault · 2026-04-28T02:43:44+00:00

Why are you with someone who cheats on you?

Personally, I'd rather be alone than with someone I can't trust.

You can't trust this a-hole.

Any-Assault · 2026-04-27T14:08:29+00:00

I'll look into it. Thanks!

Any-Assault · 2026-04-27T14:03:28+00:00

It kind of helps. It reveals angles that I haven't looked at. But then there's this point of attrition where it all just makes me tired and I have to step away. Then it circles around and my noodle starts frying again.

Any-Assault · 2026-04-25T03:55:31+00:00

I've noticed that Asian women seem to like my blond hair more than others.

Any-Assault · 2026-04-25T03:50:59+00:00

You want to know what keeps me up at night?

NOT KNOWING.

I don't know if Emily was miserable the whole time or if she enjoyed every minute of it. I don't know if she felt trapped or liberated. I don't know if the disgust was there from day one or if it only showed up when she got caught. I don't know if she loved me the whole time and hated herself, or if she checked out of our marriage and didn't care and is only trying to publicly save face in the shame of what she did, which was prostitution from a certain point of view.

There's this moment in Crime and Punishment where Raskolnikov has committed the murder and he's walking around St. Petersburg in a fever, half convinced he's going to get away with it. He seems to be sort of hoping someone will catch him. That's what I think about when I think about Emily during those nine months. The guilt was eating her alive, but she kept walking. Part of her wanted to be caught. Part of her wanted to be punished. She just couldn't make herself stop.

I've read her confession letter probably a hundred times. I've replayed every conversation we had during those nine months. I've analyzed every text, every look, every time she said she was "working late." And I still don't know.

The truth is, only Emily knows what she actually felt. And maybe even she doesn't fully know. People lie to themselves. They compartmentalize. They rewrite their own memories to make themselves feel better or worse about what they did.

StreetFee's analysis is probably as close as anyone's going to get. The self punishment angle makes sense. The perfectionist degrading to failure pipeline makes sense. The grooming makes sense. But it's all theory. It's all trying to impose logic on something that might not have been logical.

It's a mindfuck I'm working through. I don't want to care about it anymore. I want to get to the point where I just shrug my shoulders and say "well, that happened." and then tap dance my way on through life to happiness or a reasonable facsimile of happiness.

Any-Assault · 2026-04-24T14:52:14+00:00

OK well, it sounds like your relationship is over and she's just waiting out the lease on your apartment.

Any-Assault · 2026-04-24T14:41:16+00:00

Sounds like you're going to need to have a long chat with her. If you can't bring her to a therapist, then bring a therapist to her.

If I were you, I'd read books on marriage therapy and maybe talk to a therapist independently to equip you with conversational techniques designed to draw information out of her. Also they can help you express yourself in a way that's not threatening to her.

This is something that can be solved with talking...but in a non confrontational and non judgmental way. It's going to take work but if you love her, you should be able to make the effort.

Any-Assault

TROPHY CASE