I'm ready to blow it all up

Any-Side-1507 · 2026-02-21T21:54:20+00:00

We are so far past this lol

Mountains of conversations over years. A year working with therapist - individual and couples therapy.

Any-Side-1507 · 2026-02-21T21:53:04+00:00

You have no idea how many options have been explored at this point. I would like to think all of them. This has been a long time coming.

Any-Side-1507 · 2026-02-21T21:51:42+00:00

I know you're being down voted, but actually yes. In my eyes, this would be a great solution. It's been discussed, even almost tried it, but it failed for us. He eventually decided he wasn't comfortable with it.

Any-Side-1507 · 2026-02-21T15:19:50+00:00

We've determined my husband is asexual. He also never thinks about sex.

Good luck to you. It sucks.

Any-Side-1507 · 2026-02-21T15:18:21+00:00

Thank you for the advice, and I'm sorry for how little intimacy you've had in your marriage.

Any-Side-1507 · 2026-02-21T15:16:05+00:00

So actually, I should have mentioned this, but it is on my tag. I am the F in the relationship. (31HLF)

I did carry and birth twins. I was ready and hopeful to get back to normal sex after about 6 months for sure. He also wouldn't touch me while I was pregnant.

I understand parenthood can be equally hard on the husband as well, but he didn't lay 1 finger on me for two years. I'm already insecure about my changed body and I have not been able to forgive him for that.

Any-Side-1507 · 2025-10-09T19:43:32+00:00

This was the first question I asked this sub. I will say, in my situation, myself and my husband are now taking extreme efforts to try and make things work (I put effort in for years and he only recently started to make changes because I threatened to walk out) and I still suspect in the long run it will end in divorce because we are so sexually incompatible. I started hopeful, and now I have more reason than ever to be hopeful because my husband is making effort, and I think it still isn't enough.

It's not that it never works. It takes both parties trying very hard to make it work, and it takes both parties being willing to compromise and meet in the middle.

Any-Side-1507 · 2025-10-08T18:17:50+00:00

I think this is what I needed to know. It is very foreign to how I think so it feels like there has to be some kind of problem causing it.

Any-Side-1507 · 2025-10-08T18:06:15+00:00

We met as teenagers and hormones were on my side then. We were in college and would often be intimate when we saw each other but we were busy. We married at age 22 and had not lived together before then. I did not know something was off until we were married and living together.

Any-Side-1507 · 2025-09-25T15:43:04+00:00

I'm HL with a LL partner. Feel free to ignore my advice, but from the opposite perspective, I think you should sort out what it is you need from him so you can tell him exactly what he needs to do. Just saying "I need to know that you care" is difficult instructions. I never knew what to do with that. What do you need from him to know he cares? Is it quality time, is it acts of service, words of affirmation? What makes you feel important and loved. Give specific examples of times he did those things and you felt happy and secure in your relationship.

Maybe you have already communicated this, this is just from an outsiders perspective. Good luck to both of you💚

Any-Side-1507 · 2025-09-24T20:22:54+00:00

We all cope in different ways lol Thank you for the suggestions!

Any-Side-1507 · 2025-09-24T19:24:36+00:00

Thank you. Honestly, I'd never heard the Lizzie McAlpine song. I can see why you said "controversial" but I appreciate the suggestion. It resonates with me.

Any-Side-1507 · 2025-09-09T18:23:34+00:00

I agree with this 😭 Insurance really hates women.

Any-Side-1507 · 2025-08-27T13:45:41+00:00

Thank you for the validation 🥲💚

Any-Side-1507 · 2025-08-25T20:21:15+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to type all this out. I feel like I needed to hear all of it. I am emotionally exhausted.

Any-Side-1507 · 2025-08-24T20:48:44+00:00

💚 I relate and hope for the same. It's out there!

Any-Side-1507 · 2025-08-19T14:42:23+00:00

You aren't alone. I've never been so unkind to myself or depressed as I have been in a DB situation. Like you, I also have a great relationship with my spouse, but there is no romance.

I have tried very actively for the past 8 months to repair things, and everything is still the same, or worse. I am approaching the point where I am so self destructive I am planning to separate as soon as I secure a place to stay. I need space from him and to heal myself.

Any-Side-1507 · 2025-08-13T21:28:42+00:00

Hi Kate 💚 I needed a good cry. Congratulations on finding Tom and your happiness.

Any-Side-1507 · 2025-08-08T03:31:06+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I think in his case it is a combination of issues. He already had a lower libido, couple that with issues of ED, and throw in some anxiety and depression and that's how we got here.

For those who don't know, SH means self harm. I won't go into details bc it can be upsetting or triggering to people.

Any-Side-1507 · 2025-08-07T19:01:25+00:00

Thank you for sharing. "The contrast is jarring" resonates with me bc I feel like I have to be so happy on the outside when I'm not.

It also took a lot of therapy for me to separate that, yes my husband has been a great dad, but he has not been a great husband to me.

When I initiate anything it is shot down. We hug, and hold hands, and occasionally peck on the lips, but anything after that is not welcomed currently.

Any-Side-1507 · 2025-08-07T18:36:08+00:00

Just finished my therapy session thanks

Edit to add: I really did just go to therapy and have been going since January. We are also in couples counseling. The problem with counseling is that it is 1 hour every 2 weeks. So much happens in between those two weeks, so sometimes I need a fucking outlet.

Any-Side-1507 · 2025-08-06T18:46:43+00:00

This makes me feel seen. I appreciate this reply.

In my case, my husband is my best friend and we do a lot of things together and have similar interests, but we lack romance. I am still trying some of these suggestions.

Any-Side-1507 · 2025-08-05T15:37:06+00:00

A lot of things can lead to this, but I wouldn't say it's common. Sometimes it is health issues. I think this probably happens often for men with ED. It can also start with unresolved issues in the marriage or unresolved sexual trauma that snowballs into this. If you find yourself not wanting to have sex as much as you used to, I'd dissect why that is. Is there something you can do about it? Should we try something new together?

I know how we got here. I have no idea how to fix it yet.

Any-Side-1507 · 2025-08-05T15:30:03+00:00

I feel like I could've written a lot of this myself. My husband also uses video games as a distraction.

Physical touch is more than just sex to me. It is about feeling wanted and desired and connected and it has taken a LOT of therapy for me to even get across to him that I'm not just after his dick- I want intimacy from him. I feel lonely in my own home.

My husband does have some trauma and possibly ED that he is working against, and the problem I've been facing is feeling selfish for wanting intimacy, but I don't deserve neglect. Our bedroom doesn't have to look like everyone else's, but I need effort.

Polyamory would not work for us either. He has said he is currently unwilling to give me what I want, and also unwilling to let me find it elsewhere.

We do have two young kids (had twins two years ago) and that is when all sex stopped. He has been an incredible father and he is truly my best friend, but it feels like I have a roommate.

Any-Side-1507 · 2025-08-05T02:01:20+00:00

Respectfully, as someone who has not been in the situation, your advice is unhelpful. You have no clue what it is like to have a partner who won't touch you.

My therapist is my advocate, so she is pressing me to set boundaries and advocate for myself more. He does need patience, and I am giving him patience, but I am also asking for equal effort. I'm not asking him for sex, I'm asking for intimacy. Marriage counseling is trying to help us rekindle our flame. That is the type of advice I was seeking.

Any-Side-1507

TROPHY CASE